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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance refusing to show me bank statements..

82 replies

Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 12:00

I was on Google history on our tablet the other week looking for the ticket office I had ordered my son's paw patrol live from.

I've had no reason to ever do this before but what I found shocked me.

My partner had been on betting sites all day every day and I also found a few loan sites in there too..

When I questioned him about betting he said he only uses what he has won and the 5 pound free bets.

I've had no reason to question him before but lately he is saying he is skint and that he has dipped into savings to pay things off..

What was once £6,000 of his inheritance is now £1000..

I don't know what's happened inbetween.. I do know he has treated me and the kids and himself. But I can't see how this has accounted to so much of a drop..

Over the past couple of months.. Maybe around 7 months he has won over £5000 and again I never questioned anything Because bills were being payed ECT.

We both earn and split everything equal..

However.. shocked at his continued declaration to being skint and given the Google history..

I bit the bullet and asked for his bank statements and also a recipect of his deposits to SKYBET..

He has always been money private, I've just never questioned it..

What I don't understand is, in the past year he has had and won over £10,000 he has also earnt over £20,000.. but he is skint? He also has a credit card limit Of nearly £2,000..

Bare in mind we split everything...
He has treated us a bit more..

So when I asked he refused me access... I'm I wrong in thinking huge red flag!

He would rather leave than show me his statements.

OP posts:
confuugled1 · 27/04/2017 13:44

Do a credit check on yourself - there are some free ones and some that will give you a month's free trial. Things like experian and there are several more.

I think that you can also order credit checks on other people so check out your dp too...

Then you will know exactly what his situation is regarding loans and general credit, which will enable you to see if he is consolidating old loans and how much he is currently owing. And then you will know how truthful he is being to you about some stuff as a starting point.

And it's tricky - although a joint account sounds ideal to have access to, be really careful about opening one up and tie-ing yourself in a credit sense to somebody who has a gambling problem.

I'm guessing that although he does treat you to things that they are nowhere near the amount of money that he has spent on gambling.

What would he say if you said that you wanted to sit down and work out your joint financial position, going forwards, and fill in a family budget, along the lines of the one on the money saving expert site, to see how much you have, what you need to spend and how much you have over to spend on general stuff...

sucue · 27/04/2017 13:45

None of his response makes any sense, it's all smoke and mirrors.

His inheritance has gone. He owes a lot.

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 13:50

I'm not overimpressed with his response and planning above. Shouldn't child tax and any benefits relating to dc go into your a/c? I note how he is already sowing the seed of thought that you might be bullying him.

How long have you lived together? I think it would be wise for you to do some immediate ringfencing of your own money, making sure he has no access to your wage, money for the dc and your a/c.

It might also be wise to check out your status regarding housing. Reconsidering the whole relationship would be next on the list because he has laid out the t's and c's right there. Are you agreeable to them or are you edging closer to saying no? Would you be able to speak to anyone in RL about this?

I don't see that marriage would be anything other than a financial disaster waiting to happen.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 13:56

We've tried to sit down before..
It never works..

His dad was a gambler and he gambled all their income left his wife with nothing.. they lost their home.. they divorced.

He got help and now are back together but unmarried.

I know I have hit a nevre because he has now become a little bit angry and somewhat abusive.. blaming me ECT. I shouldn't have spent the winning ECT. I knew that would happen. Throwing all the gift to the house and kids in my face.

Can't win. Atleast I can say I tried. I'm trying to stay calm but it's taking all my being not to scream at the arse Angry
All I keep saying is, we need to go through statements and build a foundation of trust otherwise I can't move forward.

He Is also bringing up the fact that because I have a child with another man and that pathetic excuse of a man isn't providing for his child I should be chasing him for money instead of DF.

OP posts:
pumpkinmoon1 · 27/04/2017 13:56

He's skint because he is losing more than he is winning/earning. You're not wrong at all, this is a huge red flag and if it is what it sounds, you have a very big problem on your hands. Is it a joint account or in his name only?

It really sounds here that he has a problem with gambling. I have had first hand experience of the devastation this can cause. My father was a compulsive gambler, and as a result, my childhood was hell. He almost had my mother and I evicted as he was spending the mortgage money on gambling, when my mother thought it was being paid. The first she knew about it was when an eviction notice came through the door. Before this, he was intercepting the mail.

You need to know the extent of this. To be it sounds pretty bad as he seems to be considering loans to fund his addiction, and it is an addiction, it's an illness.

mysticpizza · 27/04/2017 13:59

He's effectively told you he's not going to give up right there. Do not trust a word he says and absolutely do not enter into any financial association with him whatsoever. Even an innocuous sounding joint account can wreck your chances of credit because lenders can and will search associates.

You can get access to every credit report agency free now. Callcredit offer Noddle, Equifax offer Clearscore and Experian now offer free ongoing reports via MSE's Credit Club. Check them all as they don't all hold the same information depending which lenders report to them.

rollonthesummer · 27/04/2017 13:59

Total gas lighting. Do not get a joint bank account with someone who won't show you their bank statements, he will bleed you dry!

We will have a joint account set up before you have operation

He's telling you what will happen here-you need to reply and say, 'we will not!'

supermumofmany · 27/04/2017 14:01

My ex was a gambler, got us thousands in debts and then after we split(5th time of finding out his lies) i got a phone call from the bank to say my credit card was 2.5k and the payments weren't being met. Turned out he used it in cash withdrawals without my knowledge. Op get rid his answers tell all to where you will be in the future !

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:01

But he is happy to split all the tax credits?..
Lived together a year now..
No I'm not agreeable untill he has been transparent with his statements.

OP posts:
mysticpizza · 27/04/2017 14:01

Also, agree with all the advice to leave. Until he wants to get better he won't and he is more than capable of dragging you and everyone else around down with him. Don't give him access to your finances and watch them like a hawk until you've made the arrangements to go.

rollonthesummer · 27/04/2017 14:02

I shouldn't have spent the winning ECT. I knew that would happen.

What's ECT?
Did you know you were spending his winnings? You are both talking like you knew you shouldn't have spend them but I thought you said you didn't know he was gambling?

EpoxyResin · 27/04/2017 14:04

You're right OP, he IS gaslighting you.

He's trying to distract you with talk of the joint account, as if then you'll have the transparency you're asking for. Except you won't, because the joint account won't be his only account - and well you both know it.

All will look rosy in the joint account. All his debts will be elsewhere.

The very fact he's trying to employ a distraction technique to throw you off the scent is worrying. He will know how precisely how untransparent a joint account will be in reality.

I don't like this one little bit.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:04

My credit is already bad due to my ex.. he was a drug addict.. accounts in my name..
I won't make that mistake agian.. I have all my own accounts and I'm building my credit.

This is why Im glad I caught him out..

All I've asked is.. ease my mind, go through your statemnts with me. He's refusesing.. it's a pretty clear message isn't it.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 14:05

His response is also completely one sided. There's a lot of "I'm this or that" and "I will do this and you WILL do that" going on. No hint of "sorry this is a shock to you and I should have shared my alleged hobby with you sooner" or anything at all remotely resembling understanding that relationships involve team work and respect. So yeah, he's talking shit and gaslighting - as you said earlier, OP.

I'm much more wary of him now that I've re-read his "response." What he doesn't mention is as important as the stuff he does say too.

supermumofmany · 27/04/2017 14:06

My ex also got mail sent to another address so I couldn't see statements etc..... until the debt collerctor turned up at our door for one he forgot aboutHmm

watchingitallagain · 27/04/2017 14:06

Run for the hills!
My ex had a gambling addiction. I tried my hardest to help.

I'd called in sick to work one morning when the postman arrived. I'd usually miss the post and it was a total fluke I opened the post on this particular day. He was in the process of remortgaging our home (which I had put down a huge deposit on) to fund his addiction. He was so deep in shit he was forging my name.

People with gambling addictions just cannot see past the next possible win. My ex had to hit rock bottom. I wasn't going there with him. I don't think you should either.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:06

No I knew he put the odd bet on..
I had no idea he was gambling to the extent untill I seen the search history..
I've never come across such an issue before..
He just told me he put a bet on and it came in..
Why wouldn't I spend it with him?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2017 14:07

There's a lot there suggesting that you pool the money and that he gets access to it, and nothing at all about him proving to you that he is being honest.

But that's beside the point really...

Run a credit check on yourself - Experian - he may have taken out stuff in your name.
Then work towards getting shot of him as soon as you are well enough to do it!

This one won't change. Don't ruin your life by staying with him.

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 14:07

Sadly, I think you may have found a second addict; sometimes relationships have an uncanny knack of being a repeat performance. You sound stronger this time around and will deal with it differently than last time, I'm sure.

AdoraBell · 27/04/2017 14:08

I can't see, sorry if I've missed it, is he DS' s father? Either way do not marry him. If he isn't the father do you really want to land your son with a constantly broke family and the instability of knowing that the car/home etc will be repossessed when the debt takes over? And believe that is the way family life is?

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:14

No but we have a child together and my son sees him as a dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:16

I've run a check he hasn't..
He is still texting with excuses..
The thing is I never once excuse him of not providing..
I've just excused him about being dishonest about money and secretive. Which to me, has a simple solution.

OP posts:
pumpkinmoon1 · 27/04/2017 14:17

He will NEVER show you his statements, and you will NEVER know just how much of a hole he is in until you both lose everything and have absolutely NOTHING left. It is only then that he will be forced to come clean, and even then, I bet you still won't know the extent of it all.

Do not open a joint account, I can guarantee that any money you put in will be out just as quickly and will not be going where it is meant to go.

I really feel for you, this is not an easy situation to be in. I hope you find the strength to leave him and build a nice life for you and your children.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:23

His answer to everything.
So when am I out?

I think that's all the proof I need Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2017 14:36

Indeed it is.