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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid about my Partner looking at other women (maybe)

91 replies

Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 08:42

Ok, so here goes...

I am in my middle 20's, partner of 1 and a half years, adore him.

Previous relationships haven't been great, been cheated on, last relationship of 6 years, engaged, found out he had a OW, ended the relationship. Jumped into a new relationship too fast as I can now admit (I know silly me!)

I have always been insecure about myself, always suffered with low self-esteem, which I can now admit and see.

Ok, that's the background done I'll try and get to the point, god knows how desperate I am for help.

Current relationship... met, amazing, we fell in love and hard, he moved in... he started turning EA, I almost left, he changed, literally everything stopped. Still drabs of it but nothing I can't put him in his place about. He's done very well in that department. Now... this is my problem.... I'm 80% sure I catch him looking at other women when I am with him, some of you won't mind this, some of you will, me personally I see it as a no no, if he has cheeky looks when I'm not around that wouldn't bother me, it's when I am with him that I find disrespectful.

If I'm truthful with you all its become that much of a problem that I literally watch for it happening. I panic when a women walks by. I have confronted him about it many many times and each and every time he denies is until he is blew in the face, he literally gets angry with me because I won't shut up about it. Says he is scared to look in a certain direction in case a women is there.

He has had enough of it that much that last night he said if I accuse him of it again he is going to leave me... I've heard him and taken note.

I know some men (and women) can't physically help it, so I asked him, "could you possibly be doing it without knowing? Habitually almost?" He replied with "I know what I am looking at, your imagining it"

My head is absolutely mashed with it, it's become such an issue with me that my self esteem is becoming worse and worse, it has literally made me feel distant from him because I think he is interested in other people, I can't handle that.

My question is... am I that insecure I am imagining it? Or do you reckon he does do it and is profoundly lying to me.

I am under counselling for my self esteem and so far I don't see an improvement.

Please for god's sake help me 😭😵

OP posts:
Gah81 · 02/05/2017 10:08

I occasionally sneak the odd glance at a good-looking man. I know my DP will glance once at a good-looking woman. It doesn't bother me: he may find them fleetingly physically attractive but I know it is me he loves.

I think 3/4 glances is probably a bit irritating but I agree with PPs who think it may also be partly your self-esteem issues raising their head.

I think you either trust someone or you don't. That said, I do think that to constantly glance at other women/men when you're with your DP is a bit disrespectful once you know you're doing it and that they are upset by it.

AvonBarksdale99 · 02/05/2017 10:11

As a man I had this exact same problem with an ex partner who was also very insecure. The problem is your eye is drawn to movement so if someone walks past or if you're sat in a restaurant and someone walks in it's hard not to at least glance at them. I found myself panicking every time an attractive woman walked past as I knew an argument would ensue - but you can't even tell if it's a person unless you at least glance.

On the other hand of course if someone's staring repeatedly that's a different matter. It is a hard one.

Thephoneywar · 02/05/2017 10:17

You sound really really controlling.

The relationship also sounds extremely difficult and stressful after such a short period of time.

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 10:36

HeavenlyEyes I am not vulnerable, believe me, I was in the past but not anymore.

Honestly don't want to change myself to anything he wants... I am me, if he doesn't like that he can frig off, how have I made that out to you? If I am doing something wrong that is causing friction within the relationship I want to know and change my behavior because not only would it ruin my current relationship but it could also ruin future ones.

With regards to the threatens to leave me comment, I honestly don't blame him, I have recently been a nightmare with my behavior. If he isn't doing anything wrong and I am paranoid I wouldn't blame him for wanting to leave.

AvonBarksdale99 thank you for your insight

I have come on here to sick advice on HOW TO CHANGE/TACKLE my behavior. I know what I am and I am insecure at time's

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 02/05/2017 10:51

It's difficult to tell but I think it's partly your insecurity but mainly him. Sure, our eyes are drawn to movement so a glance is perfectly normal. But if he has another 2-3 looks at the same person, and this happens frequently, and it's only with females of your age range (rather than men or older women), I think he's being indiscreetat best. I wonder if he's just changed his method of EA you. Personally I've never been aware of any of my BFs looking at other women although I expect them to notice them. This is because they are respectful.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 11:16

Do you expect him not to notice a woman and walk straight faced as if he's marching?

I look at people when I'm out and about and I notice and look at men and women. I might actually look again, if I like what they're wearing or how they have their hair done.

We aren't living in isolation.

You do seem very paranoid and he will leave if it doesn't stop. Are you eyes fixed on him when you're out?
.

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:16

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks is it ea? Could he be doing it for emotional abusive purposes??

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:20

SandyY2K no not at all... for instance... the other day we was in the petrol station... I was queuing up to purchase my fuel, I took a glance over to my car (partner sat in the passengers seat) I noticed he was stating into the wing mirror (passengers side wing mirror) (again I may presuming) once I got back into the car, I took a glance into the wing mirror which he was looking into and low and behold there was a young female sat in the passengers seat behind my car Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:20

Staring not stating*

OP posts:
Lucywithout · 02/05/2017 11:22

My friend had a very attractive husband. Of course she saw him look at other women.
She told him "When we look at the menus in a restaurant we work up an appetite but WE ALWAYS EAT AT HOME".
Try to make it like that. Men are allowed to find others attractive, you know. Use a lighter touch when you feel his interest slide. And be glad he is with you.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 02/05/2017 11:28

He may be looking...I do too! And yes I even have at times goggled in a side mirror at men or women be they nice looking or not!!
I look at men, my husband looks at women.
At the start of our relationship it really got to me because of my ex and sent me in a spin, but it was my problem.
Even now if he looks I sometimes think 'oh shit' because he staring at a very physically attractive woman but then I do wind my neck in and never say anything, because I realise I think that way because of how I'm feeling about myself (I've put on some weight and working on losing it).
I'd say could you perhaps look at a different counsellor just for yourself? One that focuses maybe on a range of therapies to see if that helps? This is of course if he isn't genuinely leering!
We're all individual in our relationships but we are only human. I look at nice looking men once or twice if they're in my view, my husband the same with women. I do personally believe that just because we're with someone doesn't mean our feelings get switched off x

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:36

SandyY2K
Oilyoilyoilgob

I fully understand your points, I see you both have different boundaries to myself also, I am just not happy with it. By all means do it when I'm not around but please not when I am by your side holding your hand, talking directly to your face. He does grab and grope me in public, he does like to show me affection, I can't debate that point. Oilyoilyoilgob I would do if I could prove he isn't actually doing it and I am the one that is insane!

OP posts:
Offred · 02/05/2017 11:41

This is an awful lot of crap for such a young relationship!

I don't believe that you are not vulnerable/insecure or that he has stopped being abusive.

What you describe your relationship to be is an absolutely classic case of a vulnerable/insecure woman in a relationship with an abusive man.

category12 · 02/05/2017 11:41

Imagine what you could do with all the energy you're expending on this relationship. Probably power a small town.

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:46

Offred please expand I am interested...

Category12 agreed

OP posts:
Offred · 02/05/2017 11:49

All this drama, jumping from frying pan to fire with another abuser. In relationship counselling after 18 months. Fixated on something related to a past partner's treatment of you.

Quite apart from anything to do with him if you attempt a relationship before fixing your self esteem it is a recipe for disaster. You can't fix your self esteem when you are with someone who has abused you.

PurplePen · 02/05/2017 11:50

The whole thing sounds exhausting.

Yes he could be looking at other women, but the scenario could also be, someone walks past, he glances but doesn't quite see properly who it is,

"Bugger, I've just looked at someone, I'll be in the shit now if it's a woman"

so he looks again.

"fuck, it was a woman, stop looking"

"I'm in trouble now if she was young/attractive"

So he looks again to check.

I actually feel a bit sorry for him. I don't think this is a good relationship for either of you.

You're not ready for a relationship, you need to be in your own for a while and work out your issues.

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:51

Offred my previous relationship wasn't really an abusive one, yes he ran off with another women but I wouldn't of called him abusive.

OP posts:
Offred · 02/05/2017 11:51

There is a good chance that what is actually occurring is that you are trying to control him and being hypersensitive because you are vulnerable and insecure and haven't worked to unpick your history of abuse AND that he is an EA prick who is exploiting your vulnerability with this up and down high drama.

Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:52

PurplePen fair enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdy388 · 02/05/2017 11:53

Offred I've never ever been abused in the past though, all his behavior was completely new to me

OP posts:
Offred · 02/05/2017 11:53

You know what happens when an EA prick gets called out on EA behaviour? They go underground, make noises of being recovered and change tactics.

Offred · 02/05/2017 11:54

You have been abused in the past BY HIM! And I'd wager your previous cheating partner...

Offred · 02/05/2017 11:57

And if you work in therapy by yourself you will have an opportunity to find the source of your lifelong self esteem problem and I'd wager that is down to some kind of abuse in your history too.

While you are with a man who has abused/is abusing you your therapy won't be worth anything because for it to be effective you need to be emotionally safe.

Funnyonion17 · 02/05/2017 11:58

This is most definitely you been paranoid. Of course you don't see him looking at other men as you don't check.

I used to be like you, it was all mostly in my head. I had to change as i knew it was wrong and tbh damaging and i didn't want to be controlling. So what if he notices an attractive female, i bet you notice men. We all glance at people aswell, i bet your only noticing the glances at attractive women as your fear is only activated then.

Unless he's staring obviously, smiling and flirting then I'd say this is your issue that needs addressing. If so it is hard to change but i managed it, I'd you can't then you need to walk away as it's cruel and controlling.