Dh pulls out of major decisions at the last minute

[Withorwithout]

This is an issue we've had for the entirety of our marriage, I'm pulling my hair out over what to do.

My dh and I make decisions together, he is not the best communicator but I try to be very clear and always clarify/question what he responds to me with in case I've misunderstood. Whenever we make a big decision together (buying a house, having a child etc) at the VERY LAST MINUTE he tries to turn it around, say I pushed him into it and he wants out. I recognise that this is because he cannot own his decisions.

Over the last few months we have been gearing up to moving abroad. We rented out our house, packed up all our stuff, I found a job in new country (he works remotely) we're currently in my mum's spare room due to fly on Monday. Lo and behold, today he has engineered a fight, the outcome being that he is pulling out of the move and refuses to consent to me going with the dc without him (which I threatened to do).

He has now taken the dc and gone to stay at his mum's.

I am at my wit's end. Crying in my mum's spare room because I feel like he's pulled the rug out from under me, yet again.

I think the pp has it right. Make him own his decision not to go. Say fine we will stay. But I now have no job or home so you pull these rabbits out of the hat (because I'm done with this shit). This move was your dream not mine.

Just check the legal consequences of marriage break up in the new country OP. Just reminded me of Katy Ashworth's court case over child abduction after just 3 days in Australia, which, although resolved in her favourite, was a very frightening story.

Hope you manage to resolve this. I just wanted to stress again you absolutely cannot take the DC abroad without his consent. It's abduction. Even if you get out of the country, which you probably easily would, he could start court proceedings for their return and he'd succeed in all likelihood. That would have drastic consequences as abduction is viewed legally as child abuse. You might have to see them supervised. Talk him round and all go together, then once your safely abroad with your DC decide about your relationship. If you split once there, there is no possibility of an abduction allegation and it will be up to DH whether he stays abroad with you or not. Might be worth looking at the custody laws in the country you're moving to.

I've had the most amazing lie in and have just woken up bonus to having your husband desert you I suppose. Dh and dc stayed at his mum's as was the plan.

He's just called to say he is picking up the hire car that we had booked for the weekend to make last minute visits and drive to airport on Monday. So it looks like...Drum roll...We are moving abroad.

As lots of pps have said this behaviour is exhausting and essentially abusive. Once we are out there and settled I fully foresee me kicking his sorry ass to the kerb. There is no way back from this for me.

Thanks so much for all support and suggestions. I'm so glad I did no crawling/coaxing/screaming/kidnapping.
and all round.

Great news and good luck :)

Good, I'm glad you haven't pandered to him. Of course, I suppose it's possible that he's picking up the hire car because he has no other form of transport? I would not ask him explicitly, though - it's just asking for another round of 'it's all your fault'.

Once abroad, do consider that if you say you want to separate he might still be able to threaten to move to a distant part of the country with the children, since his job is remote and yours is (presumably) location-specific. As the primary carer he would be able to do this (depending on where you're going of course). The whole situation feels very precarious.

I hope at least you do get away smoothly on Monday and you get settled quickly.

The issue here is not just his anxiety and panic, but your reaction.

I completely get why you jump when he says boo, but this time you did nothing and he came around all by himself and it's all OK.

I wonder why he is so terrified of 'getting things wrong' to the point of abject fear to make a decision to do anything at all? His parents, were/are they very dominating/aggressive? somewhere he has learned that the consequences can be dire if he makes a false move.

If I were you I would have some conversations to ask him, (once you are on the other side of your move) in this instance what would the worst case scenario be?

He remote works. If he really hated it wherever you are moving, he could go and work from his mother's/your mother's/anywhere he wants to be.

Everything would work out in the end, because you both love each other and want to make it work. making it work involves change and development, and a decision taken together, even if it turns out less than you both hoped for, is just that. Decisions like these are not finite, they can be changed.

Im a former DV victim, i often see abuse where there is abuse, but here I see fear and panic. He's acting out.

You guys need to talk through things, potentially he needs to write things down and remind himself of why he's made choices he has made. I also think he needs to know how it makes you feel to be told that he was pushed into marriage, kids etc, it hurts and over time that damages relationships.

Good luck with the move OP. So glad it worked out.

Listen to Hissy. He's come round and sounds like he is otherwise grand.

I also question whether moving the entire family abroad when you are planning to dump him would be exactly fair on your part.

OP, can I ask..did he apologize over the phone when he called to say he was picking the car?
Or did he act as though nothing had happened?
I am curious as to how he could make the transition from such an extreme emotional vent at you back to business-as-usual, without an explanation or apology or any reference to it.
Completely speculative but I think you are realizing you may have outgrown this man

Best of luck to you OP

No explanation, no apology, no reference to it whatsoever. Just "I'm picking up the car, see you soon" and hung up. Nothing in person either, a half arsed attempt at a hug and some silly jokes of the sheepish variety.

Everything hissy says makes sense to me but I'm still too angry to consider the reasons that lie behind his actions and accommodate them. Who knows, I might feel differently in the sun on Monday though

So draining to be the only grown up in the family.

I couldn't respect someone who wouldn't or couldn't take responsibility for his actions. It sounds like you have lost respect for him. Agree remember this anger, perhaps stick a reminder on your phone to re-read this thread in 2 months time, so this time you don't let it slide back into "normality", because while life is fine as long as you don't make him make any decisions more complex than "what shall we have for dinner?", you can't just leave it until he's making you the bad guy yet again for something he decided to do.

Agreed Invisible and I liked your idea so I've set reminders at 1 week, 1 month and 3 months to re-read the thread and decide what to do.

I've calmed down quite a bit now and am back to feeling excited, and I can see he is too. So it's certainly a possibility that it'll get forgotten about once again and I don't want that to happen.

Whether it's ditching him once abroad or giving some kind of therapy or divorce ultimatum, something needs to give.

Agree once you are settled seeing whether you could go to some kind of therapy together. Hope all goes well.

Wish you all the best, OP. You sound great.

He needs therapy. He obviously has an issue with making serious decisions - it doesn't sound like he's abusive or controlling, but rather that (for whatever reason) he is tormented by having to make a choice.

It's going to happen again unless he talks to a professional who can help him to untangle it.

Try not to see that this is done on purpose, I struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia due to traumatic relationship in the past and the flight mechanism is ridiculously powerful when it comes in.

It's such a primal fear, if you can find a way to understanding this and expecting it, supporting him along the way to challenge his fears and really challenge what it is that scares him, you may get some progress.

What do you know of his upbringing?

Great to hear the happy ending (so far), op. However, from now on, before every big decision I'd make him sign a document that he is doing it out of his free will and he does want to do it (once you have agreed). Then, at the usual backtracking, I'd wave the sheet of paper in front of him to cut it short.

The last minute panicking/questioning you've made the right decision is understandable.
Saying that he never agreed to it in the first place and the OP pushed him into it, making OP question herself is an awful way to treat someone.

Did you make it OP?