Fiance refusing to show me bank statements..

[Motherknowsbest84]

I was on Google history on our tablet the other week looking for the ticket office I had ordered my son's paw patrol live from.

I've had no reason to ever do this before but what I found shocked me.

My partner had been on betting sites all day every day and I also found a few loan sites in there too..

When I questioned him about betting he said he only uses what he has won and the 5 pound free bets.

I've had no reason to question him before but lately he is saying he is skint and that he has dipped into savings to pay things off..

What was once £6,000 of his inheritance is now £1000..

I don't know what's happened inbetween.. I do know he has treated me and the kids and himself. But I can't see how this has accounted to so much of a drop..

Over the past couple of months.. Maybe around 7 months he has won over £5000 and again I never questioned anything Because bills were being payed ECT.

We both earn and split everything equal..

However.. shocked at his continued declaration to being skint and given the Google history..

I bit the bullet and asked for his bank statements and also a recipect of his deposits to SKYBET..

He has always been money private, I've just never questioned it..

What I don't understand is, in the past year he has had and won over £10,000 he has also earnt over £20,000.. but he is skint? He also has a credit card limit Of nearly £2,000..

Bare in mind we split everything...
He has treated us a bit more..

So when I asked he refused me access... I'm I wrong in thinking huge red flag!

He would rather leave than show me his statements.

You're right, massive red flag.

I'd bet money on him having a gambling addiction (no pun intended!). I would run for the hills, do not marry and become financially entwined with someone who refuses to be transparent with his finances!

He's addicted to gambling.
Don't marry him.

sorry OP!

How do I prove it though..
I've Had the conversation with him obviously and all he said was "you don't mind spending the fucking winnings." "If I had an addiction no bills would be payed."

I said of course fucking not.. it's winnings from our money!!

I honestly don't know what to do..
He won't show me his statements because apparently its an invasion of privacy and he needs some privacy..

I've offered my statements to him.

But of course I've nothing to hide other than the odd pair of bought shoes lol..

But I'm completely transparent.

It's all becoming more obvious. He constantly questions where my money goes.. but I can't do or prove anything unless he shows me the statements.

I've told him it's a deal breaker..

Do not marry him.

Stay with him if that's right for you right now, but don't become financially linked with him and DO NOT MARRY HIM. Break off the engagement - and tell him why. No, not just because he has been gambling, but because his reaction to your finding what you have has sent alarm bells ringing like crazy. Refusing to engage, threatening you with leaving - he is afraid of what you will find, and more worryingly, is determined to keep financial secrets from you and lie to you.

I would also review your joint commitments, especially housing. DO you own or rent, who pays, whose name is on what? What are you jointly liable for and what other elements of finances does he have responsibility for?

Sounds like overkill but believe me it's not. Good luck.

How do you know he's won money? I bet he hasn't.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Yes, to me it would be a deal breaker.

Not to tell you what to do but glad you have used that term.

Gambling is horrific - just do not go there. The red flags here are pointing the way to a life of misery for you AND your children.

If this is honestly his considered response, then that would be it for me. Easier (and less ruinous) to split right now.

I've known a couple of friends who have had their lives ruined by gamblers/bad spenders. It's heartbreaking.

What you forget, is that as much as he may win, he's lost much more. Those are the ones he doesn't tell you about.

Nobody really wins in the long run except the bookies themselves.

Best not to be legally entwined with a gambler. My friend was married to a gambler and he got in debt to the tune of 50k. They had to remortgage the house to clear his debts.

Don't marry him

Luckily, we rent...
I can't leave him right now due to health reasons because I'm unable to look after DC soley..
That won't be forever though..
Also unfortunately for him, he know finacialy he is better of with me.
He doesn't ready want to leave, but I have a sinking feeling he is thousands in debt..
I do have some debt but mine are only probably around £700.. all in control and payed for by myself out of my own wage. Which doesn't effect me paying bills.

It's slowly adding up,
He always questions my debts, wage, spare income. How much I'm paying water and that I need to have it lowered ect.. that's his panic...

Yet i know nothing really of his affairs except what he chooses to tell.

He is secretive of his post and does most things electronically. I've a cat in hells chance of passwords..

I'm considering sending him an email.. approaching things nore sensitivily offering help and giving him a chance..
Maybe telling him I'm hurt by his lies, but also telling him I'm willing to help whatever it took, he just needs to be honest and open.

Obviously if that fails then I have no other option but to get better and leave. Although he has threatened to take everything collateral he has payed for.

Has anyone ever took the nice approach when it comes to gambling?

How do I prove it though

You don't have to prove anything. You are allowed to leave him for as little or as much as you see fit. You don't need "proof", permission or his blessing to end it.

It would be absurd to marry a man who sees his finances as "private" and refuses transparency. Once you're married his money is your money.... and his debt is your debt.

Leave. If he is telling the truth and loves you he will show you the statements to prove he has nothing to hide.

Wow if my partner had that much money floating about we'd have been on some amazing holidays, done the house up etc.
Considering your partner doesn't earn a lot it's a bit selfish of him just to 'treat you'
That money should have belonged to the family not just him.

You need to give him an ultimatum or call it quits, he doesn't sound very reliable or mature.

Yeah you see that's the thing... he's had all that money and we haven't been on one holiday..
He doesn't even drive..
He refused to spend 70 pounds on some doors or buy a new sofa.. he bought the cheapest mattress possible.. told me it was 500 pounds and when it came it's said £279 on it..
He tried to say he got it cheaper because it was in the warehouse.

He refused to go mattress shopping with me. Probably because he new exactly how much he had to spend and it was on the credit card. Why?

Oh what an idiot I gave been..

Sorry for all the typos.. I'm shaking

Stay with him if that's right for you right now, but don't become financially linked with him and DO NOT MARRY HIM. Break off the engagement - and tell him why. No, not just because he has been gambling, but because his reaction to your finding what you have has sent alarm bells ringing like crazy.

Exactly this.

You really do now need to separate from him and certainly do not be fool enough to marry him. It cannot and must not happen now.

I would also seriously consider your own future with this man because there is only one way this will go and that is down. He will simply drag you and your children down with him.

Like many addicts he is in denial of his problem and blames you as well. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped and besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real help to him anyway. His secrecy is also another massive red flag blowing in the breeze. Adopting a "nice" approach to his gambling will simply not work. Tough love is necessary here instead, you cannot do your bit here to keep on enabling him by trying to help him.

I would state he is a gambling addict and that most of his inheritance has been lost through betting. The rest of that inheritance could well go the same way. Have you ever seen a poor bookie OP; no neither have I.

You'd be mad to marry him, he's a compulsive gambler.

I sent this simple message..
I love him and if I was in a bad place I would want help.. He may not and that is another matter.. But, I have to atleast give him that shot..

If not.. well I plan to leave in the next coming months.

Okay so I've had a think about this and I believe money is the root of your anxiety and I do believe it is caused by yourself..
I believe you are stressing out Because you have a gambling addiction and you have a number of loans out and you are in debt. I believe that this is probably at the root of your aggression and what is making you so angry and stressed. I don't want you to message me back I just want you to think about what I'm saying. You are probably hoping I'll never find out but unfortunately I already know what's going on. You just continue to lie about it. The lying hurts more. I would much rather you come to me with your problem so we can sort it out together. Yes you have payed for a Lot of luxuries this year (Df) of which I am thankful for.. but you have had a larger amount of money than you have spent. I really need you to be honest with me if we have any chance of this relationship..

I need you to show me how bad you are in debt.. I don't care whether you are £7,000 Or £700,000 In debt..
What I need to know is you aren't going to lie to me anymore and you are willing to let me help..
When you get home and the kids are in bed can we go through your statements? Work out the problem and try find a solution?
I'm offering my hand here.. I'm offering this relationship another chance.. don't let anxiety cloud over your judgement. I promise not to judge only help... IF you are honest with me.

Be very careful. My cousin found out, out of the blue, that her husband was a gambling addict. He'd run up enormous debts, they lost the house and got divorced. She was left, at 40, penniless.

Check that he isn't running up debt in your name if he has access to your details to take out loans in etc.

Broadly, this would be a deal breaker for me. Could you move home with your parents or anything if you need help with DC?

I've never lied about been I debt. I've told you about my debt. Alot is from 10+ years ago from years living on my own. I'm not paying any of that at moment. I've got loans recently to consolidate, I don't and never have bet rent, food, bills etc money. I Enjoy gambling. I don't My anger and Anxiety are down to my past especially my childhood, I am a worrier, I struggle with bereavement badly, I haven't grieved my gran since she's gone and rarely think about her which upsets me when I think about it. I grieved her when she was alive and hate that i began to resent how she was near end and feel guilty. We will have a joint account set up before you have operation and I will put in what I have left after paid my loans and credit card, phone etc like you will put in. Then once bills out from what you've put In we will spilt whats left. We will then spilt child tax credits and benefits after foods been bought. Tax credits and benefits can go straight into joint account. I always look do nice things. Hardly actions of someone who apparently blows every penny on bets. Your acting like I'm the issue. I don't like ultimatums. It makes me feel bullied.

Above was his reply...
I can't help but feel he is using things like his grand death to cover things up.. As awful as that sounds..
I feel like he is gaslighting

If he had nothing to hide he would agree to show me statements.. I've no idea why he need consolidation loans if he isn't paying old debt.
He is beating around the Bush isn't he.

Oh Op, I think you know what you need to do. He isn't going to stop lying.

LEAVE.
Leave leave leave leave leave.
My dad was a gambler.
He will do whatever he wants and think he is in control until he ends up in the worst kind of mess.
Don't let him drag you down with him.

I'm sorry OP

You can run a credit check on yourself with Experian, to see your credit score. There's a free trial.

Bear in mind, that just like any other addiction, it will be hard for him to admit that he has a problem. Don't shout /loose your temper and be as calm as possible. I know it's easier said than done.

Some people cannot live without gambling and my own DF is one of those people. He would never get into debt over it, but at the same time he could never not gamble.

It sometimes stems from wanting a better life, wanting to be financially comfortable and feeling that a big win is the only way.

When my DF was younger, my DM told me the house /kitchen was set on fire, because he was in the Bookies. He popped out just to put a quick bet on and left something on the cooker.

If you're able to get a clearer picture of the debts, then a strategy needs to put in place. There is counselling for gamblers and debt specialists.

Good luck