Emotional abuse still love partner but feel worthless

[confused84]

I have to be quick as have a small window alone.
My partner abuses me I don't think he knows he's doing it but yesterday he tried to smash my phone up but it was a half hearted attempt as it did not break it was just a threat. He grabbed the quilt off me and was throwing cushions and pillows and punching the bed while I was lying in it. It's the furthest he's gone I've been with him nearly four years now.
I was scared I thought he was going to hit me and just stopped himself short of hitting me.
He was telling me he can get better then me and I'm useless I started crying and he was telling me to shut up because I'm a baby and the tears don't work anymore if I cry he always says this which makes me feel pathetic.
When he's being nice it's ok it's good but yesterday was scary I sat in my room all day and never came out then he started messaging me telling me how I had ruined his wkend and was I happy with myself etc
It all started because I went on FB when I was walking to the shop and he saw me on it.
I had this most of the day the verbal abuse and I had no where to go then he got me some dinner last night so I came down in the end and he tried to act normal.
I feel like what he says is true I am worthless and he can get better then me .
I went shopping this morning I wanted to cry I the supermarket I felt like I had been beaten up but no wounds were visible to see.
I felt like telling a stranger or anyone what was happening to me. It's not a one off it's happened before but yday he was leaning over me and screaming in my face and punching the bed right by my head I was scared he's a big bloke.
He's acting normal today he hasn't said sorry he used to say sorry those days are gone . I want to get out but I feel so trapped all my fight has gone and I still love him and everyone else thinks he is amazing

Fantastic. Well done.

It's irrelevant who he blames and that's part of the cycle of abuse, having no role in anything and blaming everyone else for behaving appallingly.

Don't give him any reasons or enter into any debate. Just simply inform him the relationship is over and where his things are and that if he contacts you again in any way, you will call the police immediately.

Once you have told him that, call the police out and tell them everything. Show them this thread. And then block him from every means of electronic contact.

Be strong. You can do this. It will be hard and hurt for a bit, but that's better than killing yourself and your children being left without their mother, or being beaten to a pulp by him in the future. Hugs.

So impressive! Your friend sounds very supportive. Please be careful. have you spoken with Women's Aid yet?

If it gets him out of your house, let him blame you. Its not true but you'll never get him to admit hes the one in the wrong anyway, abusers just arent capable of it.

The whispering nasty abuse in your ear and then publicly claiming to be supportive in front of other people is evil, just straight-up evil. Theres no possible "well, he didnt realise it, he didnt mean it, I misunderstood" there, you dont do that by accident, he knows exactly what hes doing to you and it will never get any better than this.

You need to get him out and be able to breathe again.

Absolutely, you don't give a toss if he says it's your fault.
Just say Its over, done, get your key back, & tell him you have contacted the police re abuse. (even if you haven't) He is unlikely to get agressive if you have someone with you.
Then call WA, talk to people, they are there to help, they hear this story all the time, there is no shame.
Talking will help clear your confusion

Him: This is all your fault
You: If that's want to believe, then OK
Him: It's really your fault, why are you doing this?
You: If that's want to believe, then OK, I'm doing this for me
And rewind and repeat.

Your friend sounds fab.
I'm so pleased you have a plan to this vile creature out of your life.
Good luck.
What did WA say?

Another argument I've seen before is:
Him: You're a terrible person, this is all your fault, you've never done anything I wanted.
You: If I'm so terrible then you'll be glad to be rid of me, wont you?

Well done for speaking to your friend. Make sure you get Womens Aid and the police if you need to, do whatever it takes to get rid of this cowardly bully.

It really doesn't matter what he thinks, what matters is what you think.

Let him rant but don't listen, think of something else, something you like - make up your best ever cake with all the bits you'd have on it and the flavours; or maybe your perfect garden, which plants where, what colours, lake or no lake, wildlife etc. Something whichcann keep your brain busy while he blethers on. Then you can simply repeat what you said initially "I want you to leave now", or whatever. Watch him as if he were a mildly interesting bee. Only if you're not alone, if your friend's there then fine, but if she's not, don't challenge him unless you are confident that he won't escalate.

I'm so glad your friend is there for you. We're all here to give you a hand hold tomorrow.
Don't hesitate to call the police if he is threatening in any way. Well done, keep strong x

Can't believe he came back from work and brought some of the stuff he had left at his dad's from the last split it's been there for ages why now it's really stressed me

Don't get stressed.
He can feel the change in you and playing mind fuck games.
Carry on with your plan.

this is a major mind game
Tell him the whole lot will be in bin bag by the side of the road.
ALL OF IT.

He's piling on the pressure.

Well done for telling your friend. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

It's really weird I don't know why he's done that now when the wkend he wanted to leave ! He's been fine and normal tonight

Don't leave your mumsnet account open either, he may look through your phone.

It's a very normal pattern for abusers. If they think their victim (you) is pulling away, they'll turn on a charm offensive to manipulate you.
Keep strong sweetheart.

You know the real him underneath his facade and it's not pleasant.

He did that to unsettle you and confuse you, which puts him in control. He will fight to keep you, and he will be constantly trying out different things to find the one that gets you back in your box where you belong, and dancing attendance on him.

He might suddenly develop a serious heart condition, or cancer, or something unspecified which will keep you hanging on waiting, because you can't possibly end the relationship when everything's so up in the air with his health.......

He will bring you flowers, chocolates, he'll be charming, helpful, angry, threatening, distraught, whatever works. Mark this: IT IS NOT REAL? None of it.

Turn and face your freedom. Keep walking on that direction and don't look at his antics at all, don't be distracted by his dancing at roadside, but walk right by him, eyes fixed on the real goal ahead of you.

Well he did his morning ritual of waking me up and I washed his work top last night and it was still a bit damp this morning and he was like 'you can't do anything fucking right start drying it now with a hairdryer' not May fault he gave it to me at 10 last night then and I don't own a dryer because I can't afford to buy a tumble dryer. He's on really good money but never buys anything for the house.
Really felt like I hated him this morning he was going come on get up I said I don't want to get up I'm not your servant he said well you aren't working. Don't know what that has to do with anything.
I'm going to do it about midday today when I'm not on my own worried :-(

Confused. This man is terrifying you, it breaks my heart knowing what you must be feeling. The sooner you can get this person out of your home the better, he seems to believe you are there entirely to meet his needs. Please don't give him any warning of what you are intending, he sounds unpredictable and dangerous. Please take care

confused we are all thinking of you and encouraging you on. You are a person of worth and integrity. You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm glad you've such a good real life friend to encourage you along. And we're here too, virtually.

He just messaged me apologizing for this morning that is very rare for him to do that , makes me think he's being a better person but he's not because he would still do it again tomorrow.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid yet? They run a good course called The Freedom Programme. What he's doing is a classic abuser tactic. Please remember this man is an ABUSER, he won't be an abuser 100% of the time, no one could stay with that. He knows exactly what he's doing to your head.
To think that apologising for attempting to make you dry a piece of clothing with a hair dryer while you were still in bed is thinking 'he's being a better person' is understandable but madness, sorry.

he can tell something is changing.
Do not bet pulled back in. Today it is over. Get Rid

Keep your resolve.
The nasty bully he was to your this morning is the real him.
It's awful and absolutely no-one has to live like this.
I hope you manage to get everything out this afternoon and can get him gone for good.
It won't be easy.
You'll get all the usual crap of trying to 'hoover' you back in (google it)
Get your friend to be strong for you as well. She can help you through this.
And we are all here with a virtual hand hold.
Come on here and rant when you are feeling yourself wobble.

Just don't get how he can't see what he's doing to me he said I've changed but he's done that . I don't even know what I like anymore

Hes moved more stuff in to mark his territory because he can feel you slipping out of his control and he apologised because he didnt get the grovelling reaction he expected this morning.

Its not a sign that hes changed, its a sign he hasnt.