A thread for WOHMs seething with resentment (unless its just me...)

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Even though we bring in a similar income.
Even though he was the one who wanted a child while I was ambivalent.
Even though we had always shared the housework equally BEFORE.
Even though he had always talked the talk of a 'feminist' man BEFORE.
Even though he had talked about how he could work 4 days a week/from home/flexibly BEFORE.

How is it that I'm the one constantly juggling work with making sure dd has clean clothes for school and healthy food in the fridge (and doctors appts and school demands and sorting childcare and the rest)?

How is it I'm the one who has accepted career limitations to maximise time with dd whilst he goes for the 'interesting' job rather than the one with the shorter commute or flexible hours?

He deigns to do a couple of school drop offs a week and acts like he's Dad of the Year. And I accept it as talking ends in arguing and competitive 'my job is more important' drivel. The last discussion ended with him hoping I would be made redundant as that would 'solve everything'.

I feel like a walking cliche of the having it all = doing it all WOHM. And I loathe myself for it even more than I resent him.

It wouldn't 'damage dd' if you demanded equality surely it would be improving her life?

Children learn from our behaviour, not our word. Your example to your dd is setting her up for the same nightmare in her relationships.

You owe it to her to have a serious convo with your fucking crap lazy husband. He can do all the admin at work, he can manage it at home.

Go on strike. Don't book childcare. Say 'I don't know'. If he doesn't help out start throwing crockery till he does. Stamp on his phone. Lose your shit. Call his boss and tell him that husband needs a week off or you'll have a breakdown.

Or set some new house rules. Taking turns for school stuff. No phones till past dd bedtime. And if he is lame then just walk out (pre arranged). He needs to understand what he can lose through his laziness.

It`s easy to be a feminist man until it actually costs you something.

DH and I have a much more equal relationship than you but I still have to push back every now and again. Do I have to come to the student-led conference yesterday. Only if you want DD to think you care about her school-work. And going away for work, which I do regularly... much drama. He does it but really would prefer it not to happen.

But I couldn`t live like you are. Something has to change.

Good post Japanesetea

Op, don't give up your job either
Good luck

I think I'm making myself sound like a doormat when anyone who knows me in RL would describe me as the exact opposite.

I do make demands - if I do the drop off he has to do the end of the day. But if I don't sort childcare then dd and I lose out.

I just thought I was with a different person, someone who's ideal wasn't living in the suburbs with wifey at home. Don't mean to criticise anyone's life choices, really I don't, it just isn't me. And he knew that from the start.

I agree children learn from our behaviour and I'm trying my best to set dd an example of a responsible parent, a strong female role model, the exact opposite of a door mat. Whilst still getting all the stuff done that also contributea to giving dd a secure, happy childhood.

It helps to know I'm not losing my mind and others might feel the same. I have close friends but it's not something I'm ready to talk about in RL.

You're not making yourself sound like a doormat. It sounds like you put up a good fight and insist on him taking responsibility.

The thing is you shouldn't have to. It shouldn't be a battle to get equality and respect.

It's so tiring isn't it?

I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Sounds like it might be better to split and share custody 50:50. Your DD will pick up on the resentment you are feeling now if this continues.

When introduced to other people for the first time, if I had a 'ghost' of a husband who contributed nothig I would explain that I was a single parent and when the husband looked annoyed or they looked at him wondering who he was I would introduce them to the lodger!

I have this and I haven't even gone back to work yet but I've gone back to university to get a degree to do a job that will fit round the children

And it's been terrible he has to take care of the house and the children 3 maybe 4 days a month I come home to seething resentment that I'm then made to pay for the rest of the month this corrosive passive aggressive controlling attitude is leading me down the road of getting my ducks in a row. This is not the man that I married.

It's really hitting home how far he will go to get his own way/win and that he sees everything as a battle.

His attitude has started to rub off on the children so much so that now I've arranged for the children to be in childcare while I'm studying next year

He will just do the pick ups but I can see this being made into a huge problem. He refuses to let them go to/ join after school clubs because it would mean that he has to take them
If I'm not there

It's not the life I signed up for nor is it fair after all of the sacrifices I've made for the good of his job or the family in fact I feel duped. I've keep my side of the deal and he now feels entitled to more ! Go figure x

Deathraystare that's absolutely brilliant. Men who behave like this don't actually deserve the title 'husband' or 'father' -lodger is a better description.

FWIW my ex was like this, OP, moody, controlling, miserable, contributed very little to family life. His mood dictated the mood - never again.

I pulled all the strings of family life. Yet when asked 'who is in charge at home?' came the kids' reply - 'daddy' - very chilling. And a damaging lesson.

Your dd may pick up on the resentment and come to the same conclusion, OP.

You sound like a person who knows who they are, OP, never lose that, time to find solutions and draw a line in the sand. Your dd deserves her mum to be happy.

I would start planning how life might work if you split. It might give you some confidence to start pushing back.

I know it should not be necessary, but I would sit down and explain the situation to him whilst making sure he agrees to do more.

My husband is very hands on but with four children and two full time careers, we do often sit down and rejig things, including who is doing what. We have had times when I have done the lion's share and times when he has as either career has gone through peaks and troughs.

I think we have managed to keep it equal in that respect. One thing I felt has worked well has been splitting tasks clearly. I do all the washing/drying/ironing/putting clothes away, clothes shopping, wardrobe clearing, he does all the cooking, food shopping, clearing tables/dishwasher. He does all morning drop offs I do all pick ups, etc

Good luck, it does take a lot of work.

Hey OP, you missed the boat, some one has just written a book about it:

Steal the spreadsheet idea:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/15/why-mothers-should-expect-less-of-themselves-and-more-of-their-partner

Can I just say, OP as the adult DD of a mother who put everything aside - the martyrdom & resentment can leave its mark on your DD. I think your husband (can't use the "DH") needs to now what he's endangering by his selfish behaviour.

Is this your life for the next 15 years?

And also, the slow bit-by-bit pulling back from your career, because no-one can do two jobs full-time.

japanesetea ive forwarded your link to my husband. Lets see what happens

I've just started my own thread because am having similar resentments.

I agreed to marry a man who was a feminist, who was prepared to be a SAHP (if we decided together that one of us should stay at home), who could cook, clean, etc, etc and did more than his fair share of all of that.

I now find myself married to a man who expects me to do most of the housework and child related duties. Who expects me to be the one to learn to sew badges onto brownie and scout uniforms, figure out all childcare arrangements, etc but also thinks he has a right to be there for the 'big decisions' such as which activities the kids do and which childcare we should use. He can't clean up after himself when he makes a sandwich or do his household chores, yet when I yell about that still won't do it but will "help" by doing one of mine....! Oh, and when rows lead to him agreeing to help more with the kids, he acts like he's this great parent of the year despite being unable to notice for himself that he had the bloody time to do stuff with them. Aaarrgghh!

I think the men of my generation are a massive disappointment. (I'm mid-40's). Those who truly pull their weight at home seem to be the exception rather than the rule. I don't know any men who "own it" at home. I know very few relationships which are truly equal. Sad to say.

I don't think men have evolved since the 1950's, and I don't think they want to, as that modus operandi suits them well. Unfortunately, we live in a patriarchy.

Women, OTOH, have evolved tremendously since the 50's. men haven't caught up & don't want to.

I don't know what the answer is.

Such a thoughtful thread ..... and so sad too. I resent the time I spend doing wifework enormously but if I don't do it, things would descend into chaos. I also find I have all the emotional labour of two DC one with a chronic illness and one with anxiety issues. And all of the associated medical admin. OH solution is to maintain an excessive exercise regime, be disney dad and tweet, facebook his thoughts and achievements (while I pair socks, go food shopping, help DS with his worries, wash,iron, fold, organise repeat prescriptions, help with homework, clean kitchen floor, assemble cross trainer, vacuum, change bedding, buy bedding). OH maintains that my buying household stuff is hobby shopping - love buying toilet brushes .. did I mention the mention the new toilet seat which I also bought (such fun) and fitted at 10pm the other night (OH not bothered by old seat being broken ...would still be now...he doesn't do DIY..but he does love his iPhone). ...and he's having a day off next week to see physio, sports coach, watch race, help someone with their training...by the way "what are we having for tea?"My two DS are pretty switched on - the oldest one calls his dad out on his selfishness quite often (I no longer manage these exchanges), the younger one enjoys any (financial) attention he gets. I agree re current crop of middle-aged men - toxic combination of pre-feminist upbringing, YOLO attitudes. Thank God I carried on in my profession ... won't need to rely on him for pension when this woman's work is done,

Babbin

God, this thread is sobering. My sister's husband is like this. Insists that she puts his briefcase in the car with packed lunch and pulls it out of the garage so he simply has to drive off (after she's given him breakfast in the bath and laid out his suit, shirt, socks and pants for him).

I gave her the book 'wifework' and she just said she didnt have time to read it.

She's degree educated and has turned down all promotions to better 'serve' her husband.

Makes me weep.

I hear you op

I'm at the opposite end, my kids are teens and I'm stuck in a minimum wage dead end job as I gave it all up to be at home, as I couldn't find childcare that fitted around my previous well paid and interesting job...and boy did I try too find it, but nearly 20 years ago I couldnt find childminders who started or finished late and worked weekends, so I gave up work and instead worked part time low paid jobs around the kids that fitted in with everyone else....well everyone else except me...

I realise my situation is different from your and I'm sorry to harp on, just feeling really low today about how its all worked out...dh has been in the same company for years and years and doesn't mind his job at all, his life hasnt dramatically changed since the kids, I feel I cant get the old me back as I cant remember what she was like.

babbin, god I hear you too . dh said once when I complained I never go out "but you went to asda yesterday", hes not a bad man at all but I nearly killed him

At the end of the day Op, you can talk all day (looking for risk mitigation) but actions speak louder than words. It appears that your DH, see's child care and the resultant work as primarily your responsibility. Well more accurately NOT HIS RESPONSiBILITY. To be fair he may not have realised prior to you having DD that these were his intrinsic views. But actions speak louder than words.

Actually the most revealing part of your post was How is it I'm the one who has accepted career limitations to maximise time with dd whilst he goes for the 'interesting' job rather than the one with the shorter commute or flexible hours. When we had our DC's, I stopped working away from home. We had agreed this, but more importantly, I wanted to do this. I wanted to be equally involved in bringing up our DC's. More importantly I didn't see it as something my DW should do. It was something we should do together. not that it makes any difference but at that point i earned a lot more than DW.

Personally I would show your DH this thread and ask for his comments?

Some posts on this thread are making me realise he could be a lot worse!

I think in part its a cultural problem. A good friend is married to a Danish man - the difference is very noticeable. He's as likely to hoover, cook or clean the toilet as she is. During term time (she's a teacher) he manages everything to do with the kids - childcare, meals, after school activities, taking time off work as necessary.
He manages to balance it all with a ft professional job.

He's bemused that anyone thinks this is out of the ordinary and thinks fathers who fail to do the same are simply lazy and sexist.

I can't imagine my partner ever doing that and he's probably surrounded by similar minded men at work.

I hear you OP!
I'm currently reading this book Shattered
which has been an eye opener!

DS is now 7, but I clearly remember suddenly finding my modern, equal marriage catapulted into the 1950's by a combination of DH's and my own unconscious assumptions about motherhood/ fatherhood. Initially, I took a year's maternity leave and things seemed great, I was happy to support him by taking over the household tasks, and he seemed to feel a great urge to progress at work and was working hard to get a promotion. However, when I returned to work I found myself working two part time jobs, both of which took more than the available hours, doing ALL the childcare, and single handedly running the household. He felt great pressure to be the 'breadwinner' and was burning out in a high pressure, more than full time job.

The end result was that 3 years later both of us were resentful and exhausted, and he was using some of the EA tactics used by his own father, to keep me from confronting him over the horrific inequalities that had developed in our relationship. One day this came to a head in an awful row that became physical (the first and only time this has happened and very out of character), so I left him, and moved in with my parents.

This triggered a serious period of reflection for both of us. It's taken years of communication together and individual therapy for each of us, but we are back together and things have improved a lot. He left the high pressure, high status job and took a lower status, less stressful job. I increased my working hours to compensate the lack of income. We now share earning, childcare and household tasks much more evenly. What's worked for us at home is dividing up whole tasks, so for example he does all the food shopping/ meal planning and about 2/3rd of the cooking, whilst I do all the laundry, bedding and clothes shopping.

Even then, I still tend to make career decisions with DS/ childcare at the forefront of my thoughts much more than he does, and it still falls to me to sort out the childcare arrangements and school-related stuff. The difference is that we can discuss this openly and calmly, and we both work to support each other's needs and long term aims. We're aiming to rebalance again when DH comes to the end of his current work project in a year's time, so he will reduce his hours WOH and I will increase mine.

We, like you, earn similar amounts as an hourly rate, even though I currently work fewer hours than him. We also both work in jobs that are fairly easy to do on a part time basis and to alter hours as needed. I recognise that this gives us a lot of flexibility that other couples don't have. We also decided to stick at one child, for the sake of the mental health of all three of us!

I hope you are able to make some progress with your husband. It turned out my DH felt just as trapped by the the whole 'breadwinner' role and expectation as I did by the 'mother' role. A lot of this is subtle societal pressure and can be difficult to recognise. We turned our resentment towards each other and that did a lot of damage. I hope you are able to find a less traumatic way forwards!

(Crikey, that was longer than I planned!!)