I think my husband is abusive. Advice needed please

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We got together when I was 20 (I met him when I was 17), he is 8 years older than me.

I remember after the 'honeymoon phase' about 6 months in being completely shocked by his behaviour and crying pretty much every day and the stuff he would say to me. The first time I remember it happening was when he was getting ready for a job interview. I came over to him and asked if there was anything I could do to help and he said, "Just fuck off for a while so I can get prepared." No-one I had cared about had ever spoken to me like that. I was so shocked, but I put it down to nerves. I went up to him about 10 minutes later and said, "Are you OK?" and he said "JUST FUCK OFF ALRIGHT!?". Probably should have seen the red flags waving wildly in the wind, but I didn't.....

Our relationship continued with him being totally controlling and verbally and emotional horrible. I spent my whole 20s not seeing my friends. He got me fired from the job that I loved because he called me all day and emailed me constantly and made me leave work early one day (He said if I didn't leave he would turn up at my office and scream at me infront of everyone). ... Which he had done before at my previous job..... SO I left, they went through my emails, saw him emailing me 60 times a day and fired me.

Things settled down a little bit, but he used to push and shove me when we were fighting, punched me in the face once, bruised my arms from grabbing me so hard. I think I ended up just complying with every demand because I didn't want it to end in a fight.

Throughout my 20's I probably went out once every 4 months and had to be home by 10.30pm. The few times that I did stay out later he treated me like shit for about the next 3 months.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now 31 and have been with him this whole time. We have 3 beautiful children together, but I do everything for them and everything around the house. I am permanently exhausted and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy, sleeps in every weekend morning and doesn't ever do anything with the kids so I can take a break. I am done. I have 3 children, I don't need a giant man- baby making me get him up for work every morning, having all his work clothes ready for him, lunch made for him, dinner ready on the table when he gets home and then he sits on his laptop all evening whist I run around doing everything for the boys, (4,3, and 1). I put them to bed and then have an hours worth of cleaning before I can sit down and relax (and then I'm up 2/3 times a night to do night feeds).

Writing this I can pretty much see that he is abusive. He no longer hurts my physically but he calls me 'horrible wife / wench' infront of the boys. Calls me stupid. Refuses to let my mum see the boys or to help me in any way. Wont let me ask anyone for help with the boys. I still never see any friends, he drove a massive wedge between me and my 2 best friends....

So I know that I need to leave, but he is a dirty fighter and I'm so scared he is going to try and take the boys off me, try and use all our money fighting in court so I have nothing left, poison the boys with lies about me, quit his job so he doesn't have to pay child support....and the biggest one of all....kill me. One time we were fighting and he told me if I ever tried to take the kids from him he would kill me and my mother.

This is so long and if anyone has made it this far....what do I do and will it be better if I leave or will he just be 100 times worse?

Advice much appreciated.

Maybe the note that you leave when you do get away could be worded along the lines of:

"X, I have left you and the children are safe with me. If you wish to arrange contact with the children please do this through my solicitor's XYZ & Co on XXX XXXXX".

This will remove any doubt that you are trying to take the children away from him right from the outset, and the nature of his previous threats etc - it ensures he won't know where you are and that you don't have to make contact with him. Based on the abuse and threats it may well be (unbeknownst to him) that the contact would be supervised because he's clearly unhinged!

Will probably be useful to speak to school in private as well as regards to the situation and not to release the address/contact details to ANYONE.

I would also change my mobile phone and mobile phone number but KEEP the existing phone. Don't look at it, don't communicate with him on that phone on the existing number as undoubtedly he will send texts that start off all nice and will ultimately cycle round to nasty and then possibly threats. You can keep this as evidence and use it to take out injunctions against him with regard to you, your children, your new address, and the school. And to show evidence that he is a danger and not fit to have unsupervised contact access to your children.

I agree with everyone else who says you must not tell him and I'm adding my voice to this as well because I feel there is still a tiny little part of you that harbours a very very small belief that it could be the better way. It isn't. You can't reason with stupid and you can't reason with abusive. You cannot predict how he will react and it could be way way worse than you imagine - it's just not worth finding out. In terms of just going being appropriate or not, just the bare facts of the threats to kill and the ownership of a gun is enough grounds and no one in their right mind could possibly think badly of you - ever - that you made that decision because it's for everyone's safety.

He doesn't care about having the children 50:50 . If he cared about them he would spend time caring for them right now. I know you want to believe that's what he wants but it's not .

He wants to control you. That's ALL he cares about. He will use the children to control you, that's all they mean to him.

So there's not a " correct" way to leave that will make him OK with it. The best way to leave is the one that is safest for you and the children.

Please listen to the excellent advice you have had on this threading get in touch with people who can advise you on the law in your area.

And what he's talking about re his personality ( I'm an INTJ therefore I'm abusive ) is also complete bollcks so please ignore it. His abuse is nothing to do with his personality, it's his belief system.

I don't have much to add but I wanted to post anyway.

Please phone womens aid. I can vouch for them , they are amazing.

I was you over 10 years ago OP. I spoke with WA , made a plan and got out. It wasn't easy but now my family are safe , happy and we are doing okay financially.

You've got a tough few years ahead but be strong , you can do this OP. I know you can do this because you've survived years of abuse and you're still here , fighting for your kids.

Good luck.

I'm hoping all the posters repeating not to tell him have gotten through so I'm going to say something different...

Do NOT leave that file of papers in your house.

You are different now you want to leave, it may show in the tiniest way to him and he will look.

Gather stuff ONLY when you can get it out of the house the same day.
Take money ONLY as you're about to shut the door for the last time.
Try very hard to behave as you always have.
Don't start pushing back as your resolve grows, carry on doing everything without complaint if that's your normal, don't argue if you never have, don't start demanding he pulls his weight if you never have.

Good luck

I don't also like to comment about the bank account, the one you are going to open and transfer half of the money from the joint accounts.

Make sure this account is in a completely different bank. And make sure that none of the joint accounts need a notice period for withdrawals.

I've been thinking about you. You know what, just GO. Wait til he goes to work, pack up the DC, get your 50% of the money (or as much as you can get anyway) in cash and GO to your mum's. Get right away from him. As soon as you get there, see a solicitor.

Nothing you have, not furniture, not papers, not money, not a job, not your children's school is worth the way you're living right now. Nothing.

Furniture can be gotten later, a little home can be gotten later, papers can be replaced, a job and a new school can be found. But your life, and your children's, are simply too precious to risk.

I totally agree with Acrossthepond. I walked out with the clothes on my back and waited a month to be able get our stuff (accompanied by my dad and the the threat of the police in attendance too) but it was the best thing I've ever done.

Don't delay. Get moving as soon as you can and don't look back honey.

Echoing the others. Do NOT tell him! My v ex was like him, they are dangerous people. Tell him nothing. And please please call 1800Respect (australian 24 hour dv line). They will help you put together a plan and give you resources to call. I've used them and they are wonderful. Thete's also Rosie Batty's 'never alone' website too. You could also ring your local dv unit at the police station and your local DV support service. There are also victim support workers at lical magustrates courts who can talk you through getting an AVO/IVO. Take every bit of evidence you can (threatening texts, posts on websites etc) and get an application in order and ready to go for when you and the boys are out safely. He won't know about it until it is served. Don't give him 50% custody. Give him nothing. He's using a classic abuser tactic of threatening you through the children. Please don't let him.