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Original poster

I'd like another baby, partner doesn't

111 replies

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 11:22

After arguments and even brushing the subject off, I've now decided to come to you lovely MN mums.
Me and my partner currently have an 18 month old little boy who I love so much I could just eat him. Me and DP have been best friends for 13 years and it just developed into a relationship 3 years ago. He also has another boy who is 8 with his ex who he hasn't seen since he was 5/6 months old. I am desperate for another baby, and always say I'm not greedy. I'd just like one more. DP is adamant he doesn't want any more and is happy with DS. We've have arguments to the point I've walked out and all sorts. My best friend has told me to just try without him knowing but I don't want to do that nor can I, he is insistent on using condoms now. He isn't even open to the idea of talking about it after thinking and just expects me to deal with not having another baby. But has also stated that if I could guarantee him a girl he would have another?
Please help!

OP posts:
starzzzz · 15/04/2017 12:33

Something you do need to bear in mind OP.

If you have two children, and your partner decides to leave, you will not be subsequently entitled to tax credits if you met another man and wanted to have a child with him.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:34

Ellisandra
I am not following my friends advice. Hence " I wouldn't"
I know I'd feel awful if I was sabotaged into having a baby I didn't want/wasn't ready for.

JustHere
No, he has offered. But she has declined.
We have heard this is because if he pays for him then he is entitled to see his son. She outright refuses to let this happen.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:36

Sorry, I know I'm being harsh - and that's not fair to you.
He's the arsehole, not you.
He's the one that dumped one child, and then told you he wanted 2+ and now refuses to manage his change of mind with you properly Angry

FWIW fair enough to change his mind - really fucking hard for you, but in something this important you have to be able to change your mind.

But I think he has a moral responsibility to support you through that in a way that doesn't end up with you having to leave the house to avoid arguments in front of your son Sad

JustHereForThePooStories · 15/04/2017 12:36

It always amazes me just how guillsble done women are.

You're with a loser; spot having kids with him.

If you're not married and you're not working, you're very likely to be royally screwed over by this waste of space.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:37

No, sadly a father can get access without taking the appropriate financial responsibility.
(not sadly for the child - sadly for society)

For a man who wants to see his child, he doesn't sound like he's bothered to check the facts.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 15/04/2017 12:38

If he really had wanted to be a part of the child's life he'd have done something about it.

No wonder the ex told you where to go. I would after him having made no effort for the last 5 years or more since the child was a tiny baby.

Just curious but did he want a second child with you ? As in did he or did you suggest it.

JustHereForThePooStories · 15/04/2017 12:38

*Gullible

*"stop" having kids with

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:40

And of course if I hadn't been bothered enough about seeing my child to find out the FACTS, and I believed that paying maintenance would strengthen my case, what would I do?

I would open an account and put a monthly amount in it so I could show that in court.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 15/04/2017 12:40

Ah I see you'd already said. You were already well into the pregnancy when you found out.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:42

I'm a bit Hmm and the pair of you always agreeing to have 2 or more.
Given that you conceived after 9 months ish with him (together 3 years, baby 18 months) did you really have a proper conversation?
Or was it all mutual future fakey bullshit with no real thought behind it?

Floralnomad · 15/04/2017 12:42

The ex seems to have him spot on , she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and even prefers to go without money that she is entitled to to ensure that she has no connection to him - sounds like a sensible woman who made a mistake and knows it .( not saying her child is a mistake by the way just who she chose at the time to be the biological father) .

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:43

Okay, I feel as though I'm being attacked on this topic..

I have tried to push him to take more action, even messaging a woman I outright hate and asking her myself.
He may be an arse for not seeing his son, but this woman is no better either.. There's a lot more to their story, but in a way.. it's non of my business
But I can't make him do something. I have always said I don't agree with it.
I was a child who's dad walked out on me and for years didn't know half of my family.
I've tried to the best of my ability to get him to see his son, tried to get her to let him. Nothing.

But as ive said he is a fantastic dad to our little boy.
And even with arguments, we never argue infront of our son. There is no tension, it usually blows up when he's gone to bed and even then.. there is no raised voices.
I refuse to have an environment like that around my son due to my upbringing.
When I walked out and took my son to my mums. he didn't know any different. Was just the same atmosphere as when I usually take him to see his nana

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/04/2017 12:44

I think the person who doesn't want another child gets their way. Sorry.

If it's more important for you to have another child, I think you need to find someone else.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:46

We had always spoken about having 2+ and it randomly changed when my son was around 3months or so?

It was a very heartfelt conversation not one of those "oh lets have 10 babies"
It was always, "we could financially cope with 2, 2 would defo be ideal for us both"

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:52

So there you go.
You started by saying it was his ex's fault he didn't see his first son.
But now you say you've tried to make him.

Look, bottom line is that this man is not a good father.

He might be a good father to the child you currently have.

But in general good father terms? No. He's not that bothered about his own child. So I don't think it's a bad thing that he doesn't want another one with you.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

I only have one child due to deciding that her father was too much of an arsehole to have a second with. I've made my own mistakes! I cope with not having a second by thinking of the people I know who never even got to have one. Mine is IVF, so I know plenty of people from that time who weren't successful. I find that I can't get too upset at only having one, when I'm so fortunate to have that one.

Floralnomad · 15/04/2017 12:54

The fact that he told you to go find someone else if you want another baby says it all and seriously OP that's what you should probably do .

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 12:55

I don't think his opinion randomly changed at 3 months, btw.

By 3 months, babies are no longer theoretical but hard work and life changing.

Plenty of people think they'd like 2, have 1 and then think - now I know what it's like, one is enough!

i have no issue with him changing his mind. But I think he's an arsehole for dumping a previous child, and for stringing you along with bullshit about guaranteeing a girl, and because even though it's not his fault he changed his mind, the fact that he has hurts YOU and it sounds like he's doing fuck all to help you through that Angry

beekeeper17 · 15/04/2017 12:57

It's really tough when you both agreed what you wanted at the start and then he's changed the goalposts now when you already have a child. Can you have a discussion with him about why he has changed his mind and try to see his point of view, and then you may be able to help him see how he can overcome his reservations? This might hopefully be more productive than getting upset and walking out.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 12:58

Yeah whenever I've spoken to him about it or tried to get him to, it's the rejection that knocks him back.

He used to have him on his own all the time until she started a relationship with the man she cheated on him with.
His mum convinced him the baby wasn't his due to her cheating (I know this for a fact because his mum has no problems telling me she allegedly knows he isn't his)

It's his choice re legal route.. I can't do it for him.

And I admire your choice, but they say some people were born to be a mum, and I think I'm one of those people.
I love my son so much i cant't even explain, but I feel theres room in my heart for 1 more.
Like, there's something kind of missing without having another baby.
And I feel like utter crap saying that because i feel like people will think my son isn't enough.
It's just hard to explain without making myself sound like I don't appreciate nor count my lucky stars for my son.
Because he really is my world

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 13:01

Hi beekeeper
He is very stubborn. I had to beg him to consider the possibility so we could chat about it towards the end of the year, even then I don't think he is.

I've tried to be understanding and have even looked into counselling to help come to terms with things, but the "looking at each others point of view" seems to be one sided here.

I'm in no way looking to jump start having another yet.
I've said to him I'd like to just talk about it towards the end of the year.
But trying to talk it through doesn't seem to do much. I just get "I'm not going to change my mind" and that's that.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 13:06

I think it's difficult as there's no reason behind his decision. It's just straight no "/

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/04/2017 13:06

He'll have another if you can 'guarantee him a girl'? Ugh.
He sounds, at best, very immature, as, tbh, do you with your talk of people who 'were born to be a mum'. It's not about what you think you were born to be, it's about this potential child and the parents/father it might be exposed to (a particular worry if it's another boy, it seems).

He's almost certainly not as blameless in not seeing his older son as he has made out.

Strictly1 · 15/04/2017 13:07

I do think that lots of posters are being unfair on him. We don't know the full facts and there are women out there who use their children as weapons. As for taking it through the courts, this is hard and costs money; sadly the fathers I know who have done this have often gained little. At 19 he was incredibly young. Yes, he made a choice not to pursue contact but to make out that his ex was right and he is therefore nothing but bad is unfair with the info we have.
With regards to having another baby, he has been fair in that he's been honest; he doesn't want another baby. You now need to decide what is more important to you and your little boy. Not nice but reality.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 13:12

I am actually fed up of being called immature. It's actually rather irritating now.
So because I feel like being a mum is a second nature to me and I've literally raised my siblings from the age of 9, I'm immature?

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 13:14

And yes Strictly at 19 too when his mum has put poison in his head rather than being there to help him, this is what has happened.

His mum even tried to posion him against our son with telling him my baby wasn't his. He's older now and knows differently.
And yes court fees are ridiculous. She never liked him having his son on his own. I remember her always making excuses even then to not let him.
There is only so much rejection you can take over time.

OP posts: