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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going away for weekend leaving me with all the kids.

131 replies

Styleangel · 20/04/2017 20:25

No it's not a crime going away with the lads for a 50th party of course not, I'm just feeling apprehensive as his 2 are 11 and 13 and difficult mine are 11 and 14 and can also be difficult. There was a lot of trouble with his dcs about a year ago, they told their mum they didn't like me, I didn't do their washing on time or cook the right things etc etc. Their mum tried to cause trouble and nearly split us up, so I'm feeling a little vulnerable not sure if that's the wrong word! The thing is though, it's his lack of empathy he says it's a piece of piss looking after 4 kids, I don't feel it is. If anything comes up on a weekend I have the dcs I don't go I may go on a night out but not a whole weekend. He on the other hand says he has to go and that's that. I'm not being selfish I'm not stopping him go but I feel really down about it. I'm wishing the weekend over with 😔

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 21/04/2017 07:21

The court order is not your concern. He needs to facilitate this, not you. Surely if looking after four kids is a piece of piss, sorting his two out will be simples.

2014newme · 21/04/2017 07:38

Thing is, you know the op will continue to be a servant and dogsbody and martyr to his whims.
She won't actually say no I'm not looking after your kids while you are away.
🙄

Original poster
Styleangel · 21/04/2017 07:54

Changedname wow, I take my hat off to u , everyone's situation is different but no I would never go away for a week leaving my dp to look after my kids. He did have the pleasure once while my dad was dieing, it wasn't easy for anyone but that was a must. I did have to ask their dad to have them more then though they are his responsibility not my dp but yeh sometimes a night out is ok, but I think your one in a million

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 21/04/2017 07:57

I don't think those ages sound particularly difficult...
His attitude does though!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/04/2017 08:02

Calling OP a martyr and a doormat is really rude and uncalled for.

Crumbs1 · 21/04/2017 08:10

I think there's two separate issues - and you are being a bit of a poor me martyr?
Your attitude that all four children are difficult isn't very nice. They're children and unless both sets of parents aren't effective then I'm sure most of the time they are perfectly lovely. If not, you need to be addressing that not the weekend away. Four children of that age can be great fun, are old enough to not be constantly demanding but also young enough to want to do things.
Involve them in the planning, see what they want to do and try to think a bit more positively. Have the same budget as his weekend away. Four children for one weekend is not hard. All this his kids/my kids stuff is just plain nasty for the children involved- either you are a family or you are not.
Then you are begrudging him a weekend away. I think it depends how often he expects it. If it's a one off then you're being a bit mean. If it's regular occurrence then you need to have the discussion re reasonable expectations. It sounds like he was quite supportive when your father was dying so not a dreadful person.

Original poster
Styleangel · 21/04/2017 08:50

🙄 that's all I have to say to you crumbs1

OP posts:
2014newme · 21/04/2017 09:00

No point being cross with crumbs. You know you'll be looking after all the kids as you won't say no so you may as well follow her advice for making the best of it

ocelot7 · 21/04/2017 09:39

I agree with changedname - this is how a blended family should work. I grizzle to myself sometimes that DPs kids mean we can't go away much etc but accept that this is the situation if I want to be with him.

I get you may be pissed off he's away having fun but being so negative about yr weekend with the kids can become self fulfilling....its one weekend. And they will probably entertain themselves for a lot of it. You haven't said the 2 sets of kids don't get on (which would be an issue) and he has looked after yours before and lives fulltime with them so presumably shares some responsibility?

In any family/relationship there needs to be give and take. I think some posters are getting you more worked up & accusing you of being a doormat isn't helpful. He's setting off soon & sounds like you wouldn't enjoy that weekend either! Try to carve out some nice time for yourself.

And re the comments to their mum about you - possibly some misplaced loyalty - given their ages you just have to take that as the adult who has appeared in their lives. Think of this weekend as an opp to build a better relationship with them. I hope it all works out better than you fear!

Original poster
Styleangel · 21/04/2017 09:46

I agree ocelot, it will probably be fine, really I just felt down about it as it is hard with the 4 of them, individually they are good kids but together they can be a nightmare and well there are a lot of issues! Just for the record I haven't been negative with the kids, I just can't help the way I feel, it's also something I wouldn't do in the present circumstances

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 09:50

Hello OP

I also disagree that it's "pathetic" for someone to go away with their mates for the weekend at 50. I'm 50 this year and going away with friends several times this year.

But, it is a bit shit that he's left you with 2 extra kids to look after. Especially with the "piece of piss" comment ringing in your ears.

In order to make the best of a bad job, could you try having a bit of a pep talk at the start of the weekend, appeal to their better nature and ask for their help to make it all run smoothly. My teens tend to react well to that - asking them to be part of a team etc. Good luck

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 10:02

I didn't say it was pathetic to go away with friends when you are 50.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 10:26

Only pathetic when it's men then OP?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 10:27

I mean AF Confused

I don't see why it's pathetic for a man to go away with his mates.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 10:28

Though I do think it's pathetic for anyone to do it when they are supposed to be responsible for their kids and just assume your DP will do it.

Original poster
Styleangel · 21/04/2017 10:34

Bitoutofpractice, thank u so much for your advice, I think I'm over emotional ATM my dad hadn't long died, dp has let me down quite a bit lately so I'm probably being over sensitive but I can't help the way I feel, so I will make it clear I won't do it again! I dropped him off and came away in floods of tears, but I've got to stop it as I'm now seeing a client ffs and breath

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2017 10:36

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks and yes, he has let you down.

Deep breath, shoulders back and face that client.

I hope the kids behave and you have a good weekend

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 10:39

though they are his responsibility not my dp

why doesn't the same appy to you though? Why are his kids your responsibility? and not their mum's?

Unless you grow a back bone I'm not sure how you think this is ever going to be resolved. He can do whatever he likes because he knows you'll be there to do all the skivvying. He doesn't respect you.

I'm appalled at the allegations that you didn't do their washing on time or cook what they wanted. Where the fuck was their father in all this? What does he do for your kids or the kids in general? Does he pull his weight or has he found a willing housekeeper?

GAH!!!! these threads do my head in.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 10:50

Then we are in agreement, BOOP

I am talking about what what this specific bloke is doing in this specific way

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 10:52

You dropped him off too ? Despite him letting you down a lot recently.

Deary me. If all you do is keep crying about it and wasting your energy on folks that don't appreciate you, then be prepared to carry on bring the family mug for ever more

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 10:54

They do my head in too. I am frequently aghast at the way people let others treat them.

blueskyinmarch · 21/04/2017 10:54

I am in my 50's and go away for weekends with my friends, why can't a man? I think you just need to suck it up OP, it is all part of being in a relationship.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 11:02

Have you even read the rest of the op's posts, blue ?

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 11:03

bluesky did you read the post or just reply to the title when you came to that conclusion?

WannaBe · 21/04/2017 11:21

I agree with changedname, part of being a blended family is sometimes being responsible for all the kids even the ones which aren't biologically yours, because you willingly entered into a relationship with someone who has children.

Now personally I wouldn't expect my DP to have my ds over a weekend if I were going off on a jolly on my own, but I know that he would, and in fact my DS stayed here with my DP when I was in hospital towards the end of last year, and if he started telling me that he wasn't prepared to look after my child and that his father should be doing it he would see the other side of the door very quickly.

Equally, while I would expect my DS to stay with me in the event that eXH were going away during time he was meant to be staying there, if eXH decided to agree with his DP to have DS instead that arrangement would be between them, so the posters saying that the OP should get on the phone to the ex and demand she have the kids are way out of line.

This arrangement is between the OP and her partner, it's not the ex's responsibility if the partner has decided to go away on his contact weekend. And if the OP is that resentful then likely the children are aware of it - kids aren't stupid. If they complained about OP to their mum the wording might have been as simplistic as that she doesn't do washing or cook what they want, but it's probably far more complicated than that in their heads. For them, they're living with a woman who resents their presence, doesn't really get on with their father, and sees them as an inconvenience.

As for the partner, well if the OP isn't happy with him then she should leave. It's that simple really.