Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

I understand what you mean but he needs to have jobs where if he doesn't do it, it doesn't impact on you.
My dh does the grass, if he doesn't do it, it just gets longer...

Major over reaction, how on earth do you think people who work FT with no cleaner cope?

You come across over wanting your own way on everything, the house thing is huge. Who buys a house they know their partner doesn't like or really want.

What was his reaction to your ultimatum. I can't find any mention of that. Surely his words are important?

OP, I think you are getting some silly replies from people who can't see past you having a nice house and a cleaner.

You are pissed off with your husband for utterly ignoring you when you have asked for help. For effectively saying that all those jobs you do are beneath him, and so showing that he does not respect what you do, nor appreciate it. He is taking you for granted. I am not sure this is a divorce matter, but after so many years you must be close to breaking point. You are being 'disrespected' and belittled, and that is wrong and soul-destroying whether you live in a shoebox in the middle of the motorway or have a mansion, butler and bloody horse-drawn carriage.

If I were you, I would get really, really angry. Leave for a week, or 2 weeks. Go and stay in a hotel, near your work since you probably won't want or be able to take holiday (esp without the DCs) and have a break. Tell him you may be back when you are feeling a bit less pissed off with him. Leave him to it. Let him cope as he can. SHOW him you are furious. He clearly needs something really horribly unsubtle to take any notice of how you are feeling and for it to actually matter to him.

Leaving things as they are will just mean the eventual end of your feelings for your husband. They will slowly fizzle out, drain away. Make him understand that.

Sorry but by the sounds of it you don't know you were born.
Is this even a serious post???

Don't talk to him about it any more. It will only stress you out, which you can ill afford.

I d find this thread very disheartening, the reams of posters saying he's a poor lamb who works hard and you should be grateful for your lovely house and his VERY selective choice of 'jobs'. You have spelt. It. Out. to him how miserable you feel. And so he does nothing, or as close as. I am raging on your behalf.

I wish people would quit saying he works longer hours than you. You have at least two, if not three, full time jobs - two unpaid. He is away working a lot but that won't all be working hours, whereas all your working hours ARE you working. And still you don't have enough time to get everything done. You are working, actual work hours, much more than he is.

Yy I agree with pp's suggestions you utilise your kids more but that still leaves the gaping hole of, conveniently skirts around, the issue of the husband who doesn't pull his weight on the chores. Who shows absolutely no signs of pulling his weight and is fully prepared to leave the drudgework to you. Despite you repeatedly spelling out how thoroughly miserable you are.

Don't talk to him any more about it. Book a therapist and bash it out there re how to set effective boundaries, how to identify what you want and strategies to go about getting it, somewhere to channel your rage.

While you're doing that - it'll take a while - employ a housekeeper whose job it is to run the house, plus a PA whose job ditto. So that's two of your f/t jobs you've outsourced. And they'll be paid for it.

Then set to with your own career and make up for lost time re the time you spent pandering to his nibs. You may choose to keep the housekeeper/PA on. It may be the long term solution.. or it may not. Time will tell.

Time to invest in yourself.

You are obviously at the end of your tether and I'm not surprised. In terms of your DC's, their father is hardly a great example

Its either divorce or you go part time and up the cleaners hours

Totally agree with springydaffs.

I love how OP is getting berated for not getting on her teens about the chores. That's just her job too, eh? It's not easy when you have been given the unasked for role of Head of Domestics. They should be resenting a united front, and he should be setting an example.
Also totally agree with the poster who pointed out that husband can easily do lots of domestic admin when he is away. Its 2017 people. The internet happened.

And have you actually read what her DH does - or rather doesn't - do? She does everything. He occasionally takes the kids to football - though not if he fancies a lie-in and not to things that involve 'dealing with other parents' - and makes pasta on Sunday nights.

And people say the kids are lazy?

Sorry but by the sounds of it you don't know you were born.
Is this even a serious post???

Yes she is so lucky. She gets up, gets the kids off, goes to do a full day paid work, takes the kids to stuff, feeds them, does household chores in the evening. Goes to bed and starts all over again.

He lies in bed until late morning, works without having to commute then spends the evening watching tv. He goes to football with the kids on Saturday mornings (and not always), cooks one meal and he is some kind of plaster saint?

This is a man, father of three, who has never changed a bed in 20 years?

He is a lazy bloody arse and being a high earning lazy arse doesn't change that.

One other thing to consider is if you have DD's ask him how he would feel if they married a man who provided an income but didn't do anything around the home, leaving your DD unhappy and very tired.

This was the approach I took with DH and it worked. He currently has taken them out to the movies after doing the cleaning this morning while I had work calls.

Perhaps the children do so little because their father is their role model?

Using the leisure time rule makes sense to me. If you're not having equal time to just be, there's something wrong. And it's just as much his responsibility to sort it as yours. I bet he's not wondering how to get the kids to do more, how to make things more equal etc.., why not? Could it be because he basically doesn't see how unequal things are or just doesn't care? WTF is wrong with people who don't care that their partner is unhappy and that domestic arrangements are unequal?

I just think that there are more serious things to divorce over.
You have a lovely home and 20 years of marriage. He may be lazy helping out in the house, but he's not where it counts most.
A lot of men don't change beds or do housework, and if it means something to you for him to help out, it's something you need to discuss about not divorce.
I do everything in the house, and I'm currently a sahm but even when I have been a working mum, Iv done everything. It's not something I'm particularly happy about, but it's something I can get over given that my partner works 12 hours a day and can't often physically be there to help.

I just think that there are far worse traits a husband could have.

So because he doesn't hit her she should put up with inequality? Ok, great role model for the children there.

I think you need a holiday. Which will also make the rest of your family wake up to what it takes to run the house. Divorce is probably OTT & you will regret it.

I meant holiday - alone!

Anyone can leave their marriage for the reasons that they want.

If you feel that the balance of home/family/work/life isnt right then you can change it by leaving. Of course, this will mean that all of that will decline for you but at least you will be doing it for yourself and not feeling resentful that others arent doing it for you. After all, they wont be there with you so if you forgot the bins again then it would still be your fault.

At least he will be able to buy a house that he likes. And you can change the beds in a home that isnt what you want but at least the sheets will be changed.

Its up to you. If the seething resentment of living where you want, have access to what you need etc is too much you can leave him. Your career might get back on track and you will get satisfaction that you are only doing things for you and your DCs, not you, your DCs and your DH.

It's not ''helping out'!!!!!

And who are these 'lots of men not doing housework'? If they aren't doing it, why not?

Have I simply lived with a series of anomalous eunuchs??? They all seemed quite capable of getting the hoover out and changing the sheets and cleaning the loo...

If a man was on here saying he wanted to divorce his wife because she's never put a shelf up or laid a patio you'd all be screaming blue murder.

Is it too hard to understand that he could change the sodding sheets and do a bit round his own sodding house???

No but it's not worth divorcing over.

ilovechocolate - your post is one of the saddest I have ever read on MN. He's got you institutionalised.