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Original poster

Should I cut my losses with my new DP?

120 replies

CutMyLosses · 24/04/2017 19:03

Evening all,

I have been seeing a man for 2 months now, we originally met on POF. Front the outset we had bundles of chemistry, there was never an awkward moment and we both agreed it just felt 'right'. It was almost surreal how much we seemed to have in common!

We both have young children and since we met we have been seeing each other around 3 times a week. We have slept together and I will often go to this place and vice versa. We haven't met each others children yet but in all other ways I would consider us mutually exclusive.

So here in lies the problem. I text him earlier to ask when he was free this week and he said he was pretty busy this week as he had some online dates lined up! Naturally I was quite taken aback as I had assumed we were exclusive, despite never having 'the chat'.

I realise we haven't had a conversation to formally agree that we are exclusive, but I feel that after 2 months of seeing each other very frequently it goes without saying? If he felt as strongly as I do about him he wouldn't even want to date other women. Do I just cut my losses with this one?

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/04/2017 17:20

Just block him. He doesn't deserve a text. Next!

Sorry, I know this is so shit! Keep going... you'll get there ((((hug))))

WannaBe · 25/04/2017 17:23

How have we become a society where exclusivity should never be assumed unless you've had a conversation even after months of sleeping together, and where if you've been seeing someone regularly and sleeping with them you should assume that they are probably still sleeping with multiple other people? At what point should it be ok to assume then? A month? Six months? A year? If you haven't had the chat after a year do you only have yourself to blame if it turns out the bloke you've been seeing several times a week for that long turns out to have several other women on the go as well? I don't think so.

It really does seem to be evident that so many women set the bar extremely low in terms of what they're prepared to accept. Or is this just the world of online dating, in which case why on earth do we recommend it as a means to meet people and get screwed over emotionally in the process?

After seeing each other for two months I absolutely would assume exclusivity. If he was still sleeping with other women and had the audacity to tell me he couldn't see me because he had dates lined up I would consider that it said a lot more about him than it did about me.

People really do need to not accept such low standards.....

Lessthanaballpark · 25/04/2017 17:24

I would text:

"is that your way of dumping me or asking me for an open relationship? Either way I'm not interested. But you might want to be more honest with your next fish".

Shayelle · 25/04/2017 17:27

Maybe he was completely joking?? I just cant see how anyone could be that nasty. He might be winding you up/messing about??

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 17:27

What's with all the 'hope you find the right one.", who cares if he does.

OP why not write what you really feel!

"I am really shocked you are wanting to meet new people, I thought we really clicked. It we're you just faking it it! Anyway, I am not happy to be one a conveyor belt of women in your life so goodbye."

This may be what he wants. Maybe he hopes you would break up. If so he is a coward for not talking honestly.

Why should men/anyone get away with this.

Why should you need to ask for exclusivity! How about him as long to continue meeting people!

Please OP take care of yourself. You are worth so much more than this shit.

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 17:29

Seeing someone 3 times a week for 2 months and having a sexual relationship in my book is basically being exclusive, unless either of you from the off said otherwise.

He's telling you in the most nastiest way that he's still out there looking; believe me if he had an ounce of respect for you and the intention of being your boyfriend he'd not be telling you that in a text message.

He's a nasty git to do that to you, I wouldn't grace him with anything, I'd have blocked him by now, he's one cheeky git.

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 17:34

Lessthanaballpark I don't understand your reply to me. I don't see how this is a 'game'. I think he is doing his own thing and not concerned what the consequences are. A 'game' in this situation might be to pretend to be busy to keep the other person keen. My point was I don't think hi is doing that and wonder if men do that in general.

I'm not disagreeing with you, I think you just didn't't see what I meant, or I didn't see how it relates to what I said!

Cheating, yes I know men and women do that.

Cross posted with Wannabe excellent post.

Lessthanaballpark really like your idea of a text.

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 17:38

IshipTomHardysohard excellent post.

"You deserve someone who only wants to see and date you."

Yes, you deserve someone a lot better than this.

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 17:44

'I am not interested in being with someone who is dating other people, all the best with your future, I won't be in it. Goodbye.'

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 17:47

Shayelle but why is winding her up / messing with her feelings acceptable?

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 17:53

By replying, even with witty retorts is just showing him you are bothered; I'd not let him know that, block, block, block.

Original poster
CutMyLosses · 25/04/2017 18:14

Just wanted to come back and update you all.

So I didn't end up replying to his text messages, I simply ignored him. This afternoon he sent me a very long message apologising for what he had said, and explained that it was untrue and he had only said it because I hadn't taken my online dating profile down (which is true, but I haven't been accessing it)

Either way he has shown that he is immature and nasty. He could've sent me a text asking for an explanation if he was concerned like a grown up; instead he decided to be pathetic.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 18:18

Bloody he'll, it looks like men do play games! I stand corrected!

What are you going to do?

Personally stupid and fallible is not very attractive but or is a lot more attractive than entitled and loose!

I'd Gove him a other chance. But make it clear you are the vest and expect the best! I know of feel (assuming it I'd true) that his initial stupidity is cancelled out by his ultimate honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. But I am a sucker for a softie!

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 18:22

Sorry typos!

Personally stupid and fallible is not very attractive but or is a lot more attractive than entitled and loose! I'd Gove give him a other chance. But make it clear you are the -vest best and expect the best! I know kind of feel (assuming it is true) that his ... Etc.

UnderTheDesk · 25/04/2017 18:24

Oh well done, op. Very sensible.

category12 · 25/04/2017 18:30

I wouldn't give him another chance. I don't see anything soft or vulnerable about trying to hurt the OP like that, and game-playing is about control.

Well done OP.

ClemDanfango · 25/04/2017 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CryptoFascist · 25/04/2017 18:58

You're right OP, he has behaved immaturely and nastily. This is a warning sign of how manipulative he could turn out to be. I have ignored similar behaviour early in a relationship at my peril. You are wise to bin him off now.

WannaBe · 25/04/2017 19:12

I would text him back and say "if you'd wanted to know about my profile all you had to do was ask. And the fact you were checking shows that you obviously didn't trust me anyway. So given you A, don't trust me, and B, needed to play games to find out that which you could easily have done by just communicating, it's pretty obvious that you are not the person I thought you were, so I wish you luck for the future.

Then delete and block.

BoringUsername17 · 25/04/2017 19:23

Its easy for us all to say "bin him off" as we haven't met the guy.

In the real world, if he had no previous form for being a dick, I'd maybe give him one chance (just the one) to meet up, explain himself and apologise. Preferably over a coffee rather than a booze meet so I could keep my head. But that would 100% be his last chance.

C0untDucku1a · 25/04/2017 19:58

Youre totally right op! Well
Done!

WannaBe · 25/04/2017 19:59

But maybe that's the problem. OLD doesn't start out in the real world, it starts online and even when you migrate to the real world that online thought process still seems to be there.

The thing is, what would he have done if OP had replied "ah great, I've got a couple of dates too," would he have then dumped her because he was just testing her out. It's an incredibly underhand way of testing someone, in fact it's gaslighting and shows exactly what he's capable of. And given it's only been two months I wouldn't waste any more time on someone I knew now had form for gaslighting and mind games.

As they say, if someone shows you who they are, believe them.

sucue · 25/04/2017 20:02

Yellow card. He obviously likes you and he was an idiot but it's not a game over just yet in my book. Jealousy does strange things to people.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/04/2017 20:13

Lack of communication in your part! If he posted here and said your profile was up still then he would have been told to dump!

Anyway he responded quite childishly but it doesn't have to be the end - he was obvs expecting you to give a swift response

Shayelle · 25/04/2017 20:20

Glad you found out the real reason he was acting like a knob op. Still not nice tho. Angry

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