Paranoid about my Partner looking at other women (maybe)

[Birdy388]

Ok, so here goes...

I am in my middle 20's, partner of 1 and a half years, adore him.

Previous relationships haven't been great, been cheated on, last relationship of 6 years, engaged, found out he had a OW, ended the relationship. Jumped into a new relationship too fast as I can now admit (I know silly me!)

I have always been insecure about myself, always suffered with low self-esteem, which I can now admit and see.

Ok, that's the background done I'll try and get to the point, god knows how desperate I am for help.

Current relationship... met, amazing, we fell in love and hard, he moved in... he started turning EA, I almost left, he changed, literally everything stopped. Still drabs of it but nothing I can't put him in his place about. He's done very well in that department. Now... this is my problem.... I'm 80% sure I catch him looking at other women when I am with him, some of you won't mind this, some of you will, me personally I see it as a no no, if he has cheeky looks when I'm not around that wouldn't bother me, it's when I am with him that I find disrespectful.

If I'm truthful with you all its become that much of a problem that I literally watch for it happening. I panic when a women walks by. I have confronted him about it many many times and each and every time he denies is until he is blew in the face, he literally gets angry with me because I won't shut up about it. Says he is scared to look in a certain direction in case a women is there.

He has had enough of it that much that last night he said if I accuse him of it again he is going to leave me... I've heard him and taken note.

I know some men (and women) can't physically help it, so I asked him, "could you possibly be doing it without knowing? Habitually almost?" He replied with "I know what I am looking at, your imagining it"

My head is absolutely mashed with it, it's become such an issue with me that my self esteem is becoming worse and worse, it has literally made me feel distant from him because I think he is interested in other people, I can't handle that.

My question is... am I that insecure I am imagining it? Or do you reckon he does do it and is profoundly lying to me.

I am under counselling for my self esteem and so far I don't see an improvement.

Please for god's sake help me 😭😵

As soon as a person says they or their partner would be "destroyed" by the end of the relationship... that's when I know that both of them need to walk away and (I mean this kindly) take some time to grow up.

You're young and I know you won't listen to me, but in time, you'll see that I am right.

You will be OK in the end but please understand that until you grow up a bit and learn that nobody "needs" anyone else, your life is going to remain painful and chaotic.

jouu no disrespect to you whatsoever but how can you tell me and my partner aren't compatible just because he likes to look at people? In all honesty is that a true reason to end a relationship? I understand your points and thank you for your advice. Also just to add there definitely is something wrong with me as I've been insecure in previous relationships.

I also agree that nobody needs anybody else, I am also tackling self valuation at counselling also. I am quite proud of myself that at my age I am trying to tackle the issues that I have.

Funnyonion17 that's sound advice thank you very much, extremely helpful 💐

Yes your right they would stop in future relationships as they have past.

Yes my partner is also becoming self aware which is a massive plus also.

Have you any other helpful tips for me by any chance?

Hang on, you're 18 months in and in counselling together? That's all sorts of fucked up just that. Never mind the EA and wanting to control his eyeballs.

You do need to split up and you need some time alone being single.

Tbh Birdy i think if your both willing to work on yourselves you will be fine, especially with the help of professional counseling.

Nobody on here knows u, there is some rediculous advice on this thread tbh. I mean the PP who stated that feeling you couldn't live without someone should mean you need to walk away. Lmfao!! If you love someone you fear losing them, simple. It doesnt make you dependent if you don't tolerate shit from them. I love my DH but if he was a crap DH I would leave him, simple as. He wouldn't be worth having and i certainly wouldn't fear losing him in that case. It's ok to love someone and fear losing them. Anything valued comes with the fear of loss.

If we was to lose each other it would DESTROY him and me.

This is not normal or healthy - despite what PP is insisting - but hey... good luck.

You do realise that fearing leaving him because he has you believing that without you his whole life will be 'destroyed' is classic EA behaviour?

Yes, totally in the abusive script.

18 months and in counselling? I think you know the answer OP and it sounds like he does too. There seems to be quite lot of watching going on in this relationship - him watching other women so you think and you watching him like a hawk This is not working, you can't build a relationship based on mistrust. Let him go and get counselling for yourself.

Why are you putting so much effort into 'fixing' him?

You know you can't fix him right?

And that it is highly unlikely that in 18 months this has changed from an abusive relationship to one where he is no longer abusive because you pull him up on abusive behaviour....

It is vastly, vastly more likely that he has simply learned to be more clever re abusing you. That he has hooked you because your low self esteem makes you vulnerable to codependency and kept you addicted with this myth that your life and his would be over if you break up.

"I don't want to leave him because of this one issue"(Your words at end of second post).
But it isn't just one issue. Together one and a half years, ea, jealousy from you or I hate to say it, justified reaction and building insecurity caused by him, AGAIN. Ea still then, just diverted and redirected. Making you feel bad. And counselling after such a short time.
This relationship sounds crap. It really shouldn't be like this even ten years or more in. Don't wait for him to finish it, grab life by the balls and do it yourself before you end up second guessing yet quietly obeying every thing he does and says. You deserve so much more.

Have you tried the counter-intuitive approach?

You are in a negative spiral, the more insecure you are the more frustrated he is. You need to work in the opposite direction.

Rather than forbid, go along with him. Perhaps seat down and have a coffee in a public place and ask him what traits, looks, clothes he finds attractive.

You could say as a general opener "so I think you look at brunettes, are they your type more than blondes?"

Try to be a companion and see the world from within his own head.

For equilibrium and fairness offer your own masculine preferences.

He will be pleasantly surprised and he will be less frustrated.

Because of this, he will actually look less and if he does he might share it and you will see that there is no harm done. Just superficial response to someone aesthetically pleasing but that's all.

This will also lower your fears and insecurities.

Ideally you will enter a positive spiral.

as I said, its normal to look, you need to work on the self esteem and learn to trust him unless he turns the looking into action its nothing to get worked up about, yes if he's leering and drooling then its disrespectful but from what you say its just natural appreciation of a good looking person, surely you do it too? its not worth ending a relationship for so get some help on your self esteem and trust issues and talk to him about making it less obvious

Bad romance.

My mom had a stroke and I was with her for a month taking care of her until I could get her I to a new nursing home after she signed herself out of the last. It was tolling, I wasn't sleeping and started to get pains in places. Anyways boyfriend of 27yrs went with me and was supposed to work while we were there, well he did maybe 12 hrs, wouldn't talk to me without being snappy and that started the first day we got there. He stayed at his friends home... I guess. I don't know he wasn't sharing his location telling me about his day nothing. I got obsessed and got into his phone and all the porn, girls he was looking up on FB in the are (which is where we grew up) I just lost it on him and now am having trust issues. There was so much more that happened, but how do I get passed it? I felt so abandoned and alone while caring for my mother (left side parylisis). He was not there for me and mentally and physically I needed someone and someone to talk to and he had told me he didn't want to hear it. He says he didn't cheat but... I don't know. I will be seeing a therapist because that whole month messed me up completely. Also, I have been throwing it at him like crazy and ge still got up at 3 am the other night and went and watched porn. It just makes me feel horrible about myself like am I not enough, why look up all these women and watch all this porn, hell he had 528 pictures saved on his instagram of half naked women. Following a ton on FB, tiktock, instagram, and freaking pintrest. Am I paranoid? He acts like I have no right to feel this way and I'm ridiculous.

. Crap old.post.

Poster above you need to make your own post!