Unfriended on Facebook as an adult. More painful than I thought.

[user1492893618]

Last week I was "unfriended" by a woman I've been best friends with IRL for 8 years. We were very close and I loved her lots but our friendship wasn't without difficulty. She was a good-hearted, sensitive, cheeky and funny woman. We had that kind of friendship where we'd just be texting each other silly things all day...but I soon learned she had this kind of "yo-yo" personality. One minute she'd be her normal, happy self; then at some point she'd switch and become distant. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of her at all, any plans we made would become cancelled and I just felt pushed away.

It was clear she was fighting her own demons. When she was unhappy, communication would become poor and she'd just send these moody one-word texts or she'd backhandedly write something online, rather than confront the situation. I can't say I'm perfect either. I've always been rather anxious and wanted to keep the peace, but I think she felt like I was being intrusive. The more she'd shut me out, the more I pushed for a conversation and I guess I seemed clingy at times.

So I did something stupid. I confided in another friend (not someone she knows, but a long-distance friend who works as a counselor). I basically just wanted advice about my friend's "on/offness". It was supposed to be a private conversation on Skype, but like the total idiot that I am, I accidentally added my friend into the chat. She saw the whole thing and I was devastated. Even though I wasn't outright trash-talking, I was still discussing her behaviour in a fairly invasive way, saying things like "she tends to deal with her problems passive-aggressively, she's fickle, she's very flaky" etc. I didn't even name her, but but she guessed it was about her. She must have felt so violated.

She reacted by posting a string of angry statuses about betrayal and backstabbing on Facebook, then shortly after she deleted her account. I felt unbelievably guilty. She wouldn't answer the phone so I sent this very lengthy apologetic letter via email saying how sorry I was for hurting her and trying to explain myself. She replied saying that I didn't understand her at all and she wouldn't be able to trust me again. A week later, I still felt terrible. It was only last week she'd been so kind to me and cooked me dinner when I was feeling upset. I sent her a funny apology card to her house. She replied with a small 'thank you' but nothing more. Then she just started ignoring me completely for the next month. I thought after a while, she'd cool down, but last week she reactivated her Facebook again and unfriended me and my sister.

It's all so messy and heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't have sought advice int that way. I keep thinking about all the good times and all the things we've been through together, but all she thinks of now is the fact I'm a "betrayer", and it hurts to think all our memories are now tarnished.

Has anyone ever been unfriended like this before? Did you ever work things out?

Some seemingly alcoholic. Woah. Your "friend" is very very fortunate to be distanced from you.

I was saying that with regards to you username. Don't take it personally, You are probably just an average vodka drinker...You don't even know me. You only know me from what I've written on here because you're purposely trying to wind me up. If you call anyone a snake or nasty piece of work for venting about someone, then how do you have any friends because I'm telling you now, every single person you care about has probably bitched or ranted about someone or other in their time..maybe even you.

and my "friend" was a nightmare on these kind of forums btw. She threw insults like there was no tomorrow, but it's not something I'd judge someone for. If I met any of you IRL, we'd probably get one fine. We're all usually lovely to talk to in person, it's just when things are written down like this, everything sounds overly sarcastic and cold. Sadly, that's why I should't have wrote those things online because it just sounded so much harsher that it was actually intended. F2F communication really is the key.

I think you need to let her be.

I know it hurts. Many years ago, I pranked a good friend of mine. I thought it was really funny and I thought she would too. In hindsight, what I did wasn't funny. I was immature and she rightly pulled me up on it and ended our friendship. Many years later I sent her another email of apology which she replied to thanking me for sending it. We haven't spoken since and as we don't live near each other, I expect we will never cross paths again. It was a hard lesson for me and I am still embarrassed by it.

It is hard to lose a good friend. But you have to respect her enough to accept her decision. Perhaps you could send her a birthday card when it is her birthday just to say you are thinking of her and a Christmas card. But try to prepare yourself that she may not respond.

@Theycalledmethewildrose wow, sorry that happened to you. Out of curiosity what was the prank?

Yeah I don't plan on contacting her any time soon. A birthday card or message might be a good idea. It's about 7 or 8 weeks away so maybe that's enough time to let her move on and cool down. It might be best that we don't become best friends again as we didn't have the most stable friendship anyway, but it would be good if we could be on "okay terms" and we could accept we've both been a bit mean to each other in the past and we should just be happy for the memories we've had

Are you hoping your friend is on mumsnet OP so she can see how very sorry you are?

@gamerchick no, she'd never be on mumset, she's not a mum for a start but thanks :)

There are loads of people on here who aren't parents.

@gamerchick well that's fine...i just don't see her being on here that's all, i doubt many people on these forums would want their spouses/friends/families to know they'd been talking about them on here, whether wanting an apology or not

A Highly Sensitive Person.

Aah. I think perhaps this is your problem. You do sound needy and a bit exhausting and something of an overthinker. Perhaps she has just had enough and wants to move on from the intensity and the drama that goes with being mates with you? Who could blame her after everything you've said? She may not actually be feeling angry and betrayed, just bored and exhausted.

For what it's worth, this is what I think has happened. The Myers Briggs poster was most definitely you, and you are still stewing on it, or whichever version of it is actually the truth. You didn't get all the answers you wanted last time around so you thought you'd post with the same problem again, framing it with a different scenario.

When people noticed/remembered you, you panicked and tried to cover your tracks by denying that you had a sister, but Doh! you forgot you'd already mentioned her in your OP. So now you are desperately trying to pass it off as a typo or a misunderstanding.

Am I right? I am right.

I think you should move on from your ex-friend and forget about her. Put it down to experience. You were obviously just mismatched. It think you should work on making new friends and trying not to be too intense and needy in future. Resist the urge to overanalyse everything or you will scare them off. Just try to chill a bit and stop expecting too much from people.

The 'prank'was I knew she was sending a document to somebody (work related). I pretended they had called to say they hadn't received it. She sent it to them again. She felt very foolish as I had made her look unprofessional for sending the same thing twice. I don't know why on earth I thought it would be funny. I was immature - it was about twenty years ago.

I have read the whole thread.

From your first post, user~3618 ,
When you said you and your friend would be texting all day long (I am paraphrasing so sorry if I didn't say it exactly the right way) and then your friend would yo-yo and pull away. What came to my mind at that would be that she may have just had to get on with her day. There are things that need to be done (for everybody=chores, job, etc) that meant she could not give you her undivided attention. My impression from your posts was that you wanted this friend to be a best friend and to live in each other's pocket. From her pattern of pulling away from you, perhaps she did not want a live in each other's pocket kind of friend.

Instead of realizing this, of respecting her boundaries on this friendship, you try to make her fit in to your expectations of the relationship. You have found out that you can not make someone perform to your script for the friendship. You call her flakey (no, that is not a term of endearment) and other not quite nice things because she won't let you control her, or engulf her in what is apparently your neediness.

When you realized you were not happy with this (her pulling out of holiday plans was a pretty clear signal you failed to read) you should have backed out of the relationship. Continuing to try to control the dynamic (make her need you?) only dug it in deeper and the Skype was even more on a siding to nothing.

From this experience, I hope you can learn to respect other people's boundaries better and know when to back off. Some people do want to exist in a conglomerate organism clique, but when someone doesn't, please respect that.

The 'prank'was I knew she was sending a document to somebody (work related). I pretended they had called to say they hadn't received it. She sent it to them again. She felt very foolish as I had made her look unprofessional for sending the same thing twice. I don't know why on earth I thought it would be funny. I was immature - it was about twenty years ago.

I'm sorry you lost a friend, but, my goodness, she must have been thin-skinned. No, it wasn't that funny, but over-reaction is an understatement.

X post with French Lavender. She said it much better.
Communication issues that you acknowledge, user~3618 , may include that you need to be receptive of what others are saying to you. I know it takes courage and honesty to consider it isn't all on your friend.
As well as, maybe just a little, people can not read your mind-that is just a too much in the realm of magical thinking which doesn't work in real life or on MN .

OK, look. Bitching about people when they've been irritating us is a pretty normal thing to do. AND YET most of us would find it massively painful to hear or read our friends bitching about us. It's one of those things that does happen in private but is very difficult to get past when the veil is lifted. Do I know my best mate has human bodily functions? Obviously. Would I be able to look her in the eye again if she squatted in front of me and shat on my living room carpet? No, don't think I could.

Every time your friend sees you, OP, she'll be reliving what you said about her. So she's distanced herself to protect her feelings. You fucked up in an unfortunate way, you're only human, it could happen to any of us - but these are the consequences of the fuck-up. Your good intentions and regrets don't make the consequences go away.

Of course the loss of a long-standing friendship is painful. Treat it like a break up. Try hard to move on, not just outwardly but inwardly. Don't spend too long 'processing' stuff you can't control or change. Find other things to occupy your thoughts. If she ever wants to come back, she knows you're sorry and she knows where you are. There is nothing more you can do, so focus on other things, learn from the mistake and be gentle with yourself. Rehashing it over and over won't help you to move on.

She will never get over this. You have totally betrayed her and trust is gone. For me it would be over. Time can heal, but it doesn't heal this.
At least have the decency to acknowledge this.

I'd be more upset to be the sister...and find out the OP denys my existence to suit her own story...."I have a sister/don't have a sister/have a sister/not a counselling sister/have a sister/have a 17 year old sister/don't have a sister/have a sister but not on mumsnet....and so on...

User-this will work out for the best in the long run. It wasn't the best friendship, as you never know why she'd go cold on you.
Work on some new healthier relationships.

You are being given a bit if a hard time OP but actually I think it does sound like your friend played a few games. Drives me nuts when people post passive aggressive posts on Facebook intended as digs at people - as your friend did when she was upset. Hugely childish and immature. You mentioned that she did this a number of times not only to you but to others and then also continually defriended and re-friended people depending on her mood. Gordon Bennett - no wonder you were exasperated with her.
You've accepted what you did was wrong, you apologised to her - you can do no more. I know you are trying to reconcile things in your own mind and you will I'm sure over time - but for now don't be too hard on yourself.

You said "I'm not the other op as this has literally just happened" and also "I have backed off,I haven't contacted her in weeks maybe even two months"

This is bizarre. Yeah, most people know not to gob off about someone, and if you absolutely must, expect them to find out about it and cut you loose.
If you conduct yourself better and stop slabbering about people you're meant to like you'll find yourself not getting defriended. Kind of a basic life skill. You sound obsessed with her, leave her alone. If she were me, I would be fucking furious and think 'how fucking DARE you?!'

Ispentit - I just read the whole thread I one go and that's exactly what I was going to post.

I can't see any way back for the friendship, you need to move on and learn a lesson for the future.

This is what irritates me about 'people pleasers'. The term is so misleading.

X post with French Lavender. She said it much better.

No no AndTheBand you said it better. You used the phrase 'conglomerate organism clique.' I don't even know what that is but it sounds impressive.

This definitely sounds familiar. Before did you talk about posting on a forum about her character?

I'm sorry you're upset about this OP but maybe it's time to move on.