Paranoid about my Partner looking at other women (maybe)

[Birdy388]

Ok, so here goes...

I am in my middle 20's, partner of 1 and a half years, adore him.

Previous relationships haven't been great, been cheated on, last relationship of 6 years, engaged, found out he had a OW, ended the relationship. Jumped into a new relationship too fast as I can now admit (I know silly me!)

I have always been insecure about myself, always suffered with low self-esteem, which I can now admit and see.

Ok, that's the background done I'll try and get to the point, god knows how desperate I am for help.

Current relationship... met, amazing, we fell in love and hard, he moved in... he started turning EA, I almost left, he changed, literally everything stopped. Still drabs of it but nothing I can't put him in his place about. He's done very well in that department. Now... this is my problem.... I'm 80% sure I catch him looking at other women when I am with him, some of you won't mind this, some of you will, me personally I see it as a no no, if he has cheeky looks when I'm not around that wouldn't bother me, it's when I am with him that I find disrespectful.

If I'm truthful with you all its become that much of a problem that I literally watch for it happening. I panic when a women walks by. I have confronted him about it many many times and each and every time he denies is until he is blew in the face, he literally gets angry with me because I won't shut up about it. Says he is scared to look in a certain direction in case a women is there.

He has had enough of it that much that last night he said if I accuse him of it again he is going to leave me... I've heard him and taken note.

I know some men (and women) can't physically help it, so I asked him, "could you possibly be doing it without knowing? Habitually almost?" He replied with "I know what I am looking at, your imagining it"

My head is absolutely mashed with it, it's become such an issue with me that my self esteem is becoming worse and worse, it has literally made me feel distant from him because I think he is interested in other people, I can't handle that.

My question is... am I that insecure I am imagining it? Or do you reckon he does do it and is profoundly lying to me.

I am under counselling for my self esteem and so far I don't see an improvement.

Please for god's sake help me 😭😵

A relationship where you have to call out EA is not a safe relationship.

My husband can stare all he wants when he's not with me, but when he's with me he has enough respect not to.

The only times he has is when a spectacularly gorgeous woman walks by and then he will make a comment like "Blimey, sorry" and then we both have an ogle! I like to think that's pretty healthy.

I'm sorry OP but I think your relationship just doesn't sound right. If after only a short period of time your DP is given other women 3rd and 4th looks when he's with you, it sounds like he's looking for the first exit he can find.

I think at your age it would really do you some good to end the relationship and try being single for a while. You deserve better than this guy. Good luck!

What you describe your relationship to be is an absolutely classic case of a vulnerable/insecure woman in a relationship with an abusive man.

Ofred, how on earth have u concluded that?! We are all capable of crap behaviours, the op too. Her DP is attending therapy, he's changed his crap behaviours. Even if he is ogling women it's not abusive, it's disrespectful at worst. Please stop throwing the word abuse around like confetti, you don't know this man and by the sounds of it he's put in the work to fix his early issues. Abusive people don't fix themselves because they love you. Your making a lot of assumptions based on some very vague posts, possibly projecting.

Imo had the op came on and said her DP was constantly accusing her of checking men out, watching her every move to check whilst out and about. Well he would be the controlling one wouldn't he. But in this case maybe this is genuinely a couple who have issues yes.. but self awareness too. The op has stated many times he loves her to bits, people are determined to make out she doesn't know her own mind and has poor judgement. People are way too quick to call it abuse on here imo.

I genuinely can't understand why anyone would try to suggest a woman in her mid 20's with no DC would try to save her year long relationship with a man who has been/is emotionally abusive to her. And is in counselling with him already.

Am I missing something here? Is this regarded as normal?

I think uou need to work on your self esteem and if your councilling isn't working then change it. To put it in perspective I wouldn't even notice if my husband looked at another woman and if he did I would find it totally irrelevant. We all look, it's human nature. I know he loves me, I know he fancies me and I'd be deeply concerned if I thought he acted like he was dead from the waist down and didn't even notice a pretty women.

If you're at the stage you are panicked when another woman comes near in case he looks at her and you watch to see if he looks you are suffering from massive insecurity and jealousy issues and yes this can make you abusive, him having to look the other way to avoid the slightest confusion he may be looking at another woman is simply awful and a sign you are abusing him.

I think uou need to seek help and I'd also say 18 months in and both in councilling and having these sort of issues would indicate you are not mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship at this moment and for both uour sakes you'd be better off splitting and focusing on your mental health,

You don't belong together. You're not happy. Counselling can't solve incompatibility. Sometimes people just bring out the worst in us whether they mean to or not.

I'm with you, histiny.
This relationship is causing the OP too much pain.
OP, leave him.
Have at least a year without a partner, with counselling, exploring all the lovely, wonderful things you could be doing with your life without him.
When you are much, much stronger, go on some happy, pleasant dates. Keep up the counselling.
When, maybe in a couple of years time, you enter into a more serious relationship, keep up the counselling.

You are young. You can be happy. Choose that, for yourself.

I'm very happily married, but the world would be a dull place if I couldn't occasionally appreciate an attractive man walking past.

I have no issue with my husband noticing attractive women - not obviously drooling, but taking a good look, because that's human nature, and I'm secure enough to know if has nothing to do with our relationship.

To me, your issue is one of insecurity, not him glancing at passing women.

The fact that he gets angry tells me he's being defensive. You mentioned that some people don't know they're doing it - lack of self awareness is a real thing but not an excuse. It could also be a habit. This relationship doesn't sound good because I believe his behaviour is showing that he doesn't care about you, it's gaslighting or contempt. Not good.

Best wishes in the counselling xx

My ex would accuse me of checking men out. He couldn't see that I was as drawn to the man wearing a Winnie the Pooh onesie in the shop as the topless workman. People can't help noticing a good looking person but I also look at people for other reasons.

It's hard to say if he's being inappropriate or not but I'd say that this issue is a red flag for both of you. Maybe being single and focusing on friends/career will be better for your self esteem and maybe he'll be better off with someone who trusts him.

The fact that he gets angry tells me he's being defensive.

Maybe, but he also could be exasperated. The op has hinted that she can be quite extreme. My DH got angry with Mr and rightly so. I was neurotic, everytime i clocked an attractive woman i would be watching his reaction. I'd then get angry or upset and go on an on. I was convinced he was checking them out, but in time i realised it definitely was me.

I realised when i noticed my DH also glanced at men, kids, the elderly. He probably has checked women out too, but aslong as he's not gawping then it's healthy. I forced myself to change and I'm glad i did, i was a nightmare and many would call it abuse. Sometimes we can behave shit in relationships, but a decent, caring person will own their issues.

Now I'm aware the OP isn't me, but sometimes a person can be paranoid and have their judgement clouded.

Funnyonion17 please tell me how you began to tackle it.

Can I just put one thing straight here... the couples counselling seemed to happen by accident, we didn't go out seeking it. He was seeing an NHS councillor for his childhood issues, he completed all his sessions and then all of a sudden we both received a letter with an offering of couples counselling, I threw myself at the opportunity because a) I'm interested at other people's opinions of me and the behavior I may not be aware of and b) it was offered to us on the NHS and I thought well what harm could it do? If I can learn to communicate better with my partner maybe it will help me in life too.

Also yes your all right with my self esteem issues, I fully agree.

Abusive people don't fix themselves because they love you

Well, yes.

The OP also said he abused her. Bit silly to just skip over that fact.

Also I know where my self esteem issues come from,I was bullied in school because of my weight, always been a bit chubby so that's were they derive from.

I just don't know how to start fixing myself

Maybe it's best you split up with him. You feel sure of what you see... In that he's looking at other women.

Stop asking and debating the issue with him, only to have him deny it.

You don't want him looking at women and if you're 100%sure he does this, then just end the relationship. His denial shouldn't matter, because you are convinced he does it and carries on doing.

End the source of your stress and find another man.

I'm also at the idea anyone in their 20's would bother going to relationship counselling with someone who has a history of being EA (which is the worst type to try JC with) and who they've only been with 18 months. Especially if they already have long standing SE issues....

Just a total recipe for disaster.

It being hard work doesn't make it worth more, it makes it worth less.

I'm sorry, but if I was him I would of left you long ago.

And even if you take all the history out of it - either the OP's issues are making her EA and controlling or he is exploiting her SE and gaslighting her about something disrespectful he knows he is doing.

IMO that is not even salvageable never mind worth giving a go.

even if he is looking whats the problem? we all look at attractive people in real life and on TV its human nature and if he is with you and committed and is not actually following people trying to get off with them it really is a non issue. the bottom line is you just don't trust him do you, and this will come between you unless you sort it out. If you want to be with him you need to learn to trust unless he has given you good reason not to. I look at nice men and women, so does my DH... we trust each other, married for 26 years with no cause for distrust and we point out particularly gorgeous people to each other.

To the people saying it's fine for their partners to notice other women do they mean a quick glance (perfectly OK in my book) or have a few looks to the point that you notice? Because I've been out with a lot of men and I can't recall a single one where I became aware of them looking repeatedly at gorgeous young women. Now, I doubt very much that they weren't looking or noticing, but that obviously they were being discreet out of respect for me just as I was to them when clocking other men. What they did when not with me I haven't a clue and it doen't matter if they had a bloody good letch then.

My ex used to accuse me of looking and didn't understand that in order not to look, you've got to spot the person and quickly turn away. You end up looking at people more so you're not accused of looking. Talk about a catch 22 😂

I fucking give up 😂

Granted I have self esteem issues and I am seeking help. I will change my councillor.

I love this man, you've all planted a seed in my head though saying we shouldn't be together, we really love each other and honestly when I say this I mean it deeply, I am his world, he has no family, I have provided him with a loving kind, understanding welcoming family, which is what he has always wanted. If we was to lose each other it would DESTROY him and me.

We're not all perfect are we, come on let's be honest.

It's not always a 2nd, 3rd glance. Sometimes just one, also I'm still wondering if it's on my head.

Oh dear. That sounds really dysfunctional.

Funnyonion17 please tell me how you began to tackle it.

At first it was really hard but baby steps. I had to teach myself that it was ok for him to notice someone, secondly i had to stop myself checking if he was looking everytime i saw an attractive female. It was obsessive at first, so difficult not to do and my emotions would be quite high. After a while it became the norm and my negative behaviours faded and my emotional response driving them did too.

Ignore all those saying you should leave, they know practically zero about you. Trust yourself and find guidance from your counselling. Those saying if it's this hard so early leave are rediculous. Your issues of jealousy aren't just going to melt away, they would very likely drop up in future relationships too. Very rarely two whole people meet with zero issues. But you both sound determined to fix what's arising and you are self aware which is half the battle.

To many people on here with blinkered vision, never see themselves in an issue. I know there are genuine cases of abuse and cruelty and i sympathise, but as I've said abusers don't usually give a shit.. they thrive on their behaviour they don't work and change it.

The fact that you love him and he loves you isn't actually a reason to stay together, do you realize that?

He likes to look at people
You cannot stand him to look at people
And therefore no matter how much you love each other, you need to accept that if you stay together, this is always going to be a problem.

You keep asking how to fix yourself. But there is nothing wrong with you, or him. You like a man who doesn't like to look at women. He is a man who looks at women. Therefore, you two are not compatible.

I appreciate you feel shit about yourself, but do you see that because your self esteem is low, your solution to being incompatible with a man is that you need to "fix yourself"? And that that's not actually the solution because there's nothing wrong with you, or him? In fact the solution is to end the relationship, cry your tears, mend your heart a little and go back out into the world to pick out a different man (from the 3.5 billion available) who actually is compatible with your needs...?

My exH and I loved each other very very much but we were very incompatible in a couple of really crucial ways, so unfortunately we had to part ways in the end. My current partner and I are very compatible and you know what, it's never, ever difficult, we don't argue because it just works, we don't have to think about it.

Crazy idea but maybe you are actually fine as you are, as is he, and you could just be kind to each other and stop trying to force each other to change? Is that an option or would you prefer to keep making each other miserable?