Why do I feel so much pain at my daughter's break-up?

[Peace47]

Wow I never thought I'd be so hurt and upset by my 24 year old daughter's break-up from her two year relationship with her boyfriend, but I am. The break-up was so out of the blue and she is in such a state. He says he loves her but needs to let her go because he can't promise marriage and kids, as he doesn't know whether he wants that in the future, and he knows that she does - he's only 27! My heart hurts so much for her and it's crazy but I feel like I'm the one who has been let go. I know I'm menopausal but this pain for their break up is unbearable. We let him into our lives for 2 years and he was unlike other previous boyfriends - we, but more to the fact she, thought he was 'the one' for her. Has anyone else felt like this?

I'm totally with seoulsurvivor on this one. It sounds to me the problem is how 'involved' dc partners become with the family that isn't there's. Which is what leads to the pain the OP is now experiencing.

I will not consider my dc's girlfriend/boyfriend a member of my community/family until it's pretty clear they are about to get married and like Seoul do not have random strangers, boyfriend or not staying over at the house, every weekend for 18mths. I think this is where the cultural differences really come into play.

Yes there is clearly cultural difference between families in the UK between those who think it is odd to allow friends & gf/bf of DC into the home and those who think it is completely normal!

In my grandparents day it was seemingly regarded as rude for someone to drop in and visitors were rare but, a couple of generations on,I am of the view that its normal to allow DCs friends into the house (and much better than them roaming the streets!). If you don't share this view I can see its hard to empathise with the OP but just saying you would never allow it to happen doesn't really help throw light on their current situation.

Someone upthread wondered if views are polarised according to age which made me wonder if the latter group are older posters who have or had teenagers?

I love having my children's friends come stay. I guess we have an unusually open house, partly because my 19-year-old goes to a specialist music school that has many foreign students who can't go home on weekends and half term holidays.

His 20-year-old Italian girlfriend was here a lot of weekends, and joined in with our family. As I posted above (which seemed to rile up a couple of other posters) they have now amicably drifted apart and I do miss her, (though I also think it was time for them to drift apart). Don't see how any of this is bad or unnatural? I was glad they liked being here; I was glad she wanted to join in with our family rather than trying to annexe him from the family; she enjoyed home cooking and homely chats by the fire; they split up when they wanted to, without comment from me; I miss her friendly chatty presence because we got along well; I have lots of other friends, but that doesn't mean I don't notice she isn't around any more.

If you never let anyone join your family temporarily, but keep people at arm's length, maybe you experience less pain, but surely you also experience less of the give and take of life, the messy joy of having different kinds of friends.

Ocelot I don't know if you're referring to me but I didn't say gf /friends aren't allowed into the home, I don't think this is what Seoul said either.

What we are saying is when it comes to partners, we do not 'integrate' them into the family, permanent fixture. I personally do not allow sleepovers with gf /bf type relationships.

Friends are of course welcome and all are treated warmly but we maintain our boundaries.

I don't think previous posters are right in minimising the relationship as 'only two years in her early twenties'.

I agree. I met DH when I was 21, got engaged at 24 and married just before we turned 26 (birthdays are v. close together). I'd already had a three year relationship with someone else before I met him. Just because someone is young, it doesn't mean they date frivolously or that it it means less than a relationship in your 30's.

Personally, I think it's kind of the boyfriend to consider their futures and end it now. Yes, she is only 24 but if she wants marriage and kids, is there much point wasting years of her life with someone who doesn't? Then breaking up much further down the line and starting again with someone else in her 30's?

Peace I went through this with my own dd and bf break ups when she was in her teens. I was devastated and cried. I still dislike her ex and they move in the same circles. It got better when she met someone else in another area and I did not know them or their parents.

You are not alone. I hope your dd and you are ok. It will get better.

amused I agree. For those who don't "get involved" what do you do for family meals for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings etc. Do your children attend alone even if they've been with partners several years?

It always helps to know that other posters have experienced this. Mine was irrational as I never worried about my other 2 dcs relationships but only dd who was the eldest dc like myself. It is often to do with unresolved issues in your past.
.

I can only assume that those in the 'keep them at arms length' camp haven't much experience of teenagers and young adults.

Otherwise what do you do when your dc invite their gf/bf to your home, to family meals and parties?

How do you say 'no' when the gf/bf asks for your help, advice or input? Brings you a gift? Ask to help you cook dinner?

How do you ignore them if they're chatting to you or disclosing something painful?

Looking back I honestly can't see how you could fail to integrate them, once they're over the 6-12 month mark and no longer casual, and assuming they like being around your home.

Not all of us have huge family meals and parties and stuff.

Not my family's style at all.

ocelot thanks for your concern about how I'm perceived. Oddly enough I'm not that bothered about what random people think of me. They can take me as they find me.

You are not alone OP - I started a thread very similar to this a couple of months ago when my DS split with his girlfriend. I missed her so much - and the poster who said mums who have a close relationship with their DS girlfriends should get their own friends - I have tons of friends but why should that stop me developing an attachment to someone else who was almost part of the family.
In my case they got back together and I was a little wary at first but we are just as close again but I remember well that feeling of being bereft when they split.

seoul I don't have any opinion about you never eating with your children's boy- and girl- friends and never letting them sleep over. I haven't called it "weird" or said you needed to be friendly to them...

You said it was "weird" that I was "matey" with my grown son's girlfriend, and that I needed to "get some real friends". I was responding to that, and pointing out that it was actually nice and enjoyable, with no drawbacks for any of us.

I have always tried to be welcoming to my children's friends. I also hope that eventually their future partners will feel happy to join in with our family occasionally.

I'm pretty emotional about a lot of other stuff ..elderly parents, one now in a nursing home after having 2 really debilitating strokes, oldest child just moved out and then this.
You were fond of him and pleased to see DD happy. Then it all came to an abrupt end. Of course DD is your main priority.

But sounds to me a lot like so much in your life is out of your control. Life stages to do with end of an era/people saying goodbye and then a bit of hormonal upset too to complicate things further. That's why your response took you aback. I don't call that weird. It was a straw on the camel's back.

Telling us about your feelings is still safer than blurting it out to DD. It may be you felt you'd lost what her boyfriend represented.

Fwiw I think the ex did the right thing, not wanting to let your girl get her hopes up by drifting along as so many do.
Hope DD finds happier times very soon.

Slightly different scenario. My ex's mum phoned me after he broke up with me - she was in tears and told me that she couldn't believe I wasn't going to be her DIL. It was strange having to comfort her, when I was also very upset. I know that he didn't introduce his subsequent GF to her, because he was worried about how she would react. So I guess I am trying to say, don't get too hung up on the ex, as it might impact on your DDs subsequent relationships.

Hi I’m looking for the user peace47. Can you please contact me. I read your post about feeling sad with your daughters break up and I just want advice.

Peace 47 can you plz contact me. I need help with the same thing u posted about back in 2017.

I totally understand! I was extremely sad when my DDs partner of 7 years left. He’d lived with us for 5 years and I was very used to him being around. I’ve only seen him a couple of times since and it’s almost 2 years since they split. I’ll always miss him but would never let my DD know that and didn’t let her know how sad I was when they broke up. She’s with a lovely guy now-seems to be very serious. I’m really pleased and happy for her. Life goes on. 🙂

If you didn't feel love for this young man, and pain at his absence, I'd venture to say THAT is the sign that there's something amiss with you emotionally

Fucking hell!!!

ZOMBIE THREAD

@SeaShoreGalore

Omg. Good spot! I’m usually so careful before I post anything on a thread! No idea why this appeared on my MN. Sigh.

Sorry OP! Hope it’s all sorted out now!

@offside

Urgh this knocks me a bit sick really. You need to get a grip and grow up a bit.

Having dealt with,and still dealing with, a MIL who has never got over my DP's ex girlfriend (7 years past now), I can tell you it breeds a lot of contempt and it's very toxic for future relationships, including the one with your daughter.

Don't show this side to your daughter and I suggest your pull your socks up and get on with your own life.

Harsh don’t you think?

An awful lot of people who have younger children seem to assume that once your children pass 18 you suddenly stop caring so much. That they are adults with their own lives and any concern for them is over-investment or needy or weird.

Then your children reach that age and of course you love them as much as ever, and feel as protective as ever. But the problems they face, and the risk of them being hurt - physically and emotionally - is now much bigger. And you can't protect them anymore. It's hard.

Worrying about them out driving late at night, drinking with friends, walking home alone, being rejected for jobs, failing exams, having their heart broken, pairing up with someone who's bad for them. Any caring parent worries about these things.

It is absolutely normal to want your child to have a happy relationship. And those suggesting you shouldn't care that your daughter is hurting must be very hard-nosed (or they haven't been there). It's also normal, after 2 years, to have imagined them together longer term and to miss having him around. There's nothing weird in that.

I remember many moons ago splitting up with the third bf in 18 months and my mum saying 'That's it - stop bringing them home. I get attached each time then they disappear!' As a parent to young adult DC I now know just what she means.

Anyone who does not understand this reaction has never been in the situation. I have. My daughter was with her high school sweetheart for 4 years. We watched them grow up together and plan for the future. We had family dinners, celebrated Christmases and Birthdays together. We went through loss as well as happy times and celebrated graduation together. When things with his home life blew up we took him in and lived as a family for over a year with him. He was like the son we never had. When they broke up and he had to move out it was like a piece of my heart completely broke. Having to watch him go through the heartache and all the stress and know that I couldn't be there for him as I could for her as seeing me only added to the heartache as he views me like another Mother. So hard on everyone. Anyway, seeing that someone else has felt this and understands the pain helped me feel like I'm not completely out to lunch. Those of you leaving judgy comments should seriously think twice about trying to diminish someone's pain or make them feel like they are somehow wrong to feel the sorrow and loss. It is brutal to watch both your son or daughter go through the heartache and also care so deeply about their now ex and have to step back from them at the same time.