Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

I saw this last year and sent it to my dh...It was so exactly how things are! I think you will relate to this op... truth

Just going to leave this here... www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

Nooka, you spend an hour and a half every night on chores?

And you don't think your house is much work?

I think you need to list all the daily, weekly, monthly jobs in different columns.

Then draw up a rota. You could easily have one child loading and unloading the dishwasher daily, another child doing any dirty floors daily and a last child processing the laundry daily.

The gardening - either pay a gardener or pay a willing child or neighbourhood kid.

Ask your cleaner to change the beds. Pay the cleaner extra time if need be.

Your husband should be doing his share of the remaining tasks.

Part of me thinks he fully doesn't understand what's involved. It might be worth you going away for a week with friends so that the weight of responsibility lies on him

I'm confused OP.

You work 40 hours, he earns a lot, is away a lot and works odd hours when he's around ( 12-9pm.)

Why not just get a cleaner?

Presumably you bought a house with land because you enjoy gardening. If not, why? Did you factor in the time to look after a garden?

Why don't you evaluate the number of hours of work you each do? (That includes his travelling time when he is away) And work out how much free time you each have.

If he is simply NOT AT HOME and works long hours, you cannot expect him to do housework as if he worked 9-5 M-F.

If on the other hand he is at home when it's 'bin day' and is just watching TV or whatever when he could be putting bins out, you have a point.

He's working those hours out of choice, from home, mind.

The income disparity is irrelevant. You need the same amount of down time

He's working those hours out of choice, from home, mind.

Well, apart from the half a year he's not even at home at all.

Why not just get a cleaner?

They already have one.

I will read all of this later but similar here. Workaholic husband who earns ten times my full time salary. I do everything except the bins I he's in the UK! He works a sixty to seventy hour week. I work a 45 hour week plus everything at home. I did all parents evenings, cooking, shopping, organising, ferrying around, organising moves, building works, holidays, cleaners, gardeners, Christmas etc. Still do although DC are 18 ad 22.

I have been incredibly privileged. I'm sorry but I think you need to get a grip and appreciate everything you have.

Yabu. The kids are old enough to take on a few chores, get them doing the bins. And give the cleaner a few more hours work to cover all the other stuff that you don't want to do. As for Christmas - it is what you have made it and as you hold the reigns, it is in your power to change it.

If I regularly walked through the door at 8-9pm, after two nights working away, to find a list of chores from my dp...

Why would there be a list...?

In my experience most men who "work long hours" don't always need to. My friends husband works long hours, and sometimes from home.
She does everything in the house, and with the kids, bar ferry them to sports training twice a week. He swans in at 7 (that's long hours where I live, not in SE), the house is clean, homework is done, tea is on the table...I always think, that's a nice life if you can get it.

My other friend has a very (and I mean very) high powered job. Her male colleague "work long hours". She works until half past five and goes home, because she makes sure she gets it done in the time she has, and she has young kids she wants to see.
She says that her male colleagues (who also have kids) will schedule meetings at 6pm, or go do lots of work related socialising in the evening, because " they all have wives at home".

And, again, when he is working away, (diddums) he is staying in a hotel not, presumably, toiling in the cotton fields.

In my experience most men who "work long hours" don't always need to

Oh yes, this. I have had male colleagues tell me explicitly that they aren't going home but will stay late in the office to finish something because the child bedtime routine at home is something they want to avoid. This does not improve my respect for them

It sounds like you are cutting UFC your nose to spite your face. If you split up because he won't change the sheets or put the bins out, you will then have to do both anyway. Plus fixing the computers, cooking at the weekends and paying the bills on your own. Could you afford a cleaner if he wasn't there?

I'd get the kids involved with doing jobs.

What was his reaction when you said at Xmas that he needed to step up on you wanted a divorce, by the way? Unless there are 100 other reasons you're not telling us, it's a pretty extreme reaction.

If I regularly walked through the door at 8-9pm, after two nights working away, to find a list of chores from my dp...

He doesn't. He works from home 12-9 after lying in bed in the morning, then watches telly whilst OP does a fully working day, kids to and from school/activities then the household chores.

If he is away he could do household admin from the hotel. Its what I and most traveling women do, sometimes men do it but a hell of a lot less IME. Lets quit this 'poor lambkin does hard job whilst wifey is polishing her fingernails' routine - she is working much longer hours than he is.

HE DOESN'T COOK AT THE WEEKENDS!!!!

I do wish people would stop repeating that he did - he often cooks Sunday supper. Are you confusing him with my partner who does cook at the weekends?

can I ask with teenage kids why they are not doing some chores and why someone is doing school runs--do you live in the middle of nowhere?

Are you confusing him with my partner who does cook at the weekends?

I assumethey are going by what the OP said in the first post "he cooks on the weekend" It was only later that this change to "a plate of pasta on a Sunday evening"

can I ask with teenage kids why they are not doing some chores and why someone is doing school runs--do you live in the middle of nowhere?

They do do some chores (see OP passim) she (not he) is working on getting them to more. They already do a lot more than DH.

Sounds like they don't live on main bus routes to me - you don't have to be far out of a town to need parental taxi service to get kids to and from after school activities, guessing this is why the ferrying is needed.

Still amazed at how many people on these threads think its quite ok and OPs should put up with any amount disrespecting DHs who regard them as a glorified housekeeper/childminder just because "he earns good money".

Has a man ever come on mumsnet and complained that he wants to divorce his wife because she never changed a filter/fuse in a car? It's metaphorical, but can you imagine a man getting very worked up that he and he alone does all things car/IT related(for instance, it could be anything else).
Why is it so important that it's her DH who actually rolls out the bins or changes sheets? She hates doing it, he doesn't want to do it, but surely his way of getting out of it is earning enough to allow them both to outsource what potentially causes all this aggravation? If he refused to do it and also got upset she then paid someone else to do it, it'd be a different matter, but surely he'd only welcome it? He probably doesn't understand what the problem is when he tries to earn enough for these things/chores not to feature in their life at all.

To the poster who separated from her OH over emptying the dishwasher, surely getting two dishwashers side by side would have been a far less drastic measure? That's what I'm determined to get in our new own house, but up to now emptying the dishwasher has been the kids' job from the age of 8-9.

I do all the car maintenance & DIY too. Just sayin'.

Has a man ever come on mumsnet and complained that he wants to divorce his wife because she never changed a filter/fuse in a car?

Yes because intermittent/annual-if-that tasks on a car are totally equivalent to the daily grind of repeated and thankless tasks.

I do all the IT tasks in our house/extended family. I don't pretend that holds a candle to cleaning out the toilets or laundry or other boring but never ending tasks.

I expect he is a coal miner and slogs horrible long hours at the coal face and comes home exhausted.

My DH has just retired, he was never around as DCs grew up, and has been catching up with former colleagues, reminiscing about the boozy lunches and what happened when they were working out of HK/ London / Aberdeen (add a dozen more) and laughing over the times they had.
Just because he works doesn't mean it's alwyas that hard.
But I don't think many (I'm sure there are a few) who find running the home and bringing up the children on your own, as DH is at work, is that easy, especially as you are holding down a job too.
I think it's his attitude of the form 'WhyTF should I bother my arse when I have a servant/ woman/ wife to pick up all the slack sod her it's her problem'.