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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do I feel so much pain at my daughter's break-up?

80 replies

Peace47 · 03/05/2017 09:55

Wow I never thought I'd be so hurt and upset by my 24 year old daughter's break-up from her two year relationship with her boyfriend, but I am. The break-up was so out of the blue and she is in such a state. He says he loves her but needs to let her go because he can't promise marriage and kids, as he doesn't know whether he wants that in the future, and he knows that she does - he's only 27! My heart hurts so much for her and it's crazy but I feel like I'm the one who has been let go. I know I'm menopausal but this pain for their break up is unbearable. We let him into our lives for 2 years and he was unlike other previous boyfriends - we, but more to the fact she, thought he was 'the one' for her. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 04/05/2017 14:05

But yr friends' partners would never be around your house/staying over/integrated into yr family like a DC bf/gf. Anyway, it would be much worse not to like them!

seoulsurvivor · 04/05/2017 14:14

I'm not the person to have people randomly hanging around in my house anyway, so I guess we'll never find out.

I just think it's oddly cosy and a bit 'I'm the cool mum'.

jouu · 04/05/2017 15:10

these young people become part of one's daily community, there's no doubt about that. You come to love them, you see them through a lens similar to the one you see your own child through. If you didn't feel love for this young man, and pain at his absence, I'd venture to say THAT is the sign that there's something amiss with you emotionally!

I think it's a real commentary on the English/British culture that we think to sneer at people for feeling pain when a member of their community (someone who is at the house constantly, who you've got to know, who you've bought gifts for, cooked for, etc.) suddenly just isn't there anymore!

"oddly cosy" JFC, one's home should be cosy for a friend who is in and out of your house constantly for two years SHOULD be missed if they suddenly aren't there anymore!

Do we not allow ourselves to feel love and attachment in case we become too "oddly cosy" with a young person?! And we wonder why there is an epidemic of loneliness in this country...

OP as long as you're not revealing the extent of your pain to DD, you are doing fine! Feelings are not illegal, and pain is the price we pay for loving. Feel your feelings, mourn the absence, and take heart, you (and DD) won't miss him forever and life will go on. Focus on DD and don't let these strong feelings spook you. They'll pass.

seoulsurvivor · 04/05/2017 15:36

Oh please. Just because I am not silly enough to think that partners will stick around forever so we should all buddy up, that means I'm emotionally damaged? Are you a psychologist that you can make that judgement?

My husband is Korean and we live in Korea. In Korean society, it would be seen as extremely odd to have random partners even meeting parents until it was pretty certain you're getting married. And frankly I think that makes a lot more sense than hanging out with someone who could be nothing more than a passing fling. So is the entire of Korean society 'emotionally amiss' according to you?

LedaP · 04/05/2017 15:45

I think you should be grateful.

He knows they want different thingd and has made the break. Much better for her in the long.

So many people stick together with promises of might get married, might change mind on kids. With one getting strung along for years before they realise their partner never had an intention of marrying them and/ or having kids with them.

She is 24 and sure she wants those things. He is 27 and sure he doesn't. Neither are wrong and its better for your dd to deal with this now.

jouu · 04/05/2017 15:52

I am not silly enough to think that partners will stick around forever so we should all buddy up

Using that logic, no-one should ever "buddy up" with (do you mean love?) anyone.

Because all relationships are, by the nature of what it means to be human, temporary... Have you realized that yet, or you're still in that weird twilight zone where we pretend that marrying someone means they are somehow "permanent" in your life in a magic way that defies mortality and human nature?

And what about people who don't get married or don't believe in marriage? Should their family never get to know, "buddy up with", or love anyone that they love?

Think it through... the fact that many people agree with you (whether they are Korean or British or any nationality) doesn't make the way you think make any sense.

People love each other, whether they are permanent in each other's lives or not (spoiler alert, no relationship is permanent, everyone dies). That is a good thing. People feel pain when love has to end. That is a normal thing.

To try to avoid pain by never "buddying up" with anyone reflects a basic avoidance of what life is and how life goes. And makes you lonely as fuck.

seoulsurvivor · 04/05/2017 15:58

Yes I don't have any friends or loved ones.

Try to chill a bit when someone has a different opinion to you instead of writing reams of frothing judgement. You might come across a little better.

Cringiest · 04/05/2017 16:22

At least the lad was honest enough to call it a day rather than stringing her along or starting to be off with her.
Of course it's sad when the DC break up with partners but it's very normal. I'd be a million times sadder if they stayed in unhappy relationships.

ocelot7 · 04/05/2017 17:18

Seoul its interesting to read your observations on Korean society - how long have you lived there? Do you think perhaps people feel similar emotions but don't express them or not in the same way?
And how would they react if you spoke to them the way you have spoken on this thread?

HappyJanuary · 04/05/2017 18:21

I understand how you feel op.

DS's gf has been coming here for years. I don't really remember a weekend when she wasn't here. Her mother is not around so she asks my advice, chats and invites me to things. I think she's wonderful, and genuinely care about her. Unfortunately it is beginning to feel like the relationship has run its course and I suspect they will split up shortly. I will miss her, she's a big part of our lives, and it is odd to think I won't see her again.

Obviously all thoughts for my own head, kept from DS. I don't think it's strange at all, surely it would be odd if I didn't care?

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2017 18:28

Op, I'm in the camp that it's not normal for you to feel "unbearable " pain over your daughters relationship break up. It's normal to feel sad, worried for her, that you will miss the guy, but not unbearable pain. No way no how.

I do hope you are supporting her to accept this and move on and not feeding her upset with uour own, because I really don't think this is healthy. I'm sorry,

sleepingdragons · 04/05/2017 18:31

HappyJanuary FWIW I'm still in contact with my first BF's mum. We were together for ages, we basically grew from teens to adults together.

We grew apart as BF and GF - we were more like brother and sister in the end but remained friends (once we'd got over the initial break up).

HIs mum is like family to me and I occasionally pop in for a cuppa if I'm in the area. I even introduced my DP and DC to her. (Ex lives at the other end of the country so he's rarely there when I am).

sleepingdragons · 04/05/2017 18:33

I wrote that post to HappyJanuary not the OP - keeping in touch is appropriate after many years IMO I'm not sure it 's likely after 2.

Batghee · 04/05/2017 18:35

awww that sounds hard but its really a rite of passage at that age. The first big love break up is always awful.
Try and not get too upset about it yourself though because she is only young and he wasnt 'the one' was he. He was just a guy who couldnt commit.
Try and help her feel how exciting being single again could be and help her to see that the right man for her is still out there and it will be a lot of fun trying to find him.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2017 18:35

To be fair I don't think a two year relationship can be described as a passing fling, that's very much underplaying this length of relationship.

HappyJanuary · 04/05/2017 19:33

Sleepingdragons, that's lovely! I suppose it might be possible then but I'd leave it up to her, and only if DS was ok with it.

VictoriaandBump · 04/05/2017 19:52

I think all you can do is try and be there for your dd and support her in whatever way she needs.

To offer another perspective, at 24 I'd been in a relationship for 2 years that I had some small niggling doubts about. I ignored these doubts and got married. Now at 34 I'm separated and starting over again. I know for many it does work out but I feel like 24 was too young for me to settle down. In time you and your daughter might come to look back on this as a blessing and she may meet someone even lovelier. Take care.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2017 20:00

Do what I do and make it clear all the "hanging out" with boyfriends and girlfriends happens elsewhere

I barely know my grown children's current partners. This is how I like it. My space remains my own and I can be completely supportive and impartial if and when it goes tits up for them.

Hassled · 04/05/2017 20:04

I really sympathise - I was guilty of getting over-invested in one of DD's relationships and when it ended I was really upset - for her, but also for the happy-ever-after I'd assumed would be happening. The BF had become family - I was genuinely very fond of him, as were my other DCs. We missed him. You have to just suck it up but it is hard.

springydaffs · 04/05/2017 22:22

I'd be interested in a straw poll of the ages of the posters on your thread...

Heck, I was upset when my nephew split with his girlfriend. It looked like it was it - but it turned out it wasn't. It really upset me. He didn't know that of course (he did the splitting), it was only a whispered comment to my sister that confirmed she felt the same.

AND i really missed my kids' friends when my kids left home. All those trainers - like boats - by the door for years.. I'd grown to love care about those kids. And then they were gone

That said, I imagine the intensity of your feelings has a great deal to do with the other (huge) issues going on in your life at present. That, and it's heart crushing when our children are unbearably hurt.

Go easy on yourself op

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2017 23:32

My dn split up from her bf. She was devastated and her dm was really struggling seeing her in so muuch pain. Think part of her thought she will never come back to normal.. But she did and is now married to a fabulous guy who really suits her far better. Just be there for her but dont over dramatise the whole situation.

Unihorn · 04/05/2017 23:44

I can't believe a PP suggested counselling because you're upset over your daughter's breakup...

I've always had a close relationship with my mum so maybe that's influenced my view, but I know she would've been upset if I'd split from my husband even in the very early stages of our relationship. Some relationships just seem like they will work out early on so I'm assuming it was a pretty serious one. We went on a long haul holiday with my parents two years into our relationship in fact.

I agree with others that many people in their 20s end up marrying those partners. I met my husband at 19, we were together at 21 and married at 24.

LellyMcKelly · 05/05/2017 00:35

My dad recently told me that my mum took to her bed and cried for two days when my BF and I split after 7 years when I was 27. I'm 48 now. She grew (slowly) to love my exH, and now adores my partner AND his three sons. She loves her grandchildren more than all of us put together though . The point I think I'm making is that people you love will come and go, but your daughter will meet someone new, and he might be even better, and there are new adventures to look forward to.

seoulsurvivor · 05/05/2017 03:34

ocelot can't say how people would react to me, but they'd likely roll their eyes at you being passive aggressive and goady.

ocelot7 · 05/05/2017 10:03

Seoul I would have thought you would have thought about it as part of the adaptation of living in another culture.

I was not being passive aggressive & goady, I was trying to persuade you to think about how you might be perceived. Assuming you were using the anonymity of the internet to say things you wouldn't face to face.

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