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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner going away for weekend leaving me with all the kids.

131 replies

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 20:25

No it's not a crime going away with the lads for a 50th party of course not, I'm just feeling apprehensive as his 2 are 11 and 13 and difficult mine are 11 and 14 and can also be difficult. There was a lot of trouble with his dcs about a year ago, they told their mum they didn't like me, I didn't do their washing on time or cook the right things etc etc. Their mum tried to cause trouble and nearly split us up, so I'm feeling a little vulnerable not sure if that's the wrong word! The thing is though, it's his lack of empathy he says it's a piece of piss looking after 4 kids, I don't feel it is. If anything comes up on a weekend I have the dcs I don't go I may go on a night out but not a whole weekend. He on the other hand says he has to go and that's that. I'm not being selfish I'm not stopping him go but I feel really down about it. I'm wishing the weekend over with 😔

OP posts:

ChocolateDoll · 21/04/2017 12:31

Are you a family or not?

If they were all your kids would there be a problem with him going away for the weekend?

Firmly believe that all kids should be referred to as "our kids". If you take out all terms such as "your kids" and "my kids", it puts a whole different slant on the situation.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 12:35

AnyFucker Fri 21-Apr-17 10:50:06
Then we are in agreement, BOOP

Phew!

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 12:38

the point is it doesn't sound as though he pulls his weight at other times never mind swanning off for the weekend. OP sounds like she does all the family work and he does what he pleases.

If anything comes up on a weekend I have the dcs I don't go I may go on a night out but not a whole weekend. He on the other hand says he has to go and that's that.

JigglyTuff · 21/04/2017 12:55

I bet this is a shit relationship all round. I bet the OP does all the cooking and cleaning, all the budgeting and childcare.

God the number of utterly crap dads who really land on their feet with their partners on MN never ceases to amaze me

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 13:40

Well yes I do the majority of the running around, cooking, cleaning, washing run my own business but he does help out he's not totally irresponsible and he is a good dad the majority of the time, we have great family holidays all together some great days out. The majority of the time we all get on, but there are issues, a lot with one particular dc. And there's been a lot of problems with his ex which I feel he doesn't really deal with, he's let me down quite a lot recently and I feel there is a real disregard for my feelings. The dcs are all at a difficult age it's not their fault but they all have certain issues and although I'm kind to them and look after his as my own and treat them the same there's always a certain discomfort because of things that was said by them and just certain things they've done that was never dealt with.

There's nothing I can do now so I'm just going to make it a fun weekend and take them out for a meal tomorrow etc.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 14:20

ok but you do need to address it with him so that your feelings are taken into account.

Don't presume that life carries on like this. You need to toughen up enough to fight your corner if the need arises.

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 14:28

Yes brassbrass your right, thank u.

OP posts:

OverthinkingSpartacus · 21/04/2017 14:29

Dh works away often, if he booked himself a weekend away meaning he doesn't see his DC for a fortnight I'd not be impressed, he just wouldn't do it though. Going away for weekend isn't the problem. Treating your partner like a doormat and choosing to go on the few days you see your DC without cinsidering how they might feel, and telling your partner she has do what you say because you want to go to a party or whatever is twatty.

Weekends away with mates really isn't the issue, sil and bil each have at least six a year, often to Benidorm. They have three DC and each parent discusses with each other first before booking to check there's no awards ceremonies to for the DC, or if one of the DC were having probs at school etc. They don't go. The discuss it as equals.

happypoobum · 21/04/2017 14:35

There is no way I would look after DP DC for the weekend whilst he fucked off on a jolly.

I would be telling him I had made my own plans and would be off myself with the DC.

Obviously it's all too late now but you have been a bit of a doormat OP and you really need to think about how to manage this situation going forwards.

Crying isn't going to solve anything.

Big Girls Pants are what is required.

I hope you have a good weekend and have time to think of a strategy that will work for you.

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 15:11

Yep big girl pants is what I need and a kick up the bum! I know I'm being a bit pathetic 🙄 ...

OP posts:

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 15:26

You're not pathetic you're too soft and too used to putting other people first. It's time you put your needs first because you matter as much as any of them. There should be some balance in your family workload but judging from your description you're doing all the donkey work so time has come to offload!

Theresnonamesleft · 21/04/2017 15:29

If he wasn't in a relationship he wouldn't have been able to go. Think about it that way. If he wasn't in a relationship he wouldn't just be able to go out when he felt like it during contact. He would have to cook, clean and entertain them. Just because he's in a relationship shouldn't mean that he can pick and chose.

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 15:33

You know I'm actually usually really strong, I've been a single mum before and it was hard but I can be on my own, I don't need him financially, I have my own business. What the hell is wrong with me, I have been over emotional though since watching dad die of cancer and loosing my mum too, think it's all caught up with me

OP posts:

Adora10 · 21/04/2017 15:34

He's abusing your kindness OP; you shouldn't even have his kids if he's not bloody there.

As for folk saying he's too old at 50 to go and have a weekend away with fun and booze, are you for real, we are still allowed to enjoy ourselves, no matter what age we are!

pinkyredrose · 21/04/2017 15:36

What is it about the DC that make them difficult and how has your partner let you down?

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 16:12

If I put all that, people will think I'm being nasty she's just at a difficult age that's all difficult and rude, it's hard for me to tell her off as she will phone her mum up. It's just difficult that's all. She's also not very nice to the others and then they may react.

Dp has just not been very supportive over a few quite large issues, plus he stayed out all night drinking and didn't contact me I was worried and just his general attitude to things annoy me ....

OP posts:

LostSight · 21/04/2017 16:38

How long have you been together Style? It sounds like he's beginning to take you for granted.

When he stayed out all night drinking, were his children there then?

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 16:45

Staying out all night "drinking"

Boys jollies while wifey carries the can

Content to let someone else plough themself into the ground doing all the donkey work

Not seeing his own kids for a fortnight because he prioritises getting slaughtered Friday-Monday

I repeat : pathetic

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 16:54

He doesn't go out a lot these days but when he does he gets so ridiculously drunk, and he's not very nice when he's drunk. Once he did it while I was with my dad who was in the hospital at the time having a procedure which made him sick and it was very distressing, dp rang me up drunk telling me what a great time he was having watching an England match. Another time we had to delay a trip away because he got so drunk the night before. These things just build up, these aren't always times he has his dcs no. There are other things that I'd rather not publish but I think u get the picture

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 16:55

I get the picture.

JigglyTuff · 21/04/2017 16:59

I was right then :(

That is not a good dad. Honestly, good dads don't behave like that.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 17:01

These threads are always the tip of the iceberg.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2017 17:32

FFS. He's not a 'good dad' and he's a shit boyfriend and an alcoholic. Please, please, realise you deserve so much more than this. And pulling one's weight in life is not 'helping out'.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/04/2017 18:01

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Styleangel · 21/04/2017 20:17

5 years but living together a year and a half

OP posts:

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