Unfriended on Facebook as an adult. More painful than I thought.

[user1492893618]

Last week I was "unfriended" by a woman I've been best friends with IRL for 8 years. We were very close and I loved her lots but our friendship wasn't without difficulty. She was a good-hearted, sensitive, cheeky and funny woman. We had that kind of friendship where we'd just be texting each other silly things all day...but I soon learned she had this kind of "yo-yo" personality. One minute she'd be her normal, happy self; then at some point she'd switch and become distant. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of her at all, any plans we made would become cancelled and I just felt pushed away.

It was clear she was fighting her own demons. When she was unhappy, communication would become poor and she'd just send these moody one-word texts or she'd backhandedly write something online, rather than confront the situation. I can't say I'm perfect either. I've always been rather anxious and wanted to keep the peace, but I think she felt like I was being intrusive. The more she'd shut me out, the more I pushed for a conversation and I guess I seemed clingy at times.

So I did something stupid. I confided in another friend (not someone she knows, but a long-distance friend who works as a counselor). I basically just wanted advice about my friend's "on/offness". It was supposed to be a private conversation on Skype, but like the total idiot that I am, I accidentally added my friend into the chat. She saw the whole thing and I was devastated. Even though I wasn't outright trash-talking, I was still discussing her behaviour in a fairly invasive way, saying things like "she tends to deal with her problems passive-aggressively, she's fickle, she's very flaky" etc. I didn't even name her, but but she guessed it was about her. She must have felt so violated.

She reacted by posting a string of angry statuses about betrayal and backstabbing on Facebook, then shortly after she deleted her account. I felt unbelievably guilty. She wouldn't answer the phone so I sent this very lengthy apologetic letter via email saying how sorry I was for hurting her and trying to explain myself. She replied saying that I didn't understand her at all and she wouldn't be able to trust me again. A week later, I still felt terrible. It was only last week she'd been so kind to me and cooked me dinner when I was feeling upset. I sent her a funny apology card to her house. She replied with a small 'thank you' but nothing more. Then she just started ignoring me completely for the next month. I thought after a while, she'd cool down, but last week she reactivated her Facebook again and unfriended me and my sister.

It's all so messy and heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't have sought advice int that way. I keep thinking about all the good times and all the things we've been through together, but all she thinks of now is the fact I'm a "betrayer", and it hurts to think all our memories are now tarnished.

Has anyone ever been unfriended like this before? Did you ever work things out?

OP, MN is like a vipers nest at times.

I have read this whole thread, and for those that think the OP isn't geniune that's your perogative, but I don't understand why some of you are so invested in it and don't just comment once and then move on?

To whoever said you can't write messages on skype, you're wrong. It might be the first time in your life you have been from how you write, so sit down as it might come as a shock.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong in venting to someone else in confidence - anyone here who says they've never vented about anyone else is a liar.

I don't think there's anything else you can do now except hope that further down the line she might forgive you. If not be very careful about what you write online in future.

I stand corrected, you can instant message on Skype.

However, if you ask what people think, they may come forth with opinions. This should not be confused with bitchyness and ganging up. To some of us, what you are saying seems to contain inconsistent details. For example, saying you do/don't have a sister is not a usual typo. Since we don't know you then that's all there is to go on.

I find it quite surprising when some OPs and posters suddenly get aggressive. If you want advice, calm down and talk. Otherwise, don't come on here.

nakedscientist I was quite rude in my post, sorry - I thought you had written something much more scathing. Genuinely shouldn't have written what I did

If everyone on the thread is saying the same thing, it isn't because we're in some sort of secret cabal.

Thank you so much HoldBackTheRain, I expected people like you to be on here. Practical advice that isn't just attacking me. Even if you aren't on my side and think what I did is unforgivable and you'd never ever speak badly of anyone you loved, don't be a d**k about it. I already know I did wrong. I don't need to justify or defend it. No one can beat me up more than myself. You call me childish for some of things I've said, yet that makes you just as bad for attacking a stranger when she's clearly vulnerable.

I never described her as so awful at all. I described some communication barriers we were having, yes. I said she was flaky, yes. Those aren't characteristics of a bad person; those are just someone's flaws that I was looking to understand better. I don't know anyone including myself that doesn't have loads of negative attributes that annoy people they love from time to time? I could talk for ages about her good qualities and the positive side of our friendship but that's not really relevant here. All I know is that I was looking for advice (in the wrong way) about some difficulties we were having. I described the issues I had with her and that was that.

It's not that what you did is so objectively unforgivable. It's the fact that you can't seem to grasp that it's done and can't be undone.

You HAVE had practical advice. Let it go and move on, and think about how you approach relationships and engage with people, because it's coming off as unhelpful and age-inappropriate.

Believe it or not, hearing that you come off as 'childish' on here is valuable feedback. It means you have some work to do on yourself.

It's hard, but I don't blame her for walking away from your friendship. Your feeling hurt but I bet she's feeling a hundred times worse.
I did have a friend unfriend me on Facebook before. We were really close, she's my dc's godmum but we'd drifted apart for years and didn't meet up anymore. I still cared about her though and loved seeing the updates of her family. I kept my last pregnancy a secret on a Facebook and only announced the birth. She unfriended me within 2 days of that announcement. It hurt, it hurt really bad and still does but I guess she has her own demons to deal with. And no we haven't reconnected either

I know itsacatastrophe, I've tried thinking about how hurt she must've felt reading that and I can't imagine. I don't mean to play the martyr or anything, I suppose I'm just trying to let my feelings out here rather than let it affect people in my real life because I am moving on and carrying on as normal, but every now and then it just gets to me a little. I wasn't overly shocked when she unfriended me because she's done it a lot in the past (not to me, to others) so it was only natural. It just stung a little because in today's terms that seems to signifiy "the end".

People keep telling me that I'm not grapsing the fact that it's over and I'm clinging on to her, but I'm not really. You wouldn't see me chasing after her or begging for apologies. I'm just trying to process it in my head so that I CAN move on, and I know everyone is saying that it is unforgivable but I guess I'm trying to learn how to forgive myself, because it's been eating away at me for a while.

Obviously your friend was rightly upset to hear you discussing her with another friend....I wonder how she would feel about being discussed by potentially thousands of strangers on mumsnet?

bigmac4me, you do realize that pretty much everyone in this forum is doing the same thing right?

There was a similar thread a while ago about someone who'd posted an analysis of a friend's personality on line because she wanted to find ways to be a better friend to her. The OP of that thread had used negative words like fickle etc too. Anyway, said friend found out and cut contact. I don't know if this was you OP or if this kind of thing is actually pretty common.

I feel about this as with the other thread, that your behaviour is intrusive and manipulative. Regardless of how well-intentioned you think you're being, it's manipulative and would leave me feeling creeped out and annoyed if it had been done to me. That's leaving aside the fact that your analysis of your friends personality includes unflattering and negative characteristics.

I'd leave this friend alone from now on. If she decides she can reconcile your behaviour with your status as a good friend, it's up to her. But don't try and force it. It will add insult to injury.

I was blocked by a male friend I thought was genuine. That really hurt because I find male friendships a struggle.

You treated her like shit and slagged her off behind her back. Why would you expect her to want anything to do with a sly snake?

bigmac4me, you do realize that pretty much everyone in this forum is doing the same thing right?

Oh right, okay. Not me, but point taken.

Holdbacktherain

No worries

"You treated her like shit and slagged her off behind her back. Why would you expect her to want anything to do with a sly snake?"

and you, yourself, sound lovely.

How did I treat her like shit? Throughout our entire friendship I've been there for her, I've helped her a lot and dropped everything to be there for her during hard times. If you're referring to me talking about her on Skype, then fine. Yes THAT was wrong. But that comment makes it sound like I've been a shit friend, when for years I have been a very good friend and I can say that with confidence. Yes, I turned out to be a backstabber if that's what you want to call it. But I will not let random strangers just throw insults at me like this when I doubt you're perfect yourself.

@ fittedwardrobe, yeah a few others have said there's been a few posts like this in the past. It wasn't me but I guess its not uncommon these days to find out people have been writing about you via the internet. There are enough outlets for it, that's for sure.

Some people have given you the practical advice you wanted. And you either haven't read or haven't registered it. I suggest you perhaps reread the thread once people have finished posting.

@Mummyoflittledragon, I have accepted and been grateful for the practical advice, but I'm not going to tolerate being called a "sly snake" from people who don't even know me just because I made a mistake. Calling someone words like that implies they are constantly out to get people on every corner and I find that insulting. People are shocked and appalled that I said some negative things about a friend to someone else, yet those same people are saying negative things to me - someone they do not know.

Ok great. Well I think you maybe should take a bit of a step back then. Because this type of post is going to be fodder for some angry people.

I don't claim to be perfect, but don't post details of your own utterly shitty behaviour and then try to play the victim.

@Mummoflittledragon yeah I'm starting to realize that. I don't know how what I've done makes other people like @iamavodkadrinker so angry...maybe what I did was "utterly shitty" but to be insulted by some seemingly alcoholic is a bit rich. It seems that when you confess your mistakes, people will think that gives them a right to take their own anger out on you and condemn you as being this "awful person" for seeking advice on something that I deeply regret. I'm not playing the victim, I'm simply standing up for myself and refusing to let you hold me to my mistakes. Unless, you've lived the life of a saint, I don't know how you can call someone a snake when you're talking on a forum where a million other people are bitching about their loved ones behind their backs. Yet because I confessed to this, I'm suddenly a target for your insults.

"Seemingly alcoholic."

Don't pretend you're anything other than a nasty piece of work.

Your friend has realised she's far better off without something like you in her life.