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Original poster

Should I cut my losses with my new DP?

120 replies

CutMyLosses · 24/04/2017 19:03

Evening all,

I have been seeing a man for 2 months now, we originally met on POF. Front the outset we had bundles of chemistry, there was never an awkward moment and we both agreed it just felt 'right'. It was almost surreal how much we seemed to have in common!

We both have young children and since we met we have been seeing each other around 3 times a week. We have slept together and I will often go to this place and vice versa. We haven't met each others children yet but in all other ways I would consider us mutually exclusive.

So here in lies the problem. I text him earlier to ask when he was free this week and he said he was pretty busy this week as he had some online dates lined up! Naturally I was quite taken aback as I had assumed we were exclusive, despite never having 'the chat'.

I realise we haven't had a conversation to formally agree that we are exclusive, but I feel that after 2 months of seeing each other very frequently it goes without saying? If he felt as strongly as I do about him he wouldn't even want to date other women. Do I just cut my losses with this one?

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 25/04/2017 00:22

He is telling you that he doesn't feel the way you do. Cut your losses and learn for next time. If you sleep with someone after a few dates and decide you seem to like each other, have the exclusivity conversation early to make sure you both are clear about what the other wants/expects.

KindDogsTail · 25/04/2017 00:35

Try communicating witg each other before you cut your loses

She was sleeping with him three times a week for two months so it would be natural enough for her to feel that was communicating.
There is always that warning that chemistry alone does not make a relationship though. He may have just liked the chance for the sex.

What he has just done seems pretty nasty though and he does not seem worth staying around for.

IshipTomHardysohard · 25/04/2017 00:48

Op honestly cut your loses and don't bother with him. Same happened to me and I was gutted, he wanted to carry on seeing me but still date. Told him where to go.

You deserve someone who only wants to see and date you. Not some twat who wants to keep dating but keep you as a fall back. Some men have this dating mentality, where they just want to date and screw as many women as they can. Sod what the women actually feel. He should have least had a chat with you face to face about where this was going, not tex someone like that. Angry

Bin him, take time to heal, then get back on POF when your ready.

justkeeponsmiling · 25/04/2017 00:51

Whisky2014 's answer is excellent

KindDogsTail · 25/04/2017 01:05

Yes, what Whisky said is so simple and so right.

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 01:18

CutMyLosses I think maybe you and this guy are looking for different things. You would like exclusivity and a partner, he wants fun.

It's 100% your decision what to do but I'd say that really it's best to establish what you both want before moving to the having sex phase, unless it's OK for you to want one thing and him to want another. Because long term whoever wants least of a relationship usually gets it.

In your shoes I'd let him know I had thought we were exclusive and next time I'd get that understood before moving to sleeping together.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 25/04/2017 01:19

What are your thoughts now OP?

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2017 01:31

I don't think it matters what you call him!

But I'm curious that people think he may be lying, playing games. Do men really do this?

He's basically saying I am going to date other women, how is that playing a game?

category12 · 25/04/2017 06:35

Whiskey's response apart from the waiting to see what he responds part. There is nothing worthwhile he can come back with. Under no circumstances would I be willing to continue with him, he's obviously not on the same page and trying to keep him is "at any cost". Nope. Bin him off.

LellyMcKelly · 25/04/2017 06:59

You aren't a couple until you've had the conversation.

twoforthepriceofone22 · 25/04/2017 07:18

You asked him when you could meet up and his answer was "well I'm a bit busy dating other people this week"
Sorry he'd be history no matter what the motivation behind the comment!!
I'd reply with a light hearted "have fun, hope one of them works out for you"
Then cut contact, get back out there, you deserve better.

SparklyMagpie · 25/04/2017 07:25

Bin him off and block

Butterymuffin · 25/04/2017 07:30

Yep send Whisky's text.

ToastDemon · 25/04/2017 08:15

I don't really understand the view that it's been only 1/2/x months therefore you have no right to expect exclusivity.
It strikes me as a horrible American import. If I'd started seeing someone seriously, and three times a week would certainly feel serious, it wouldn't cross my mind that it would be anything other than exclusive - why do it otherwise and risk bollocking up something potentially special?
At two months, DH and I had already gone on holiday together and he was definitely my DP, and I can't be the only one.

ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 09:25

You met on POF? What do you expect? That site is for sex and not for finding true love.
It's how my MIL found her affairs, she's an older lady, very overweight etc but would get men turn up on her door whilst childminding wanting to have sex with her, they'd also meet her up the road, but were never interested in anything else.

If I were you I'd cut your losses and join a better dating site, if not for you but for your children's sakes.

BertsBlanket · 25/04/2017 09:48

Whisky's text is great.

I'm struggling to see any explanation other than a) playing games - making you think he's seeing other people in order to get a reaction from you b) actually seeing other people while sleeping with you.

I wouldn't want anything to do with a or b. Best to find out now rather than any further down the line I guess. Sorry OP Flowers Sad

mamamagellanic · 25/04/2017 09:54

I'd sack him off for that.

If he's 'forcing the conversation' he has the emotional age of a five year old.

If he's not lying and actually 'lining dates up' he's not that into you.

Move on to pastures new.

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 10:00

we both agreed it just felt 'right'

^ if he really felt this, then why is he sleeping with you yet still 'shopping around'?

Run for the hills!

Dowser · 25/04/2017 10:03

I met my second husband on POF

I realise I've been very lucky as he has also.

After the initial getting to know you dates we started seeing each other once a week.
Then he dropped his tai chi class to see me twice a week.
It wasn't long before I started staying at his at weekends however we didn't rush into sex.

At 5 weeks we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together...well it was never said as plainly as that..we were happy just being happy.

We had 4.5 lovely dating years , in which we got engaged after 3.5 years that were just bliss. Sheer hedonism. We lived 25 miles apart. He'd leave work on a Friday and come and get me. I still had family members living at home, so for me it was like I was going on holiday.

I still look fondly on those times. Never ever did I feel my lovely man was being unfaithful .

For yours to do that to you is unforgivable. He's just a titarse.

As someone said, he should be grinning like an idiot that he's got his chance with you.

My dh was.

TimelessReality · 25/04/2017 10:29

MaidenMother I think you're the twat here with your rudeness actually. Nothing constructive or useful in your post anyway. But hey let women have 2 month "relationships" where they convince themselves they have a "dear partner" when they are being mostly used for sex lets face it, and posters on MN says oh thats too bad, just carry on as you are!!!! I don't think some men necessarily mean to do this, but sometimes its just too easy for them to do it, as they don't see sex or hanging out at each other's houses as meaning a relationship, no matter what the woman thinks!!! There are exceptions of course when people just "know" they are going to be together even after a very short time. But most don't end up like that and it can be very dispiriting for the woman to be left like this. This OP's "DP" was obviously worse than others but there are many like him.

Branleuse · 25/04/2017 10:41

Id text back "seriously?? Well thats me told. oh well, good luck with your life, see you around maybe"

TheExuberant1 · 25/04/2017 10:50

He sounds like one of those men who do online dating purely to get as many women as they can into bed. I wouldn't reply to his text, I would wait to see if he contacted me again and then raise it with him.

QuarterMileAtATime · 25/04/2017 12:10

Is it possible that this is his cowardly way of ending things, by giving you a clear reason to?

If this is the first indication he has given that he is seeing other people, then that's how I would take it. It was short-term for him; he didn't let you know it before, but this is his way of saying he's moving on now.

Sorry, it's shit. Sad

TenThousandSpoons · 25/04/2017 17:03

Did you reply to him, OP?

Lessthanaballpark · 25/04/2017 17:19

But I'm curious that people think he may be lying, playing games. Do men really do this?

He's basically saying I am going to date other women, how is that playing a game?

Because in our culture it is a general convention/rule that if you're sleeping with someone you're exclusive and even he were genuinely not sure if OP her follows that rule he knows that enough people do to warrant clearing it with her first.

Because love and STDs are pretty big things!

I mean it's a sad day when a woman has to say to a man "well yes I'm happy to sleep with you but you do realise you that you are now legally obliged to sleep with no one else". Kind of takes the romance out of things Grin