Difficult new boyfriend?!

[icecreamsundae82]

Oh god don't know where to start!

So been with my new boy almost 3months but we've had about 4 big arguments - is this normal?!

I came from a very bad abusive relationship before and didn't give myself enough time - my fault - but as my new boyf seemed so good for me at the time I got straight into a relationship

The problems we have are that we are BOTH quite emotional and when we do disagree like tonight it's never ever his fault...always me

Tonight was over the disagreement we had on the phone Thursday night! He wanted to talk about it which was fine but it led to a very looooong what appeared to be a verbal ear bashing from him....he says I ' talk at him' ' rant' in an argument but I honestly don't think I do? Then when I tried not to even get upset in anyway shape or form tonight and not even try and say the wrong thing...he still gets upset with me?

He makes me feel like I'm in the wrong all the time and I got to the point where I asked him to leave my flat tonight which I feel so sad about
Even though when we've had the other 3 bad arguments we've said let's try and sort it before we get upset.....but I got really upset and I tried not to...but I couldn't help it

I'm sat here so upset as I have really fallen for him but just need to talk to someone - like to argue this much isn't right is it?!

There's other red flags don't wanna rant so if anyone there up and can talk to me would appreciate it

he will use* (not he will trust)

Sounds to me like he's not contacting you to "punish" you for whatever he's decided you've done wrong (nothing as far as I can see) and then when he does finally get in touch you'll be so terribly grateful (he hopes, I really hope not) that you will give in to anything he wants - most probably a demand that you move in with him, thereby losing your independence and being totally financially and emotionally dependent on him. Please take a step back and realise what he's doing and the games he's playing. This is all aimed at achieving one thing - controlling you by playing on your emotions.

Doesn't sound lie a healthy relationship. It's early day's , so please do yourself a favour and leave him. This is a repeat of your past, you need time out to yourself with no relationship. Maybe some councilling will help you too, but you mostly need time out on your own to get over your last abusive relationship.

You will not be able to get into a place where he isnt going to say something that effectively blames you. He is abusing you.

You are not in a place to help yourself recover from your last relationship. You should not feel lonely just because you arent dating someone or texting many times a day. You should be able to relax and recover and (re)discover who you are before you embark on a relationship. You should get out of this relationship and then get some counselling to help you think differently about yourself.

And then find the right man for you.

Thanks everyone
I'm so glad I came on here and also sticking to my guns and not contacting him even though it's been hard as yesterday I just felt so awful.
But I know that I've got to be strong
Xx

You have done the right thing, I was in a relationship like this not so long ago, things moved very fast and I fell for him straight away, we started arguing, it got more and more often and he always made me feel as if it was my fault, after a year I was getting very depressed and ill and it got to the point where he was making out I had said things that I hadn't and told me I was seeing things. He got quite abusive (verbally), in the end I found out he had been seeing other women behaving my back and he had been lying to me about lots of things. I got rid but the abuse continued, I wish I had walked away earlier, there were so many red flags but I was so besotted with him that I didn't want to see them.

Things will get easier, spend some time on your own, build yourself up before getting into another relationship.

So little one has breakie and and dvd on and I have a cuppa and just about to do the freedom course !!!
Feeling terrible and just feel it will help me if he does happen to contact me as obviously he was supposed to be coming over today
Otherwise I'll be feeling rubbish all day even though I'm trying my best not to
Wish me luck xx

Thinking about it he has said things that make me sound like I didn't say
He has twisted my words
Like when I asked him if he wanted some space from me when he was giving me an ear bashing he was like yep, so I asked him again and he said yep and when we got up to go he said that I was the one who asked for space?! But he wouldn't listen when I said I was asking him a question as it appeared he didn't want to be here?!

So annoying when i think about it x

Once you have got through the no contact thing you feel huge relief, you deserve better. He sounds very much like my ex, he used to manage to make me feel sorry for him and make me feel as though I'm the one that had started the argument.

Well doing that course that hasn't made me feel any better at all
It's just high lighted all the good things he also does as he does all the good things too!
Some of the awful stuff really wasn't relevant so it's just left me feeling horrible
I know he has done wrong and there are some red flags but I'm feeling really confused now
Can't shake this sick feeling off

The course should take a bit longer than that. You do realise that abusers are nice and then nasty don't you? And even if they are nasty 1% of the time then that is too much? Some red flags is red flags too many.

Sundae, stop making excuses for him, he is a bellend, you cannot kid yourself, and you'll get short thrift from us. Pull yourself together, and have a very Happy Birthday. It will get easier. This isn't just about you, you have a child involved in this . Harsh words, I know, but very true !

Sundae you sound totally desperate to make this man out to be a lovely considerate man! He's not that bad...

Are you actually reading these posts? Have you actually read your OWN posts? Have you thought about what it willbe like in a year? 5 years? 10 Years?

What about your child? Will you inflict this 'difficult' man on her too? What about when he starts to gaslight her? When he's rowing with her every couple of weeks? She will also always be in the wrong, poor thing.

You want that, that's fine. She won't.

Happy birthday Sundae

The freedom program is about changing your mindset and that can't possibly be accomplished in 50 minutes!

You're doing so well, keep strong! You know this relationship isn't right. What he's doing here is teaching you that if you voice an opinion that's different to his, he will make you feel uncomfortable and make you pay for it.

Go out for a birthday walk with your daughter or a day trip. Make today about celebrating you x

The bad things about him are so bad that no amount of good things could make up for them.

I'm not doing well at all

I've tried and tried but I feel I've just ticked the boxes today as far as parenting goes. Luckily lo is to tired she is going to bed soon as I feel
I'm not coping

Not just coz of him but because I've also realised I'm not happy
I have had constant anxiety since we argued
I can't eat anything and I haven't really slept
I have a big knot in my tummy that if I'm being honest has always been there but raises its ugly head

Hi OP, you're being very honest, anxiety is awful. Do you have any medication for it ?
Try to stay off caffeine and alcohol if you can, they won't help.
You're doing so well, and if you're feeling like this now Lovely, imagine how it would be, if you lived with him.
Just to drive it home, you really are doing the right thing. 🌺

, sorry today hasn't been easy but I promise you it will get better, I suffer terribly with anxiety and my ex made it so much worse with the arguments and making me feel stupid, it's 6 months since we split but I now feel much better, I feel better about myself and I feel more confident, I have got used to being on my own and I'm enjoying not having the stress of worrying about someone else.

It's ok to feel how you are feeling and it will get better xx

He's bad news. He's love-bombing you (with a side order of blowing hot and cold to keep you on your toes). The blowing up because you said he didn't understand your situation? That's a really bad sign. His 'anger' is to get you to back down, to agree that he absolutely does understand your situation and that yes you'll move in with him.
Ask yourself how you'd be if you invited a man to move in after 3 months and he wasn't sure. He had DC, job, schools to consider. Plus the fact that it's had been only 3 bloody months and you hardly knew each other. Would you get angry at him? Or say fair enough, you've got a point. I've only known you 3 months - how could I know you or your life well enough. Or, say if you didn't have the insight to know why they said no, you'd still say fair enough your choice.
The freedom programme is usually a 12-week programme. You need the time to really think about it and review your relationship(s). It goes through early warning signs like moving too fast or making himself indispensable early on (The Persuader), putting on a show of being angry to get his own way (The Bully). He's just waiting until you're in deeper before he brings out the other tactics. He's still got his date face on right now and even that's not too pretty.

You need the Freedom Programme, and I would say it's best to do it in a group, so you are hearing the same abusive experiences you've had come from other people's mouths- and you realise you're not alone in this.
It's a 12 week programme, and there's no way a 50 minute session will do anything for you.
Contact your local Women's Aid.
You also need to do the'effects of DV on children'.
It's not only you that's suffering through these abusive relationships, it's your daughter, and while you have choices, she doesn't.

It's hard to hear, but you need to completely change your focus from put all your attentions and emotions into the drama and unhealthy dynamics that are your relationships, and into improving you and your daughters life.
Whether it's through education and training etc. Concentrate on making a life for yourself.

Happy Birthday!

My thought about the moving in stuff is that it's easier to ask you than to find a lodger. And he'd get sex and domestic services into the bargain.

He might have been a nice friend back when yiu were both still at school. But sounds disastrous as a partner.

Remember, the early months of dating are like an audition for a role in your life. Pretty clear he's not up to scratch for the role of new partner. And you're doing bloody well to have spotted something awry, used MN as a sounding board, and worked through what are the best things to do.

You have had two days of feeling pretty crap. Every day you get through is one day closer to a day of freedom where you will wake up and be pleased you're single and be happy to be just you and lo.

If you're tempted to go back to him, to let him persuade you back, just think of the two crap days you've already got through and think: do I want to go through these again, after the next fight? Do I want to go through these again, plus try and find some place to stay because I moved in to keep the peace?

Be strong. KOKO. You're getting closer to a happier future for you and your lo.