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Original poster

Unfriended on Facebook as an adult. More painful than I thought.

230 replies

user1492893618 · 23/04/2017 09:17

Last week I was "unfriended" by a woman I've been best friends with IRL for 8 years. We were very close and I loved her lots but our friendship wasn't without difficulty. She was a good-hearted, sensitive, cheeky and funny woman. We had that kind of friendship where we'd just be texting each other silly things all day...but I soon learned she had this kind of "yo-yo" personality. One minute she'd be her normal, happy self; then at some point she'd switch and become distant. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of her at all, any plans we made would become cancelled and I just felt pushed away.

It was clear she was fighting her own demons. When she was unhappy, communication would become poor and she'd just send these moody one-word texts or she'd backhandedly write something online, rather than confront the situation. I can't say I'm perfect either. I've always been rather anxious and wanted to keep the peace, but I think she felt like I was being intrusive. The more she'd shut me out, the more I pushed for a conversation and I guess I seemed clingy at times.

So I did something stupid. I confided in another friend (not someone she knows, but a long-distance friend who works as a counselor). I basically just wanted advice about my friend's "on/offness". It was supposed to be a private conversation on Skype, but like the total idiot that I am, I accidentally added my friend into the chat. She saw the whole thing and I was devastated. Even though I wasn't outright trash-talking, I was still discussing her behaviour in a fairly invasive way, saying things like "she tends to deal with her problems passive-aggressively, she's fickle, she's very flaky" etc. I didn't even name her, but but she guessed it was about her. She must have felt so violated.

She reacted by posting a string of angry statuses about betrayal and backstabbing on Facebook, then shortly after she deleted her account. I felt unbelievably guilty. She wouldn't answer the phone so I sent this very lengthy apologetic letter via email saying how sorry I was for hurting her and trying to explain myself. She replied saying that I didn't understand her at all and she wouldn't be able to trust me again. A week later, I still felt terrible. It was only last week she'd been so kind to me and cooked me dinner when I was feeling upset. I sent her a funny apology card to her house. She replied with a small 'thank you' but nothing more. Then she just started ignoring me completely for the next month. I thought after a while, she'd cool down, but last week she reactivated her Facebook again and unfriended me and my sister.

It's all so messy and heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't have sought advice int that way. I keep thinking about all the good times and all the things we've been through together, but all she thinks of now is the fact I'm a "betrayer", and it hurts to think all our memories are now tarnished.

Has anyone ever been unfriended like this before? Did you ever work things out?

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 23/04/2017 09:59

You've done all you can to make amends and repair the hurt you caused. I'm not going to castigate you as you were hurt by her behaviour. But she has the right not to be friends with you anymore/to reevaluate the friendship. So let it be. And learn from it - it's all you can do. It's painful when we fuck up so at least let there be some good that comes from it.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/04/2017 10:01

I don't understand how you accidentally added her either tbh!

chickenowner · 23/04/2017 10:02

I also think you need to leave her alone now. She may come round in the future but I suspect she probably won't.

If I was your friend I think I would be utterly devastated and humiliated.

You have apologized, now withdraw.

Original poster
user1492893618 · 23/04/2017 10:04

Sorry, I haven't posted this before? This only happened a few weeks ago and I've only plucked up the courage to speak about it now.

I don't understand how anyone could think I would add her to the conversation on purpose. I would have never purposely wanted to hurt her. It was just unlucky ( I don't even remember how, it was all a horrible blur).

I know it was wrong and I know how hurt she must've felt. It was written from a place of hurt though, because there had been so many times in the past where she'd written some passive status about me for everyone to see

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 10:06

Yes it happened to me. This was pre Facebook. But these people weren't my friends. I was never really accepted. My dh was friends with them all. And he met them through work after we met so it wasn't a case of non acceptance of his former friends. They wanted him for themselves and one or other of the women would gladly have taken him so I was seen as a rival from the start. When it kicked off he basically had to do a them or me and he really struggled to drop them in favour of me because it was his entire friendship group of perhaps 10 people.

They'd been taking the piss out of me for years and the nicer, more capable and more generous i was, the more they disliked me and the more they disrespected me. And dh let it happen because he enjoyed being the big I am in the big house with amazing parties. One day I vented my spleen to one of them, who lived about an hour away and had regularly been coming to our house, sometimes "popping by" and we'd dropped everything, offered feasts. Never occurred to me they should put their hands in their pockets. I costed it up and we had literally spent over a grand just entertaining her over the years and in turn she and the friends never thanked us or brought a gift, flicked ash on the living room (tiled) floor and spilled drinks and generally disrespected our home. And I saw red when she offered me a poxy £1 for the return trip of the dartford tunnel - we were rooting around for a coin and found one so she gave me the other one to keep Angry. They'd come to the uk for free in our car (again). Never offered the first time or this time to pay half the fuel/toll/shuttle charges from France.

As I say, I vented my spleen to her when it should have been to my dh about her and their piss taking. My mail wasn't rude. I was angry and I hurt. And I got an abusive eff off mail from the hyena queen - ie the woman in charge. All in all it was the best thing ever ever ever for me. But it was painful at the time because dh was hurt and not very good at separating himself from them.

This woman wasn't doing much for your self esteem. Her messages were confusing and her communications was often hurtful. Find some less complicated friends and given time, you may come to realise this isn't such a bad thing. Perhaps your subconscious in adding her to the conversation was telling you it's time to focus on you and look after you. So take the message. And do what you have to do to heal the pain. The gap she's left will leave space for a friend, who doesn't hurt you so much. This time you will be wiser for your experience.

Only1scoop · 23/04/2017 10:08

You've apologised and she graciously sent a 'thank you' for the card.
It's good she's reactivated her account I guess, but why on earth would she want you as a friend on there?
I'd just accept and move on.

KRG13 · 23/04/2017 10:09

This again?

Last time it was writing things about her online somewhere or something

Anamnua · 23/04/2017 10:09

Its painful when relationships come to an end like that but I do wonder if on some level you wanted her to know how her behaviour impacted you. Be kind to yourself - and let it go

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 23/04/2017 10:10

I don't think a passive aggressive status on fb is in the same league to be honest. You've hurt her, give her space.

BeMorePanda · 23/04/2017 10:11

You've cooked that goose op, you've apologised. Copying her in on Skype was a spectacular error and I expect you will cringe about that forever

Accept this person feels very betrayed by you and there is no going back now. You need to move on.

Giddyaunt18 · 23/04/2017 10:11

this sounds familiar. and odd, how do you add someone by mistake on Skype?
When I sent a text about someone to that someone it was a split second thing. I think your brain misfires somehow and presses the wrong button because you are thinking about that person and then it's too late!

Cricrichan · 23/04/2017 10:11

We all have our faults but it must have been painful for her to read this conversation. I also don't understand how you accidentally added her to the conversation and how you didn't notice that you had?

FrogsLegs31 · 23/04/2017 10:13

The last time this scenario was posted it was about her having posted online and the friend found out it was about her.
Almost identical "drifting in and out" going quiet and being moody at times

Cricrichan · 23/04/2017 10:13

Giddyaunt - i have tagged and texted by mistake, though it's harder with today's smartphones, much easier in the past. But you have to click on the side menu, then select add participant and then search for the participant's name, to add to the conversation on Skype. It's not an easy slight of the hand or brain.

OnionKnight · 23/04/2017 10:13

Adding someone by accident to a Skype conversation is a lot harder to do than sending a text to someone by accident.

GloriaGilbert · 23/04/2017 10:13

How terrible for both of you.

I think you should be at peace with the fact that you've apologised and done what you can. She may send you a text someday when she's had more time.

Original poster
user1492893618 · 23/04/2017 10:14

I'm not sure why people keep saying I've written this again?? It's literally only just happened.

And yeah a lot of people keep saying that...it was an act of fate to let her know how I feel etc. But I cannot defend myself at all. All I know is that I had built up frustration that I released in the wrong way. After every time she ditched our plans or wrote something about me online or pushed me away, I just needed to vent, I'm sorry. I found it very hard to talk to her so I needed someone who'd listen. I'm sure a lot of you have vented about someone you cared for before, but maybe I'm wrong. I can't forgive myself, that's for sure.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 23/04/2017 10:15

I think you are going to have to accept this friendship is dead. Sorry.

Giddyaunt18 · 23/04/2017 10:16

Did you have a group chat with the other 2 people in the past and selected that instead of a 1:1 conversation?

ddssdd · 23/04/2017 10:17

seminormal, I thought I'd read about this too, just slight variants.

Very unlucky, OP, if you'd managedd to reacquaint with friend after 'psychology' evaluation and then subject her to this too? Grin

I'm hoping they are two separate posts by different posters. Otherwise, friendship would be truly over.

ddssdd · 23/04/2017 10:18

managed*

Original poster
user1492893618 · 23/04/2017 10:18

I think the "add people" button is a big round thing in the top right of the chat box and then there was a drop down list of names and hers was the first...I was probably planning to send an image or something and clicked the wrong button. I'm just clumsy like that. It wasn't a thought out thing AT ALL, I can swear I would have never done that on purpose. And I never mentioned her name either. This person did not know who I was talking about. The friend just worked it out. Please don't think I purposely did this.

OP posts:
GolderAndWiser · 23/04/2017 10:19

This did remind me of something where a woman posted on a forum about her friend's miers briggs type, and an unpleasant character assassination came out of that. There's no wrong MBPT so that OP was being an armchair psychologist and she was busted horribly..

This does not sound like the same OP to me but I can see why it's ringing bells for people who half remember the details of the last thread.

OP I would sincerely apologise ONCE and then just give the woman a lot of space. Either she will come to question the things you've said such as her being flaky or passive aggressive, or she will continue to feel like it's an unfair attack (and a betrayal!)

ddssdd · 23/04/2017 10:21

No, OP, you days nothing wrong in confiding in a friend. Where you went wrong was adding the friend in the mix. I just don't understand how that happened Confused

ddssdd · 23/04/2017 10:22

Sorry, just read your reply to my question.