I think my husband is abusive. Advice needed please

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We got together when I was 20 (I met him when I was 17), he is 8 years older than me.

I remember after the 'honeymoon phase' about 6 months in being completely shocked by his behaviour and crying pretty much every day and the stuff he would say to me. The first time I remember it happening was when he was getting ready for a job interview. I came over to him and asked if there was anything I could do to help and he said, "Just fuck off for a while so I can get prepared." No-one I had cared about had ever spoken to me like that. I was so shocked, but I put it down to nerves. I went up to him about 10 minutes later and said, "Are you OK?" and he said "JUST FUCK OFF ALRIGHT!?". Probably should have seen the red flags waving wildly in the wind, but I didn't.....

Our relationship continued with him being totally controlling and verbally and emotional horrible. I spent my whole 20s not seeing my friends. He got me fired from the job that I loved because he called me all day and emailed me constantly and made me leave work early one day (He said if I didn't leave he would turn up at my office and scream at me infront of everyone). ... Which he had done before at my previous job..... SO I left, they went through my emails, saw him emailing me 60 times a day and fired me.

Things settled down a little bit, but he used to push and shove me when we were fighting, punched me in the face once, bruised my arms from grabbing me so hard. I think I ended up just complying with every demand because I didn't want it to end in a fight.

Throughout my 20's I probably went out once every 4 months and had to be home by 10.30pm. The few times that I did stay out later he treated me like shit for about the next 3 months.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now 31 and have been with him this whole time. We have 3 beautiful children together, but I do everything for them and everything around the house. I am permanently exhausted and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy, sleeps in every weekend morning and doesn't ever do anything with the kids so I can take a break. I am done. I have 3 children, I don't need a giant man- baby making me get him up for work every morning, having all his work clothes ready for him, lunch made for him, dinner ready on the table when he gets home and then he sits on his laptop all evening whist I run around doing everything for the boys, (4,3, and 1). I put them to bed and then have an hours worth of cleaning before I can sit down and relax (and then I'm up 2/3 times a night to do night feeds).

Writing this I can pretty much see that he is abusive. He no longer hurts my physically but he calls me 'horrible wife / wench' infront of the boys. Calls me stupid. Refuses to let my mum see the boys or to help me in any way. Wont let me ask anyone for help with the boys. I still never see any friends, he drove a massive wedge between me and my 2 best friends....

So I know that I need to leave, but he is a dirty fighter and I'm so scared he is going to try and take the boys off me, try and use all our money fighting in court so I have nothing left, poison the boys with lies about me, quit his job so he doesn't have to pay child support....and the biggest one of all....kill me. One time we were fighting and he told me if I ever tried to take the kids from him he would kill me and my mother.

This is so long and if anyone has made it this far....what do I do and will it be better if I leave or will he just be 100 times worse?

Advice much appreciated.

Honestly and truthfully you need to speak to Woman's Aid, or your local DV charity and they will sort things out, plus prepare a plan of escape.

Not to scare you, but you just don't know what could happen. Ideally he'd be amicable, but control freaks and men with personality issues are best kept at arms length.

Is it Sarah's law that allows women to check if their partner has a history of abuse. I don't know how you go about logging it, but that's something else to consider. Would you like another woman to go through what you have?

DON'T TELL HIM

I've been in a similar situation, he owned guns and weapons too. I knew he would kill me if he could.

In the end, I literally picked up my child, and we left with the clothes we were wearing, my phone and purse and got in a friend's car.

You ABSOLUTELY CAN leave. You can make it on your own and be safe. DON'T underestimate him or his anger, if he thinks you're going to leave, in his mind, he has nothing else to lose and will get desperate.

Good luck

Omg please please don't tell him, he could end up killing you all

Hi,

Wow it is a resounding no to telling him!

He only threatened to kill me if I took the kids away from him, not if I left him and gave him joint custody and still let him see the kids. That's why I was going to tell him, so that he was more amicable about it, not thinking I had taken the kids and start plotting to kill me.... Does that make any difference or do you think he will just hurt me regardless? I'm pretty sure he was serious that if I gave him 50% custody he would be fine. But I don't want to do that....

We have had massive fights before and he has said as long as he gets 50% custody then I can go. Although not sure how that would work, as our 3 year old has massive separation anxiety and is autistic and won't leave my side, let alone go anywhere with my husband without me. We also have a 1 year old who still feeds up to 3 times a night (he has never done a night feed - or a day feed). He could probably look after our 4 year old, although he has never tried. Thats what scares me too, that he will get joint custody and get so overwhelmed looking after them he will do something stupid cos he has never looked after them. He doesn't even watch all 3 of them for an hour so I can have a break.

I have collected all important documents and put them in a folder together so I can just grab them and leave if I have to, but I think as long as he has no idea I'm leaving then I will be OK. He hasn't been violent for years, its more phycological - walking on eggshells to make sure I don't piss him off, always having to say the right thing incase he gets angry, knowing the right moment to ask anything so I can get him at his best or just knowing never to ask anything that will make him annoyed (like seeing my friends, the boys seeing my mother etc).

So I can't sleep at night cos all I can think about is leaving / how best to do it / what will happen once I do it / how he will react / if its the right decision. I know what he will say. That I'm selfish and putting myself before the boys and how will they feel if we split up etc etc. It hurts to even think about hurting them, but I feel as though I will be protecting them by leaving. At least at my house they won't be subjected to emotional abuse....

It's cos he's be losing control and that's ask he's ever had and worked for with you. It would be so unpredictable regardless of what he's said before. I'd say better you and the kids disappear one day and he has no Idea where any of you are.

Then you can take your time over decisions about contact. I mean, surely you don't think 50% custody would be good for the kids. Can you imagine what messages they'd be getting in his care, what they'd see if he got another partner, etc.

So my advice is scrap the idea that he has joint custody of the kids and therefore you know you can't tell him

*'all' not 'ask'

The goalposts will change every time he loses a bit of control. So ATM he'd be ok with 50%, but then he's not. And always be wary of men who declare that their partners have "taken way" their children, they can be dangerous.
Don't doubt yourself, you are not being selfish, you are protecting your life and your children. The way you are living is not normal, you keep on believing what you are doing is right, because it is.

If your phone is secure, (or if you have secure online storage to send them to) photograph each page of all the important documents as well, just in case you don't have the chance to grab your folder.

Trying to appease or appeal to the better nature of a bully or abuser, never ever works, never. if anything it inspires them to be even more aggressive. Put out of your mind any notion that trying to extend any degree of reasonabless to him might be responded to in kind, it will not.

Do not give him any clues, do not tell him you are leaving. Make sure there is no way he can locate you and that includes ensuring neither your kids nor your friends nor your family can give you up either deliberately or accidentally. If there is any chance he might have put anything on your phone or your kids' phones that he could use to track you then make new phones part of your escape kit.

Don't tell him, and don't let him have unsupervised access to the kids. If he had unsupervised access to the kids, he can abduct them or hurt them.

I knew someone who left her DH. He asked to have the eldest child overnight. The child stayed, and during the night the ex set fire to the house. Child and ex died. It was terrible.

If he tries for custody, inform the court of the DV.
Contact Women's Aid, please. They can help and support you through this.

Do you hear yourself?
He's threatened to kill you but not if you give your children to him 50%of the time?
You would give your children to someone who has threatened to kill you?
This is not the sort of human who should ever be around children. Ever.

Please seek the help that far more knowledgable MNers than I have given. And good luck leaving this abusive shit.

I want you to re-read your last post. But this time, imagine that it's been written by a woman or girl dearly close to your heart. Your sister, niece, mother, friend. Even imagine that it is one of your precious sons, because males have been murdered by their partners, too.

What would you say to her or him? What would you tell him or her to do? I think we both know the answer to that. It would be to run silently, run quickly, and run soon to the nearest safe place.

Love yourself as much as you love them. Get help and get out.

Please please please don't tell him ANYTHING. Please

The documents you've collected, can you give them to your mum? If he finds them all together he may well get suspicious.

Thanks again. I honestly thought telling him would be for the best. That it might make the situation better. He doesn't think he is abusive. I've tried telling him before and he told me I was being stupid and thats just feminist bullshit and that he is just traditional. He also says its his personality type - INTJ.

I'm noticing all the little things that I never considered 'abusive' before now. Him blaming me for my son's iPad not updating properly and saying "If I don't know how to do something then just don't do it, you should have asked me how to do it properly" and scolding me infront of the kids. Telling me to clean some pen off the walls, which is right infront of him. Cleaning up after the boys day and night whilst he sits on his laptop refusing to lift a finger. He basically just treats me like a slave.

It's my birthday next week and my mum wants to take me out for dinner (not on my birthday because he would be so angry that I wanted to spend time with her on my actual birthday and not him). He said she can't take me out for lunch because I'll have the boys and he doesn't want her seeing them, but she also can't take me out for dinner cos he can't put the boys to bed by himself.

So trying to put on a pretend face of being fine, but just planning my exit as soon as possible. Still don't know how to do it. I'm in Australia so don't think I can call women's aid here. I think there are various other numbers though. I'll have a look when he is back at work.

Please please stay safe and listen to the chorus of voices on here - plan your exit with military precision and DO NOT tell him or engage with him emotionally at all. I left my emotionally abusive husband last year and the last 9 months have been like a breath of oxygen after walking on eggshells for almost a decade. He will not change - you cannot cure him and he does not deserve you or the boys. The next step is the hardest part because you are breaking a pattern that has been around for a long time.. you know it is the right thing to do - and if you don't believe it is for yourself - do it for your boys. The birth of my son gave me the strength to do it...

Making that step seemed like the hardest thing in the world - but as my sister said to me - once you had done it the rest is just logistics. And she was right. Things fall into place. Life goes on. And this life sucking parasite is out of your life. Who knew what energy I had that I could start using for myself ! It literally saved my life. I could not have done it without my family and friends - like your mum mine was so desperate for me to have a life.. use the help that is offered - take it one step at a time and STAY SAFE.

You are amazing, you are strong and you can do this. Just think about this as if you were counselling your best friend - be smart, be safe and take that step.

Hi givemevegemite first of all talking from experience and being in a refuge with other women's experiences. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell him you are leaving! I can't stress that enough. You might think you won't make him angry by trying to have a conversation with him about it but you are kidding yourself. It will not go well. He will either hurt you badly or make you change your mind to leave and the control will ramp up! From what you have written. Threats to kill, gun licence, getting so angry looks possessed I would strongly recommend a refuge. You will be safe trust me. It could be in a different county. You will get legal aid and free advice to help with the children and any financial issues. In the refuge they will help you so much! You don't need to take a lot everything is there. It's all locked and secure, panic buttons incase. And support from other women who will understand you. I didn't want to go in originally but it was the best thing I did. Please consider it! X

You might have seen this already but try calling these au.reachout.com/domestic-violence-support

Op. Please don't tell him, for your children's sake.
As soon as you can, get the basics you need (kids clothes, couple of fave toys, any comforters they need, your clothes etc) and get your passports and any paperwork you need and just go. Go to your mum and don't look back.

Don't tell him, it makes me worry that you're considering it. Please please please keep it quiet and get out as soon as you can.
It's hard I know, be brave, you can do it. Good luck xx

I'm in Australia
Call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)
They will help you

You desperately need to time your run with going to the police and reporting everything. Have you heard of the new law on coercive control?

Speak to a specialist dv officer at your local police force. Don't allow this to just be handled by uniform police.

Run far away with the boys and have him arrested. That's how the court will be able to take your concerns seriously re him.

Ah you are in aus, sorry!

Still run and also go to the police!

Most Australian police stations have a dedicated domestic violence officer. Speak to them about what is going on and get their help to leave

And keep in mind that it is not just you he might kill but either your dc to punish you or all of you to stop you leaving.