I'd like another baby, partner doesn't

[crazyredhead]

After arguments and even brushing the subject off, I've now decided to come to you lovely MN mums.
Me and my partner currently have an 18 month old little boy who I love so much I could just eat him. Me and DP have been best friends for 13 years and it just developed into a relationship 3 years ago. He also has another boy who is 8 with his ex who he hasn't seen since he was 5/6 months old. I am desperate for another baby, and always say I'm not greedy. I'd just like one more. DP is adamant he doesn't want any more and is happy with DS. We've have arguments to the point I've walked out and all sorts. My best friend has told me to just try without him knowing but I don't want to do that nor can I, he is insistent on using condoms now. He isn't even open to the idea of talking about it after thinking and just expects me to deal with not having another baby. But has also stated that if I could guarantee him a girl he would have another?
Please help!

Also HeteronormativeHaybales, I have no worries if I was to have a 2nd child with him and it be a boy.
There is no risk for my son or potential future babies.

*Something you do need to bear in mind OP.

If you have two children, and your partner decides to leave, you will not be subsequently entitled to tax credits if you met another man and wanted to have a child with him*

Am I the only one who thinks this comment has fuck all relevance here.

OP I don't know the background of your dp, and I don't care too. The lynch mob is out in force tho I see.

In direct response to your ACTUAL problem..... His not wanting more kids trumps you wanting another. I'm sorry. No one should be forced to have children they don't want. On the flip side children should not be forced to have a parent who doesn't want them.

I won't comment on the child he doesn't see, as I've no experience myself and it's not really what you've asked.

With regards to another baby, I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We have a daughter who's 6 months old, she wasn't planned and he never wanted children, which he was always very open about (I know that's different to your situation)
It's taken him time to come to terms with us having dd and he doesn't want more.

I'm a only child so definitely don't want dd to be a only child though.
Any conversation we've had as kind of come to a stalemate, of one of us saying we'll do what he other wants to avoid breaking up. To be fair it's always him agreeing he'd have another, if it's what I want. I don't want another in that way though.

As difficult as it is, I've issued a ultimatum in a way. He's got until I finish uni, 3 years from September, to know what he wants.
I'm obviously hoping, between now and then, he loves being a dad so much he'll want to do it again.
I know in my heart, I won't be happy not having another child, so it will be a deal breaker for me.
I'm also only 19, so have got plenty of time to meet someone else, if it comes to that!

I know it's not easy, but I think you need to think about what you'd miss the most. The chance of another child, with someone who wants one or your partner.
Also, you need to think of practicalities, if you spilt you'd have shared care of your first dc and he'd potentially have a step parent. Is that worth another baby? You might never meet someone else, or not someone who ticks all the boxes, what then? And of course age can be a factor.

Lewwat
I agree, I'd never force him to have a baby he doesn't want, and would never have a child that it's daddy didn't want.

This is the first post I have posted on this site asking for advice on the subject, and after the name calling etc I have received it may very well be my last!

Emboo19
This is what I'm stuck with.
The ideal situation is he changes his mind again and we can have another! Though that is looking extremely unlikely.
I'd gladly sacrifice my happiness for my sons, though in the future is my boy knows I'm unhappy.. he will in turn become unhappy due to vibes etc.
So I'm in a no win situation right now!
I've known DP since i was 13 and he's always been there. I'm just lost with the whole situation.

I know in my heart I won't be 100% happy if I have to "settle"

A friend of mine had a baby, his ex refused to let him see her.

He was 16 years old, he got a second job, worked all the hours he could get. He paid for his solicitor, he paid all court fees.....he didn't stop until he was given access to his daughter.

He'd paid a hell of a lot of money through solicitors fees to gain access to his daughter.

He was 16 years old.

Just saying!

Try to ignore the unpleasant posts, it's not personal, you'll find them on a lot of threads.

I don't really have any helpful suggestions I'm afraid. In a lasting meaningful relationship both partners need to feel valued and need to be open and honest with each other. Yes, you'll have to compromise on things as you'll never agree on everything, but it's much easier to find a compromise you can both live with when you can understand and accept each other's point of view. Unfortunately he's not even allowing you to understand what's going on in his head, just saying he doesn't want another child with no explanation is not helpful, especially when he knows that you do.

I guess I would keep trying to make him see how important it is to chat to each other openly and honestly, especially about these big life changing decisions, and to understand and value each other's opinions.

Good luck, I hope you can both come to a decision that you'll be able to be happy with.

It's so difficult Op.
I feel for you, I know I'm not done with having children. I loved being pregnant and the newborn days and I'd love that again. But more importantly I want another child, if it didn't happen naturally id look into adoption or other means. I just don't feel done with one child.
I know if I insisted my boyfriend would have another, as he wouldn't want us to break up. I want him to want another though, and that's different.

summerfling
that has no relevance to my question though..
Sorry if I'm gona sound harsh but on this post ive been called names.. my oh has been demonised for stuff they know little facts of because I'm not going to give gory details on my oh's past...
actually fed up now..

your post had literally no advice for me...

OP don't worry, not everyone on here attacks you for every minor comment. You learn to have a thick skin and be able to tell the lynch mob to shove it when they start nit picking and getting personal.

I've been in a slightly similar situation with my DH; he found out he had a possible 6 year old that his ex hadn't told him about (they split as she was cheating and stayed with the other person who was playing Daddy to his DD) he demanded a DNA test, sought legal advise and when DD's DM realised he wouldn't back down they had a DNA test and she now lives with us 3 days a week. It was a long, stressful and bloody expensive experience and was difficult at first for his DD to understand such a change but in the long run, was so worth it for both parties. But anyway, whilst all this went on we were also trying for a baby and in the meantime had our DS who is now 2. I told DH I desperately wanted another child however he was dead set against it. I eventually agreed with him it wasn't a great idea given our circumstances then however have since changed my mind and want another DC. We discussed it at length and he said as much as he loves me and our DS, if I want another child it won't be with him and if I choose to leave he'll accept he was partly responsible. It's such a hard situation to be in so I completely understand how you feel

Sorry I haven't really given any advice but just want you to know you're not alone.. and certainly not immature for asking genuine advice.

You realise that feeling that your child is your world, that you could just gobble them up, is actually just normal parent feeling?

Not for everyone - obviously not for your boyfriend. But it's really normal.

The thing you have to decide, is whether it's worth staying with this man and only have one, or whether you should move on.

If he was a really great partner, honestly I'd be saying stick with him, your existing family is more important than more children. Especially I would say this as it sounds like you're mid 20s so lots of time. You should never wait just because he might change his mind - but if you would stay anyway, it's always a bonus if you have enough fertile years that it could happen.

I just don't like the sound of him - so I veer more towards, why wait around when you won't get the family you want, AND he isn't a great boyfriend. I know that I'm being really judgemental based on a few posts. I know I could be wrong about him. But what I see here, what I possibly wrongly infer here, is:

• a man who couldn't be bothered to keep contact with her child (there's only so many excuses - and I'm always at the cost of court one. Cos actually no it doesn't cost a fortune to start it, and anyway what could be worth more? I spent £5K on IVF for a possibility of a child. He didn't spend £500 on getting back one that he had. There are some heartbreaking stories of thousands spent and parental alienation on here. But no - I don't buy the 'court is expensive' line from anyone who hasn't even paid for the first step)

• he is utterly dismissive of your feelings and pain in this. Go find someone else. To an extent, I get that if he doesn't want another child, there actually is no discussion to be had. But there are two ways that can go - into arguments so bad you leave the house, or into him holding you as you cry about your feelings and apologising to you (without changing his mind). No - you get arguments and "go have them with someone else"

• I'm also not convinced he was ever committed to this idea of 2. You didn't come off BC to TTC, you came off for medical reasons. He didn't expect you to get pregnant. Not if 7 doctors said you wouldn't. I don't think that he actively chose to have the child you have now. Well - he did actively choose to take the risk, I mean that he was in a place in his own mind of committed TTC. It's almost certain that his first child wasn't planned. So... I just don't see this man as someone with a committed interest to having a family in the first place - so chances of him changing his mind to have another are pretty low. Another reason not to hang around.

I think a PP who put timescales on has made a difficult but good decision. I would just suggest that you keep your deadline pretty tight, because I don't see him changing his mind.

wasn't committed to TTC, not was*!

It sounds like he's unfairly moved the goalposts. He agreed to 2 or 3 children and now he's changed his mind. It's his prerogative to say that of course but I'd be pretty miffed going into this stage of life and then have the goalposts moved. It's not fair.

I'm so glad some women on here finally get it.
Yeah he at have been naïve at the time it all happened with DS #1, but it's happened. And he feels he could pay out soo much money we just don't have to see him for the courts to say no because it's been so long. that and the psychological affects it could have on an innocent 8 year old. What they didn't ask was what he has done in the mean time, there's not much £ in a bank account, but there's some in there for his 1st born, and letters he has written him, every 6 months since he stopped seeing him. As well as pictures of them together in a scrapbook for if/when he may want to find his dad as the lovely ex has stated she will be telling him about his bio dad..

He's very stubborn and a pain in the ass but has been this way since I've known him.
It's very difficult to accept a sudden change of heart with no reason, and as much I love him.. I can't make myself unhappy either.
Looking at it will have to make a deadline and go with it.. Just really hope for my little families sake it doesn't come to that

"money we just don't have".
Yet you had the discussion that you could afford 2 children.
Come on, be honest with yourself.
I will never accept a man who says he couldn't afford to get access to his child, yet went on to have more.
It's not because of the money, it's because bottom line he doesn't want it enough.

That's why I think it's a mistake to wait very long in case he changes his mind. Your "born to be a mum" feeling? He does not have the "born to be a dad" feeling.

As for psychological effects... more excuses.

Doesn't he think that the psychological effects would be more manageable for an 8yo than, say, a 14yo?

I have an 8yo - they are far more flexible at this age than older. If I had to gently tell her that her dad wasn't her bio dad, and she was going to meet her bio dad, but just for an hour over an ice cream and mummy would be with her - and her stepdad too, well - I'd far rather that than break it to a teenager.

If I had to gently tell her that her dad wasn't her bio dad, and she was going to meet her bio dad, but just for an hour over an ice cream and mummy would be with her - and her stepdad too, well - I'd far rather that than break it to a teenager

As fabulous as this sounds....
A. Has fuck all to do with the post
B. Is not the decision of the OP or her DH and probably never would be. Breaking that news would be up to the child's mother..... Who again is fuck all to do with this thread

What is has to do with the thread, is OP is making a stay or go decision about her boyfriend, because he doesn't want a second child.

I think the "go" decision is easier if the boyfriend is a flaky type who comes up with excuses rather actions to see his son. I see psychological concerns as an excuse.

Ellisandra
I have been nice and polite to you, but now I'm getting really ticked off with how judgmental you are being.
Yes we can afford 2 children... but not court fees because I don't know about you, I don't plan on spending grands on 1 thing for a baby.. they cost a lot yes.. but over a period of time..
not in one go..

So if you are only here to attack my comments and try and put me down even more, please... remove yourself from this thread..

I've had just about enough of rude people like you today..

There is no excuse.. my dad walked out on me when i was 13 months old... i was raised by another man as my dad and didn't find out until i was older he wasn't my dad and it was the right decision. I have been that child...
So at 8 years old when hes only ever known the man she shacked up with as dad.. I think i wouldn't want to ruin his world either..

It costs just over £200 to make an application to the family court. If he hasn't spent £200 on anything else in the last 8 years then fair enough but I doubt it. And if he can't afford £200 to secure rights to his already born child he has no business making any more.

I've already had some good advice from women on here who didn't attack me from the word go..

Do than you to those women, I have now made a decision and will go with it.

Thanks again!

Ellisandra - do you know OP's first child's DM as you seem to be convinced that your opinion on that situation is very black and white and perfectly relevant. Although OP has mentioned the situation, that isn't what she wants to discuss yet it seems all you want to do is discuss OP's DP as negatively as possible. Perhaps you've made your point, put yourself out to make OP feel shit about her OH and now you've said your piece you hopefully feel better about yourself.

My DH took his ex to court for contact and I can promise you the court process cost a damn site more than the 2 years of my DS's life.. and before you start, yes we did do it step by step as advised by a solicitor and followed through on every single process recommended. The solicitor alone cost more than £500 but you carry on making OP's DP sound unreasonable for not having the money to take his ex to court. Your negativity I'm sure is really helping OP's situation

OP I genuinely hope you resolve the situation and are happy with whatever decision you make.

Hopefully next time you post on here the ladies with pitchforks will be on a day off

I haven't attacked you and put you down at all.

I have attacked him and put him down.

I have also given you advice which may or may not be good, but is not disimilar to other posters.

You want more children, and I just feel really sad for you that instead of supporting you through the upset that he has caused, your boyfriend just argues or refuses to discuss is, or tells you to go have them with someone else.

He doesn't sound like a great boyfriend to me, and I'm sad for you if your dream of more children doesn't happen because of a boyfriend who wasn't worthy of you anyway.