Open relationship - worth asking?

[undercoveragent]

Name changed obviously.
Bit of background - married for 25 years. Don't want a divorce until the youngest is an adult as dh is a good friend and father. No tension between us - even a fly on the wall would not suspect that I ultimately want out.
We've not had sex for 2-3 years now. My doing. I haven't fancied him for a long time now - maybe 10 years and he got fed up, understandably, with my lack of responsiveness My libido is sky high though.
I would really like an open relationship. I think we could both benefit. Selfishly, I know I would.
Has anyone done this? How did it come about? How did you ask (if it was you that asked). What was the reaction? Did you go ahead? How has it worked out? Any men had their dw ask them, how did you feel to be asked?
So many questions.

You know that fly on the wall?
Yeah, it would know this was a failing relationship.
No sex is almost always a sign of that - and there's no point in arguing against that in your case, because you want to divorce him!

That's my issue with your proposal - you don't want an open relationship. You want to end your marriage. But you want the good stuff that goes with it, so you don't want to end it just yet

Is there a chance that your husband will agree to something he hates, in order not to break up the kids home? Pretty nasty (abusive?) to put him through that.

By all means propose it. But only if you are totally honest. You need to tell him you want the family for the kids and the lifestyle - but not him.

You get one shot at life and I think you're being really selfish to your husband. Sounds to me more that you don't want to be a single parent. No if you and your husband are living together as a couple and raising the children you shouldn't be hopping into bed with every tom dick and harry and just because you want to be with other men don't push your husband into having an affair with another man! A lot of people would kill for a man or wife that don't cheat and there you are wishing him to cheat on you. You don't want him tell the man and let him move on and rebuild his life.

Talk to him!

And how do you imagine this open relationship scenario? Would you bring your new boyfriend to the house and introduce him to your husband and the children too? What if your husband did the same with a new girlfriend? After a while it would be unavoidable to introduce a new relationship into the already existing one. Do you think the children would benefit from this set up? Do you honestly think it's better for them than a divorce? This open relationship is something in your head but how would you cope with the reality of it?

I feel so sorry for your dh, first he's condemned to live in a sexless marriage but now you want to look for sex outside the marriage to satisfy your needs!!
Set him free ffs, let him find a loving partner who fancies the pants off him and you are then free to move on with your life.
Believe me your dc will not thank you for waiting until they're older to separate, the people I know who have been most destroyed by their parents splitting, up are the ones who were adults.

"You basically want to waste the next several years of his life on you whilst you shag around? All the time waiting for the perfect time to divorce and leave his life in tatters."

He might not want divorce either. Divorce isn't some magical clean break where you both live in comfortable homes with healthy finances. He might prefer the idea of looking away at his wife's new friends if the alternative is to sit in a one-bedroom flat above a chippy, seeing his children for a couple of hours every other Saturday.

The best thing to do here might be to talk about the lack of sex and what you both think about it. If he has deliberately become 'not fanciable' - bad breath, poor hygiene, stopped caring, I don't know - maybe he'll try harder. Maybe it could be rekindled.

Why has he not instigated divorce? Why is he ok with your current situation?

He might prefer the idea of looking away at his wife's new friends if the alternative is to sit in a one-bedroom flat above a chippy, seeing his children for a couple of hours every other Saturday.

Why would that happen?

He might not want divorce either. Divorce isn't some magical clean break where you both live in comfortable homes with healthy finances. He might prefer the idea of looking away at his wife's new friends if the alternative is to sit in a one-bedroom flat above a chippy, seeing his children for a couple of hours every other Saturday.

This is exactly why my DH prefers that we stay together, even though we're 5 years into a sex less marriage. We both hate the thought of destabilising and impoverishing DD, and it seems so needless when we both get on so well.

By the sounds of it, I am in a very similar situation to you, OP. I'd also be delighted if DH took a lover - don't see why he should go on for years and years without sexual enjoyment just because we've turned out to be sadly incompatible in that regard. A few years ago, I suggested that we both look outside the marriage for sexual enjoyment, but he really didn't like the idea - said that it wouldn't suit him because sex = love in his book. We left the question open, but I'm 99% sure he's never played away before or since.

As for my part, I have a high sex drive and am really struggling to cope. At the moment I cant afford to leave so am trying to concentrate on building towards a career that would enable me to live independently and support DD. Maybe if I get involved in a satisfying career, sex will seem less important and I'll be able to go on with DH indefinitely. We've been in counselling and talked lots about separating, but neither of us are prepared to pull the trigger yet. Coping without sex is hard for me, but I find that the more day-to-day happiness and meaning I can build into my life (friends, hobbies, volunteering, etc) the easier it is.

Good luck, OP. I think you've had an unduly hard time on here from other posters. It sounds as though you're trying to be very honest and upfront with your DH.

RawPotatoes she doesn't sound honest at all!
I'm sorry for your situation, and very impressed by your honesty with your husband.
OP should learn from you.

The OP also said she wants out "fairly soon" but is undecided about telling her husband this.

If it's fairly soon, then grow up and wait for a sex life, rather than (possibly) push your husband into accepting you cheating on him.

Thanks, Ellisandra, but I really don't want to present myself as some kind of paragon of virtue. Living with sex and emotional intimacy is hard and - to my shame - I have crossed various lines in the past, even if I am determined not to do so again.

Anyway, don't mean to thread hijack... Just came on to say that I do feel rather sorry for the OP.

I don't think this is a good idea.

I think Open Relationships can work. I know several people in polyamorous relationships. I only have non-exclusive relationships myself.

But "opening up" an established monogamous relationship is a lot harder than dealing with a relationship that has been open from the start.

Opening up an unhappy marriage? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Go on the forums on Fabswingers. Get the advice from people who are living that particular lifestyle. I am sure they will tell you that it only works if (a) both parties are fully onboard and (b) your relationship is rock solid.

even the suggestion would have me showing them the door

A man asking to ladies here, My wife fall in love with other guy we have two beautiful kids 10-7yrs I begged the man to leave us he promised he will cut his relation with my wife, and he let me down I love my family I love my kids cant leave them, my wife says we can file separation “ shamefully adultery” I even gave her chance but it does not work. I am totally stuck with kids, that man is a head of maths teacher, wondering where are the ethic religious & moral of society is gone! cant imagine my life without kids (it’s that moment when ever they feel like to jump on me hug me play with me) I cant do weekend visit or a day with kids. I am so devastated don’t know what to do cant even talk to my friends about this situation.

My wife suggest to stay together untill kids grow up ( she is testing him cant control her self ) just wondering is it going to work ? if I stay for kids or shall I leave? Trust me I tried to go stay out for couple of nights but that was killing me I cant live without kids what shall I do

As my marriage has just broken down thru finding out about my DH affair, I would say that an open marriage in your circumstance would not work. Mainly for the reasons that lots have stated, that actually you don't fancy your husband you just want to have your cake and eat it and absolve your guilt by telling him and allowing him to have affairs too. Basically its not an open relationship you're asking for it his permission to go and have an affair until you find your next partner and have a reason to leave him and someone to leave for. I think you need to have a long think about what you really want and be honest with him. Good luck.

Thank you again. You are giving me plenty to think about and process.
Finances would be fine if we divorced - it's not an issue in wanting to stay together.
I stopped fancying him subsequent to an event where I felt hugely let down by him - betrayed even. And when I told him how I felt he didn't really understand or support me in a way forward.
I also now notice all the little things which have to be done his way. I just get on with it. They're little things. Not important enough to get stressed about but doesn't help me to love him.
No he doesn't know I don't fancy him although I would think he must guess. He thinks lack of sex is for another reason. Im sure he would want it still but he won't make the first move because he knows I don't - and I do give him a lot of credit for not pressurising me.
I wouldn't envisage any affairs being visible. We both go out a lot so would be fairly easy to hide them I think. I wouldn't mind knowing if he'd found someone, I'd be happy for him, but I don't want dc or anyone we know to know. I'd envisage finding like minded people online.
Yes someone has shown an interest in real life. I have no intention of reciprocating because that would be a disaster so no I don't have anyone in mind though it has kind of sharpened my focus.
I agree, on reading your posts, that to just ask would be cruel and not what I want to do to him. I'm not good at talking but maybe I should just start with a discussion about where he sees our relationship now and a few years down the line.
I'm still not convinved the dc would be better with us divorced now It's a lot of upheaval considering they have no clue that I don't love him and we have such good times together. But at the same time, it is going to happen at some point. I have already thought this bit through quite a lot and I just want my independence back. Happy to grow old by myself etc.
Apologies if I've missed answering any questions. I'm on my phone so it's been a bit awkward scrolling up and down.
And thank you for all the replies. I expected the harsh ones and I need to hear it.

I have no plans to leave him for anyone else. I want to leave for independence. And some sex every now and then.

I too think you need to leave him. If you don't and carry on as initial suggested, that makes you quite an awful person. I feel for your DH. Poor man

I asked my DH of 20 years for an open relationship last week. He said he'd rather split up. We agreed to discuss it again this week and we did. Just before the conversation I realised that what I wanted wasn't an open relationship but, like you, to be independent and not in a relationship at all. So I ended up telling him I wanted to end the relationship.
It might be worth having the conversation just so you figure out what it is you both really want x

So you now want an open relationship since someone showed interest?

Just divorce him. There is no way you can guarantee that no one will ever know or see either of you out with someone else. Or that neither of you will start having feelings for a person you are seeing.

You are planning on leaving anyway, are you going to tell him that aswell.

You basically want to sleep around until you decide its the right time to leave. Thats not the basis for a good open relationship.

OP, this was the point where I ended my marriage. I have never regretted that (even though I went on to have an abusive relationship), not least because it means that my ex husband and I still get to have a great relationship. He also now has a wonderful new wife, who has become a reliable friend of mine too. Our son considers himself lucky to have two caring families.

It was initially horrible to split up for no real reason except 'I cannot bear to have sex with you', but in the end, honesty was the best for all of us.

Or we could have stayed together, with at least one of us having sex elsewhere? And the consequent effect/strain on the relationship and thus our kid? Thus denying him his happy childhood? Why do that?

The most concerning thing is, from the sounds of it you are not looking for anything long term, just someone to shag every so often, does this mean not necessarily the same someone? Sorry if I've missed I've missed it but how old are your kids? I would be most concerned at what sort of message this sends to them about healthy relationships

You say there's no tension between you yet this loss of desire and love was triggered by some event which has caused you massive resentment? Those two statements really don't stack up.

You are in denial that this is a happy relationship in all areas except sex. It sounds as if it's over.

Everybody will tell you the same thing here which is man up and tell him you want to leave. Be honest and do the right thing. It will give both of you a chance to start again with someone else. It is a basic human desire to feel attraction to someone and have sex with them and neither of you have been getting it for years. And this but we are such a good team bollox is just an excuse from moving forward because honestly, both of you are stuck in the rut big time and suffering in silence. If you are such a good team and good friends how come you are so bad with communication and honesty? Because all that you have written here you should have told him in his face.