I'd like another baby, partner doesn't

[crazyredhead]

After arguments and even brushing the subject off, I've now decided to come to you lovely MN mums.
Me and my partner currently have an 18 month old little boy who I love so much I could just eat him. Me and DP have been best friends for 13 years and it just developed into a relationship 3 years ago. He also has another boy who is 8 with his ex who he hasn't seen since he was 5/6 months old. I am desperate for another baby, and always say I'm not greedy. I'd just like one more. DP is adamant he doesn't want any more and is happy with DS. We've have arguments to the point I've walked out and all sorts. My best friend has told me to just try without him knowing but I don't want to do that nor can I, he is insistent on using condoms now. He isn't even open to the idea of talking about it after thinking and just expects me to deal with not having another baby. But has also stated that if I could guarantee him a girl he would have another?
Please help!

Dear god! I've got a daughter, and I bang it into her head, don't touch blokes with kids with a 10-foot barge pole! You're only young once, great hair and skin, why waste it on some loser with baggage when you're footloose and fancy-free? This guy sounds like a total loser. I'm with El here, I wouldn't have had no. 1 with him much less want to have 2 with him.

Yeah I've had it all today haha!
Had my tears, even made me go funny with him..
Although I am slowly seeing what everyone is saying.

I've really set myself up for crap haven't I?
I'm slightly annoyed at the comments "I wouldn't have had #1 with him"
As much as people may think that's a bad move, that's still my son you're referring to. So maybe tone that bit down a bit?
I love my son to pieces and wouldn't change him for the world.

As for him being a loser, he still is a lovely bloke.
Every other aspect is fine, it's just this issue he's being a prat on and I don't know why.

Christina I've asked him, he just says he doesn't want another.
There's no reason behind it and I've tried to coax a reason from him, I don't want the arguments so given up now.

I'm in the mind set of setting a date to work towards, and if nothing changes then I'll have to leave and try and find someone who wants another baby.
I really love my son and I feel awful because OH loves DS so much, and DS really loves his daddy, but long term I'm going to be miserable which isn't going to benefit my baby.

I feel awful even writing that, but I can't do this much longer.
Even when I mention the issue you can tell in his face he doesn't want to have this conversation. He knows what he wants, and I have to respect that.

So you're going to split your family up to have another kids? [Hmm]

Have you told him this?

"You have two choices, either accept that he doesn't want any more children or you can leave him to find someone who will give you another child."

This was your advice earlier. I'm giving him until the end of the year as I've asked him to really consider it and we have an adult conversation. This gives him plenty of time to really consider it.
I can't stay with someone who I may end up resenting for it.
If I had stayed with him and forced him to change his mind, or tricked him I'd be judged..

I can't help how I feel, and if I'm going to be miserable, my son is going to pick up on it and it's not what I want either..

I don't take this choice lightly either.
I've been in tears all day.

He also knows there's a chance I could leave him because of this, he knows I'm currently unhappy with this whole situation.

The only response I get is "if you want a baby that bad, go find someone to have one with because I won't change my mind"

Fair enough, I hope everything works out for you.

FWIW a friend of mine was in a similar position, she left him and tore her family apart, a few years later he has moved on and is happy whilst she never met anyone else and she's very bitter and full of regret.

Just a word of warning.

To be honest, I really don't want to have to leave him.
The ideal situation would be I give him a good lengthy amount of time to just consider it. I don't want to rush him at all.

Time will tell I suppose.

As difficult as hard as it is, I think wanting a child so much is something that in some ways is non negotiable. You are young, you will regret it if you don't... the worst thing is to bully him over this, that can't come to any good. I agree with the hard but I think sensible idea of offering a deadline and otherwise preparing to leave him. Tell him you are having this baby with or without him. It's not about "breaking up" your family, It's about thinking very carefully (and kindly towards him) about what you want and building the life you want. Having children is one of a very basic desire, if you want a child you'll regret not doing it and then you'll be older and running out of time and choices. Don't do that. You are young.

Id be upset and annoyed by some posters on here too OP. You didn't come to be judged upon the actions of your partner, actions he took many years before he met you.

I was in a similar position, agreed to have 2 and around time Ds was 1 I mentioned 'when' we have another and he said no way am I having another. In the end it came to a huge massive argument. He said I had to choose to stay and just have 1 or leave. I said I'd think about it. Next day he asked to meet me for lunch and said I've been thinking, why don't we have another... Unbelievable. I think he realised how serious and angry about it I was (long story but how he came to the decision based on an argument when Ds was 8 months old). We went onto have dd a year or so later.

It's a big thing, it's not something you can let go easy. When he's ready I'd just tell him that, maybe you will come to terms with it but it does feel incredibly selfish he gets to change his mind and you have to live with it. Good luck - try and raise it again when things are calm and tel him you want a sensible conversation about it with no arguing

What the hell????

Think some of you need to fuck off with your self righteousness.

You know NOTHING of her DPs circumstances with his first son. Nothing at all but it really gets some of you worked up to the point of attacking the OP for her view.

My own view is that he IS taking responsibility by ruling out a third child. As hard as that is for OP he is obviously not some errant father spreading his seed and fucking off into the sunset.

OP, you need to respect his view. It's hard for you, I get that but you can't force a child on someone who doesn't want it. You need to accept this and then decide what you want to do. Whether that means reconciling yourself to one child or moving on. I hope it all works out.