Difficult new boyfriend?!

[icecreamsundae82]

Oh god don't know where to start!

So been with my new boy almost 3months but we've had about 4 big arguments - is this normal?!

I came from a very bad abusive relationship before and didn't give myself enough time - my fault - but as my new boyf seemed so good for me at the time I got straight into a relationship

The problems we have are that we are BOTH quite emotional and when we do disagree like tonight it's never ever his fault...always me

Tonight was over the disagreement we had on the phone Thursday night! He wanted to talk about it which was fine but it led to a very looooong what appeared to be a verbal ear bashing from him....he says I ' talk at him' ' rant' in an argument but I honestly don't think I do? Then when I tried not to even get upset in anyway shape or form tonight and not even try and say the wrong thing...he still gets upset with me?

He makes me feel like I'm in the wrong all the time and I got to the point where I asked him to leave my flat tonight which I feel so sad about
Even though when we've had the other 3 bad arguments we've said let's try and sort it before we get upset.....but I got really upset and I tried not to...but I couldn't help it

I'm sat here so upset as I have really fallen for him but just need to talk to someone - like to argue this much isn't right is it?!

There's other red flags don't wanna rant so if anyone there up and can talk to me would appreciate it

Wowzer just googled love bombing

Feel quite sad reading that
My heart was sinking and nearly every sentence I could relate to

He described his ex gf as a narc as was an awful terrible person who he had to block and has left scars on him - it's her why he's left so insecure
Hmmm ?

No to the freedom programme
Will do that definitely
I should have done it when I left my ex...but as I met this dude I thought I didn't need to

I need some councilling too but I have no idea where to start with that?
Do I just google local ones ?

Re the moving in yes it's far too soon and I questioned how blase he was being?! As he said if it was straight away fine, if it was 6m-1yr fine, no pressure then made it sound too good to be true but I felt pressured you know?! On reflection he's laid his heart on the line ( I mean he said some lovely stuff ) made it easy for me even saying things like he will ' jump in and test the water and make sure it's safe and steady for me to jump when I'm ready ' bombarded me with messages like that and I guess he was expecting me to say yes I'll do it! Because I said I got a bit scared (naturally) think it's taken him back...but then he said he did get why I would feel like that so I was a bit confused
Then he went into to attack me saying I talked at him and ranted
Which is something he can't seem to handle when all I did in my opinion was get upset over something?!
Again normal reaction
It's then how it's not recoverable after that's not normal
Feel good for talking about it though xx

Let him go, been in your shoes, it only gets worse.

You're only with him 100 days, that's absolutely nothing in the story of your life. I've had colds that lasted longer!

You're now arguing about arguing. Get rid. Don't give him head space.

He will be back though with more love bombing. Don't be taken in. He's scamming you.

It's nothing personal btw, you're just a handy victim. He'll be onto the next one when he realises the that he can't lure you in again,.

You'll be the crazy ex then. After all he did for you...sob sob

That's very true. Going to enjoy the day with my family. Do something nice with lo for my bday. And do the freedom programme next week when I have a day off. I've got lots on next week so I'm going to keep myself busy and get some councilling booked in
Enough enough now xx

been with my new boy almost 3months but we've had about 4 big arguments - is this normal?!

No it is not! The first few weeks are the heady, hormonal, infatuation phase (not "love" by the way) and it should be all wonderful. It's a very bad sign that you're already having problems.
I'm not going to label him "abusive" because it's hard to tell. He might be, he might not be. You might be a massive PITA, you might not be. But at the very least you sound incompatible. He sound emotionally immature (the too much too soon sounds just like most of the relationships I had in my teens TBH, before I realised that lust/infatuation doesn't = love) and you sound as though you need some time on your own to heal. Only when you feel as though you don't need a new BF to be your support system should you consider dating again.

Thing is we do have all that and it's verb pretty perfect so it's not all like it was last night

But I do understand and get what you and everyone is saying
You can't all be wrong!

And I'm partly to blame as I shouldn't have got into a relationship as in clearly not ready so it's been hard on him too as I am quite emotional as a person

There is nothing wrong with emotional op

But this guy stalked you, reeled you in, and tried to trap you straight away with a house move, and is now getting angry because you are pulling away. He's very subtly trying to control your every move.

You have done well to re think and ask questions, good luck 💐

And this is the longest we haven't spoken! Sounds silly I know but we message and talk so much in the day it's unreal! My ex was nothing like that ( not saying he was good he was an ass in another way! Very moody and angry ) my new boyf seemed calm cool collected sweet and he is - and he constantly messages me in the day
At first I did think god he doesn't leave me alone but because I felt quite neglected with my ex, and he knew that, it was refreshing in a way and I've gotten used to it.
So this is the longest we've not spoke
I always get an early morning text and I was expecting a sorry even though I've said I don't want any contact but I guess this feeling just makes it very real.

Just get out.

I don't think it's a case of being too soon, but more that you aren't compatible with each other.

I wouldn't expect those arguments so early in a relationship.

Try and reflect on how you have spoken to him and as some people don't realise how they come across.

That could be the both of you and when emotions run high, it's easy to speak in a way you wouldn't normally do.

Sundae, you're doing very well so far, planning your Weekend will definitely help.
As for you moving in with him, five years would have been too soon. 😂
You have had a very lucky escape, from this love bombing manipulator.
If you get lonely, come on here for a chat. Your little girl is your priority, focus on her, know that you are 100% doing the right thing, and you'll soon get over this drip of a man.
The path you're treading now, will lead to somewhere good. If you turn around and retrace your steps, you are facing misery, along with your child.
I hope that you have a really lovely birthday OP, bake a special cake, with your little girl, get some balloons, have some fun ! 💐🎂🎁🛍

So I've just found this
And it's made me feel a bit sick
Because since we've been together when we spend 2-3 nights apart which is often as I usually only see him one night a week when lo at her dads and then generally at weekends and when we are apart obviously he says he misses me as I do him but then he tells me he wakes up with anxiety? Saying it's because we aren't together

Personally I think neither of us are ready for a relationship
Not to sound horrible but he's not good for me - not good for my emotional well being
I was very much hurt from my ex and I haven't had any time to heal
Again I'm not blaming him it's my fault as I'm obviously in control of my actions but reading that I didn't even think it was a problem until I found a site about healthy / unhealthy relationships

Aww thank you !!

Well yeah I suppose I did talk to
Him in a way he didn't like
I don't think it was terrible but he did...so yeah I guess we are not compatible as opposed to it's moved too soon xx

FGS please don't move in with him! He's making it all very simple and attractive for you to move in, and minimising the fact that you will lose your own home, your dd will move schools, you will change jobs - but once you do all that, you will indebted to him IYSWIM.

He is offering easy, free accommodation? I don't think so. You will be an unpaid skivvy at the very least. A punchbag at worst. He will then start on your friends - isolating you from them and them from you. You will be totally at his mercy .

The constant phonecalls/texts - I bet you think that's sweet? After an abusive uncaring ex? It's NOT. It's a red flag - he wants to know where you are and what you are doing ALL THE TIME.

I'm glad you read up on lovebombing, now please read the 'sticky' thread at the top of the relationship board 'Listen up everybody'.

he sounds like an emotionally manipulative abuser. He is anxious if he doesn't wake up with you? lovebombing? expecting you to move in asap? Run like the wind.

If something sounds too good to be true it pretty much always is.

There are more ways of paying than through money and he's making himself terribly clear. Don't be persuaded by him, see who he is and make a better future for you and your dd.

Many happy returns.

I would cut your losses. It's only been 3 months?!?

Do try the Freedom Programme and put some real effort into learning how to build healthy relationships. It can be scary to be single if you're used to being with someone but it is essential for you to grow as a person, figure out who you are and how you deal with relationships in future.
Have a lovely birthday

Not to sound horrible but he's not good for me

I think it's really concerning that you are worried about sounding 'horrible' for saying that someone isn't right for you. That if he likes you then you are obliged to like him back?

It is perfectly acceptable to decide that someone/something isn't what you want.

Well so it's the end of the day and I've had no contact

I'm actually really surprised and I'm feeling really really down
I've tried my best to enjoy the day with my family but I just couldn't

I don't know what to do
My head is saying what to do as you are all saying on here but I feel sick

And reading up on lovebombing and other stuff well we haven't spoken in 24 hrs so it doesn't add up

I do feel so hurt and I want it to go away

Be thankful he hasn't contacted you!

Move in with him after 3 months when you have a DC?!?!! Madness! My BF and I have talked about this and decided that irregardless of our wants, my DD comes first and we don't think she will be ready for at least another year and we've been together 10 months and I've known him 4 years! Because that is what a decent man is like.

Keep strong and thank God he isn't contacting you.

He will contact you and will try to reel you back in. Perhaps he's waiting until you're good and desperate.
Seriously DH and I were still grinning constantly at each other 4 months in.
He's offering you rent free accommodation 'on your terms' but is getting hissy when you hesitate. Can you see that he wants you to owe him? That the constant texting breeds involvement and expectation. You're being reeled in to dependency. And when you're dependent he has you where he wants you...

Get out now while you can. It sounds like he wants to control you and if you stay togther you'll just get used to appeasing him, it will be harder to get out and your self esteem will go lower and lower. Get out now and count yourself lucky you've had a narrow escape!

my ex was like this. and always managed to ruin occasions which were supposed to be special in a relationship - valentines, xmas, my birthday.. he would always engineer an argument by 'being so hurt' about something i'd done to hurt him. and then it would be my fault that occasion would be ruined afterwards!

honestly, you can't win with these people - he will move the goalposts every way possible so you always feel wrong footed and confused. he knows he has you where he wants you because you would have left by now otherwise, so now he will trust those feelings you have for him to hurt you in the cruellest way...and it will always somehow be your fault.

you know deep inside you something is wrong. you have to trust this and i promise you once you allow yourself to believe he is not your saviour you will start to see things clearly, begin the process of detaching and you will feel much better.