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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Open relationship - worth asking?

103 replies

undercoveragent · 21/04/2017 23:42

Name changed obviously.
Bit of background - married for 25 years. Don't want a divorce until the youngest is an adult as dh is a good friend and father. No tension between us - even a fly on the wall would not suspect that I ultimately want out.
We've not had sex for 2-3 years now. My doing. I haven't fancied him for a long time now - maybe 10 years and he got fed up, understandably, with my lack of responsiveness Blush My libido is sky high though.
I would really like an open relationship. I think we could both benefit. Selfishly, I know I would.
Has anyone done this? How did it come about? How did you ask (if it was you that asked). What was the reaction? Did you go ahead? How has it worked out? Any men had their dw ask them, how did you feel to be asked?
So many questions.

OP posts:
User75478973479 · 22/04/2017 21:32

The OP was looking for advice from people with experience of this, not a load of ramdom comments from people with no experience. I'm not sure why you feel the need to comment at all if you have no experience in this area.

Threes3 · 22/04/2017 21:43

My wife and I have had a discussion about this but around the "would you prefer to stay together and see other people or split up" when watching a programme that touched on the idea.

We are great friends and have nice lives but never really had a fantastic sexual chemistry. Sex maybe 4 times in last 18 months. Perhaps 25 times in last 6 years.

So far it's not gone further than that but I wouldn't mind us opening up our relationship. Not sure she would agree though although she didn't say that when we talked about it.

I can empathise OP!

KateDaniels2 · 22/04/2017 22:14

Who says we have no experience?

SparklyMagpie · 23/04/2017 18:34

User75478973479 tell us your experience then...

Ilovespringandchocolate · 23/04/2017 19:15

I really don't get why you just don't divorce, stay friends and each go and do what you want with whomever.

Much less traumatising/ embarrassing for your children than an open relationship. Divorce is so commonplace now, I don't get why people are so reluctant to do it. So long as you can still provide a stable and loving home/s for your children, what's the problem?!

Original poster
undercoveragent · 24/04/2017 01:42

I'm reluctant to divorce because I'm 100% certain the children would be less happy if we did.
We are a good team. I certainly feel I'm suffering a bit (I think I'm on a very similar page to @RawPotatoes ). Dh is possibly/probably suffering too and for that reason I must talk to him about the situation.
Yes @FallingApartFast - you are probably right - I want independence more than an open relationship. I have recently been getting more of that within the relationship but it still doesn't seem enough.
@KateDaniels2 No, I've been dreaming of an open relationship for a few years. The guy who came on to me only made his interest known a few months ago. And like I said, I wouldn't be doing anything with someone known to me.
I definitely think I could keep things hidden from dc. I'm out a lot anyway. Would just be out somewhere different.
I've never been good at talking. It's just the way my family are. Better at writing things down. Even the dc write when they are stressed! I need to learn how to do it. Heck, I'd need to learn how to do it to ask for an open relationship too but I probably should just start with the more simple asking dh where he sees the relationship.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/04/2017 08:44

The thing with divorcing when the youngest leaves, is that often the kids suddenly realise by putting two and two together, that the marriage was a facade. Acted and played out for their benefit.

So even with you being such a good team, you've been unable to tell him that the betrayal has essentially put you off him for life and your acting like the reason you don't want sex is unrelated.

You're really being deceptive and dishonest in denying intimacy and forcing celibacy on him.

I do think you should raise the topic with him.. ASAP and in writing if that's the only way you can.

Open relationships work for many people, but I always ask myself if I'd like my children to be treated in the way I'm treating my husband in their future relationships... As a sense check on whether I'm being fair.

Can you honestly say you'd like a child of yours to be in your husband's position in a relationship, let alone a marriage?

My views aren't from a moral judgement of open relationships, as I've seen them work well. It's just that your DH is with you, not being straight up honest with him is not so good.

Smeaton · 24/04/2017 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNortherner · 24/04/2017 09:10

You think that sleeping with other people will be a better option than a divorce? What if one of th kids sees you with the new guy, or one of their mates spots you? Or try explaining to the kids if you got pregnant by the other guy. That would be awful for the kids. Your also going to struggle to find a guy who would be happy with this situation who isn't already in a relationship. Who wants their girlfriend/partner to go back to their husband every night.
Done amicably a divorce won't affect the kids, you can still be a good team but it's unfair to stay married to your husband when you feel nothing for him.

DrMorbius · 24/04/2017 09:30

Op, forgive me but you sound a bit deluded and what you write is contradictory. No tension between us - even a fly on the wall would not suspect that I ultimately want out, great team etc, etc. Yet I stopped fancying him subsequent to an event where I felt hugely let down by him - betrayed even. And when I told him how I felt he didn't really understand or support me in a way forward and subsequently you stopped having sex. I am sure your DH has notice.

Divorce him and let him find happiness.

rosabug · 24/04/2017 16:56

mmm. 6 years ago my partner and I stopped having sex - this was coming from him. He wouldn't really admit what it was about and our talks never got anywhere and made it worse. 2 years later I suggested an open relationship - so I could have sex again before I died! He agreed but was not that interested himself. So I went off and had a few adventures - then got sick of it and stopped and told him. What I didn't know was that he has started an affair and all the horrible lies that go with it - that lasted 4 years and ended in our break-up last December. Turned out he had lost attraction for me those 6 years ago - but 'selfishly' wanted to keep the rest of the relationship.

My advice - Stop being so selfish and tell him the truth so he can decide what he wants to do with HIS life. I wish my partner has been that honourable 6 years ago. It's horrible what you have been doing.

HarmlessChap · 25/04/2017 00:25

So if you don't find him attractive any more is there still intimacy, hugs cuddles kisses etc? And if not is that the blue print for a relationship that you would want your children to consider normal?

You can ask about the open relationship but if he has read the continual rejection as a lack of interest in sex rather than you finding him unattractive he will probably be devastated. I guess its all down to how frank and honest you have been about how you feel about him.

Girlywurly · 25/04/2017 05:51

Lots of posters are saying that your DC would prefer the two of you to be living apart amicably than living together in this less than ideal situation, but is this how children really think...? Sounds like the kind of wishful thinking that adults indulge in when they're desperate to exit a bad relationship. I think, assuming there's no serious abuse involved, children would always prefer that their parents stay together. I know I certainly did. Whether you staying together is in their long term best interests is another question though... if you do, prepare to witness similar dynamics repeating in their adult relationships. It's hard to have a really great marriage if you've never observed one at close hand.

nooka · 25/04/2017 06:37

I think the really important thing for children is that their parents are friends. The difficulty with staying together for the sake of the children when one or both partners are frustrated and unhappy is that the chance of that friendship surviving are not great. So then home is an unhappy tense place to be, and when things blow up, as they likely will at some point a future amicable relationship between parents is lost along with the single home for the children. Having to negotiate your affections with warring parent is horrible, with children's loyalties getting pulled all over the place, and I think the older the children are the harder it is for them.

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/04/2017 06:43

This: "The thing with divorcing when the youngest leaves, is that often the kids suddenly realise by putting two and two together, that the marriage was a facade. Acted and played out for their benefit"

The friends who fell apart as young adults were the ones whose parents hung on till they left home then split shortly after.

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/04/2017 06:52

Thinking about this more, but if you have such a great friendship then why not try relationship/sex counselling before just writing the long term future of the marriage off.

I left my relationship because of emotional abuse (and some physical). I had no choice. But it is heartbreaking to not be with the one person who loves your children as much as you do.

Gallavich · 25/04/2017 08:19

biggrannypants there is nothing wrong with being a single parent who has occasional casual relationships. That in itself is not a bad influence on children (assuming the relationships are kept separate from the children) so please be careful not to sound so judgemental. Lots of single mums are in that exact position and are very careful not to negatively impact their children.

noego · 25/04/2017 08:49

I'd be very careful OP. I am not sure that you fully understand open relationships, FWB, ONS and polyamory and how you remain emotionally disassociated. There are rules that need to be adhered to and bending those rules can lead to messy situations.

Having dreams about open relationships is one thing reality is another.

Sarasue1967 · 25/04/2017 08:54

I don't often say this but..... can you imagine the holy shitstorm which would be unleashed if a man posted this here.

user1492526833 · 25/04/2017 09:12

You sound very shallow. How do you know he no longer finds you attractive visually?. Attraction is so much more than looks. I don't understand how you two can get along so well yet you don't "fancy him".

Just end the marriage and continue as good friends who live separately. The guy deserves betterAngry

Girlywurly · 25/04/2017 09:20

I am absolutely baffled as to why the OP has had such a hostile reception.

Sounds as though she and her DH have a marriage that works pretty well for their kids, even if it's not likely to last forever. If they have a frank conversation about the lack of sex, and decide to open the marriage, what's wrong with that...?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/04/2017 09:33

undercoveragent, RE the betrayal that you felt 10 years ago, is he aware of the impact it still has or did he consider it sorted way back then?

nauticant · 25/04/2017 09:50

If they have a frank conversation about the lack of sex, and decide to open the marriage, what's wrong with that...?

Because from the sound of it one party would be coerced into it. Not only is that a horrible thing to do but the result could be disastrous.

Smeaton · 25/04/2017 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girlywurly · 25/04/2017 10:08

What grounds do you have for thinking the husband will be coerced, nauticant?

Smeaton, it sounds like their relationship is far from ideal, but that the OP is trying to find a way to make it work for the DC.

Still don't get the anger that this thread has generated...?

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