I think my husband is abusive. Advice needed please

[GiveMeVegemite]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We got together when I was 20 (I met him when I was 17), he is 8 years older than me.

I remember after the 'honeymoon phase' about 6 months in being completely shocked by his behaviour and crying pretty much every day and the stuff he would say to me. The first time I remember it happening was when he was getting ready for a job interview. I came over to him and asked if there was anything I could do to help and he said, "Just fuck off for a while so I can get prepared." No-one I had cared about had ever spoken to me like that. I was so shocked, but I put it down to nerves. I went up to him about 10 minutes later and said, "Are you OK?" and he said "JUST FUCK OFF ALRIGHT!?". Probably should have seen the red flags waving wildly in the wind, but I didn't.....

Our relationship continued with him being totally controlling and verbally and emotional horrible. I spent my whole 20s not seeing my friends. He got me fired from the job that I loved because he called me all day and emailed me constantly and made me leave work early one day (He said if I didn't leave he would turn up at my office and scream at me infront of everyone). ... Which he had done before at my previous job..... SO I left, they went through my emails, saw him emailing me 60 times a day and fired me.

Things settled down a little bit, but he used to push and shove me when we were fighting, punched me in the face once, bruised my arms from grabbing me so hard. I think I ended up just complying with every demand because I didn't want it to end in a fight.

Throughout my 20's I probably went out once every 4 months and had to be home by 10.30pm. The few times that I did stay out later he treated me like shit for about the next 3 months.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now 31 and have been with him this whole time. We have 3 beautiful children together, but I do everything for them and everything around the house. I am permanently exhausted and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy, sleeps in every weekend morning and doesn't ever do anything with the kids so I can take a break. I am done. I have 3 children, I don't need a giant man- baby making me get him up for work every morning, having all his work clothes ready for him, lunch made for him, dinner ready on the table when he gets home and then he sits on his laptop all evening whist I run around doing everything for the boys, (4,3, and 1). I put them to bed and then have an hours worth of cleaning before I can sit down and relax (and then I'm up 2/3 times a night to do night feeds).

Writing this I can pretty much see that he is abusive. He no longer hurts my physically but he calls me 'horrible wife / wench' infront of the boys. Calls me stupid. Refuses to let my mum see the boys or to help me in any way. Wont let me ask anyone for help with the boys. I still never see any friends, he drove a massive wedge between me and my 2 best friends....

So I know that I need to leave, but he is a dirty fighter and I'm so scared he is going to try and take the boys off me, try and use all our money fighting in court so I have nothing left, poison the boys with lies about me, quit his job so he doesn't have to pay child support....and the biggest one of all....kill me. One time we were fighting and he told me if I ever tried to take the kids from him he would kill me and my mother.

This is so long and if anyone has made it this far....what do I do and will it be better if I leave or will he just be 100 times worse?

Advice much appreciated.

Well done to you for deciding to leave, however I truly think giving him advance warning that your going to leave is a very big mistake. I suggest you gather your key documents e.g. Passports for you and the children, birth Certs other key docs. and give them to a trusted family member. Father a few clothes for you and the children ( not too many to be noticeable) again give these to trusted person to keep. Do not give advance warning if leaving. If you insist on speaking to him about this ensure you and the children have already left, speak on the phone. You say he has a gun Licence that's additional risk. Please see support and advice from women's aid. The reality is women in this situation are at higher risk initially after leaving, so please keep yourself and children safe. Do not be tempted to meet with him alone. Hope all goes well

oh god please don't tell him. it feels to me like you want to tell him so he gets angry and you will feel justified in leaving. you are already justified in leaving.

telling him won't end well, it really won't. him knowing that his empire he has so carefully bullied into being totally under his control is getting away will be a massive spur to escalate.

just leave. for your boys.

good luck.

please do not tell him you are leaving - this is the most dangerous time and it is not something you can micro manage yourself. Get the police onside now, and WA and your GP and anyone else.

And whether it was a punch or not - the fucker still hit you! And abused you for years. My heart also breaks for your Mum not seeing her grandchildren. How bloody dare he do this to you all.

Don't tell him you are leaving!
Speak to Womens Aid before you do anything.
They will be able to help you understand why that is NOT a good idea.
He sounds seriously dangerous.
Please don't become a statistic!

I would echo those urging you not to tell him before you leave; whether you tell him beforehand or not, it sounds like he will be dangerous, aggressive and abusive but if you get yourself away with your boys to a place of safety before letting him know, at least you and your children will be safe from this abusive criminal. It sounds like you and the boys will need all the protection you can gather; please don't put yourself or them at risk like that. FGS get the hell away from him now, involve Womens Aid and the police, he will not be reasonable if you tell him. You're terrified of him, don't risk your life like this.

There is no nice way of leaving that won't make him angry and vindictive if that's the sort of man he is. He's not going to say 'fair enough' and take it on the chin. Don't try to manage his reaction, it's not your responsibility and it won't work. Just get safe.

speak to woman's aid before you do anything

You really shouldn't tell him.

Get passports, bank details, mortgage paperwork, birth Certs, everything you need and cash before you leave.

Don't tell him.

Sounds like you're getting your ideas together, good for you.So glad your DM is there for you.

Why not discuss your exit plan with Women's Aid? They are the experts in this.

Don't tell him.

Don't tell him.

DON'T TELL HIM.

EVERYONE is telling you NOT to tell him. You're wrong here, this will not help you. You need to ring Woman's Aid and hear it from the professionals - tell them everything you've said and then see if they suggest you tell him. They won't, and there's a reallllly good reason for that. He will hurt you and possibly your children.

DO NO TELL HIM.

OP: your situation is almost the same as mine, together since I was 17 (he is 7.5 years older), 2 kids, niggles from the begining but I was so in love I didn't think they were big deals. I spent 21 years ignoring his behaviour because it hurt too much to confront it, then in the last 3 years things went to shit.

I left 9 weeks ago. I will tell you it was horrible, emotional rollercoaster and hasn't got that much easier, but I know I did the right thing. He is being quite nice at the moment (we have 2 sons and he has them once a week and every other weekend) so we still see each other. He is desperate for us to reconnect, but now I have my own space I am able to walk away and not let him invade my thoughts.

The biggest challenge has been protecting the kids and finally having to face up to the damage that has been caused over our relationship. I am not myself, I have spent so long thinking and over analysing every action I ever made, to decide whether it would be enough to cause his rages or anger or just be pissed with me. It errodes your inner self. I don't know how I haven't gone crazy over the years, I guess people will say I am strong. I think I just buried everything.

Leaving and emotionally abusive relationship with someone you love is hard, the hardest thing I ever did. But you need to protect your own mental health and you deserve more. I made my final decision on the Saturday, by Wednesday I had a house lined up, a new bank account, all documents ready and told him that day. I left the following Saturday as I was working in the week and I wanted to do it at the weekend to keep things normal for the kids and school. Those three days were the hardest of my life.

My advice would be, get everything ready, then move. Don't stay and get involved in discussions about how he will change etc. I never feared my safety before those few nights, but I barely slept as his emotions were all over the place. Also your children don't need to see that. Stay strong, summon your inner warrior ...............and if for any reason you can't quite do it, don't beat yourself up, just push on. You are obviously a kind human being.

Just to reiterate: don't tell him. He's been violent to you in the past (doesnt matter if he hasn't for a while, he has that in him). Does he work? Are you alone in the house anytime where you can pack an emergency bag and gather the docs?

Are you out of your damn mind?

He could fucking throttle you to death. What would happen to your children then?

Do you honestly think that if you explain it oh so reasonably he'll heave a regretful sigh and say ok maybe it's for the best???

There's a thread ongoing at the moment in the section OTBT. It's a woman in a refuge. She has been there 2 months.

He has NO IDEA where they are. He has no idea what school the kids now attend. She has had two months of PEACE. And also lots of professional advice through the refuge. Honestly it's the only way she could have gotten away. She never told him, she just gathered up their stuff and left whilst he was at work. Has not spoken to him since and has no intention of ever speaking to him again. Is taking her own sweet time thinking about contact for the kids and how that can be managed safely.

I urge you to consider doing the same.

No, talking to him will not calm him. He is going to get nasty. You need to think worst case scenario at all times and prepare for that. That means, he will carry out his threat of murdering you. So you need to protect yourself for the sake of you and your dc. If they aren't there and he assaults you so you are seriously hurt, that will affect your dc still.

If he has another woman on the go that ime is the only way he'll go willingly and only when he has decided to leave, not when you ask him to our tell him you are leaving.

I would say the odds of him assaulting you when you tell him you are leaving is almost 100% so you need to sneak off first to a place of safety and involve the police. Go somewhere he can't find you eg another town. It is doable but you need to access all the help you can get and not contact him at all during the process.

I second women's refuge. Also the police need to know about his threats regarding your mother. She might need to join you too

Remember, he doesn't think in a ' normal ' way and therefore won't react the way a person with a regular psyche will. His way of thinking is to hurt you until you submit. When you say you're leaving that will be too much for him to take and he will force you to submit using whatever threats and physical force he has

So sorry to hear what you're going through but as MNHQ have posted I feel it's important to point this out.

OP if anyone tags you in the thread with an '@' sign before your user name you will automatically receive an email alert UNLESS you turn this option off in settings

(Unless MNHQ have changed this since I last flagged it!)

If you H has access to your emails, this could be dangerous.

I'll report my post to ask MNHQ to respond

He's got a gun and dodgy friends.
He's threatened to kill you and your mother.
He's physically abusive and controlling.

Which bit of this makes you think you can tell him you're leaving him and he'll let you walk off with his children and money too?

If talking to him worked you wouldn't be in this situation now.

DO NOT GIVE HIM THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!

And please ring Women's Aid before you do anything else

I'm scared on your behalf OP. He has guns, dodgy friends and has isolated you. He will kill you if you tell him you are leaving.

Good luck xx

I'm adding my voice to the chorus, please do NOT tell him you are leaving. As long as he thinks he has you under his control you are relatively safe. But if he thinks you may break free, well, you just don't want to chance that.

Listen to your mum. She doesn't think you should say anything either, does she? Listen to her. It sounds as if she is well placed to guide you through this and support you.

Look around you. Know where important papers are (birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, tax returns, financial documents). Decide what items you want to take with you and make a mental list of them and where they are. Get it all organized in your head and do it when he's gone.

But in the meantime, you need to pack a 'bug out bag' for yourself and the children and hide it where he won't find it just in case things get really bad and you have to leave immediately. This is a small bag with clothing and medications for two days, along with enough money for transportation and a night's hotel stay. If your mum lives close AND you can get into her house at any time, you could probably just smuggle those things over to her house and keep them there as I assume that's where you'd go in an emergency.

Guns are nothing to fool with. I live in the US and I hear daily about domestic violence gun incidents. Many of the perpetrators are people you would never have believed would shoot someone. Some are truly remorseful afterwards. It only takes a split second of madness to fire a gun.

Hi folks. Just wanted to clarify, as WicksEnd mentions, yes if you're tagged with an '@' sign you will automatically receive an email unless you opt out. You can do this in Customise. Best of luck with everything, OP. Hope your exit goes well and you find somewhere safe and happy for you and the kids.

If I am permitted to 'tag on' to MN comment; It's as easy as can be to create a password protected email account. Just use a system that you aren't currently using (gmail for instance) and create that email only on a password protected device. Keep the email as a 'web-based' account, that is, don't create it in your device's email app.

My BFF created one that is only accessible by going to the server's website and only by knowing her user name and password after she discovered that her 'd'H was routinely reading her private emails on their shared computer. She accesses her private email only on her phone.

Please, please don't tell him. He won't let you leave, he'll probably block the accounts. It will serve no purpose other than to make him angry. Keep yourself and your boys safe. Get your documentation in order, get the boys away, transfer the money and get the heck out.

Please don't tell him, he is not a reasonable person. Wishing you strength though and so glad you have your mum to help. You are being enormously brave and it will all be worth it to rid yourself and your boys of this nightmare.

Please listen to us!

Don't tell him. You'll be putting your life and your children's lives in danger.

Do not tell him anything.

Get safely away from him and get all the support you need to do that and to stay safe.

Don't tell him!!!