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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner going away for weekend leaving me with all the kids.

131 replies

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 20:25

No it's not a crime going away with the lads for a 50th party of course not, I'm just feeling apprehensive as his 2 are 11 and 13 and difficult mine are 11 and 14 and can also be difficult. There was a lot of trouble with his dcs about a year ago, they told their mum they didn't like me, I didn't do their washing on time or cook the right things etc etc. Their mum tried to cause trouble and nearly split us up, so I'm feeling a little vulnerable not sure if that's the wrong word! The thing is though, it's his lack of empathy he says it's a piece of piss looking after 4 kids, I don't feel it is. If anything comes up on a weekend I have the dcs I don't go I may go on a night out but not a whole weekend. He on the other hand says he has to go and that's that. I'm not being selfish I'm not stopping him go but I feel really down about it. I'm wishing the weekend over with 😔

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 20/04/2017 20:55

How can you be "stuck because of the court order"? The order specifies that he has the kids, not you.

Complete nonsense to have them when he's not there.

StrawberryJelly00 · 20/04/2017 21:01

FloggingMolly - depends what is in the court order and what it states to do if a parent is unavailable or unable to have the children
You need to look at the order op to see what to do or rather he should!

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 21:01

Well we are a family so I have no problem with him going out with the lads on a Saturday night for instance or going to football or down the pub, same as me I occasionally go out when I have mine but then I have them full time. It's just this Friday to Monday thing, they don't want to spend their time with me they want their dad of course. I will just try and make it fun for them but I may be on here feeling like shit! He is leaving tomorrow at 10am with loads of beer for the journey.

OP posts:
Styleangel · 20/04/2017 21:03

And the fact he said looking 4 kids is a piece of piss grrrrr

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/04/2017 21:04

I don't understand why you're tolerating this, tbh. He and his wife sound like a couple of users.

Therealslimshady1 · 20/04/2017 21:14

Remind him of the 4_kids is a piece of piss thing when you go out on big jolly next weekend!

Please go and see a friend or something fun asap, don't just say it, do it

He sounds like a bit of a wanker I am sorry to say, why are you even with someone who neither respects nor appreciates you?

expatinscotland · 20/04/2017 21:14

What a loser, going off to get pissed all weekend when you're 50! You're a doormat. This is a match made in heaven.

expatinscotland · 20/04/2017 21:16

'And the fact he said looking 4 kids is a piece of piss grrrrr'

What a catch!

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 21:17

I went away a few weekends ago but none of the kids were there, he complained he was left on his own. I was back for when the kids were dropped off. This is the first time he's done this and I have already said I'm not doing it again! Even if it is someone's 50 !!!!!!!!

OP posts:
OverthinkingSpartacus · 20/04/2017 21:18

Not suprised he thinks looking four children alone is a piece of piss, it sounds like he's only does it occasionly and for short times, and because it's rare he does it, during those times he gets to take shortcuts like takeaways and lazy days in front of tv, I can imagine that would be easy, but if he's not doing the majority of stuff alone day to day, he won't get how stressful it can be.

The occasional few hours he has them he won't be experiencing planning, shopping and cooking meals for everyday, he won't be making sure they have clean clothes, he won't be the one booking appointments and planning those around school and commitments, he won't be having his head filled all day with planning, sorting, organising, arranging, doing, cleaning everything for everyone in the household, so of course he thinks it easy.

He either thinks you experience day day things the same as he does on the few occasions he's been alone and fairies do all the other stuff. In which case he needs a sharp shock.

Or, as I suspect, he knows very well how hard it is which is why he's going when they are meant to with him, and knows you'll be there to do the parenting he's opting out of for the weekend.

I know you said you don't want to not see the kids for a whole weekend, but honestly, I'd be taking equal time out, I'd be planning it for when all four children are there, and wouldn't be doing things like making sure he doesn't have to cook, or wash clothes or plan stuff for kids while he's looking after them either. You don't have to go away on the piss, just a few nights in a hotel alone. If he genuinely thinks it's easy he won't mind or complain.

It's not him going out/away with mates that's the problem, it's his attitude that has to be when and where that's convenient for him and you should find it easy and stfu because he's the important one. He's not willing to compromise, like ask mates to go away when he doesn't have his two children. He won't change if you keep doing everything for him though.

Theresnonamesleft · 20/04/2017 21:25

It's not your court order it's his. Stand up for yourself and tell him no. His kids he needs to deal with them. What kind of arsehole
Thinks this is ok? To fuck off for a whole weekend when you should have your kids. Great message he's sending them. Not
To see him for 3 weeks cos his piss up was more important.
And what's this shite about them complaining you don't do x, y and z? Where's he when heir clothes need washing or they need feeding, why is all this down to you?
Yes you are a family but he's also their parent. About time he acted like one.

Teabagtits · 20/04/2017 21:25

The court order is to regulate the relationship between him and his children, not you. You have no obligation under a court order for him unless it's a very unusual and unique order.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 20/04/2017 21:30

He complained being about being on his own, as in, just him, when you had a weekend away? But that you should be fine with four kids in your own?

He's a dick.

My dss was so easy to look after, but no way would his Dad choose to fuck off during contact and Insist pick up his slack knowing I'd said no. His contact time was a fixed commitment and a priority, nights out, weekends away or whatever would be planned around those, there's been offered of nights out many times, but dh has said no, he's busy and has plans, which he did.

You say you are a family, in a family, both parents discuss things like this, one doesn't just book up to fuck off for a weekend without agreeing and sorting childcare first.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 21:33

You are not a "family"

He is the Boss and you are the domestic appliance and general housemaid

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 21:55

I'm just pissed off 😤

OP posts:
Styleangel · 20/04/2017 22:13

I thought people would tell me to be not so pathetic, and get on with it.

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Justmuddlingalong · 20/04/2017 22:19

Are you happy, in general, because you sound almost broken by the whole relationship?

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 22:29

I don't know, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not but we have had a lot thrown at us that a lot of relationships wouldn't survive! I do feel a bit resentful sometimes though, which is not good. There's a lot of bad I could tell u about but there's also a lot of good

OP posts:
Chloecoconut · 20/04/2017 23:15

If it's his 'kids weekend' then he should be there. Yes it's his friend's 'big' birthday but it's his weekend with his children so he should have just said 'I'd love to be there but it's my contact weekend, sorry'. That's how it works in our house - if the SD are here and the weekend can't be stopped then SD comes first.

Chloecoconut · 20/04/2017 23:16

The SD IS (sorry poor grammar) and swopped not stopped!

HelenaDove · 20/04/2017 23:24

Im childfree by choice and there is no way i would date a man with kids if i were single, because of situations like this.

rollonthesummer · 20/04/2017 23:26

Say no-don't be a martyr.

Isetan · 21/04/2017 01:36

I agree with AF, stop being a bloody martyr! There's no brownie points and there's no medal, just the depressing reality that you've let yourself become a mug. Your guilt and appeasement has played a major contribution to him treating you like you don't count.

Changedname3456 · 21/04/2017 07:10

I see why you might be hesitant about this, but I routinely look after my DPs two whilst she's away for the weekend, either just them or with my own two as well, depending which weekend it is. I did it for a week recently when she had the opportunity to work away.

It's not always easy but I get on with it because, IMO, that's part and parcel of being a blended family. If all 4 were mine there'd be no question of doing it, so why should anything change just because two are step children?

Don't most Mums on here expect new DPs to take the whole "package" at least once the relationship is well established? Why doesn't that work both ways?

2014newme · 21/04/2017 07:17

Gosh what a doormat you are!
Don't have his kids when he isn't there to look after them.
Take your kids on a weekend away or do something fun.
He sounds crap god knows why you bother trying to stay together, his ex would likely have some tales to tell!

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