Icecream, I also found it difficult to tell good relationships from bad. ie I had a boyfriend who brought me food when I was sick, and then he expected me to have sex with him because he brought me food! And I was so desperate for love that I thought 'well, he did bring me food'! I cringe now looking back at that because I know that I was fooling myself. I was telling myself that things weren't that bad, that's what guys are like, what do you expect, all that stuff. That's why I hate it when guys do stuff and women are like 'UGH MEN TYPICAL' because, no, treating people you love badly is not 'typical' and I wish we'd stop settling for trashy guys because we think that's all there is.
What I love about my husband is that he will do anything for me, but he will also call me out when I am being a dick. He is very patient and kind, but if I am sharp with him or unkind, he doesn't hesitate to tell me (politely) that I am not being nice. Then it's all over - he doesn't sulk or bring it up 100 times or lord it over me next time we fight. We will kiss and make up and go back to being normal. And because he is like that, I feel like I can also be open with him if he does things I don't like. Other guys I met, if they criticised me, they'd bring it up time and time again. If I criticised them, you'd think I would have told them their mother was a prostitute.
When we started dating, he was always where he said he would be. If we were meeting up - he was there. If I called him at work - he was there. If he was with friends - he was with those friends. There was never any second guessing with him. That was a big thing for me, because I knew I could trust him. I had other boyfriends who'd say they were at work and then next thing I know they're rolling in pissed out of their head.
When he does stuff for me, he doesn't expect a reward or praise. We live abroad and he sorted all my visa stuff for me and I had no idea how much work it was until another woman I know complained about the process. He just did it, same as he washes up or cleans the house without expecting me to fall to my knees in gratitude. But at the same time, we ARE both grateful. He notices when I've hoovered or taken out the rubbish and says thank you, and I do the same for him. With other boyfriends, if they so much as rinsed a plate or made a cup of tea, it was all 'aren't I marvellous?'
In the past, I placed the 'spark' above all else. Now luckily, I also have that with my husband, I fancy him like crazy, we laugh all night long and act like a pair of teenagers, but even if we didn't have that, I'd still want to be with him. Being kind, caring and dependable will help love last a lot longer than fancying each other.
I don't want to just write a huge post about how amazing my husband is, but to point out how I, who had nothing but shit relationships til I met him aged 31, recognised that he was different.
And I don't think it was a coincidence that I was finally happy being single when I met him. Happy people attract other happy people.
About your birthday - just try to let it pass quietly and don't think too much about it. It might be a bit miserable but you can survive it anyway. You can do whatever makes you feel a little better - watch netflix all day, go for a walk, get a coffee. I have had miserable birthdays and they suck, but they're not the end of the world.