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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh pulls out of major decisions at the last minute

103 replies

Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 19:49

This is an issue we've had for the entirety of our marriage, I'm pulling my hair out over what to do.

My dh and I make decisions together, he is not the best communicator but I try to be very clear and always clarify/question what he responds to me with in case I've misunderstood. Whenever we make a big decision together (buying a house, having a child etc) at the VERY LAST MINUTE he tries to turn it around, say I pushed him into it and he wants out. I recognise that this is because he cannot own his decisions.

Over the last few months we have been gearing up to moving abroad. We rented out our house, packed up all our stuff, I found a job in new country (he works remotely) we're currently in my mum's spare room due to fly on Monday. Lo and behold, today he has engineered a fight, the outcome being that he is pulling out of the move and refuses to consent to me going with the dc without him (which I threatened to do).

He has now taken the dc and gone to stay at his mum's.

I am at my wit's end. Crying in my mum's spare room because I feel like he's pulled the rug out from under me, yet again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:44

Wally did you have dc? I want to go ahead but know that I legally can't, as JK said.

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 20/04/2017 20:49

Wow, that is quite something.

You are past the point of no return, surely? You're packed up, the house has been rented out, you've left your old job?

You cannot back out now. Surely he sees this? How on earth has he justified pulling this bullshit yet again?

How does he propose you back out of this?

RandomMess · 20/04/2017 20:52

He needs to learn to deal with it, end of.

It's fear & anxiety and he needs to develop some healthier coping mechanisms.

FetchezLaVache · 20/04/2017 20:54

OP, you have my sympathy. My ExH was like that. I forced him to get married, forced him to have a child etc etc. It's fucking wearing, isn't it?

This was not the only reason I left him, but really, how much respect can one retain for a man who makes a major decision of his own free will and then tries to make out he was backed into a corner?

Perhaps the most expedient way to proceed is to pretend to go along with it when, inevitably, he comes back as though nothing has happened and tries to dress it up as last-minute wobbles.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:54

He hasn't proposed anything, he just said I'm not moving, I never wanted to and you never listen to me, this was all after a blazing row seemingly about something else. So I said we'd go without him then and he said he wouldn't consent to me taking the dc. I was totally baffled although not surprised and asked him where he thought we would stay, in my mum's spare room forever? At that stage he left (dc already in car).

OP posts:
Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 20:57

Yes Fetchez, exactly. Very fucking wearing. And he manages to do it infrequently enough that it feels almost silly to divorce him over it. And anyway I don't want a divorce, I want my move abroad!! Angry

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 20/04/2017 21:00

The fact he's just lashing out at you rather than having an actual escape plan is worse, I think. It just shows how immature and volatile he is.

I feel sympathy for anxious people (I suffer myself) and I understand the mindset that makes someone never want to "own" their decisions (my mum is like this) but no, you CANNOT freak out on the eve of a big move and essentially hold your children hostage.

I think he's crossed a line this time.

aprilanne · 20/04/2017 21:04

now this might be a shot in the dark but the fact he detests change may be a sign of aspergers .all appearing fine but socially a disaster and cannot cope with change and panicking and running away ..my hubby and youngest son sufferers .as long as life predictable its fine but through in any change and all hell lets loose .if your hubby always been like this it could be a possability

Moussemoose · 20/04/2017 21:05

Ask him for his plans.
OK we are staying so what do we do?
Act like you mean it and say he needs to get started on house hunting. Make him responsible for the decision to stay.
"You want us to stay so you need to make plans to support your decision" see how long it takes before he backs out and wants to move.

Or just ltb cos he is too much effort.

Therealslimshady1 · 20/04/2017 21:07

I would play this very carefully.

Ultimately you want to go to your new hob, WITH your kids,and with or without him.

To achieve this try to downplay the row, and pretend really hard to be reasonable and understanding, empathise, handhold, see if you can persuade him somehow to come with you, appeal to his reason by pretending to be reasonable.

Then once you are there, he can't leave with the kids without your consent anyway.

So yes, I would try to trick the trickster with the long term goal of moving on without him.

By leaving with the kids he has shown his true colours. Play him at his own game.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 21:10

Not aspergers, definitely fear and anxiety though. But it is very clear in my head that this does not excuse him in any way. It is shitty behaviour which is impacting on me and by default the dc. Plus, if I point out that it is anxiety based and encourage him to get support, he withdraws further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 21:12

Thereal I've come to the same conclusion. He's not taking this one away from me.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2017 21:15

This is about him having a tailor made excuse to do whatever he wants, duck out of domestic work, quite possibly spend more than the household budget on treats for himself and maybe even have sex with other women. Because you 'control' him and 'force him' to do things he doesn't want to do. Either that or it's about getting you to scurry round after him, feeding his ego and coaxing him with treats and blowjobs. Go ahead with the move and tell him he can follow in his own good time.

Therealslimshady1 · 20/04/2017 21:15

Good, think longterm. Put a cool head on and work on this.

aprilanne · 20/04/2017 21:18

i am saying this gently do you think he can actually help the fear and anxiety .my life has been a nightmare quite often because of hubbys anxiety our life is regamented .if say we are leaving the house at 10 to go holidays he starts shouting like a mad thing if its 5 past .some folk get so wound up they cannot cope .do you think he would see a doctor .the best thing my hubby did .he got behavioural therapy and while its a long way from perfect its a hell of a lot better .

littledinaco · 20/04/2017 21:21

What would he say if you told him that you will cancel the move, you don't want to go if he's not happy/never wanted to go in the first place?
I think I'd be tempted to say to him you've looked at jobs here and found a couple you can apply for, you're going to contact the letting agents so they can give notice to your tenants, etc. Maybe he would backtrack and say he does want to go and at least he would then own the decision. Not sure this is the best advice though as it's playing mind games which isn't good but I don't think I could carry on with him making out I had forced him into something. You then bear all the responsibility during periods of being unhappy over there where he can say he did tell you he didn't want to go but you still carried on with it.

What does he say when you ask him why didn't he say this before you let your house out/quit your job?

Is it a power/control thing? Him saying not to go last minute and you pleading with him to go through with it, reassuring him it will be ok, etc.
The fact that you're questioning whether you did push him into it is worrying.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 21:25

Hmm Solid none of that really rings true for me. Day to day he is a nice, dependable husband, very domesticated, punctual, hardworking, and I am very independent, I certainly don't do any coaxing or feeding of egos. It is literally just around major changes that this happens.

The irony is that after we do something big or exciting together, eg travel to an unusual place, he will gush about how he would never have done these amazing things if it weren't for me and he's really grateful he met me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 21:30

Just re-reading the last paragraph of my last post and seeing it written down makes me realise that he can't take responsibility for anything - even the good things? So when we do something great and it all goes well, it's thanks to me, when we make a huge decision and it might not all go well, it's also because of me.

Hmm.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2017 21:35

The type of anxiety issue he has is HUGE, he really will need professional help to overcome it. Any big change utterly overwhelms him, he's panicking, can't deal with it and this time has ran away.

If you don't have this sort of issue you can't really understand how primal the reaction is, your rational brain loses out to the emotional response.

MajesticWhine · 20/04/2017 21:37

Blimey, he needs some psychotherapy to sort this one out. Tell him you can all try out the new country for 6 months and see how it goes. Tell him you can come back if it's not good, (although you won't mean it). Would that help just to get him on the plane?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 21:37

Solid is right.

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 21:50

Littledinaco when I asked why the frick he didn't say anything before we'd got to this point he said he did and I didn't listen, I "never" listen. But I can almost guarantee you that in 6 months time if all is going well he will be telling me how wonderful it all is and how it's all thanks to me!

I don't think Solid is right, actually. I think Random is right. But it just isn't acceptable to me! I'm not his emotional punch bag and I'm not his therapist.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 22:03

But you are

Original poster
Withorwithout · 20/04/2017 22:04

Ok AF, I'll bite. What would you do?

OP posts:
littledinaco · 20/04/2017 22:07

If you said ok, let's not move then if that's what he wants, would he go along with it or would he backtrack and say he did want to move abroad after all?

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