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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh pulls out of major decisions at the last minute

103 replies

Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 19:49

This is an issue we've had for the entirety of our marriage, I'm pulling my hair out over what to do.

My dh and I make decisions together, he is not the best communicator but I try to be very clear and always clarify/question what he responds to me with in case I've misunderstood. Whenever we make a big decision together (buying a house, having a child etc) at the VERY LAST MINUTE he tries to turn it around, say I pushed him into it and he wants out. I recognise that this is because he cannot own his decisions.

Over the last few months we have been gearing up to moving abroad. We rented out our house, packed up all our stuff, I found a job in new country (he works remotely) we're currently in my mum's spare room due to fly on Monday. Lo and behold, today he has engineered a fight, the outcome being that he is pulling out of the move and refuses to consent to me going with the dc without him (which I threatened to do).

He has now taken the dc and gone to stay at his mum's.

I am at my wit's end. Crying in my mum's spare room because I feel like he's pulled the rug out from under me, yet again.

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 20/04/2017 19:55

You don't make decisions together, he calls the shots with this behaviour and is basically controlling you so you have to go along with his wishes. Life is too short, time to call his bluff.

Chillyegg · 20/04/2017 19:58

Sorry he sounfs abusive thats not ok! Go get your kids and leave him

NapQueen · 20/04/2017 19:58

He has taken the kids?? Madness.

Luttrell · 20/04/2017 20:01

Play nice. Grovel. Whatever it takes. Get the kids and get him calm.

Tell him you'll fly first and you'll 'think about it' or you'll fly and, I dunno, cancel things there.

Then he can have a text dumping his sorry, controlling arse and he can go crying to his mama again.

He might frame it like you're the big bad bully and shed some tears, but that's basically because he's chosen a different form of control than volume and violence - sniffly tears, 'you don't love me' whining and a sanctuary behind mummy's skirts.

I bet your new life abroad will be an incredible experience without him dragging you down. What a despicably weak man!

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 20:03

Wow.

I could not tolerate this.

AlcoholAndIrony · 20/04/2017 20:05

Sorry, have nothing to add but Flowers

He simply cannot take the kids away from you. You have things in place to move abroad Shock

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:05

Sad I had a feeling this would be an unanimous ltb. But how is moving abroad possible if he won't give his consent? How would he see the dc? I desperately want to go.

OP posts:
AlcoholAndIrony · 20/04/2017 20:07

Why does he NOT want to move?

notanurse2017 · 20/04/2017 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:11

I don't think he doesn't want to move, he's just terrified of making a wrong decision. He decided he had never actually wanted a child when I was 3 months pregnant, said he hated the house we were buying just after we'd exchanged, says I pushed him into marriage. You get the picture.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/04/2017 20:13

Just sounds such an exhausting way to live; you're supposed to be a team and on the same page with decisions. Really think about whether this is something you want to continue putting up with

AlcoholAndIrony · 20/04/2017 20:17

The only wrong decision is being flaky about making a decision. It's not a way to live.

MysweetAudrina · 20/04/2017 20:17

Sounds like he gets major cold feet before a big event. I presume he normally comes round as in you got married, had the baby, moved into the house? How does he normally come round? He is panicking but he seems to only go into that mode once it's too late to back out. Will his mother be able to rationalise with him?

Goatfucker · 20/04/2017 20:18

I think he is afraid of big changes.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:22

Yes he does normally go into panic mode once it's too late to back out. This feels a little different in that it's before the event... Although our house is already let and I've already quit my job so for me there's no going back!

OP posts:
SweetChickadee · 20/04/2017 20:24

You must have the patience of a saint, that would drive me batshit.

Embolio · 20/04/2017 20:25

He sounds like a fucking asshole OP, seriously. How old are your kids? I would go without him, with the kids and tell him I'd see him in court.

Who the fuck acts like this? Would he really try to stop you going or is he just a controlling wanker full of hot air?

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:26

Sorry the bit about him taking the dc and going to his mum's sounds like it was a result of the argument but actually the plan had been for him to take them to see his mum and say goodbye etc.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 20/04/2017 20:27

You can't take the DC without a court order if he doesn't agree. I think you know that. What an utter bastard to do this to you. He sounds like a coward and a bully. Why the hell would he let you give up your job and leave your home? You poor thing! Do you think you can resolve it before Monday? Get you all to your new home then re-evaluate your relationship. This isn't on at all

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:31

Dc are pre-school age, that was why we decided to move now, before they had started school and it was too late. I don't think he will try to stop us going, I think he'll probably come back without saying anything and carry on. But it makes me feel so shitty and horrible in what should be a really exciting time, questioning if I did push him into it.

I really want to move. I was so excited.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 20/04/2017 20:33

God that sounds exhausting.

I'm also change averse, so I get that, but honestly the way he's treated you is appalling, especially wrt being pregnant.

I think now you probably need to be strategic to get things back on track, but in the long run, don't you deserve better?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 20:34

What a fucking joysucker

He can't stand to see you happy and excited can he ?

Wallywobbles · 20/04/2017 20:39

Just keep going. My ex didn't decide he was coming abroad with me until the furniture had left.

But your DP needs therapy he really does. Does he own his behaviour later on or not.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:42

I do deserve better, I know that, I'm a bloody catch!

The trouble is, I/we will probably play the game to get it all back on track for Monday, and then I'll end up putting it to the back of my mind and getting on with it, as I usually do. This side of him really only comes out around major life-changing events. So by the time the next one comes along we've kind of moved on and are back to normal.

I just really really don't want this to ever happen again! And there has only been one time that he's managed to admit that he does this, and that was during a conversation about this very move. I said I wasn't going to move and him do his usual trick of getting cold feet and saying I pushed him into it and he kind of had a lightbulb moment (at least I thought it was) and promised solemnly not to do it. Yet here we are.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 20:43

Yet here you are

And you will turn yourself inside out to persuade this manchild to change his mind.

Rinse and repeat. How can you be bothered? Confused