Difficult new boyfriend?!

[icecreamsundae82]

Oh god don't know where to start!

So been with my new boy almost 3months but we've had about 4 big arguments - is this normal?!

I came from a very bad abusive relationship before and didn't give myself enough time - my fault - but as my new boyf seemed so good for me at the time I got straight into a relationship

The problems we have are that we are BOTH quite emotional and when we do disagree like tonight it's never ever his fault...always me

Tonight was over the disagreement we had on the phone Thursday night! He wanted to talk about it which was fine but it led to a very looooong what appeared to be a verbal ear bashing from him....he says I ' talk at him' ' rant' in an argument but I honestly don't think I do? Then when I tried not to even get upset in anyway shape or form tonight and not even try and say the wrong thing...he still gets upset with me?

He makes me feel like I'm in the wrong all the time and I got to the point where I asked him to leave my flat tonight which I feel so sad about
Even though when we've had the other 3 bad arguments we've said let's try and sort it before we get upset.....but I got really upset and I tried not to...but I couldn't help it

I'm sat here so upset as I have really fallen for him but just need to talk to someone - like to argue this much isn't right is it?!

There's other red flags don't wanna rant so if anyone there up and can talk to me would appreciate it

he will definitely try to persuade you back. they always do. you many even feel relieved when it happens even though deep down you also know it's messed up and a mistake to give it another go. he will pull every emotional trick to try and get you back in line. just be ready. your self worth is not dependent on him liking or wanting you - you are worth much more than this game playing, twisty man.

Op, I've been through very similar stuff. I luckily found a way to end my ( latest in a string of) rubbish relationships, I took some time out, and I actively worked on my emotional wounds with a therapist, and by learning to meditate, and finding out who I was ( controlling narc mum, so lots to unravel).
I found how to make myself happy.
That was half my life ago, I am now 15 years into a lovely marriage with someone who wants me to grow and be myself, with two great kids.
You CAN do this, you can pick yourself up. Get some perspective, know that one day this will be a chapter in the story of your life, an important one because it will be a turning point, but part of a much bigger story.

Thanks everyone
No I'm not taking anything for this anxiety. To be honest I've not really addressed it until now.
I'm going to seek some help this week and try and sort myself out xx

So an update
I'm not coping at all well with what I've been through as some of you have worked out from what I've said

I plucked up the courage to go to the drs....I've been given 20mg of fluoxetine
He was really nice and I'd been working myself up all day
Feel a little better knowing I can get some help
I also have a number for councilling which I've called and left a message

So the question is ...do I tell anyone about this?!
I have my mum sis and best friend who would be the only people I would tell or do I just give it a month and see how I get on ? That's my follow up app with the same dr xx

Talk to people that are close to you. I went to the doctors, went on meds and went to one counselling session (which was helpful but I didn't want to continue with more), my anxiety was really bad for a couple months and I wasn't coping well at all but eventually came of meds as I was gaining weight, joined the gym which helped hugely with my anxiety (and the weight gain), I now feel much stronger. Things do and will get better xx

I'm just in two minds if I should talk to them or not...think because my hands still all over the place

So do you mean the meds helped or they didn't? He said they wouldn't kick in for weeks so I'm hoping I can self help in the mean time as he said up to 4 wks and i only have 4 wks worth?! X

If you have a close friend then talk to them, I spoke to my family but they were not always helpful, I was lucky to have a friend to turn too and they were very supportive.

Yes, meds can take a while to work and I hated the side effects, after 3 weeks of taking them I had hit rock bottom and ended up phoning the crisis team (it was new year and everyone was out having fun, I felt like my world had ended) but after hitting rock bottom and being unwell for a few days I realised that only I could change the way I was feeling. My gp advised me to stick to the meds which I did for a few weeks but once I made a few changes to my life (joined the gym, let my family help me a little more)I came off the meds, I had a few wobbles but now I feel much better than I did when I was In the bad relationship/s in the past. I have come to terms with being single and no longer feel lonely, I'm happy with myself and have found hobbies I can do either alone or with others (to keep my mind busy). My anxiety is so much better.

Yeah see my mum and sis may not be the best people as firstly my mums a very negative person and often says things like snap out of it and I don't think she fully understands depression is an actual illness
As for my sis she is under stress herself and like yourself I think well I know I need tonnage lifestyle changes so I think a combination of it all will hopefully help.
I've tried only self help before and unfortunately it hasn't worked so I need to give the meds and the councilling a go. So I will try and persevere if I can. Xx

Give the meds a go, they do help but you need to stick to counselling too, talking is the best thing. My mum told me to stop taking meds and to pull myself together, this wasn't helpful . I use mindfulness techniques when my anxiety is high, I find this is one of the few things that work when I have gotten myself too worked up about something.

Yes I'm quite looking forward to the councilling as I think I should have gone years ago.
Definitely going to stick to both and hopefully I'll start to feel better
Along with trying to be positive and make some changes to my life to get me back again
As this is rock bottom and I don't like it xx

Hi OP, just to inspire you, when you reach rock bottom, the only way is up ! YAY 😄⭐️

Thank you ! Yes that is true xx

I wouldn't bother. It's not normal to argue that much, you should be in the new relationship phase he should be taking you out and getting to know you.

I'd bin the twat

Just want to say sundae that you can talk to people, or Not talk to people; your choice. IF you think someone will help, and not judge, and not impose their views, then yes, talk. If someone is negative, or tried to tell you it's your fault, then FGS you do not need to tell them a thing, even if it is your mother/sister/best friend.

Good luck with the meds.

Thanks
Well I've since spoke to my mum and seen my friend in person and decided that I don't want to tell either of them
Not that I'm ashamed but I just don't think they will give me the best support
So I've decided to keep it to myself but recognise that i need help for me.
Thank you

I think regardless of who you choose to go out with you need time to recover from your relationship and that recovery and intimacy don't always sit well together unless communication is excellent between the two people sometimes it is better to just ride the feelings out for a while and not get too involved with anyone until you feel more accustomed to your new lifestyle.

It really isn't healthy to go straight from one relationship to another and I have done that when I was younger so I know how turbulent it can feel adjusting to being on your own and at the same time getting dependent on the feelings and affections of another.

I would also like to add I just recently met a guy who was in a bad relationship and as it was over 30 years long he is very wounded and unable to be with someone at the moment. Time and patience and friendship is what he needs and not a girlfriend. I have told him this in an email he isn't in the right place to get involved with somebody it is too recent. If you are still getting over somebody then you need people in your life who put you on the emotional plus and not those who do not meet enough of your needs or bring you down.

It is very easy to get hooked on attention from another when we are in a vulnerable place but even if this guy was perfect I am not sure straightaway after a relationship is the right time for someone new. I can only speak from experience. You need time to cultivate your inner peace.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best.

Thank you. I just wish I felt like this 3 months ago and I would have been in a position to recognise that I needed to be on my own
I even told him this at the start that maybe even he wasn't ready but he was so adamant that he has waited so long to be with me and he was saying he didn't want to lose me. He said things like he thought someone might take me away? He's very insecure and he doesn't realise that brings me down

We have since spoken and I've said I would like to be friends
I'm not wanting to not speak to someone just because it didn't work out
But he's told me can't be my friend ? I've said we can cool things and just see what happens in the future but he's not happy with that either
So in limbo a little x

He's not your friend, really he's not. Look back on your own posts. I'd suggest not contacting him or taking contact for 3 months at least.

As to what he said & didn't say 3 months ago, it does matter now. That's the past. It didn't work don't waste any more time.

Btw I had a guy like this & let things run on so I may be coloured by own experience. I wish though somebody had given me a shake & told me to cop on

Op three months in and this is atleast your second thread about him. I remember the thread about him bringing his dog into your flat and wanting it on your bed. I think it's time you call it a day don't you?

Op I have also observed it is very rare for a man to be just our 'friend' after we have been involved. They seem to take it all too personally if it hasn't worked out and they cannot rise above it. Only a few can just be friends but by far the majority can't. I would value yourself enough to know what is good in your life and stick to what is working out and what isn't working out just get rid of and eliminate as best you can.

It does take time to learn all of this. In my life it has taken many many years to remove toxicity quickly enough. This is because my first husband was very violent and controlling and that was in my twenties and lasted 7 years. It was not until I learnt to value myself more than others and the negativity they were bringing to my life that I learned to step away. It is definitely a skill that can be learned even though it has taken me so long to learn it! For a very long time I thought relationships were the answer then I slowly learned the best relationship I can have is the one with myself first.

Good luck.

I think he's right about not being friends. Being friends is very very hard if you have feelings and let's face it he must be a bit obsessed with you, if he wants to keep you even when you are unhappy in the relationship.

Yes, I agree with the others that you have a proper clear break for a couple of months at least. It will all be far too complicated and confused if not.
Then, after that 2/3 months, reread your threads on here and decide whether you still want to be friends.

But he's told me can't be my friend ? I've said we can cool things and just see what happens in the future but he's not happy with that either
So in limbo a little - but why is it his decision? You TELL him you are not going to be more than friends; if he doesn't like that, then between you, there is nothing.

End of.

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