Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

Not surprised you were scared. She might come to her senses at any moment. You sound proud of being a lazy no mark. Are you?

Not really, we discuss this issue regularly as I wish to do more but seen as my wife has OCD it makes some things difficult.
I also, provide for my family financially, so I'm not as lazy as you'd wish I was.
I look after my wife, I know I'm not perfect and I have a list as long as my arm of things I've got to work on. But my advice still stands, people want everything when in reality they can't.
The OP has to let something go, as she's at breaking point, me and my wife would love to know why she wants to let her husband go, and not any of the other things in her life that make her so busy in the first place?

*Lwedji
*
Yep I'm so loved that my partner supports us all financially, pays for everything and I don't so much as have to look at a bill. As for diy that's his job too. Thanks for asking.

But you don't have a paid job for 40h/week.
See the difference?

And before you say she doesn't need to work, is it really that great to live off your partner?
And that's if he doesn't dump her leaving her depending on his maintenance payments or benefits.

Women, don't stop working.

Of course I see the difference, but I think op should be able to tell her husband to do it.
If she wants a divorce it should be over the fact he's stubborn and neglectful not because he won't put a bin out or change a bed.
Op has said he's a good husband in other ways, so I think what her husband needs is a telling off (teenagers included!) not a divorce in this circumstance.

Ah, so you didn't read the OP's posts.

So what do you suggest Lweji? You seem to have a great grasp of what the OP deserves.

Should she leave her husband because he won't take the bins out?

I don't mind living off my partner. We're a team and have been together for over half our lives since we were only 14.
I don't mind that he pays all the bills and gives me money for things I need, and in return he gets a dinner and clean bed to sleep in every night.
I honestly don't see what's wrong with that?.
Unless you have major insecurities about your partner leaving you should be able to rely on them for money if at all possible.

Erm. She has repeatedly told him. Over and over again (=repeatedly).

What does he do. Nothing.

I suppose for some people it's simple: just do this /that! I guess op is a silly thing. Especially to consider leaving her rich husband bcs he's never made a bed. I mean, she could just tell him: husband, make a bed or I'm leaving you. That would work.

I think op should be able to tell her husband to do it.

She did. A lot. But, also, why should she have to? He is an adult. Nobody needs to tell me to change the beds or take out the bins. Because I am an adult. Plus, if I don't do it, there's nobody else, and I don't care for bed bugs or maggots.
Imagine if the space in women's brains that is taken up trying to organise other adults to do basic tasks was freed up........

Iv read through all of OPs posts again and apart from the obvious annoying things that her husband is too lazy to do, I really don't see anything which tonne warrants divorce.
Call me all you want, but i just don't think I'd be prepared to quit a 29 year relationship over this, I might give him a slap or stop cooking his dinner but that would be as far as it went.

Just how the Ops life would improve on her own i don't know, she definitely wouldn't have it any easier.

I think this is a great overreaction. Especially when the solution would be easy.

Your teenagers can do the bins and you can get the cleaner to change the bedding.

You say he's never changed the bedding in 20 years. Well he also earns more and contributes more than you. Plus it's not like he doesn't do anything around the house.

I'm surprised that if you do love him, you didn't think of options. What I get from your post, is that you want him to do what you tell him to do. You want everything to be exactly as you say.

Changing bedding is very low on the list of properties for men. A recent survey said that men changed their bedsheets on average after 3 months.

I'm not saying that's right of course, but you can't make your priority another person's priority. You just need to draft in resources and be grateful for what you have.

I chuckled at the cleaner...I would love one, but they would have a nervous breakdown within a week. My husband works long hours at different times to me...we both work anti-social hours, and I think I work longer hours than him overall. However, I also do 80% of the DIY, rubbish deposit, looking after elderly mother, gardening, animal welfare, cooking and shopping while juggling two business operations, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats... I don't feel resentful and involve the kids aged 5 and 9 with tidying their rooms and putting the rubbish outside. Your kids are more than able to help, and should be made to as they need domestic skills for post-18 life. I support DH career ambitions as I respect he needs a goal to work towards. He does jobs on his days-off and shows he is part of our family by working at silly hours.

Divorcing your husband over the bins is a bit drastic...I am not sure if getting the recycling date wrong counts as 'unreasonable behaviour' in family court. It sounds as if there are far bigger issues going on here and you both could do with some marital counselling.

As a single parent who works full time and could never afford help I'm really struggling to see how you can be so exhausted. As PPs have said, you have a cleaner and three kids who are more than capable of mucking in. That being said you shouldn't be expected to do much more than him because you are a woman. Only you can decide if this is worth ending your marriage over. My guess is that resentment has built over the years and you don't really love him anymore as a result. If I'm wrong and you want to make it work, insist on counselling as well as getting a big rota up with jobs for everyone in the family to share

I might give him a slap or stop cooking his dinner but that would be as far as it went.

A slap?

You advocated telling him to step up, and if he ignored you, then divorce him for, effectively, abuse.
The OP HAS told him to step up and has threatened divorce if he doesn't. (Did you miss those bits?) What now?

BTW, I think this is sortable (see my posts), but in despair when people are told to ultimately duck it up because divorce is unthinkable.

I'll try again.

I despair when people are told to suck it up because divorce is unthinkable.

I am also struggling to see how you can be so exhausted on a 40 hour week with so much help!
I have younger children than yours and work similar hours as does my husband, we have no help and a large ish house but I don't think I would consider it exhausting.
I am sure there must be more to this as your domestic set up seems to be great to me, dream house and paid help to maintain it!

I don't see how he could do more, and it doesn't sound like you do that much. I think you would be doing more if you were a single parent wouldn't you, without any support at all, with less money?

Buy more help and get your three teenage kids to do more too, they should definitely be putting the bins out!

Not seeing the exhaustion either, you work normal hours, the children are teens and you have hired help to look after the house.

If he works longer hours than the op, then the op must expect to do more chores. If it was the other way round then he would have to. If you want the nice house and also work 40 hours a week then there is usually a price to pay....being knackered. I'm sure the DH is too. I'd get the kids doing jobs though.

This morning my husband came down as he was leaving early with our middle dd (7) she'd knocked some recycling off the side in the kitchen, he'd taken a loud phone call and left it there. Along with his dirty bowl in the middle of the work surface with a magnum wrapper in it!!!! This is what I find disrespectful.

I also think some people have different standards. If something is dirty unless it bothers him or I tell him he doesn't see it.

Resentment is a killer. Sounds like he's not using his time effectively and let's be honest no one wants to mother their partner.

I know how you feel OP, but only you can decide what to do. If you're willing to follow through with leaving, I would set it all out once again on paper - what the jobs are, when they should be done, how/if/when the cleaner's hours might be increased ... everything. Ask for an even split that you both agree on. If that's not possible, get a mediator involved. If he refuses or ignores it after days, leave.

The worst of all worlds is being resentful (rightly) but not being prepared to take the next step. It will get worse and worse for you all. I know this sounds like you doing all the work (again) but it sounds like your marriage is worth one last serious attempt at resolution and knowing you've done everything you can to try to resolve this.

What does he do. Nothing.

Apart from work much longer hours than OP does every week, cook at weekends, take the kids out, taxi them around ...

But of course that all amounts to nothing.