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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance refusing to show me bank statements..

82 replies

Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 12:00

I was on Google history on our tablet the other week looking for the ticket office I had ordered my son's paw patrol live from.

I've had no reason to ever do this before but what I found shocked me.

My partner had been on betting sites all day every day and I also found a few loan sites in there too..

When I questioned him about betting he said he only uses what he has won and the 5 pound free bets.

I've had no reason to question him before but lately he is saying he is skint and that he has dipped into savings to pay things off..

What was once £6,000 of his inheritance is now £1000..

I don't know what's happened inbetween.. I do know he has treated me and the kids and himself. But I can't see how this has accounted to so much of a drop..

Over the past couple of months.. Maybe around 7 months he has won over £5000 and again I never questioned anything Because bills were being payed ECT.

We both earn and split everything equal..

However.. shocked at his continued declaration to being skint and given the Google history..

I bit the bullet and asked for his bank statements and also a recipect of his deposits to SKYBET..

He has always been money private, I've just never questioned it..

What I don't understand is, in the past year he has had and won over £10,000 he has also earnt over £20,000.. but he is skint? He also has a credit card limit Of nearly £2,000..

Bare in mind we split everything...
He has treated us a bit more..

So when I asked he refused me access... I'm I wrong in thinking huge red flag!

He would rather leave than show me his statements.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 14:38

I think it is. I'm sorry this is happening but in a weird way, you've been given a pass out of a future hell by the accidental discovery of what's been going on. Use it. Maybe your answer to his question could be something along the lines of "Now."

Protect yourself and son and be prepared for whatever he may throw at you too. More than likely he thought you'd just settle down and accept it. When he realises that his meal ticket to recklessness is not as daft as he thought, things might get difficult.

Have you got any RL support nearby? You have some health concerns and did you say an operation was imminent?

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 14:43

Yeah I'm having major surgery I'm not well.
I'll be left incapacitated for 4 weeks and unable to are for DC. There is nobody who can care for them that long.

OP posts:
Appleby39 · 27/04/2017 14:45

I would consider you out of your mind if you were to put this ass wipe of a so called man first above yours and your children's welbeing and future. Even if your renting, bailiffs can still come and take your stuff - make sure you have proof of purchase that you paid for items else they will take them, this includes your car too. You've invested a year and your at this point already, don't waste anymore years on this man unless he becomes totally transparent and goes to a help group or something. Don't get a joint account either as that will well and truly screw up whatever credit score you have now.

pumpkinmoon1 · 27/04/2017 14:49

When are you out? Of the house?

lalalalyra · 27/04/2017 14:59

Do not set up a joint account with this man

Why would you be splitting the tax credits? Why would you halve the money for the children?

Do you have any joint finances at the moment?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2017 15:05

His initial response was gaslighting the fuck out of you. Please leave this man. He will ruin you.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 15:06

We have nothing joint. Although both our phone contracts are in his name as it was cheaper..
He is now telling me to pay him th 600 pounds of in full before he leaves.

Obviously I can't afford to do that.
My brother has offered me an IPHONE though so I'm not phoneless

OP posts:
Appleby39 · 27/04/2017 15:10

You owe him nothing. Ring the phone company yourself and get your side either cancelled or moved onto an account of your own. He's obviously trying to control and manipulate you now........have his bags outside ready for him and lock the doors. Seriously though, what is this guy like usually???? He sounds a right nut case and very immature.

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 15:23

Do you have any family at all who could travel to be with you? It's a big ask but things are already heating up. Is he at work now? Once he returns and knows he isn't going to get any money from you things could escalate. Whose name is the home in?

Appleby39 · 27/04/2017 15:24

Do you have any family or friends or neighbours that could help you out whilst you are recovering from your operation? The reason i ask is that you will be inadvertently putting yourself and your children in a vulnerable position with this man if you choose to stay and do nothing. The gas lighting and the manipulation that he's trying on you right now shows that really you need to get your ducks in a row before your operation.

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2017 15:30

The phone is on a single contract in his name by the sound of it. There's no "moving people around" to be done. But currently, that's a side issue, OP. His demand for money is an issue. It confirms what this relationship has truly been about as far as he's concerned.

blueskyinmarch · 27/04/2017 15:34

So he is already moving out rather than show you his bank statements? Says it all really.

Stormtreader · 27/04/2017 15:40

That message from him is astounding "ill chuck a few quid in a joint account once ive spent most of my wages on my gambling, you put in all your money, and then we'll split it in half".

Frouby · 27/04/2017 15:49

Op please think very carefully about what you want.

I have lived with a gambler and have seen what became of my MiL because of gambling. My dp gambles and I manage our finances because he at times of stress goes to the bookies and doesn't have an off switch.

That means I have all the bank cards with me. It means I transfer his wages into my account and only leave a small amount in his account. It means I have set the limit on his skybet account and monitor it carefully to make sure he hasn't worked out how to increase the limit. It means me questioning every time he asks for cash. I treat him like a child and I hate it.

In every other aspect he is perfect. But gambling has nearly broken us a few times. My final straw came and it was either we do this or he leaves. It meant he had to admit he had a problem and it meant I had to chose between staying on this basis or we split.

Fortunately it works for us and has done for about 5 years. But I can't see your DP agreeing to it from his response. He doesn't think he has a problem.

If my dp had not agreed to let me control all our finances he would be gone. I can't live with it and neither should you.

Isetan · 27/04/2017 15:56

My credit is already bad due to my ex.. he was a drug addict.. accounts in my name.. I won't make that mistake agian..

Considering your past experience with your Ex how did you find yourself again in a relationship with no financial transparency? Yes, he's been a dick but you are a major contributor to your relationship dynamic and you do need to ask yourself why you didn't push for financial transparency earlier?

You are very fortunate that his Google search history alerted you to this
Issue but don't forget to get a credit report to check that he hasn't taken out loans in your name.

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 15:59

Unfortunately I've told him he has a couple weeks to get his shit together and leave..

He will have full responsibility of our baby together while I have my operation.. the baby will be 6 months old when I have my heart surgery, I'll be unable to care for him at all..
My parents will help with the rest, it's my only option.
As for the phone. well it's in his name. I didn't know this would happen when he took out the contract
This is his fault regardless so unfortunately for him he made that bed.
I've offered to pay for the phone in full but he'll have to give me a few months to save that amount.

Other wise he can take it.. I'm not subjecting myself to this anymore.

OP posts:
Yellowcups · 27/04/2017 16:00

I would do a credit check on your own name. Check that he doesn't have credit cards in your name as well.

This could just be male pride but you need to cover your back.

viques · 27/04/2017 16:01

He wants you to set up a joint account? Run honey, run like the wind

Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 16:02

Isetan, as much as I appriecaite your response the we never set out to put ourselves in these situations..
Shit happens and I've learnt from my mistakes now. I had no reason not not trust him.. he was paying his way unlike my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherknowsbest84 · 27/04/2017 16:03

I've done a credit check... Nothing in my name.. I caught it quick enough fortunately.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/04/2017 16:15

Although he has threatened to take everything collateral he has payed for.
This jumped out at me. It seems like it isn't "All for One and One for All" but rather he is "All for Him and Him for Him".
He sees you as an enabler-someone he can use. Now that you object, he is cutting you loose so he can use someone else.

Stop offering to "help" him. He isn't interested. His primary relationship is with his addiction. Help him leave.

You will have a better recovery from your surgery without this engulfing and developing financial disaster hanging over you. No, you do not need to "prove" it. The clues are there. His behavior is there- you don't need anything else.

Get well soon! Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 27/04/2017 16:15

This was fast moving! Well done op.
You might also want to consider the freedom progrmme or some counselling to look at how you went from a drug addict to a gambling addict so you might be able to spot the red flags earlier???

Also why cant you claim from the ex for his son?

Isetan · 27/04/2017 16:23

Hindsight is a marvellous thing but there was enough weirdness around his attitude to money and his acquisition of it, that should have set off alarm bells, especially given your history.

The purpose of my post was not to have a go but to get you to ask questions of yourself, in order to prevent history repeating itself.

Return the phone with proof of postage to the company that owns it, just in case he tries to pull some shady shit. Under no circumstances should you keep or attempt to pay for the phone, if it's under contract it's technically not his and there's a good chance that any monies given will be gambled.

No one sets out to have the wool pulled over their eyes but that can't be used as an excuse, for not being inquisitive about the things that are supposedly important to us.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2017 16:54

My cheating recent Ex blamed his cheating and porn addiction of the death of his father.
He's been a porn addict for years though.
They always use something like this.
I'm sorry this has escalated so quickly but it's a good thing for you before you got any deeper into debt with him.

I did a ClearScore credit check on myself yesterday.
I didn't need any major info.
You could check his credit rating on there.

TDHManchester · 28/04/2017 16:56

Havent read it all but what i can tell you is that a gambling addict cannot help themselves any more than a heroin addict or an alcoholic. They will lie and decieve and in fact, they often dont know the truth themselves.

They will always tell you about the wins but never the losses. They only keep accounts in their head and inevitably, they are always ahead,,they are so boring,,,dump if you have to