Unfriended on Facebook as an adult. More painful than I thought.

[user1492893618]

Last week I was "unfriended" by a woman I've been best friends with IRL for 8 years. We were very close and I loved her lots but our friendship wasn't without difficulty. She was a good-hearted, sensitive, cheeky and funny woman. We had that kind of friendship where we'd just be texting each other silly things all day...but I soon learned she had this kind of "yo-yo" personality. One minute she'd be her normal, happy self; then at some point she'd switch and become distant. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of her at all, any plans we made would become cancelled and I just felt pushed away.

It was clear she was fighting her own demons. When she was unhappy, communication would become poor and she'd just send these moody one-word texts or she'd backhandedly write something online, rather than confront the situation. I can't say I'm perfect either. I've always been rather anxious and wanted to keep the peace, but I think she felt like I was being intrusive. The more she'd shut me out, the more I pushed for a conversation and I guess I seemed clingy at times.

So I did something stupid. I confided in another friend (not someone she knows, but a long-distance friend who works as a counselor). I basically just wanted advice about my friend's "on/offness". It was supposed to be a private conversation on Skype, but like the total idiot that I am, I accidentally added my friend into the chat. She saw the whole thing and I was devastated. Even though I wasn't outright trash-talking, I was still discussing her behaviour in a fairly invasive way, saying things like "she tends to deal with her problems passive-aggressively, she's fickle, she's very flaky" etc. I didn't even name her, but but she guessed it was about her. She must have felt so violated.

She reacted by posting a string of angry statuses about betrayal and backstabbing on Facebook, then shortly after she deleted her account. I felt unbelievably guilty. She wouldn't answer the phone so I sent this very lengthy apologetic letter via email saying how sorry I was for hurting her and trying to explain myself. She replied saying that I didn't understand her at all and she wouldn't be able to trust me again. A week later, I still felt terrible. It was only last week she'd been so kind to me and cooked me dinner when I was feeling upset. I sent her a funny apology card to her house. She replied with a small 'thank you' but nothing more. Then she just started ignoring me completely for the next month. I thought after a while, she'd cool down, but last week she reactivated her Facebook again and unfriended me and my sister.

It's all so messy and heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't have sought advice int that way. I keep thinking about all the good times and all the things we've been through together, but all she thinks of now is the fact I'm a "betrayer", and it hurts to think all our memories are now tarnished.

Has anyone ever been unfriended like this before? Did you ever work things out?

OP, I think you could say that you felt let down but that it was an awful blunder to subject her to a written analysis of your thoughts on the matter. And then back away and just try to forget about it.

If I read somebody saying I was passive aggressive I would not want the friendship to continue.

No honestly, it's the same story that's been posted on here in the last few months- the friend who is full on then flaky, posts backhanded stuff online etc.
The only thing that changes is the way the friend 'discovers' what the OP has written or said about her.

Anyway if it's not you OP, take comfort from the fact that you're not the only one?

You made a mistake, that cost you what was left of the friendship, even before then it was going down the pan. Leave it be now, and move on. It looks like she needs to get professional help, and to sort out her life.

If I'd found myself in the same position as your former friend I'd feel the same way as her and cut you out.

As said above you have to let this go and accept the friendship is over.

I'm gathering you've had a few "I just added my friend to the conversation" posts in the past, with the amount of people saying I'm a multiple poster?

You keep downplaying it by telling us how she had always been slagging you off online. So she slags you off online, you slag her off in private. Sounds as though this friendship has been over for a long time. You can genuinely like and admire and feel for someone and still not be suited to being friends.

And watch your To box in future. Have to say I also find it odd that you made such an 'error', especially as you both sound a bit PA.

Leave it. Time may heal but I imagine it will take a very long time.

KRG13 how can you say ''no honestly it's the same story''.

The basic premise that somebody reads something about themself that they weren't intended to read is so incredibly common. I've stuffed up there myself. Once I thought I was in a private closed group but it was only a private group so when I typed a woman's name (giving out about her) it tagged her to what I'd written about her, in a private group. Only later learned the difference between a closed group and a private closed group.

So the basic crux of this is two a penny stuff. Happens every day of the week.

Plenty of details differ in this story so it's kind of delusional to announce ''no honestly it's the same*

How can you ever know that for certain!?

Not only did you give her a character assassination right in front of her eyes, but to rub salts into the wound you sought to get advice on all her faults specifically from a friend because they were a professional counsellor.

If I was your friend I would forgive you when I calmed down and wasn't angry with you any more, which would be around 2040!

Sorry you need to accept you have destroyed this friendship permanently and learn the lesson that you don't talk about your friends like that behind their back, regardless of whether you believe it is a private conversation or not.

I mean, I thought what I did was terrible but hearing you all agree and tell me you would never forgive me really hurts to hear. I just can't even express how sorry I am. Honestly, at the time I thought it was okay to confide in a third party in what I thought was a private setting. I guess I've learned that it's wrong to vent your feelings to anybody. I should've just accepted this was who she was and not tried to get more information

What you told us about her strongly suggests that she has been struggling with MH issues for a long time.

To read the kind of character assassination you put up would have been absolutely devastating even for a healthy person, for somebody battling long term serious illness, I can imagine it is very, very bad for her. I don't see how she could ever forget that this is what you really think about her in your heart of hearts and learn to trust you again. If she were my friend, I would advise her to think of her own wellbeing and distance herself from you.

Sorry, I know this doesn't help you, OP. I know you didn't mean it and are sad and would like to undo it all. I know this was a difficult friendship. But this woman, by the sounds of it, is ill. However little you intended to do it, it is similar to kicking somebody with a broken leg- however accidental, however much you apologised, the damage is still done; you can't expect them to walk on that broken leg just to make you feel better.

Because it's the same story

Yes, op, there have been a few similar posts.

Did you ever speak to her at any time about how her behaviour was upsetting you? If not (which isn't an easy thing to do), then do you think your revelations were a complete shock to her?

OP there was a thread a while ago where a poster and her sister posted something about a friend of theirs on a forum. It was about the friend's miers briggs personality type and they went through all of this 'friends' personality attributes and related them in their clumsy way to her MBPT. Somebody saw what they'd written and forwarded the liink to the poor woman.

I get that it's similar, as in, one of the oldest stories in the book, a friend hears/reads something about themselves that they were never intended to hear / read, but surely this is not so rare that mumsnetters can announce with certainty ''no honestly this is the same poster''.

I mean, I thought what I did was terrible but hearing you all agree and tell me you would never forgive me really hurts to hear. I just can't even express how sorry I am. Honestly, at the time I thought it was okay to confide in a third party in what I thought was a private setting. I guess I've learned that it's wrong to vent your feelings to anybody. I should've just accepted this was who she was and not tried to get more information

This PA, martyred post really irritates me and makes me want to ask your friend what else happened before the infamous Mistaken Message. It also makes me wonder what you actually intended to hear from us when you posted.

You say yourself she'd been hurting your feelings for a long time and that's why you wanted to complain about her "privately". That's all fine, but does it sound like a friendship with legs to you?

Golder that's not one of the threads I've seen

I think you've posted this before too - last time and the time before it was some Myers Briggs personality thing - you had discussed her on a site to do with that?

Whatever, you've blown it, you'll have to move on.

It's not about being friends with her again (as much as I'd like to be). I just wanted to know if there's any way I can remove some of the damage I caused and make her feel better about herself. If that means leaving her alone from now going forward, I'll do it. At first, I just wanted to show her how much I cared so I sent her the card and a gift voucher for her favourite treat store and wrote a message in it explaining how much I admired her. I'm guessing that was too much? So if the majority are telling me to leave her be, I'll do it. I'm not going to harass her for my benefit. I know most of you think I'm horrible for what I did, but I do care about her more than you'll ever believe.

Out of nosiness curiosity, what did your counsellor mate say/suggest in the conversation?

The last thread I remember was about this was a woman, who was studying psychology or training to be a counsellor and posted on an open forum describing someone she knew with x personality traits. The friend read it, worked it out and went NC. Different scenario.

I don't think anyone has said you are horrible, op. But I think it would take a lot for anyone to forgive hearing anything about themselves, that they were not meant to hear, unless it was positive stuff.

I know most of you think I'm horrible for what I did, but I do care about her more than you'll ever believe.

This self pitying, PA tone again. Nobody has said you are an awful person. They've simply answered your question by saying that, had it happened to them, they probably would not be able to salvage the friendship (such as it was) going forward and you may need to accept that. That's all.

I'm starting to get the impression that there's some part of you that enjoys this PA form of self flagellation.

There is nothing you can say or do. Leave her alone now. The stuff you need to do is to work on you and look after you as I said upthread. You have to accept her decision otherwise you're not accepting her boundaries and decisions. She sounds mentally unwell or possibly suffering from Bipolar. I'm no expert though. She has a very on/off view of the world being mega communicative at times then hiding from the world the next. You won't get anything from her unless she wants to come to you.

If you had such strong feelings you should have either dealt with them with your friend or cool down the friendship a bit. Of course you can vent your feelings to other people, but you cannot character assassinate friends to a third party and expect them to remain friends, the trust is gone.

ddssdd I did talk to her about it before, but it was difficult at times because at the first hint of conflict she tended to avoid me and make excuses when I asked to see her in person. When I did see her, I asked her why she'd been avoiding me for so long and she just shrugged and say she didn't know. She tended to delete a lot of the posts she wrote online as well, so by the time it got round to mentioning them I couldn't find them or remember what they'd said.