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Original poster

Should I cut my losses with my new DP?

120 replies

CutMyLosses · 24/04/2017 19:03

Evening all,

I have been seeing a man for 2 months now, we originally met on POF. Front the outset we had bundles of chemistry, there was never an awkward moment and we both agreed it just felt 'right'. It was almost surreal how much we seemed to have in common!

We both have young children and since we met we have been seeing each other around 3 times a week. We have slept together and I will often go to this place and vice versa. We haven't met each others children yet but in all other ways I would consider us mutually exclusive.

So here in lies the problem. I text him earlier to ask when he was free this week and he said he was pretty busy this week as he had some online dates lined up! Naturally I was quite taken aback as I had assumed we were exclusive, despite never having 'the chat'.

I realise we haven't had a conversation to formally agree that we are exclusive, but I feel that after 2 months of seeing each other very frequently it goes without saying? If he felt as strongly as I do about him he wouldn't even want to date other women. Do I just cut my losses with this one?

OP posts:
TimelessReality · 24/04/2017 19:49

I can see where you're coming from Husky. But you could have a 1000 dates and it still be casual if either one or both of you are not in love or committed. Ditto regular sex. He is clearly a dick for doing this, but he probably was from the beginning.

whirlycurly · 24/04/2017 19:49

I wouldn't even reply. Onward and upward.

Whisky2014 · 24/04/2017 19:50

I'd txt back "oh that's a shame. I thought we were on the same page. Hope you meet the right person for you soon" and see what his response is.

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 24/04/2017 19:53

I'd just ignore it all together . Although 2 months isn't forever, seeing someone 3 times a week would lead me to assume we were "exclusive".

JustMumNowNotMe · 24/04/2017 19:53

I'd txt back "oh that's a shame. I thought we were on the same page. Hope you meet the right person for you soon" and see what his response is

Yes this, OP

Ellisandra · 24/04/2017 19:54

I wouldn't care about his response.

Let's take this as the most generous explanation to him - you didn't ask him for exclusivity, it's early days, perhaps he genuinely thought you were both online still.

OK.

Then you have to face the fact he's Just Not That Into You. He may like you a lot, have a lot of fun with you - but he's not interested enough to only want to see you. (I'm sorry that's blunt Flowers - I've been on the receiving end plenty of times myself!)

After 3x a week for 2 months, if he's not grinning like an idiot that he's met you and simply not interested in anyone else even without having The Chat, then bin him off. Hold out for someone who is blown away by getting a chance with you.

No need to try to draw out a response. Don't play games.

DevelopingDetritus · 24/04/2017 20:03

What a complete shit. Dump.

JK1773 · 24/04/2017 20:09

I agree with others. Bin him off. After 3 dates a week for 2 months to say that is just shitty. I wouldn't even respond to him. You live and learn Flowers

TheoriginalLEM · 24/04/2017 20:11

Don't even respond - he isn't worth it. What a twat

FindingJessica · 24/04/2017 20:13

I'm really sorry he said this to you. Whether he meant it or not, either way it's a horrible thing to say / be doing and he doesn't deserve you. This made me realise that I'm sure there are a lot of decent men out there but it's astounding how many confused / idiot men there are out there dating (I've met a ton of men in their 40's behaving like idiots with women), especially OLD dating and I think it's ruining the dating scene for many.

alphabook · 24/04/2017 20:17

He's either playing games or he's just not that into you. I would absolutely be assuming exclusivity after 2 months, seeing each other 3 times a week and sleeping together regularly. Potentially sleeping with other women while also sleeping with you is grim, get rid.

TimidLividyetagain · 24/04/2017 20:18

He is still looking out for what he really wants otherwise why would he be arranging dates .be blunt ask him about it but i would stop before your feelings get any deeper. Pof men seem to do this a lot

NurseButtercup · 24/04/2017 20:26

I agree with FindingJessica
He doesn't deserve you and appears to be another of the OLD fuckwits.

If you do Dump him don't be surprised if he magically reappears in a few months as if nothing happened Hmm

You really do deserve better.
Good luck
Xxx

Shayelle · 24/04/2017 20:28

Poor you. That's horrible Flowers

Sarasue1967 · 24/04/2017 20:29

They should rename that site "plenty of cunts", because that is what they have to offer........

SandyY2K · 24/04/2017 20:33

The best response?

"Hope you have a good time".. Then block him.

OR

Ignore and block

happypoobum · 24/04/2017 20:34

tbh I would have had "the conversation" before I slept with him.

I don't know why you just assumed this after two months?

I hope you have been using protection other than just the pill etc?

scootinFun · 24/04/2017 20:38

Oh, that is dispiriting - esp after so many dates! I would send JustMum's response.

roarityroar · 24/04/2017 20:40

OP,

You've received the standard MN arsey "oh it's been 2 minutes/he's not you partner etc" which is about as useful as a vegetarian steak taster.

He might be nervous and immature and trying to force the chat. I think this is probably the case. It's the least offensive explanation BUT it does illustrate that he's nervous and immature and shit at communication.

I think you should respond to say something along the lines of "that's a shame, I had assumed that after the time we've spent together and the intimacy I thought we shared you weren't still seeing other people, as I haven't been. I'm glad I know this now and wish you the best moving forward, but this isn't for me" but more coherent and in your words.

Then watch for the response, but don't forget how he's made you feel today so early on in a relationship.

MaidenMotherCrone · 24/04/2017 20:46

How about "new man" rather than partner? And he's not even really a boyfriend unless he presents himself as one and wants you to be exclusive.

I know it might feel natural to assume you're exclusive. But you can't. Unless a man really wants you and is serious about you - in which case he will be doing the running, seriously!

Online dates lined up? Really? I'd just ignore that text he sent you and never contact him again.

Most men and women do not view casual sex in the same way - for a man it is not a commitment or an expression of his emotional attachment to you. It is just a physical expression of how he feels at that moment in time, nothing more. It doesn't mean he has any feelings for you. If more women understood this, they would suffer less with these casual lotharios!

I am really sorry you had this experience, it must have taken you back OP. But I bet you've learnt loads from it however upsetting

What an absolute pile of shite

Lilyoftheforest · 24/04/2017 20:47

Yeah 3 dates a week for 2 months is a relationship imo. Maybe not a hugely serious one, but still getting there iyswim.

Did he not at ANY point indicate that he and you were not exclusive OP?

This is very odd. I mean I have not dated for many years, (but this does seem a bit weird.)

I agree with whiskey2014 send THIS text to him..........

"oh that's a shame. I thought we were on the same page. Hope you meet the right person for you soon" .

I would add to it however "I have to say though, I don't wish to see you again, as I wanted more of an exclusive relationship. It doesn't suit me to date someone who is dating other people."

Then wait to see what his response is. He may assume YOU are dating others to, so do let him know you're not.

I may be old fashioned, but I find it a bit odd to be having sex with someone you are not in an exclusive relationship with. Blush

The message roarityroar suggested is also very good.

"that's a shame, I had assumed that after the time we've spent together and the intimacy I thought we shared you weren't still seeing other people, as I haven't been. I'm glad I know this now and wish you the best moving forward, but this isn't for me"

Good luck OP; I hope you find happiness soon.

LonginesPrime · 24/04/2017 20:48

I wouldn't play games back.

Whether he was being honest or trying to test you, he's a douche.

I'd get rid as you can bet your life there's more hurtful behaviour where that came from...unless you genuinely think this one act is a complete anomaly in his entire life. Hmm

Let's face it - it's far more likely that he's a selfish idiot manchild and undeserving of your time and attention.

waterrat · 24/04/2017 21:47

What an aresehole. Don't try to work out what he is thinking. Just please OP set your boundaries and standards high and walk away.

And don't play games back either.

Ohyesiam · 24/04/2017 23:46

Flowers so sorry op, i get how you feel.

I would want to communicate with him, I'd want to know how he didn't manage to mention how he was filling the other half of his time. Nobody emotionally literate would do this without checking it out with you, and letting you know where you stand.

You deserve someone who is really into you, and has some integrity.

ilovepixie · 25/04/2017 00:02

I met my partner on POF we moved in with each other after 8 weeks, and 8 years later we are still going strong.