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Original poster

Why do I feel so much pain at my daughter's break-up?

80 replies

Peace47 · 03/05/2017 09:55

Wow I never thought I'd be so hurt and upset by my 24 year old daughter's break-up from her two year relationship with her boyfriend, but I am. The break-up was so out of the blue and she is in such a state. He says he loves her but needs to let her go because he can't promise marriage and kids, as he doesn't know whether he wants that in the future, and he knows that she does - he's only 27! My heart hurts so much for her and it's crazy but I feel like I'm the one who has been let go. I know I'm menopausal but this pain for their break up is unbearable. We let him into our lives for 2 years and he was unlike other previous boyfriends - we, but more to the fact she, thought he was 'the one' for her. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 03/05/2017 09:58

I don't think this overreaction on your part is going to help your daughter one bit. If they are meant to be together then they will make their way back to each other down the line. Right now you need to stop making this about you and support your daughter

HildaOg · 03/05/2017 10:00

'We'? You shouldn't be involved in her relationships. She needs to be independent and her own person before she finds a happy fit. She's 24 and child free presumably. She has her whole life ahead of her. While it may be natural for her to be sad right now, you should be able to see the reality and encourage her to focus on the future. He doesn't want her so he's not 'the one'.

nuttyknitter · 03/05/2017 10:03

I really sympathise! I'm sure you're not making it all about you in front of your daughter, but you are allowed to feel sad too. It's awful seeing your children hurting when you can't do anything to make it better and also difficult when a break up involves someone who's become part of the family

SwearyBerry · 03/05/2017 10:04

It does sound as though you're not able to separate her issues from yours. I wonder if this is tapping into unresolved separation stuff from your own past? Perhaps some counselling sessions would help you make some sense of this.

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 10:07

I don't think you are overreacting, I think you feel your DD's pain and you are disappointed and worried for her, and probably a little in shock as it seemed so out of the blue.

The important thing is that you don't allow her to see how upset you are, the last thing she needs to feel is concerned about you right now (or guilty that the break up has upset you)

She will get over this, help her be strong, enjoy some special mum & daughter time together.

jojo2916 · 03/05/2017 10:08

Totally understand you feeling sad she's your daughter but of course it's your daughter who is likely to be feeling the most hurt so will need your support, perhaps you are not happy about something in your own life and are deflecting on your dd rather than dealing with your own issues, I don't mean that offensively I think it's something we all do at times without being consciously aware of it

Dowser · 03/05/2017 10:13

I would feel the same op.

If you've loved and cared for someone like I did for my dil and he was treat like another of my sons of course you're going to feel it.

We're all human. I don't understand the attitude of some posters here.

My sil has been in our family since he was 20 that's 22 years

Dowser · 03/05/2017 10:14

Should read..sil not dil

QuimReaper · 03/05/2017 10:18

I sympathise, but two years in her early twenties; it isn't that surprising they broke up. Hardly anyone ends up with the person they date in their early twenties, however serious it may seem at the time. You need to be the voice of reason for her on that point, and don't let her show you're feeling anything other than sadness at her pain. If she knows you also "miss" her boyfriend she'll feel a zillion times worse.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 03/05/2017 10:23

This was me a few years ago!!
Dd and bf of 3 years.

Couldn't imagine him not being my sil and the df of her dc!!
Kept in touch much longer than necessary due to small dc who loved him so weaned them off him I suppose!!
Dd in a ltr now and happy. .
Not that she wasn't before - just outgrew each other. .
I feel your pain!!

Triskel · 03/05/2017 10:44

I don't think you are overreacting either - you are feeling her pain and I think that is really helpful for her in the short term. It's horrible when people minimise acute pain as one is going through it and healing to realise that others understand it but also believe you will get through it.

Longer term she needs positive reinforcement that she will be fine and happy again.

seoulsurvivor · 03/05/2017 10:54

A break up of a two year relationship at the age of 24 is totally normal and typical.

Everyone thinks the person they're with is 'the one' at that age.

Maybe you need to take a bit of step back in future relationships. You can still be warm and friendly without assuming the next boyfriend will be the one she marries.

Original poster
Peace47 · 04/05/2017 10:39

Thank you for all of your comments and advice - it's actually all been very helpful. Good to know that I'm not the only person out there who would be affected by their child's break-up. I don't have separation issues from my own past .. but I do know that at the moment I'm pretty emotional about a lot of other stuff ..elderly parents, one now in a nursing home after having 2 really debilitating strokes, oldest child just moved out and then this. I know it's not about me and I'm not trying to make it so it is, it's just difficult and I acutely feel her pain.

OP posts:
kateclarke · 04/05/2017 10:49

I think you need to back off. My mum overreacted to every break up I had.

In the end I refused to introduce her to anyone, even my dds dad.

Primaryteach87 · 04/05/2017 10:54

I don't think previous posters are right in minimising the relationship as 'only two years in her early twenties'. Nearly all my friends from home & uni are married to those they were dating at that point in their lives. It isn't wrong for this to be a huge thing for OPs daughter.

You invest in your children's relationships and it's daft to pretend otherwise. Of course this will impact you and you're probably worried about DD.
Like others have said, make sure you have a close and confidential person to share your feelings with and be a listening ear for your daughter. X

claraschu · 04/05/2017 10:57

My 19 year old son's girlfriend spent almost every weekend here for the last 18 months. They have amicably drifted apart, and I know that is right for both of them, but the house feels so empty without her! She and I chatted and hung out together, and I miss her. I am glad for their sakes, so that is different from you, OP, but it is strange that someone who has been a part of my life for so long will probably never come here again.

She appreciated my cooking and actually asked for my opinion about things! Sad.

seoulsurvivor · 04/05/2017 11:02

Not to be rude, but I think some of you need to get some real friends instead of relying on your kids' partners for company.

SwirlSwirl01 · 04/05/2017 11:38

Does your daughter still live at your house - at 24 ?

Or did your daughter and her ex spend alot of time at your house ?

At 24 I would encourage DD; to travel, join groups, start new hobbies, volunteer and enjoy life

Break ups can happen at any age and there are always better things to do and better people to meet

claraschu · 04/05/2017 11:40

Lol seoul.

It is possible to have a person you care about who is 20 years old and also to have lots of other friends. Since I am in my 50s, most of my other friends don't stay at my house regularly and cook with me.

offside · 04/05/2017 11:46

Urgh this knocks me a bit sick really. You need to get a grip and grow up a bit.

Having dealt with,and still dealing with, a MIL who has never got over my DP's ex girlfriend (7 years past now), I can tell you it breeds a lot of contempt and it's very toxic for future relationships, including the one with your daughter.

Don't show this side to your daughter and I suggest your pull your socks up and get on with your own life.

StaplesCorner · 04/05/2017 13:01

Where has the OP said that she is making this overtly clear to DD? She's just saying she feels very down about it and is surprised - I think its a lot of the other posters who have unresolved issues, not the OP - she's just sad to see her daughter sad. If she wasn't THEN that would be odd.

SparklingRaspberry · 04/05/2017 13:02

'We'?

Sorry but you need to back off a little bit.

If they're meant to be together they will be together. If they both want different things in terms of commitment then they're obviously not supposed to be.

You say he's only 27 so how can he know he doesn't want kids and marriage - don't you think that's a little patronising? He's a GROWN MAN! He's able to decide what he does/doesn't want and unfortunately that may not include your daughter.
I know a few 20 something year olds including women who are certain they don't want kids and/or marriage.

I would back off a little. Be there to support your daughter but certainly don't make it obvious how emotional you are about the breakup. That won't help at all.

Azalea96 · 04/05/2017 13:16

It's only natural that you feel the pain in this situation. She's still your little girl no matter what age she is. You sound like a good mum and it's very important that your dd feels she can get support from you at a difficult time.

ocelot7 · 04/05/2017 13:24

But you are being mean Seoul

I would think it strange not to become close to someone who spent so much time in yr home - what would you do? I felt the same with my DSs first longterm gf & resolved to not get so close to them again but as he then went off to uni that was inevitable anyway.

seoulsurvivor · 04/05/2017 14:01

ocelot7 I don't have teenagers but I accept that my friend's partners may be temporary so I tend not to get too chummy. I imagine I'll be the same with any kids' partners.

claraschu I just find it odd, honestly, and if my own mother was that matey with a boyfriend, I'd find it weird too.