Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

Do you love him?

Are you in love with him?

The answers to those questions should probably inform your next move.

He doesn't work much longer hours. She does the lions share of work, by far. She never stops.

Unless you consider non -paid work as non - work.

If you divorce your husband then you will have 100% of the dull housework chores and will still be working full time. That is my life and I cannot afford a cleaner.

My DH does not do the bins nor many other tasks that are typically the "man" tasks
For years I did those and the "lady" tasks too (laundry, groceries etc)
I was very annoyed and resentful and if I'd spent the day cleaning and the family messed it up in a few mins I'd be ready to kill
Sounds like you both possibly earn a decent amount of money
I now pay for a cleaner and someone does my washing too
I do grocery shop online and only have to collect it
Honestly has saved me mentally from feeling like the drudge while also working ft
If you can then get some help
Sorry if that all sounds a bit princessy!
For context I was raised to clean up after myself but DH was not and I was not happy taking over the role of his personal assistant from his mother !!!
We're all happier now as I'm not nagging and can spend free time with kids instead of spending all weekend angry cleaning and washing
I do appreciate this is a privileged position but if you're both ft employed there must be some compromise that is affordable

He doesn't cook at weekends: he cooks pasta on a Sunday night. He doesn't take the kids around if he wants a lie-in.

All those saying you are a single parent and have to do 100% on your own. Sorry to sound harsh but so what? You don't have a man child to clear up after/ cook and clean for. Also the Op will get some free time if she divorces as her H will have the DC I expect. he won't know what's hit him

God these threads are lead to a race to the bottom, some of you sound like the Yorkshiremen in that Monty Python sketch.

Just because some of you are willing to do more than your fair share, doesn't mean the OP should.

As for the whole working away from home crap, both DP and I have done it and unless its a 'event' trip ie; conference etc it's a doddle, someone else doing your cooking cleaning etc, evenings to do what you want, even more of a doddle if there are kids at home.

I've seen this happen in a few of my friends relationships; it's the lack of respect and the resentment that kills the relationship, some of them are still in the relationship and I see them becoming more and more bitter and angry and depressed.
Those that have left, yes they have more to do, but as one said 'At least there isn't some lummox sitting on the sofa watching me running around and refusing to shift to help'

OP; the bins are clearly the tip of the iceberg, and no you're not being unreasonable to feel angry and resentful.

Bit confused about the flaming the op is getting here? I'd resent him too. Only you know if a divorce is the answer, but why should one person do it all? It makes zero sense

OP's h working longer hours and travelling are his choice, and not justification for not doing his fair share of parenting and domestic work.

Well he also earns more and contributes more than you.

Could it possibly be that the husband has been able to earn more, as he has had someone at home in the week conveniently looking after his children and maintaining his home??

And FFS, the man is away half the time. When you are travelling for work, it can be tiring and boring, but at the end of the day you come home to a hotel. There's no shopping, bathroom cleaning, bed changing, cooking, homework helping, shoe cleaning, washing to sort, washing to hang, dog walking, vacuuming, child ferrying...
But, diddums, he works soooo hard.
Jesus wept.
And when he's home, he gets up late, he lies in at the weekend, takes kid to football,he cooks one meal. Do you women saying that he does plenty really think that? What's it like over there in Stepford?

And YY to the competitive Hard-Life.
You know what? I am a lone parent, 1 child. I was knackered working FT.I obviously don't have the stamina some of you do.
With 3 teens, a 40 hour week of paid work (not as well paid as Mr OP obvs so less of a contribution) and then doing all the household work on top I would be on my knees.

And she has a cleaner 4 hours a week. 4 hours. Yes, better than what lots of people have, but so what? Just because some of you are willing to become a domestic drudge, or go part time to take over your husband's share of housework, or work all the hours God sends and still feel sooo grateful for the fact the your man occasionally picks his socks off the floor, doesn't mean the OP needs to set the bar as low as that.
And YES, the teens need to step up, but they BOTH need to make that happen. Having a vagina doesn't automatically give you the ability to oversee the running of a household. Men don't do all this crap because they know we will!
I don'y know if you should get a divorce OP, but this thread makes me never want to get married!

From experience, try and resolve the situation in any other way than divorce...you and your family have an awful lot to lose and the sad thing is that heading for separation can become like a speeding train...out of control and very difficult to get off! Try and resolve the bin situation with a bit of humour...maybe give your husband a 'bunk up for bin emptying' voucher. Don't shoot me down for that comment, your husband sounds pretty lovely, I hope you resolve things and get back to a loving family life x

In what way, precisely, does he sound lovely?

And so lovely that she should prostitute herself in return for him doing stuff he should be doing automatically?

OP's h working longer hours and travelling are his choice, and not justification for not doing his fair share of parenting and domestic work.

Long hours and travelling often arent really a choice but a necessity based on spending. No' they ar not a justification for not doing his "fair share" but it is agreeing on what that "fair share" is that is the issue.

Well said IfNot. I've been thinking about this thread and my views on the flaming the OP has been getting. It's thought provoking

For my part I'm divorcing for much the same reason but I 'only' work part time.

Its hard running a home - with standards - whatever your status in life especially when children come along.

If you think of Victorian England the middle classes always had serious help, including live in maids and cooks. This also enabled them to have a cultured life and a social life - yes including feminist literary star Virginia Woolf!!!! .

I honestly don't know how women who work outside the home AND do the lion's share of family and domestic life cope. Unless they are those hugely energetic beaver types who never relax. Or live in a big run-down house (someone I know) and just take things very easy indeed. Or have the most basic personal and social needs and desires e.g. work, a bit of TV and bed.

I felt the OP was given a hard time, always a danger on threads on MN, and I feel sorry she was so pilloried when she is obviously struggling. I don't know what OP's solution is but I am hopeful this thread has not made her feel worse.

Hi everyone,

Just to say I'm still here and that I really appreciate all the thought everyone has put into their comments on my situation, even if things have sometimes got a little heated!

I haven't got anything else to add but thought I'd better just say something in the light of Timeless's post above :)

Thank you all

Toastandjam, I understand how you feel. My dc are younger than yours and we both work too. Although I am officially PT, I am out of the house at 7.30 4 days a week and bring work home every evening during term time. DH sometimes brings work home, but often has the evening free.

I am at the stage where I am considering stopping work, in order to spend more time with my dc and also to take some care of myself, as my health is suffering. It is relentless. You leave work and come home to do the second shift. Then once the dc are in bed, I start work again! When I am ready for bed, often past midnight, I'll sometimes wander to the kitchen and realise something needs to be sorted for the next day. It's not fun and I am knackered.

My dh also earns (much) more than me, and over the year, probably works longer hours, but he does more than yours at home. Although it is nothing like 50:50, he does a fair share at weekends and we share tasks when he's home in the evenings. The drudge work (planning everything for the week and cooking) nearly all falls to me though.

However, the reason he can work those long hours and accept those promotions is because he has the freedom of leaving when he wants and getting back when he wants from work - because I will sort it.

I don't really have any advice, but I think you've been harshly treated by some posters on this thread. I'm no longer in the position of being financially independent and although I love dh and dc, I do feel resentment about this. The poster who said it's all getting a bit like that Monty Python sketch about the Yorkshiremen summed it up, really.

What did he say when you threatened him with divorce?

Because if he seemed resigned and a bit put out, maybe he's annoyed himself. Maybe he doesn't want to live in this huge house with tons of housework in the middle of nowhere.

Also, maybe he's irritated because your kids DO NOTHING. I mean, it's pathetic. I didn't do that much housework as a child because my parents emphasized schoolwork but by 14, I did the dishwasher 2x a week and hoovered 1x a week! It took probably 45 - 1hr minutes out of my entire week! I was even paid for it! We had chores and a chore chart. Your kids open the curtains? That's it? Really. So your husband works 50 hours a week + but he's supposed to walk past your lazy as fuck teenagers to put the bins out?

Also just change the sheets once a month. Good god.

It sounds like you are a serious martyr and you want him to be a martyr along with you. You want to rattle around in this big house and be a slave to it and he probably cannot be bothered. I agree with him. Life is too short for this crap.

You can get divorced if you like but know that you cannot predict the consequences of it. You really can't. It may turn out a lot better but it could be a lot worse.

So am I supposed to 'feel grateful' and 'count my blessings'?

I earn about half what my partner does (this is because I am a freelance journalist) and these days he travels a bit so I'd say he works longer hours - he also has a commute which I don't. We have a cleaner for four hours a week. I do most of the cooking in the week, or to be honest more like three nights a week. He does most of it at the weekend. He does the garden - because I am not remotely interested in gardens - and car (ditto - he loves cars, I'd be happy to ditch it). I take more day-to-day responsibility for stuff to do with the kids but he takes DD2 to Saturday music stuff if necessary (I'm quite often working in the British Library on Saturdays). I'd say I have a much better grasp on the kids' lives, music lessons, parents' evenings and so on. My working pattern over the years has definitely facilitated his. And I paid for both my maternity leaves.

It evens out, but I suspect most of you lot would faint at how 'lucky' I am. What with him being a Busy Man and everything.

It's not HUGE house. It's an ordinary house, toast said.
And, if the poor, poor hen pecked little DH really didn't want to live there, I don't expect they would have bought it? He's probably not all that bothered, since he is away so much anyway.
And he is irritated that the kids do nothing? Is he going to DO something about that??
Or is nagging the kids and setting up chore charts toast's sole responsibility also?

mother I think your life sounds quite fair and relaxed, and you probably don't want to divorce your husband, so seems like a win-win to me!

So Apple what is the husband doing to get the teens to do more? Why is that the OP's job like everything else?

As for changing sheets once a month - eww.

IfNot

but a house in a remote location with a large garden is probably quite large though. I don't know what the OP considers large but saying it's an "ordinary" house doesn't mean anything at all. some people consider large houses normal. anyway she's admitted it's too much house for them and it's more work than the old house.

as for the choice to buy it, it's actually it's not that atypical that the partner who does the majority of the housework has more say in where they live. it's clear that it's the OP's dreamhouse. she's stated that. DH wasn't keen, clearly. were the kids keen?

look, you can demonise DH all you like but dynamics take 2 people to create. OP and DH. Instead of trying to cajole (or threaten) him into doing more work, why not just accept this whole thing isn't working and reset that dynamic? why not go to counselling? why not both be honest? my point is that she's very resentful but he may be resentful too. this doesn't sound like a case where the wife is running herself ragged and the DH is really happy or oblivious. Neither of them sound happy at all.