Emotional abuse still love partner but feel worthless

[confused84]

I have to be quick as have a small window alone.
My partner abuses me I don't think he knows he's doing it but yesterday he tried to smash my phone up but it was a half hearted attempt as it did not break it was just a threat. He grabbed the quilt off me and was throwing cushions and pillows and punching the bed while I was lying in it. It's the furthest he's gone I've been with him nearly four years now.
I was scared I thought he was going to hit me and just stopped himself short of hitting me.
He was telling me he can get better then me and I'm useless I started crying and he was telling me to shut up because I'm a baby and the tears don't work anymore if I cry he always says this which makes me feel pathetic.
When he's being nice it's ok it's good but yesterday was scary I sat in my room all day and never came out then he started messaging me telling me how I had ruined his wkend and was I happy with myself etc
It all started because I went on FB when I was walking to the shop and he saw me on it.
I had this most of the day the verbal abuse and I had no where to go then he got me some dinner last night so I came down in the end and he tried to act normal.
I feel like what he says is true I am worthless and he can get better then me .
I went shopping this morning I wanted to cry I the supermarket I felt like I had been beaten up but no wounds were visible to see.
I felt like telling a stranger or anyone what was happening to me. It's not a one off it's happened before but yday he was leaning over me and screaming in my face and punching the bed right by my head I was scared he's a big bloke.
He's acting normal today he hasn't said sorry he used to say sorry those days are gone . I want to get out but I feel so trapped all my fight has gone and I still love him and everyone else thinks he is amazing

EA works in cycles,
Who's is the house ? If it's yours, you are in a lucky position.
can you enrol in the "freedom programme" ?, you can do it on line.
can you get some councilling?
Build up some courage, & get rid of this man, he is responsable for your unhappiness, & your mental health will improve when he is history

It's my house not his he's back now we aren't speaking it's frosty he's sat upstairs my kids are back from their dads . I'm sitting downstairs just trying not to cry really bad he makes me feel like shit 24/7 I feel like I don't matter like I could chop my arm off and he wouldn't care :-( it still gets to me that he doesn't show caring when I'm sad or unhappy because I want him to and I know he won't

Imagine your house with him gone forever. Imagine the peace, being able to do what you like, not having to wonder when the next outburst will be, or if he'll hit you next time.

If you like the idea of it, we can help you make plans to make it a reality.

And can I just say that being single is much better than a lot of people believe it is.

Your kids need you to find your strength. You will likely feel happier, more confident and your mental health will improve when you are free.

Imagine, in your peaceful house, being able to comfort your kids when they're sad, being able to listen to what they think and value it, being able to look after them when they're ill.

Get rid of him and teach your kids by example how relationships should work.

Your house? How dare he behave like that in your house! As for the eighty percent sure thing, make it easier for him, kick him out! Do not let your DCs think this is acceptable. No matter how nice he is sometimes, it doesn't ever excuse the rest of his behaviour.

What do you need us to say, OP?

Confused it's so sad to read your posts. You deserve better than this. Don't be his emotional punchbag waiting around for the few crumbs of affection he might throw your way. He's a cruel bully, that's the real him.
You deserve to be happy and your children shouldn't have to grow up in that atmosphere, learning this is how relationships work.

Splitting up is a very daunting prospect but you need to do it before he sucks all the remaining life and confidence out of you.

He won't change and his treatment of you will get worse.

Stay strong. Make that call to Womens Aid. Just take tiny steps towards freeing yourself, even if it's just one phone call or action each day. I wouldn't advise telling him of your plans. EA men will often completely change their behaviour (a temporary 'act') if they suspect you want to leave the relationship.

There are lots of posters on here who have survived abusive relationships who can help and support you. You're not alone

Get him out!!

I too had an abusive father and that is the relationship model we learn and end up in until we wake up. What he is doing to you is monstrously abusive and it is so calculated and cleverly hidden that it leaves you constantly trying to appease him. This is not love. It is control. You are in a cycle of being punished and rewarded by him and he is going to absolutely destroy your physical and mental health if you don't find the courage to end this.

Next time he pulls this 80% crap, you look him dead straight in the eye and tell him, off you go then.

Take back control of this and stop letting this bastard run your every waking moment.

Thankyou I've just woke up hardly slept all night I'm so tired...he hasn't gone to work. Last night he started acting all normal again and I just acted normal aswell to keep the peace.
No one knows what my life is like they all think he's great that's the worst as I feel like a liar then.

A few months ago we went for a meal with my family and he was all nice etc and we went outside and he started saying things down my ear as I had said something at the table as a joke and I went outside to check on the kids and he follows me out there and was saying stuff like ' don't f embarrass me again like that you f* blah blah ' and I started getting tears in my eyes and he goes don't u dare start crying here infront of your family for attention. We went back in and my mom was asking what was wrong and he goes yeah babe what's wrong come here you ok and then he got my hand and was like come on what's wrong you ok.
Was awful he does that in public gives me a look or soemthing and then I know I'm in trouble later.
I can't do anything today he's not at work but he told me last night I make him angry like that and he never had this anger before and I make him like this and I've changed him as a person and he goes you need to change your ways I just agreed as I didn't want another argument. Really tired today

You haven't changed him, you haven't done anything wrong, he has always been a shithead. He knows he is in the wrong, look how he tries to hide his behaviour. If he was really proud of what he does and had nothing to hide, why would he bully you into secrecy? Why does he get so agitated if you get upset in front of others? He doesn't want others to discover his nasty little secret, does he? (And it is HIS nasty secret, not yours, you have nothing to be ashamed of.) He is a pathetic coward. I would strongly recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you can download it quite easily. But please do call Womens Aid if you can today. They will help. Xxx

The 'almost' breaking your phone and the 'almost' hitting you were him testing the water. The next time he WILL break your phone and he WILL punch you, I can promise you that. Either stay around and wait for it to happen or get out now, because it will happen. The waiting for it to happen will be 100 times worse than what you are feeling now, if you think you are walking on egg shells now.......there may even come a time when you're relieved you've just been punched, at least the waiting for it to happen isn't there anymore, at least now he'll be weeping and wailing about how sorry he is, until the next time.
This creature is showing you what is going to happen next, please, please, please leave him. No matter how you do it.

Please don't think I'm being a scare monger or deliberately harsh. He says you make him miserable, the truth probably is that life makes him miserable, in reality he probably doesn't actually like anyone much. Phone Woman's Aid or see if they have a drop in clinic in your area ( sometimes held in nursery's ) Don't stay silent, your silence will isolate you more and more, please don't become another statistic

I didn't know there were dropnin Centre's I will have to have a look and see where there is one if there's one by me.
I don't know if will escalate to hitting me but I do think he has the potential after yesterday he said you nearly made me smash your phone up the wall do you want to make me snap is that what you want .
I think he didn't because he knew he would have to pay for a new phone for me and didn't want to spend the money because he doesn't give me money either at all.
But one day it might be my face I have left him before but he never leaves me alone so I have him back but I feel like this time is different he's backed me into a corner he must know I'm not telling people because that's the furthest he's gone last time a few weeks ago he was throwing rubbish at me out of the bin bag while I was sat on the sofa.

He hasn't gone into work either and I think he does that on purpose he said he thinks I'm sleeping with other men while he is at work. He said that on Saturday and he goes but I don't tell you about it because I'm trying to trust you.
I told one friend and she goes I think he just does it tonyou I don't think he woild treat another woman like that it's because he thinks he's better then you so treats you like shit so that made me worse and put me off saying anything again and she kind of agreed with him that I'm the problem

What I don't get it when I have got him out in the past he becomes fixated on me like he adores me but when he's back with me I'm nothing again. I could never treat someone this way

Financial abuse is a crime now.

Besides all the other bad stuff he is doing to you.

You need to think how your kids are affected by seeing you so miserable and controlled..
If you have a daughter would you want her in this sort of relationship??
Ring your brother today and ask him to come help your dp move out. . . Today.

It's your house so he need to go. Today.

If he gets abusive phone the police. It's your house so they will remove him. Today.

Please wake up - this man is abusive and you are exposing your children to Domestic Abuse.

You are not mentally ill but unfortunately he has induced depression and anxiety in you!

Come on girl - you can do this, he will continue to abuse you - you already feel worthless and you are on here telling me you think he's to good for you?

Really an abusive a hole is too good for a lovely woman like you? I don't bloody think so.

Show your family this thread, just one of them anyone.

Speak out - end your suffering

I think the scales are starting to fall from your eyes a bit and you're starting to see him for what he is; a nasty abusive bully. Trust your own judgement and don't fall for his act of being adoring and loving. That's all false. It's a common trick abusers use to manipulate their victims.

Keep strong and determined, you can do this. You can be the person you used to be without him, remember the cheerful, confident you? You'll get there. Don't be embarrassed to admit what you're going through. Feel brave and empowered that you've found the courage to change things.

You deserve to be happy and free from fear.

Reading your posts is like reading my own life OP.

My now ex treated me in all those ways and I became frozen with fear, unable to leave or act independently and suicidal in the end. He too was a charmer to others and I was often told how lucky I was.

The same as you, the things he initially "loved" about me he then tried to crush out of me. I'd get the whispered threats too.

I stayed far too long, decades. Like you, my childhood had trained me to believe I was less than nothing and I craved the love he so rarely gave. Now with the perspective distance gives I can see my ex's behaviours were all deliberate, to keep me under his control.

My biggest regret is the affect it has had on my children. They are from my first marriage but their dad wasn't at all involved in their lives after that divorce. They have all been adversely affected in some way.

Please get him out of your lives asap. None of this is your fault, he is terrorising you deliberately. Women's Aid or the police. I know it's scary, you're frightened, he'll start the manipulation, but safely get help. For your children's sake if you can't do it for yourself.

Btw, your "friend" is no friend at all. Don't confide in her again. There is great support on here and from Women's Aid. Please take it. This isn't you, at all, it is him. If you don't get away he will damage your children and destroy you. Keep yourself safe, don't confront him or try to reason with him, just get him out of your house and your lives. X

Your friend is wrong.
He doesn't like women - any women.
He's an abusive controlling asshole.
He would do the same to anyone.
He does NOT think he's better than you.
In fact, he KNOWS he isn't which is why he has to make you feel like shit so that he feels better about himself.

The sleeping with other men thing, is called, projection!
He's probably doing exactly that - sleeping with other women.
But he's deflecting back onto you. So again, when you do find out he can say he thought you were doing it so why not!? Etc....

And one day it absolutely WILL be your face.

Right now you need to stay safe.
Call Womens Aid for their help getting him away from you.
It's your house so you can tell him to leave but I fear that might make things escalate.
When you do get rid of him, how is it he doesn't leave you alone?
If you block him from everything and tell everyone what he is like you can get RL support around you to help keep him away.

Start taking steps today.
Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Contact your GP, you sound depressed which is hardly surprising living the way you do.
It's a terrible example to be setting your DC.
You are with this man because of your upbringing.
Your DC will go on to do the same.
Either be a 'victim' like you or become an abuser.
Do it for them.
Please let them have a nice peaceful home and a happy mum!
They will NEVER have that whilst you remain with this vile bully!

Make some calls and make a plan.
Womens Aid number will not appear on your phone/phone bill!

I've got boys my oldest is 11 this year I'm 30 years old. He doesn't like him my oldest son I don't want them to think this is ok. I just feel trapped the wkend I was suicidal I'm ok now I've taken the car for mot so I'm out the house for a bit . Trying to think what to do next my Brain doesn't work properly anymore I went to the doctors last wk as I've been losing weight for no reason I'm 7 1/2 stone he asked if all was ok at home I just lied about it but I wanted to tell him and ask if it was normal.
They did blood tests but really I know it's stress I don't sleep anymore either lie awake for hours it's awful. My kids need me I have to do soemthing for them

It must all seem so overwhelming. Just take baby steps at the moment, you can do this. There is support out there for you. Call Women's Aid. They will give you advice on what to do.
Pluck up the courage to tell your brother if you can. You can escape this, you just need to take the first step in asking for help.

The nice/nasty cycle is CLASSIC EA behaviour, the accusations, the PA, the control...
It is your life, you don't give a toss what "other people" think of him,
but as a pointer to an explication if you wanted to give one:
He physically threatens you, he emotionally abuses you, he gives you nothing towards living in your house, this effectively means he is stealing from your children, he controls who you speak to, what you say & what you do......
Imagine this was someone else life, what would you advise?
You can make a call to the DV number at your local police stn, you can tell them he threatens you & you are scared. You can tell them you want him out, but are afraid he will injure you. You can get an non-mo order, he can be removed.
You can call/visit WA, get advise, having someone validate your situation will make you more determined.
However, while you are building up courage, he will get drift of your changing, so be very careful, make sure you clear internet history, change your log ins, deconnect from any joint WhatsApp, fb, or cloud that he may be able to see your activity, including here.
He may have created this without your knowledge. Change your bank PIN, if he realises you have logged out or changed your PIN, you say you were advises of a security breach & told to change Login.
if he has access to your credit card for on line payments, change your card.
Get any important documents & take them at work, or in a safe place (friend/parent) NOT in your house. this includes stuff he may just destroy out of spite.
Birth certs, financial /house docs.
Tell your family, I would do anything I could to help my daughter/other in this situation,
They probably already know something isn't right.

Start making small steps in the right direction, take DCs out for a walk & call WA for info.

sorry for typos, English is my maternal language, not that it shows !

I lived with someone like this between my 2 marriages, I came to realise he was an absolute sociopath, I knew it but the hardest part was doing something about it. In the end as I had no children living with me(they were with dad) I literally banged a load of stuff in storage when he was out and left him a note , never saw him again, he sent letters via my friend and I just ignored. I had to go or I would have ended up in a mental hospital.

Please go before it is too late. Just recently, like last week, my daughter was in the same position as you. I strongly intervened and took a chance and got my daughter away from the emotional and psycological abuse. Although she is still talking about the good times and how lovely her bastard partner was, at last, she is beginning to remember the awful bad times.

When you are subjected to this horrific abuse and fear day in day out, too frightened to speak out of turn, or upset him in any way, you are living on stress and a knife edge, you begin not to think and cannot make reasonable decisions about yourself. You think it will get better, but it wont.

My daughter is a grown woman of 31, but needed someone to give her straight talking and take over for her. Obviously, I dont do this normally, and I have never ever interfered in either of my grown up childrens' lives. This time though, I did. I didnt want my daughter dead - either from suicide or murder. PLEASE PLEASE get out today. Good luck, its easier said than done, but be the bravest you have been all your life. xx