Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

'So your husband works 50 hours a week + but he's supposed to walk past your lazy as fuck teenagers to put the bins out?'

So the husband walks past the teenagers, because it's the wife's responsibility to get them to do things?

I think counselling would be a good idea. You sound exhausted but speaking from experience being a divorced parent is like climbing Everest every day. ..you have to leave a lot of belongings behind and donate to the law society as you go

So the husband walks past the teenagers, because it's the wife's responsibility to get them to do things?

no but you can't have it both ways. Both OP and DH are responsible for the parenting model AND the housework model in the house. both of them. If he's in the wrong, then so is she. OP has a very warped idea of what housework is appropriate for teenagers. Are we going to pretend that she has no role in the current distribution of housework to them?

especially if he works longer hours, how is it more his fault that they don't do anything?

they even have a cleaner and she's about to file for divorce but her teen kids open a curtain ffs.

I agree they're both responsible but the husband is clearly doing none of it, hell he doesn't even do the housework himself, never mind getting the teens to do it.

i also think there needs to be some honesty about the house. it sounds like she felt she was getting no help fullstop so why the move to the larger and more remote house, thus upping the work? she said her teens would be happy to move back to their friends. can op be honest about what the conversations were around this move?

i'm not saying it's wrong but i'm saying that i'd like to know what conversations were had. i'm getting the feeling that DH probably raised the additional work but the op was saying things like "well i do most of the housework anyway" and at least implied some things in order to get them to move.

my point is that it seems like the OP is choosing a life that no one else wants. a remote country lifestyle that involves a lot of sacrifices that no one else wants. the teens don't want it. her DH doesn't seem to want it.

she's sacrificing for this life but i'm genuinely interested in whether anyone else actually agreed to sacrifice for it or really wanted it.

The OP has already said she's sacrificed her career and she does far more housework than she wants to. Is it the case that she also has to sacrifice the house that she wants? Does what she want not count at all?

So she gets to make everyone else sacrifice too? she gets to choose more work for everyone else? why does she get to control everyone else?

and she's made an affirmative intentional choice to up her housework by moving to this house.

He does the garden - because I am not remotely interested in gardens - and car (ditto - he loves cars, I'd be happy to ditch it).

This is the problem.
Women care about housework and men don't. Why don't you do the garden MI? - it matters to him so it should matter to you, according to this thread.

You are all rather like Rex Harrison singing "why can't a woman man be more like a man woman"

You're worn down by years of doing all the thinking, planning and doing. And his career soaring while you just about cling on to yours.

I understand

'So she gets to make everyone else sacrifice too? she gets to choose more work for everyone else? why does she get to control everyone else?

and she's made an affirmative intentional choice to up her housework by moving to this house.'

Her main issues are with things like changing beds, laundry and bins. Those jobs stay the same regardless of what the house is like. She is not trying to control everyone else, she's trying not be their servant.

So what is the OP prepared to change to make things easier? There are things that can be done but it seems like she's made a rod for her own back to a certain extent and doesn't want to.

Her main issues are with things like changing beds, laundry and bins. Those jobs stay the same regardless of what the house is like. She is not trying to control everyone else, she's trying not be their servant.

they really don't stay the same. and the general amount of housework to be done probably increases so much that the focus is now on these "smaller" tasks.

and, again, if she's not trying to be someone's servant, then why is she increasing the amount of housework overall and why is she a servant to her kids? and trying to make her DH one too?

I'm not sure if you've read the OP's posts Apple. Where does it say she wants her DH to be a servant to her children? She wants her DH to change the sheets on his own bed once in 20 years.

So the husband walks past the teenagers, because it's the wife's responsibility to get them to do things?

Kind of, because she is the one who isn't happy with how things are though, not because she is a woman.

they are both servants to the children. she doesn't want an equal distribution of housework between 3 teenage children and 2 adults, she wants her DH to step up, in other words, for them both to slave away on her dream home whilst her kids do nothing.

'Kind of, because she is the one who isn't happy with how things are though, not because she is a woman'

Right, so the husband not only gets out of putting out the bins, he also gets out of parenting his children?

i read her posts btw . that's how i found out that her kids make their beds and open curtains .

'they are both servants to the children. she doesn't want an equal distribution of housework between 3 teenage children and 2 adults, she wants her DH to step up, in other words, for them both to slave away on her dream home whilst her kids do nothing'

I agree that the children should definitely do more. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it's not too much for the OP to expect her husband to change his own bed sheets, does it?

Right, so the husband not only gets out of putting out the bins, he also gets out of parenting his children?

no, but she doesn't get out of it either. she has to take some responsibility in this.

you can make this about how terrible her DH is (and it sounds like you are determined to) but she needs to be honest about how they got here.

I agree that the children should definitely do more. But that doesn't take away from the fact that it's not too much for the OP to expect her husband to change his own bed sheets, does it?

how can he have "his own" bedsheets? don't they sleep in the same bed? shouldn't she change her own bedsheets?

see how the rhetorical tricks don't really mean anything.

It's not rhetorical trick, I said 'his own' as opposed to his children's bedsheets. They are hers too, and she does change them and has changed them for the last 20 years. She wants her DH to also change them but he won't.

you can make this about how terrible her DH is (and it sounds like you are determined to) but she needs to be honest about how they got here.

I never said he was terrible. You seem to be implying that the fact that her DH won't contribute to the housework is her fault?

Oh dear, having said I have nothing else to say, I'm afraid I do think I should just pop back in again to respond to Apple and a few other posters who seem to have the best interests of my family at heart but are posting based on limited information.

Firstly, at no point have I said I live in a massive house. It is a perfectly normal-sized 4 bedroom house, so yes bigger than some but hardly a palace - if that somehow makes a difference!

Secondly, I said this house was my choice, not that everyone else dislikes living here. Even though it was my idea to move here, everyone likes this (normal-size) house, so you can rest assured on that front.

This whole post has been very thought-provoking. In particular, I really think I have to get the kids to do more, not least because a lot of the work for me comes from letting them do pretty much any activities they want so there has to be a bit more action from them I think.

Even if the odd poster has been a little more blunt than strictly necessary, I appreciate all the responses and hope others have enjoyed the conversation too :)

Toast.

How about moving out for a week or so? Not so much a trial separation, but just so that he (and your teenagers) have to fend for themselves. It may make them appreciate how much you do. Are any of them doing public exams this year? If not, there shouldn't be too much disruption.

You might come back to a shit tip of a house, and how you chose to deal with that would be up to you. At times I have been known to put all items on the floor into a bag and take it to the charity shop.