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Original poster

I'd like another baby, partner doesn't

111 replies

crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 11:22

After arguments and even brushing the subject off, I've now decided to come to you lovely MN mums.
Me and my partner currently have an 18 month old little boy who I love so much I could just eat him. Me and DP have been best friends for 13 years and it just developed into a relationship 3 years ago. He also has another boy who is 8 with his ex who he hasn't seen since he was 5/6 months old. I am desperate for another baby, and always say I'm not greedy. I'd just like one more. DP is adamant he doesn't want any more and is happy with DS. We've have arguments to the point I've walked out and all sorts. My best friend has told me to just try without him knowing but I don't want to do that nor can I, he is insistent on using condoms now. He isn't even open to the idea of talking about it after thinking and just expects me to deal with not having another baby. But has also stated that if I could guarantee him a girl he would have another?
Please help!

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 15/04/2017 14:43

You can self rep with a £215 fee. It would be understandable if he had taken legal steps, costs spiralled and he couldn't afford to keep going. But he has done nothing. He hasn't even tried.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 14:44

Of course I don't know the boyfriend's ex Hmm
She could be a right piece of work.

Interesting that the two posters with experience of the court costs have something in common though... they actually bothered to try.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 14:47

Thank you so much NameChangeShamed
I literally have regretted asking people for advice on this page..
I feel like utter shit. lol

And for the record Ellisandra
that "normal" parenting feel.. doesn't happen to everyone.
I know women that it hasn't happened to. despite them being fantastic mothers

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 14:49

Look guys, I don't want to get into the court fees and such.
At no point in my question did I ask how much court fees were, nor did i ask for opinions on that issue with my OH..

OP posts:
NameChangeShamed · 15/04/2017 14:54

Stitchglitched - unfortunately in most cases it's not as simple as just a £215 flat fee, however for £215 it's worth a try to show that an attempt has been made if that's what the person wants to do.. but that isn't what OP is asking.

OP try and take it with a pinch of salt; my first ever MN post ended up with me sat in tears thinking I was the worlds worst step mum. Brush it off honey and enjoy your BH weekend.

stitchglitched · 15/04/2017 14:55

Ok. It is just that you said court fees were ridiculous and sooo much money I wanted to make sure that you were aware of how much an application actually cost. If you are satisfied that your partner is taking no action for the sake of £215 I'll leave you to it. All the best.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 14:57

NameChangeShamed
Thank you my lovely. I feel less silly for crying at my laptop now.
But defo don't think I'll be posting on here again.
I can see now why some mums suffer in silence.. :( hope youhave a good easter weekend. Easter Smile

OP posts:
Onemoresliceofcakewonthurt · 15/04/2017 15:08

Sorry I've NC since my last post Blush

Stitchglitched we tried the self representation option and excuse my language but we may aswel have thrown £200 in the piss pot Angry pretty much nothing put forward was taken seriously until we had a bloody good solicitor behind us but that's for another post. Admittedly ours cost more as DSD's DM was as difficult as possible and refused to show up for paid mediation, hearings etc. However a friend has just had a quite straight forward self represented court hearing with her ex and it still cost into the thousands.

crazyredhead - eat lots of chocolate, I usually find that helps Wink have a lovely weekend x

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 15:12

Onemoresliceofcakewonthurt

Thank you hun,
I think that's what stops him, because to a court.. just putting £ in an account as and when he can and a scrapbook with letters etc isn't seen as doing enough. So it's gona take a hell of a battle.. and going into the thousands in one go is just not happening. I don't know anyone that can find that kind of money. And he has said he doesn't want to get us into severe debt and put our little boy out too and potentially not have the outcome he wants.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 15:15

crazyredhead I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I think it would be short sighted to leave - there's plenty of good advise, as you saw yourself. If you also come across posters you think are arseholes Wink then just ignore us.

If you had never mentioned his first child I would have stil made all the same points about him not supporting you emotionally through him changing your mind. You deserve more than that, everyone does.

I hope I'm wrong about him, and that there are more children for you in your future.

Ellisandra · 15/04/2017 15:19

Aaaaaaargh - keep telling myself I'll step away from this Grin

Who is telling him that a scrapbook isn't enough?

He needs to taken decent legal advice.

Mothers with fantastic reasons to deny access are frequently posting on here at their frustration that they can't! Even with this long passage of time, courts recognise it can be very important to children to have contact with both bio parents.

If he wants to see his son, if he wants both his sons to know each other, he really does have a great chance of making that happen. OK, he's not going to put in a £215 application and have EOW access a week later. But I would be really surprised if a court said "no, you missed your chance".

He needs to fight for this, if he wants it.

stitchglitched · 15/04/2017 15:26

I've been through family court, I know what an expensive and stressful ordeal it can be. My point was that he hasn't even started the process. 8 years ago legal aid was more readily available and he did nothing then either.

Anyway OP I've replied to your pm and sent you a link. I wish you all the best going forward and I hope you get the outcome you want.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 15:28

Ellisandra
Thank you for the apology.
I get it don't get me wrong, always difficult to come across how you want over text isn't it?

I think I'm just gona go with a deadline and go from there...
If things aren't better or theres nothing to work on then for my happiness and sanity I'll leave.

I've read from plenty of women who ended up on antidepressants etc because of this issue. I won't be one of them

OP posts:
Birdsbeesandtrees · 15/04/2017 15:28

I'm truely sick of people coming on threads for advice then throwing tantrums when they don't like the advice and whining that they won't bother to post again. Happens all the time. Along with the "thanks soooo much to the helpful posters who agree with me" posts.

You already know what you want to do/hear and don't want to hear other opinions so why post ?

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 15:31

LOL, I'm not throwing tantrums because "I didn't hear what I wanted to hear".
I didn't know what I wanted to hear.
But I had some good advice from one lady and have chose to go with that.
I'm annoyed because I had people focus on something that wasn't going to help me with my issue. Just make me feel like utter shit

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 15:32

And it was the advice, it was being called immature for no good reason that has upset me..

OP posts:
Onemoresliceofcakewonthurt · 15/04/2017 15:34

Birdsbeesandtrees I think there's a difference between not liking someone not agreeing and not liking when people are unnecessarily rude and go off on tangents about irrelevant bits that have come from nit picking at a single comment.

I'm truelly sick of people who comment on posts with no advice, purely to spit their dummy out about how people choose to take someone else's comment.. but here you are Wink

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 15:37

Stitchedglitched
I have received the inbox. Will show him.. We always thought itd be within the thousands to get the application going as we got "free legal advice" and were told an initial figure to get the ball rolling that made our mouths drop to the floor. Was told with what had done to try wasn't going to be a strong case.

Atleast 1 good thing has come of this post I suppose

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 15/04/2017 15:56

I agree he should have made a case years ago, putting a scrap book together isn't much it doesn't make up for trying. My ex's father wasn't in his life until 11 he has a relationship with both step dad and his real dad so it can be done, there has definitely been issues from both his dad and his dm but its worked out.

Its never too late and he may have to build up access in court centres but I think as a father its something that should be encouraged. I could't be with someone who didn't see there kid, i've been that single mom its hard. My ex messed about didn't see him for ages but when I got DH he actually bucked his ideas up and we went to court started small contact centre and he now sees him twice a week. I do think its sad your concerned about a potential child when theres one already out there who doesn't know his real father or his half brother.

starzzzz · 15/04/2017 17:35

Here's why I think the tax credits advice is relevant.

I think OPs partner will have another baby with her. I think she is young, possibly hasn't done much yet, and motherhood is something she is excelling at. It's giving her confidence and a sense of purpose and it's easy to create a cosy little tent with you and partner and babies and - the other woman is just nasty. Right?

Until that's you. And you're left with two tiny tiny children and reliant on benefits. And if you have two children, that's your lot benefit wise.

It's something to be aware of.

Original poster
crazyredhead · 15/04/2017 18:20

I really love how judgemental people are.

Thanks a lot for your 'input'.
No i dont think this woman is nasty, if you read my post, I've known my partner for 13 years. So have also had the 'pleasure' of meeting this said woman.

I only want 2 babies because i know thats what i can afford with and without him.. im no reliant on benefits at all. The only benefit i receive is through child benefit. Im by no means rich, some months i just scrape by.. but i refuse to let the country pay for my child by claiming every benefit going.
So im not at all fussed by tax credits. Thanks for the 'concern'

OP posts:
starzzzz · 15/04/2017 18:26

I'm not judging you, mate. I'm judging him, but not you.

Coz I think the day will come where you'll want to set up home with a decent man and have a baby with him.

Lewwat · 15/04/2017 18:39

Christ on a bike.....

Maybe you should repost OP and leave out the detail about you DPs child!!

SparklingRaspberry · 15/04/2017 19:16

I think you're getting a hard time here OP.

I also don't think your partner is a rubbish father. Even legal action doesn't always work out the way we'd like.

You're gunna have to try and talk to him. If he doesn't even want to have the conversation then you have to decide whether 1 child with him will be enough, or whether you should break up and find somebody else to have another one with.

Good luck!

Christinayangstwistedsista · 15/04/2017 19:32

Have you asked him why he changed his mind?

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