Dh pulls out of major decisions at the last minute

[Withorwithout]

This is an issue we've had for the entirety of our marriage, I'm pulling my hair out over what to do.

My dh and I make decisions together, he is not the best communicator but I try to be very clear and always clarify/question what he responds to me with in case I've misunderstood. Whenever we make a big decision together (buying a house, having a child etc) at the VERY LAST MINUTE he tries to turn it around, say I pushed him into it and he wants out. I recognise that this is because he cannot own his decisions.

Over the last few months we have been gearing up to moving abroad. We rented out our house, packed up all our stuff, I found a job in new country (he works remotely) we're currently in my mum's spare room due to fly on Monday. Lo and behold, today he has engineered a fight, the outcome being that he is pulling out of the move and refuses to consent to me going with the dc without him (which I threatened to do).

He has now taken the dc and gone to stay at his mum's.

I am at my wit's end. Crying in my mum's spare room because I feel like he's pulled the rug out from under me, yet again.

I wouldn't still be subjected to it. Honestly.

I am not trying to make you "bite". Save your defensiveness for yourself and stand up to your ridiculous husband.

But then what is his actual plan since you have already disbanded your lives here? He's pulling the plug without even giving you a viable alternative.
He says he tried to tell you and you didn't listen? I don't buy it.He couldn't have tried very hard.
He needs to take responsibility for his own life a bit more.He's a grown adult and if he doesn't want to do something he should say so clearly at he beginning, not just go blaming you when he gets the willies at the last minute.
This would be intolerable to me.How could you plan anything at all??

But what would you do in this exact situation, AF? I want to move abroad, he's pulling the rug out from underneath me with 3 days to go. I don't care whether he goes or not but I do care about whether my dc will be coming with me, and I will certainly still be going.

I would go and get the kids tomorrow and just go.He can't actually stop you I don't think unless he alleged you have committed some terrible crime against them.
He knows where you a he going to be, be knows how to contact you.He has the option to go with you.

I had this with my ex. It was all about control and bringing me down. He does it to the DC too which really upsets them.

He can do it about anything - small or large decisions. We would discuss things, make a decision and lo - he would change his mind at the last minute and say no.

He tells lies too - about everything - he would rather tell a lie than tell the truth.

Note he is the ex.

I would do my utmost to try and go with the kids as planned, give him some time to get himself ready to come and join us, then move heaven and earth to keep him way.

I would get the dc back with me now. Tonight.

If it is physically/financially possible to go with the dc without him I would go and tell him to send you the divorce papers.

I'd be careful about taking the kids abroad without your DH consent, it is,seen as kidnapping.

I used to travel with the kids without DH and always needed notarised consent letters in the airport (this was Chile and Brazil), be careful.

I'd coax and pander and try to reach a conpromise (where he comes later and you go ahead with the kids, or where you all go)

Then once you are living in your new place, it would be HIM kidnapping the kids if he tried to take them back to the UK without your consent.

I would be a total calculating bitch about this, for the sake of mine and the kids future (and screw him!)

And who knows, he might come around and you may forgive him

But bloody hell, go for it

He sounds like an immature twat but as a PP said I'd be careful in regards to taking the kids without him/his consent because it is kidnapping.

He can't actually stop you

"Taking a child abroad without permission is child abduction."

That said, it sounds like he lacks the gumption to go through with this threat on his own - so if you tell him you're taking the dc as planned, OP, he may bluster but I doubt he's going to grow a backbone and act on his threat.

I would keep reinforcing the point that this is a pattern of behaviour. Every time it is too late to pull out of a major decision he manufactures a row so that whatever follows is all your responsibility. You simply do not accept this is rational behaviour. He is welcome to go with you, or let you go, or have you prosecuted for child abduction but those are the three options.

Whichever way this goes, OP, you cannot carry on like this. He has to acknowledge that his behaviour is incredibly sabotaging and find a way to deal with anxiety (if that is at the root of it) effectively. Or you can't possibly be in a partnership with him, because there is no co-operation.

In this country though-assuming you have the same last name as the kids-would they actually check at passport control or whatever? I've travelled with my girls alone, without their Dad and without any sort of letter from him, and never had any issues.Genuine question, not being argumentative-wouldn't he have to call the police and allege the OP was a danger to the children or something, for border control to stop op at the airport?

If DH went to the police, yes they would stop you.

I would not play hardball, right now, save that for later!

I really don't think he has it in him to call the police. I just cannot see it. I don't think particularly that this is a control thing as such, I think it is rooted entirely in fear and the need to be absolved of blame. I think he wants me to take charge, reassure him that it will all be ok, promise him I'll make sure everything works out. Then he can come because it won't have been his choice. So if it goes wrong he can blame me.

But knowing that doesn't help. Because I don't want to take all responsibility. I want him to grow up and get on with it, acknowledge it will probably be hard but most likely worthwhile, and recognise that if it all goes wrong, nobody needs to be blamed and we can just move back. Why can't it be that simple?!

And yes I have also travelled with my dc without him and I've never been stopped or asked for a consent letter.

Also - in the event he did call the police, can I not just point out that everything is in place and planned out and he is just getting cold feet? So clearly I am not kidnapping them?

I don't have the same surname as ds and I have only ever been asked for proof of our relationship/consent to travel on the way back in to the UK - it is unclear WTF the point of this policy is but there we have it. So likely the OP would be allowed to leave the country unless he had already called the police. He could continue to require their return after their departure, however, and the Hague Convention would enforce this.

I'd be concerned about going abroad as a family and breaking up there, OP. What if you were to want to come home?

can I not just point out that everything is in place and planned out and he is just getting cold feet

No of course not. He can withdraw his consent, same as you could if (for example) you had been pressured into agreeing to move and then changed your mind at the last minute - there have been a number of threads on MN about this over the years.

Moving abroad is a very stressful experience and can test many couples. With this level of issue between you, I don't see how you make it through it, especially not if he wants to blame you for everything that goes wrong. I would make clear to him that he can choose to come wholeheartedly and accepting that things may be tough, or may not work out, but this was a decision you took together and you won't be made a scapegoat. You also won't waste valuable energy trying to reassure him that there, there, everything will be alright and mummy will take care of everything. He isn't your child.

The thing about asking AF what she would do is that Anyfucker wouldn't have married him (neither would I) and wouldn't have had a child with him after the trapped into marriage melt down thing etc.

But you did and presumably there were reasons you did and there are bits you like. I also don't think this is about control - I think it is about fear and anxiety and forcing 110% of the responsibility for a scary adult action on you.

In the short term I think you need to suck this one up, get everyone on the plane (he will not object), get settled in your new place.

Then I suggest you give him an ultimatum that he either gets therapy or you split. Because his avoidance of responsibility in his personal life and his terror of change and decision-making etc is not normal - not by a long shot.

Does he work? how does that go? Is he able to take responsibility at work?

Yes Atenco I've had the same thought. Although I do feel very sure about moving and very excited, and I don't particularly see where we are now as "home".

Point taken tribpot, and I really don't want to end up arrested That would really be the icing on the fucking cake.

Yes he does work, although he works remotely so I guess he doesn't have to deal directly with a team etc. When he used to have to go into the office he often came back pretty grumpy.

He also takes nearly all of the responsibility around childcare, organising, picking up and dropping off, meals etc. So as I say, day to day goes pretty smoothly.

Deckoff - that is exactly what he is trying to say, that I've talked him into these big things. But that is categorically not true. In fact the move abroad has been on the cards since we first met because HE wanted it.

He also takes nearly all of the responsibility around childcare, organising, picking up and dropping off, meals etc. So as I say, day to day goes pretty smoothly.

But this is a very different level or type of responsibility than actually owning and living with the responsibility of deciding where to live or deciding whether to have another child or deciding whether to commit to another person significantly.

He is ok with day to day responsibility of dropping dcs to childcare and doing dinner but is really off the wall when it comes to the kinds of adult decisions we have to make. Would I love if I could blame someone else for my decision to move with dh to US - well it might be comforting in the short term but in the long term, it was my life, I decided to go for it, I have to own it. Your husband has chosen to not own any decision that has major impact. eventually (or now) that will wear you down.

How will he be if you have any issues with your kids? (We are a nice normal family with ok kids and have had to deal with all sorts of shit in the teen years that f-ing floored us tbh). Will he let you say "ok we call in CAMHs and then deal with the police and call the school etc etc" - as in deal with everything - and then will he say "but I never wanted DC to do x"

This model of parenting and being in a relationship is really unsustainable. It will affect your children eventually. Not just you.

What can you do? Start taking responsibility for your part in your relationship dynamic, he does this because he can and because it isn't a deal breaker for you. Control/ abuse/ anxiety, whatever the label you attach to his behaviour, the outcome is the same.

You cannot change him and if he refuses to get help then this is how he'll stay. This has been your past, it's your present and it will be your future if you continue to play the game.

In the short term, do what you're always done to get him on the plane but after, you need to make decision, is this a deal breaker or is this just a rant?

I'd send him a message asking if you can talk calmly without fighting and where he tells you exactly what he thinks the alternative plan is now. Keep it calm and factual. It will, I'm sure, become apparent that he's having an entirely unreasonable wobble and you'll get him on the plane.

Once you're overseas, however, I'd be kicking his obstructive arse to the kerb. Fuck that shit. How exhausting to be the only grown-up capable of making a decision in a relationship yet be consistently punished for it. Life is too short.

Yes keep your eye on the new-life-abroad prize OP. Short-term pain for long-term gain and all that.

DH and I did an international, permanent move last year. It's hard enough without any outrageously shitty behaviour. Get there, get settled and then (seeing as how you make & are responsible for all the major decisions anyway) decide that he is a massive waste of space.