Paranoid about my Partner looking at other women (maybe)

[Birdy388]

Ok, so here goes...

I am in my middle 20's, partner of 1 and a half years, adore him.

Previous relationships haven't been great, been cheated on, last relationship of 6 years, engaged, found out he had a OW, ended the relationship. Jumped into a new relationship too fast as I can now admit (I know silly me!)

I have always been insecure about myself, always suffered with low self-esteem, which I can now admit and see.

Ok, that's the background done I'll try and get to the point, god knows how desperate I am for help.

Current relationship... met, amazing, we fell in love and hard, he moved in... he started turning EA, I almost left, he changed, literally everything stopped. Still drabs of it but nothing I can't put him in his place about. He's done very well in that department. Now... this is my problem.... I'm 80% sure I catch him looking at other women when I am with him, some of you won't mind this, some of you will, me personally I see it as a no no, if he has cheeky looks when I'm not around that wouldn't bother me, it's when I am with him that I find disrespectful.

If I'm truthful with you all its become that much of a problem that I literally watch for it happening. I panic when a women walks by. I have confronted him about it many many times and each and every time he denies is until he is blew in the face, he literally gets angry with me because I won't shut up about it. Says he is scared to look in a certain direction in case a women is there.

He has had enough of it that much that last night he said if I accuse him of it again he is going to leave me... I've heard him and taken note.

I know some men (and women) can't physically help it, so I asked him, "could you possibly be doing it without knowing? Habitually almost?" He replied with "I know what I am looking at, your imagining it"

My head is absolutely mashed with it, it's become such an issue with me that my self esteem is becoming worse and worse, it has literally made me feel distant from him because I think he is interested in other people, I can't handle that.

My question is... am I that insecure I am imagining it? Or do you reckon he does do it and is profoundly lying to me.

I am under counselling for my self esteem and so far I don't see an improvement.

Please for god's sake help me 😭😵

What do mean looking?

I am a people watcher. Most people look at their surroundings l. If dh told me i had to look in the opposite direction everytime a man walked by, I would tell him to piss off.

Or is he staring for ages, leering at them?

You say he was EA, but there is a chance that you are also.

It sounds like a deeply unhealthy relationship. You maybe having counselling but i think you might need it together as well.

Although personally i think you would be better splitting tbh.

ledaP

He doesn't stare, looks once, twice, three times maybe even four.

I haven't told him to look in the opposite direction, he has done that on purpose to stop any accusations.

We are in counselling together.

I don't want to leave him because of this one issue, we are really good together apart from this. We really bounce of each other.

If I can sort this issue, we will be fine. I just want to know how to sort it.

It's hard to tell from your op. Is It just a fleeting glance or is it tongue hanging out leching? Does he look differently at different people eg would he look at an older man in the same way as he does attractive women? I find some men do this but most men don't so I would be pretty sure if it was my partner.

Have you tried being single?

Cross post. Three or four times makes it sound as if he is definitely eyeing up other women. If it was a surreptitious admiring glance, you could redirect his attention back to you but it sounds like it is causing such conflict, I would call it a day myself.

I cant tell if he is leering or just looking round. I love looking round when i am out.

You may not tell him he has to look the other way. But he does because of your reaction if he happens to look in the same direction as another woman. That is EA. Many people who are emotionslly abusive, never demand anything. But act in a way that causes their partner to act differently to avoid confrontation.

There are 2 possible options here

1 - he is leering, knows you hate it snd does it anyway and then makes you out 5o be the crazy one. If this is right counselling wont help because he doesnt give a shit and is still emotionally abusing you. If so you would be better apart.

2 - he genuinely isnt doing it and you are destroying any attempts to fix the relationship. In which case the relationship is doomed anyway.

Have you broached this in counselling?

If he is abusing and gaslighting you then please don't have joint counselling. Surely after such a short period of time together counselling should not be needed at all! I think you may have swapped one abuser for another more subtle one. Be single - have counselling yourself? He does not sound great at all tbh. Red flags are a waving.

All of this angst 18 months in?!

For whatever reason, he is not making you feel secure in this relationship. I'd go with your gut instinct. Sorry, but this all seems like too much hard work.

And why you'd want to be with someone who has been EA to you and 'still is sometimes' I honestly don't know.

Heathcliffitsme errrrr....depends, sometimes fleeting glance, sometimes a longer stare. He swears to me he isn't. He has swore in every family member's deceased graves he doesn't look at other women AND he is threatening to leave me I'd I accuse him of it again,said he has never been accused of it, ask his ex's if I want he said, he is loyal to me and isn't interested in any other women.I just find it so hard to believe that I AM IMAGINING HIM doing it, says he could be looking at something else in thE direction... but I find that hard to believe.

With regards to the old man question I would say so (I THINK) I don't see him looking at old men or whatever, his eyes seem to be drawn to EVERY FEMALE (our age range) we pass 😖 be it in the car, shop, dining out, whatever.

He swears to me he isn't, I'm not imagining it am I?

The watching is possibly a red herring, what you need to do is to step back and take stock of this whole relationship. Does it make you happy? Do you trust this man with your emotional wellbeing? Is a relationship actually where you need to be at the moment?

None of this is right. It shouldn't be this hard.

Pps are right. It shouldnt be this hard.

If this is your only issue why are you in joint counselling?

Ledap I would say it isn't a drooling scenario. Do you honestly think he could be doing it purposefully?

I will be bringing it up in counseling. I have personal centered and couples. I have brought it up in my personal centered, but I am with 'mind' and I don't think she knows how to approach the situation. Should I bring it up in couples?

Heavenly eyes, why not? Where's the red flags?

Ilovespringandchocolate he's honestly a changed man in that department, by sometimes I mean the odd blackmail, or guilt trip, aren't we all capable of doing that in the odd occasion?

corythatwas what's a red herring?

He went to counselling for his childhood issues then the man referred us to couples counselling, honestly we had no idea why but we go because it was offered to us and we thought it would be silly to turn it down, it can only help I suppose?

I used to have this problem with my partner. I found it was actually more my insecurity than it was him. If I saw an attractive lady walk past, I would catch him taking a look and pull him up on it. Something that a pp has said was true in my case.
I actually realised he is a people watcher. Not just women, but everyone lol. I actually have to tell him to stop staring a lot of the time, I don't even think he realises he's doing it.

Do he has had counselling, you are having it and having it together?

Honestly it sounds like you dont and wont ever believe him. I cant say wether you are right or not.

I can tell you this relationship is never going to get anywhere. Neither of you will ever be proved right. He is standing firmly on what he says. So are you.

I am not suggesting you back down, but this wont ever be resolved and will not help your self-esteem. You are working against the counselling.

You dont trust him and he has no way to prove his innocence. Like you have no way to prove you are right.

Maciesmammy how do you handle it? Could this possibly be my problem then?

I think only you can answer that tbh. Like I said, I took a step back and just watched. Then realised it seemed to be everyone and not just women.
I also think it depends if you believe he loves you 100%.
I trust my partner completely in that department so even if he does take the off glance at a woman if not too bothered by it.
Like you say, you are though x

LedaP I agree with you, maybe I am working against the counselling, but surely I have to stop accusing him, stop keeping watch, it's so much hard work when we go out in public, it's extremely exhausting for me 😩 maybe I should stop watching for it...

I never for a minute thought I'd receive some end the relationship comments though :/

Odd glance x

Maciesmammy I honestly believe he loves me 11000% I believe j am his world. I WISH I weren't bothered by it 😣 x

I am doing my own head in more believe me 😷 x

I'm definitely no expert but it sounds to me like it's more your insecurity than it is him looking at people.
I honestly don't know what would help, I think people with a lot more knowledge on here will be along to help xx

Red flags - you sound incredibly vulnerable, you have been abused before, he has abused you, you got into this relationship far too fast, he sounds like he is gaslighting you, you are having counselling already as a couple. You seem to want to do anything to change yourself to mould yourself into what HE wants. You write like a blinded lovesick teenager who will do anything to cling onto him. He threatens to leave you if you do not behave. Need I go on?