Open relationship - worth asking?

[undercoveragent]

Name changed obviously.
Bit of background - married for 25 years. Don't want a divorce until the youngest is an adult as dh is a good friend and father. No tension between us - even a fly on the wall would not suspect that I ultimately want out.
We've not had sex for 2-3 years now. My doing. I haven't fancied him for a long time now - maybe 10 years and he got fed up, understandably, with my lack of responsiveness My libido is sky high though.
I would really like an open relationship. I think we could both benefit. Selfishly, I know I would.
Has anyone done this? How did it come about? How did you ask (if it was you that asked). What was the reaction? Did you go ahead? How has it worked out? Any men had their dw ask them, how did you feel to be asked?
So many questions.

but that the OP is trying to find a way to make it work for the DC

See, that's where my reading of the thread and yours depart. I don't think it really is for the DCs benefit.

nauticant, she says she'd happily live alone, finances are not an issue - but that the children would definitely be less happy if she and DH split.

Smeaton, I don't understand why expressing your own needs in a relationship necessary means you have no regard for your partners?

The double standards here are astounding.

Absolutely agree sarasue. This level of utter disrespect for a partner would never be tolerated if the poster was male

No big mistake!.

My MIL tried this and it ended in total utter destruction of respect. Between her and her 'children'.
Work on the relationship you've got, or go your separate ways.
It will only end in tears.

It's like you're doing this for your own sake. You want to go out and shag other men, but want to come home to a family and pretend everything is normal and happy.

I don't think you're doing this for the kids, they would be much happier growing up knowing mum and dad tried, but did the right thing by not staying together just because they felt they had to. My mum and dad were never even married, I've never lived with both of them together, and have always visited my dads... because they knew they were better off separated, rather than going along with the family unit for my sake. It seriously didn't bother me that my mum and dad were never together after I was born, I know it was the right thing for them.

I think you really need to talk to your husband and see how he thinks the relationship is going. You might work well and as a 'team' and nothing is stopping you from still talking/getting along with each other as friends. This just really doesn't seem fair on him. You're stringing him along.

We are on holiday. We have been discussing our relationship over a bottle of wine these last few evenings. He has, amongst other things, suggested we could consider an open relationship .....

Sounds like you've got your perfect situation there.

It also sounds like he feels similar to you in that he would like to have sex but doesn't want to leave the team or household. I think it is morally okay to try it, as long as you let him find a partner before you meet up with anybody you've already got in mind.

Now make sure you set some good ground rules that you both agree on.

Good luck :)

Good to hear the update op, i hope you both agree an arrangement to suit you both. No judgement from me. Enjoy your holiday.

It works for some people.
Hopefully you can get rules and boundaries in place and move forward as it appears to be something you both may want.
I hope it all works out.

I think you are being incredibly selfish op.

Your husband sounds like a good man and you are not being fair to him.

This relationship will fail. How can it survive? it is not an "open relationship", it is one or two people shagging other people.

Op may not care if her DH has sex with others, but at some point her DH will mind. One of two things will happen, the DH will realise he is being taken for a mug and divorce, or DH will meet someone nice and divorce. Thankfully the future looks bright for the DH.

It's a win win.

Aslong as you both want an open relationship and sex with other people - go for it.

Why are some people so judgemental. I quite like the idea of this and would be open to it myself. Hope it works out for you!

I agree that in your idealised, ribbon 🎀 wrapped , perfectly perceived open relationship your children WOULD be happier than if you divorced.

Life rarely runs to plan when human emotions are involved. Life can and often does go tits up when human emotions are involved

In an horrendous open relationship your children would suffer dreadfully and would be horribly embarrassed imo.

Try not to be naive about this.

Tell him the truth, give him the opportunity to also make decisions based on the truth. All this, asking what he thinks etc, Is all about you and for you two supposedly being a good team, there's a lot of deceit going on.

I'm guessing the only reason you haven't 'asked' is because you want to retain control and are afraid that if he knew the unedited truth, he might decide that immediate divorce is an option for him.

OP you're not being fair on your H because essentially you're stringing him along until it's no longer convenient for you to do so (and no 'staying for the kids' doesn't doesn't justify stringing someone along). What would you think of a man who didn't want sex with his wife but with other women and who intended to leave in the near future but for now, it wasn't convenient. I'd think he was a selfish arse who had nothing but contempt for his wife.

You need to have a lot of talks about the ground rules, and you're going to need to keep revisiting those ground rules and adjusting them as necessary.

It will take about 2-3 years before you settle into an arrangement which suits both of you, IME of poly/open relationships. So be prepared for a lot of upheaval in the short term. The payoff is you hopefully ensure your marriage survives into old age.

If you're basically wanting to find a way to keep going through the next X yrs til the kids leave home, then I'd rethink.

Oh and both of you should read The Ethical Slut - good place to start.

SandyY2K
It's a win win

Sandy does ring true to you?

Basically you're asking permission to cheat. You're not being very fair to his feelings, if it was the other way round and you didn't turn him on any more and he approached you with that suggestion you'd be hurt surely?
You married that man, and unfortunately you not being attracted to him is your problem. I mean unless he has suddenly changed. Gained lots of weight, stopped washing etc, those things may justify your lack of want for him. But if it simply is just you then you're being unfair. Separate but remain friends, surely that's better. If my mother told me she was going to stay for my benefit but bonk other blokes I'd say - dirty git - don't use ME as the excuse.

It sounds like you have a very good marriage, you're all happy apart from your sex life. I'd think very hard before throwing that all away. Good men are hard to find. You must have been attracted to him at some point. I would try talking to him and seeking some sort of counselling to help you both reconnect sexually. This could ultimately just be a difficult patch in a good marriage. Good luck OP

Fucking grim. Just let the guy go if sex is so important to you

OP is he open to your suggestion in a bid to keep you any way he can, or because he's curious about sleeping with other people too?
If the former I agree with ilovechoc that
Work on the relationship you've got, or go your separate ways.

If you are 100% sure you want to leave him then you absolutely should, for his sake. But it sounds like you have a lot to stay for.