I think my husband is abusive. Advice needed please

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We got together when I was 20 (I met him when I was 17), he is 8 years older than me.

I remember after the 'honeymoon phase' about 6 months in being completely shocked by his behaviour and crying pretty much every day and the stuff he would say to me. The first time I remember it happening was when he was getting ready for a job interview. I came over to him and asked if there was anything I could do to help and he said, "Just fuck off for a while so I can get prepared." No-one I had cared about had ever spoken to me like that. I was so shocked, but I put it down to nerves. I went up to him about 10 minutes later and said, "Are you OK?" and he said "JUST FUCK OFF ALRIGHT!?". Probably should have seen the red flags waving wildly in the wind, but I didn't.....

Our relationship continued with him being totally controlling and verbally and emotional horrible. I spent my whole 20s not seeing my friends. He got me fired from the job that I loved because he called me all day and emailed me constantly and made me leave work early one day (He said if I didn't leave he would turn up at my office and scream at me infront of everyone). ... Which he had done before at my previous job..... SO I left, they went through my emails, saw him emailing me 60 times a day and fired me.

Things settled down a little bit, but he used to push and shove me when we were fighting, punched me in the face once, bruised my arms from grabbing me so hard. I think I ended up just complying with every demand because I didn't want it to end in a fight.

Throughout my 20's I probably went out once every 4 months and had to be home by 10.30pm. The few times that I did stay out later he treated me like shit for about the next 3 months.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now 31 and have been with him this whole time. We have 3 beautiful children together, but I do everything for them and everything around the house. I am permanently exhausted and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy, sleeps in every weekend morning and doesn't ever do anything with the kids so I can take a break. I am done. I have 3 children, I don't need a giant man- baby making me get him up for work every morning, having all his work clothes ready for him, lunch made for him, dinner ready on the table when he gets home and then he sits on his laptop all evening whist I run around doing everything for the boys, (4,3, and 1). I put them to bed and then have an hours worth of cleaning before I can sit down and relax (and then I'm up 2/3 times a night to do night feeds).

Writing this I can pretty much see that he is abusive. He no longer hurts my physically but he calls me 'horrible wife / wench' infront of the boys. Calls me stupid. Refuses to let my mum see the boys or to help me in any way. Wont let me ask anyone for help with the boys. I still never see any friends, he drove a massive wedge between me and my 2 best friends....

So I know that I need to leave, but he is a dirty fighter and I'm so scared he is going to try and take the boys off me, try and use all our money fighting in court so I have nothing left, poison the boys with lies about me, quit his job so he doesn't have to pay child support....and the biggest one of all....kill me. One time we were fighting and he told me if I ever tried to take the kids from him he would kill me and my mother.

This is so long and if anyone has made it this far....what do I do and will it be better if I leave or will he just be 100 times worse?

Advice much appreciated.

I will be able to get everything I need in 1 go. He often goes away for work for 4 nights every few months so I could even get a removal van and take all the beds etc if I wanted to....

Or even do it during the day whilst he is at work...

Don't tell him. I know that seems more reasonable and you think you can control his anger maybe slightly better by not totally pissing him off but you have zero control of this man and your boys need a mum and they need to be raised away from his influence so don't tell him anything.

Nothing you can do will make him worse or better than the controlling man he already is - and when you remove yourself from his control he is most likely to do anything and everything to get the control back - this is why you need to make sure you are safe - if you do leave - dont even bother replying to any messages he sends because with a controlling man (who, lets be honest here, captured our heart by being wonderful in the beginning and then getting us to feel sorry for him.) its NEVER about love - they have no idea what love is. If all his explosive/disruptive behaviour does not win you back - he'll just move onto the next poor woman - and do exactly the same. Please don't dupe yourself thinking you are 'special' to him - you're only 'special' if he can totally control you.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING!

Let the police know - he will need to store his gun with a third safe party if he has threatened to kill you.

You are so very brave. Inwork s with women who have suffered domestic abuse. The flash point and the point he is most likely to really hurt you is when you leave. Sadly he may also hurt your children to get to you.

To keep you all safe: Make sure he does not find this thread. Or get an inkling that you are going to leave. Once you do leave remember he does not have a right to see his children if he is abusive. He will play all manner of awful games with them and you and potentially hurt them too.

The police will help you leave if necessary and help you get your stuff. Thinking of you.

OK, I wont him I am leaving. I'm not sure how I would have done it anyway cos I would hate for the boys to be i danger whilst I tried to reason with him. Then what, I go and sleep in one of the boys rooms and lie awake all night incase he comes in and tries to kill me... sounds awful.

I think I will organise a rental, get 50% of the furniture moved, take 50% of the money and then call him to tell him what I have done? Or meet in a public place? Obviously not tell him where I am living.

He will want to see the boys, but he has never even fed them, got them ready for bed, cooked them dinner,gave our baby his milk, changed a nappy etc I don't know how on earth he would look after them! Would the court take that into consideration? How much custody do you guys think he would he get?

*won't tell him I am leaving

Yes if he has guns you MUST involve the police, they will take this very seriously. Tell women's aid about this too.

You're not alone. The MN massive stands with you.
Gather help and info. Plan. Police. Bit by bit it will work out.

Ok just be very careful now you have decided. This is the time when they realise something has changed and start to do things like check your posting history, so make sure you are regularly changing passwords and name changing on here, clearing history on your computer etc.

Also, he may change his work away days just to flummox you.

I would really strongly urge you to not even call him and certainly don't meet him in a public place. You don't owe him an explanation or anything. If you absolutely insist you need to tell him something just leave a note maybe saying you've left and wishing him all the best for the future. Nothing more than that.

Court will consider that but he will dispute it. Like I said you have evidence though and if you keep any texts, and if police are called whenever he threatens you or your family the court will consider all that. The key point will be that he might actually pose a risk of emotional harm to your children

Make sure how much money you can transfer in one go before you leave and how you can do it. If it's a joint account you might not be able to take much. Start dripping cash you have taken out into an account, nothing too noticeable but ever £20 will count later.

Should you ever need it, for police or court, remember there is evidence of a pattern of coercive control,which is a crime, right here in your posting history on MN.

Another one saying don't tell him before you leave.

Leave, be safe, then tell him, if you want to. But why not just leave a note for him to find when he gets back if you need to tell him? Do you really need to see his reaction? However he finds out you already know how he's going to react.

OK. I might log off soon so I can clear my history and then create a new history before he gets home from work.... but I would really appreciate as much advice /support as I can get. I'll check again as soon as he leaves for work tomorrow.

I will definitely involve the police and womens aid and won't tell him I am leaving. It won't be any time soon as I need to plan everything carefully, but hopefully it won't take too long.

Op it's so important that you speak to women's aid. They can answer all your questions and help you get a plan in place. As others have said a partner is much much more likely to kill you after you have left them so careful planning is much needed and definitely police involvement.
He sounds extremely dangerous.
Congratulations on finally having the guts to get out and start a peaceful new life.

Well done on getting to this point of making the decision and it sounds like you've got a lot of strength yourself to see this through

Please god be careful...i dont want to frighten you but he sounds like the type of man who would kill his own kids to get revenge on his wife for leaving him...
You must go to the police x

When you leave can you go to a place he doesn't know. Turn off location services on your phone and check for any apps that basically allows him to track you. Switch off your iCloud if you have an iPhone.

Most importantly don't tell him what you're doing, just go one day whilst he's at work.

He'll likely cry, apologise profusely, make you think that he can change, make you think that you've made a big mistake.

Have you ever reported his behaviour? If not I would feel inclined to report the death threat, if possible get an injunction preventing him from going near you.

Any further threats, verbal abuse, threats, you call the police.

It would make it unlikely he would see his children without supervised contact.

Take your share of any savings, I don't know who earned it, but it's 50/50 split if you're married. His behaviour is awful, I really don't blame you for wanting to leave him, he shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you, making threats, calling you names, isolating you from friends.

If he has access to your bank, get that stopped ASAP.

If you call a domestic abuse charity they'll be able to talk through it in more detail.

Hi there,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

If you'd like to discuss your posting history with us - please do mail in (or report) at [email protected] and we'll do what we can to help.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Well done on planning your exit.
Womens Aid can help you do it safely.
They will advise with regards to guns and who to contact.
Good luck escaping this nightmare life.
You'll get there.
Just get as much support around you as you can.

Good luck op xxx

Haven't read the full thread but it sounds like you are being really brave in a scary situation. He sounds 100% textbook abusive, violent or not.

You have got used to living by always anticipating what will set him off and trying to minimise it. It's understandable you'd be thinking about the breakup in the same way, i.e. how can you handle it to provoke the least confrontation, how can you manage his reaction.

You can't. Don't plan it around him, plan it around your safety and what's best for your boys. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your support.

I went and saw my mum last night. I can't see her during the day because he has banned her from seeing our children because he says she is a sociopath (?!) and I'm always with them during the day. Just another way to isolate me as much as he can. He also refused to put any of the boys to bed so I didn't get there until after 9pm...

My mum said she has some money in shares which I can borrow off her until I get back on my feet. She also suggested some good lawyer friends that she thinks might be able to help me. She is desperate for me to leave him, not only because she barely gets to see me and never gets to see her grandchildren, but because she is a doctor in psychotherapy and has always warned me about him and is worried he will hurt me.

I am definitely thinking I can manage his reaction better by talking to him about the breakup. I feel like if I antagonise him by just leaving he will be on the warpath and literally do everything in his power to hurt me and make my life hell. He is crazy when he has a vendetta. He never lets go of a grudge. I've seen how he acts towards people that he thinks have crossed him.

I will report any more threats to the police.

To be honest, I'm almost hoping that we have a big fight and he threatens me / hits me etc so I can call the police and they can take him away and then I can leave and he will feel like the guilty party and not put all the blame on me. Although, knowing him, even when he did hit me he used to deflect any responsibility and still to this day says he didn't do it with a closed fist so it wasn't a punch. (It was).

I'll make sure the boys and I are safe and then tell him. I'll call a helpline and get as much info as possible.

Thanks again.