hive your posts have stayed with me overnight, and make me feel a kind of panic. I realise that the fear of ending up like you is why I'm single & childless. It really is a panicky, stressed feeling when I read your posts (sorry, it's my stuff not yours!) My life circumstances were painful through my mid-30s and 40s, as there was someone I really wanted to marry, but he in the end didn't love me enough, but now, post-menopause & late 50s, I'm very content.
Because of my age (I'm probably at least 20 years older than you) I saw a lot of the kind of life/relationship that you describe as yours. I saw women around me ground down by "wifework" - so perhaps unconsciously, I always chose boyfriends who were not husband material. Thus my situation now - and for all its pain, I've found peace in being how I am.
But I've seen too many of my female friends, my sisters & my mother suffer in just the way you are suffering. I grew up in a family where my father did nothing around the house, and increasingly became separated from the emotional & activity life of his family. My parents divorced when I was in my 30s.
And more recently, the sort of selfishness of your DH and the imbalance in family work which you describe was in part the cause of my sister's divorce. She got sick of her DH's increasingly selfish pursuit of his interests & career, without a thought for the ways in which she facilitated his high earning. She works in a highly skilled profession as well.
My suggestion to her was always to just go on strike, but her response was that that would only punish her children. But it's worth a thought - any request etc from your children, pass on to their father: "Ask your father." etc etc But it takes a reserve of emotional energy which you probably haven't got.
Or perhaps more seriously, he needs to realise what he is risking at the moment. You would be entirely justified to be very angry with him - I imagine you probably are, although women are generally socialised not to show our anger, and particularly, not to be angry with the men in our domestic lives.
If you told him that he is heading for divorce - or at least separation - and the loss of his family if he doesn't start to take responsibility for the equal running of the family you both made? Could you go away for a couple of weeks, to let him see what you take on every day?
He needs to be shocked from his self-centred blinkered view. I wish you luck, enormous luck & strength & fortitude. My heart sinks for you, I'm afraid. I hope you find a way through.