Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

I'm hardly institutionalised, my partner works all the hours god sends, so don't you dare tell me I'm institutionalised!!!!

I wouldn't ilove if she refused to pull her weight and didn't seem to care that her DP was unhappy. It's about inequality.

Well if she cares about equality then why didn't she buy the house??

What? This is about housework I think.

I thought this was about equality though?
I think the most serious aspect of this, is that she feels she has to divorce him because she's obviously not able to actually talk to her husband and tell him to chip in.

I may do all the housework, but if I tell my partner to do something, he'll go do it.

She has repeatedly tried talking to him. It didn't work.

In any case it shouldn't be her responsibility to make him 'chip in'. He should be doing his share as a matter of course.

And OP works full-time too. Why should she be doing ALL the housework & family organisation too?

Ok you're right!!
She should divorce him, sell the house, Split up the family.
Because he won't do chores as a matter of course.!!
No wonder there are so many divorces nowadays, so many broken families, and less and less old people on their first marriage. My grandmother did everything house work wise and they are still together and very much in love at nearly 100 years old.
People want perfection, and I'm sure you ladies aren't absolutely perfect in your relationships, I'm sure there are plenty of things you could do better according to your partners and husbands.
If she has indeed told him to help and he refused then he must be an abusive husband also, and therefore the divorce should be on the grounds of abuse, not inability to make a bleeding bed!.

I've only read the first post. Not read any comments since so apologies.

I will say this...

Fact: You're busy. Your husband is busy.

Fact: You're tired of being so busy, so you want to share the busy with your husband more evenly.

Fact: He's a great husband.

Fact: If you get divorced you'll still be busy, if not busier.

So....

Suggestion: Why not make your lives less busy? Go part-time, change jobs, lessen the bills, throw things out as you don't need half the junk you have in the house that takes time. Prioritise and simplify!!

Seems to me there are three people in this marriage; you, your husband, and all this busy.

Doesn't take a genius. Just me.

(((Side note, told my wife about this which I was scared to do as she does EVERYTHING in our house apart from puts the bins out. I do virtually NOTHING . And she even said she's FLABBERGASTERED at the fact your husband does sound like he does as much as you and you want a divirce over the chores. You even have a cleaner!!! My wife does everything you do, AND she doesn't even have a cleaner. My goodness!!)))

Ilove. Sweetie. Hush now.

Oh Lord. Your Mr ilove aren't you invalid.

Ok springydaffs love, are you divorced by any chance?

Eh? Springydaft?

told my wife about this which I was scared to do as she does EVERYTHING in our house apart from puts the bins out. I do virtually NOTHING

Not surprised you were scared. She might come to her senses at any moment. You sound proud of being a lazy no mark. Are you?

Well, better to be divorced than a skivvy. Less work too.

It's not the end of the world.

I'm no skivvy I care for my family because I love them. Ever heard of love?

What I would do is make a list of all the household tasks - not just dusting, vacuuming, laundry, meals, gardening, bins, but also bill-paying, child-taxi services, birthday card & present organisation, managing paid assistance (e.g. being the one who asks for the kitchen floor to be done today,) whatever else. Mark the ones already done by paid people (cleaner and gardener). Mark what you do. Mark what he does. Mark what the children do. This will show if my feelings of resentment are reasonable.

Show him the list. Ask him how he is going to resolve things so that you both have equal leisure time. You can already have ideas, e.g. which tasks can the children do, which can be done remotely, what more the cleaner can do if you had an extra couple of hours a week, and so on. But you want him to come up with solutions.

You could make it more complex by ranking each task by how often it should be done, or how much of a chore it is to you - I would do quite a bit of ironing (because I don't mind it) for someone who did all my vacuuming (which I do only because I hate walking on bits on the floor even more than I hate vacuuming.) Some chores seem more chore-like than others, and we don't all have the same views on which those are, so it is a factor in such discussions, even if not overtly. But you should expect some areas of disagreement, like how often bedsheets should be changed. (Daily, in an ideal world, but I have to do my own laundry, and it's not ecologically sound.)

Actually, most of this is me liking a good spreadsheet, rather than the best way of dealing with it.

Anyway, if he still doesn't step up after that (and it won't be perfection overnight - he needs to make it a habit,) then I'd do the moving into a hotel for two weeks thing, and if he still doesn't get it, I would know I'd tried to make him see, and he still doesn't care, so why not divorce then?

(I'm typing this from a hotel room - more time for MN away from home...)

Its not the bins. Resentment kills relationships. And feeling like you are always the one to make sure the dull boring shit gets done over the course of 20 years would make most people resentful. As for people questioning why she has to work FT - MN is obviously not what it once was

MN loses focus every time it concerns anyone who apparently has money or is posh. As if domestic misery is only allowed if you are struggling financially.

MN is obviously not what it once was

Indeed

She should divorce him, sell the house, Split up the family.
Because he won't do chores as a matter of course.!

He expects her to do them as a matter of course. If there are two fully functioning adults in a household, why should one of them not t

There's always at least one.

Ever heard of being loved?

...not do their fair share, but expect the other to do it all? Particularly if the one who does more had raised more than once that they're not happy with it. It's about not being treated with respect and consideration - why don't her views on it matter at all? Because that's what the action of not doing any more is saying.

My Dh worked away 5 days a week for 9 years. He still came home and sorted out his own washing, did his share of cooking, tiding, gardening and did diy etc at weekends. And I only worked very part time during the week but Dh knew I was bloody busy looking after the dc and running the house all week.

I feel for you op and suggest you get some therapy. No wonder you are upset and angry