A thread for WOHMs seething with resentment (unless its just me...)

[hiveofactivity]

Even though we bring in a similar income.
Even though he was the one who wanted a child while I was ambivalent.
Even though we had always shared the housework equally BEFORE.
Even though he had always talked the talk of a 'feminist' man BEFORE.
Even though he had talked about how he could work 4 days a week/from home/flexibly BEFORE.

How is it that I'm the one constantly juggling work with making sure dd has clean clothes for school and healthy food in the fridge (and doctors appts and school demands and sorting childcare and the rest)?

How is it I'm the one who has accepted career limitations to maximise time with dd whilst he goes for the 'interesting' job rather than the one with the shorter commute or flexible hours?

He deigns to do a couple of school drop offs a week and acts like he's Dad of the Year. And I accept it as talking ends in arguing and competitive 'my job is more important' drivel. The last discussion ended with him hoping I would be made redundant as that would 'solve everything'.

I feel like a walking cliche of the having it all = doing it all WOHM. And I loathe myself for it even more than I resent him.

Karma I don't think I could live with a man again. If we split up fairly likely then I'd happily live alone, with my DC. I don't think I could face it again.

Karma and Prosecco I feel the same.
Karma, like you I felt that the balance of responsibility for all the shit-work changed when we had kids and it got worse and worse over time. As the kids have got older, DH withdrew into pursuing his own solo hobbies.
I have been looking after three DC on my own and working full-time for the last 3 months since DH moved out. I cant say its been easier, but it certainly hasn't been any harder than when he was here. (Luckily my elder two are 15 and 17 so I have still had a live-in babysitter.)
Prosecco I am only just going through divorce now but I don't think I could deal with the disappointment of another failed relationship.

hive, I think the cultural thing is spot on

I also find, and I know I'll get shot down in flames for saying this, that women notice more, notice when the loo roll runs out or the kids gym shorts are too small or they have homework that should be getting done or we've run out of teabags/tins of tomatoes/shampoo etc etc....dh is great at noticing the stuff he's interested in, if ds needs new shinguards or if he doesnt have matching socks for the away 3rd kit.....basically he doesnt notice the boring shite that makes family life tick over...and I wonder, is it because he doesn't have to notice it as I'm there or is it that he just doesn't see it?

I dont know. Saying that, he cleans, irons, does loads with the kids (as they all love the same sport), hoovers.

The jobs seem to have divided in our house into:

His:
Garden
Car
Technology
General house maintenance (noticing it, not fixing it or finding someone to fix it)
HIS ironing
HIS laundry
HIS cooking

Me:
Everything else for the house, dd and I.
Am thankful I don't drive otherwise I'd get the car jobs as well.

so glad (you know what i mean) that this thread is still going on. thank god, i have found others in the same situation. the cultural difference did make me smile, i always thought that english/ white british men were more hands on and it was just asian men who were capable of being able to work and earn money yet not notice that the loo roll needs changing. i want to read the 'shattered' book, but im also worried it will make me more angry than i am. im also thinking i would never ever get into another relationship again. no way. id be an idiot to get hooked up with another weight around my neck.

On a practical note, would a nanny be of help to you, re holiday childcare etc? It would remove the need to be contantly thinking and planning ahead. Whatever you do, keep your career going. Sah is fine if you are married to a decent person but sadly you are married to a selfish one and his sense of entitlement will only increase if he ever becomes sole wage earner!

The truth is you love your child more than he does. You are willing to put your child first and he isn't, which is why you can't just ignore what needs to be done and he can. He has shown you that he doesn't have your back and when it comes to putting someone else first, you and your dc are sameway down the list after his own needs. Personally, I couldn't live like that. I am a sahm and my dh does more that yours. There is no excuse for him. He has mistepresented himself - it's fraudulent really and you may well be happier alone and just expecting nothing from him.

Hi Op, I was in a very similar situation, convinced that DH did sod all. I kept a diary of everything he did, ostensibly to demonstrate that he did nothing, but as a result I realised he was helping; the dogs were being walked, the dishwasher was being emptied, toys were tidied up, etc. He was doing lots of smaller chores that had gone unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, he's not cleaned a toilet or changed a bed sheet since DS was born four years ago, but it made me realise he was contributing and I felt a lot better about him/us.

Meant to add that in the end your child will know who really parented and who didn't. They aren't stupid. What you are doing is important - your child will grow up and you will have passed on the knowledge of how to be a good parent and they will have benefitted from knowing that you loved them and looked after them properly and didn't just cherry pick the fun bits. You are being a good role model and he isn't. Ultimately, it's his loss.

There's no easy answer - yes we could split up (and I'd probably be happier overall) but it wouldn't be easy for dd. And in reality I'd still be doing much of what I do now but in trickier circumstances.

There was a recent thread about 50/50 shared care arrangements and one poster commented her child was cold and distant each time they came back and was starting to say they wanted to live with their father more of the time.
I can see how that happens - much nicer to be with the parent who isn't nagging about homework or serving up healthy dinners or limiting screen time or keeping consistent behaviour boundaries etc. I'd be heartbroken if that was the outcome.

The jobs in our house were as follows when we were both working full-time. When I was only part time STBX did even less. He really was a waste of space.

Me:
Cooking
Food shopping
Changing beds
Tidying
Spring cleaning (we had a weekly cleaner)
Gardening (DH was supposed to mow lawn but never did)
Picking DD up from childcare
Doing DD bath and bedtime 6 nights a week
School admin
Booking tradesmen for odd jobs
Financial admin inc utilities, mortgage, chidlcare vouchers etc
Car servicing, repairs, insurance
Planning and booking holidays
Buying kids clothes
Buying kids' birthday and Christmas presents
Organising home renovations and decorating

STBXH:
Washing clothes
Giving DD breakfast, dressing her
Dropping DD at school in morning
Putting DD to bed once a week
Technology eg broadband, cable tv, phones etc

Lots of people talk about the men 'helping' . This automatically implies the lionshare is yours. Its their house as well. So they are not 'helping' they are 'doing'

Pressed post accidentally.

This 'helping' thing just gets on my nerves. It suggests he should do less. The OP who talked about how its ok because her DH 'helps' out with the little chores bit hasn't changed a bedsheet or cleaned a loo in years. Newsflash. He is picking the jobs he likes doing and leaving you the one's he doesn't which is not OK.

Gosh it's a tricky one.
Dh and I have what I suppose people would call a "traditional" marriage which was never really the plan!
We've been married for 17 years with 2 Dc and I've worked full time, part time and been a sahm in those years.
ATM we are back to him working full time (Inc lots of trips abroad) and I'm a sahm again.
This was due to an unexpected promotion for him, health issues for me and youngest dc.
I suppose I would say you have to do whatever works for you, whether that means an au pair, nanny, cleaner, etc
Although I have to say that leaving the cleaning and washing and cooking aside it's the bloody family admin that seems to take up a lot of my time!
I also care for my elderly mother and for example have spent most of this morning sorting out a medication cock up!
It's has its pros....I'm always available for the kids so no stress there. Ditto mum.
Dh works away long haul every 6 weeks which is usually when all our appliances decide to blow up!
I volunteer once a week at a school which I enjoy.
Cons:
No financial independence (albeit all savings are in my name and house is in both names!)
It all falls to me, usually. I resent this at times. I can honestly say Dh would not notice if the dc were in clothes 3 sizes too small. He has no idea about meds/repeat prescribing/hospital appts.
I guess we both think the other works hard and try to support them
If you aren't working together as a unit smomething needs to change.

Wow NearlyFree17 you sound like a great catch, you won't be single long

On a serious note, my DM never showed me anything about house work. DF showed me gardening, car fixing, decorating etc. From about 25 years old, my DM, was a SAHM (in the 60's/70's). I don't even recall seeing her change sheets that was the biggest shock when i got married she did all that stuff when we were out I guess.

Lucy, I take your point. DH works 10-14 hours a day, drives over 400 miles a week and shoulders the majority (but not all) of our financial responsibilities. I don't. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when my arm is down the loo.

My husband is actually pretty great in terms of doing house stuff etc. But we have a severely disabled child which has pitched us into more traditional roles. After a few years it's hard to get back to an earnings equality. Maternity leave in a way really disadvantaged me. Before that similar earnings similar home involvement. After much less so. But I really wanted to be home with my child...
I digress. I have ended up in the lead at home. We both have chores we specialise in and we are lucky they are different and complementary. When we really have our shit together we both do list of what needs doing over a few days. Then sit down and sort priorities and whose doing what. But I can't deny Im in the lead at home and I do more. But Im in part time paid work and maybe one day we can change it. But right now this just has to be this way

The hobbies thing would have done for me too. I know a lot of fathers of young children esp out training endlessly. I wonder how their partners feel. I'd be furious

Bloody hell, I feel like I'm reading about my own life.

I've been away for one night for work, I've been bombarded with messages about where all the DCs stuff is, and I am dreading getting home.

It will be a tip. He'll be like a puppy who's done a crap on the carpet and wants praise.

The kids will be knackered and frazzled.

Lol whoever said I'm a catch.and YY to the hobbies being the final nail in the coffin. He would go cycling on Sunday" morning" and then get back around 3pm too tired to do anything.
Years of having to do everything or solve al the problems have shown me I don't need a man.
I think I'll be better off financially without him too. I could never work out where all our money went but I suspect now it was him pissing it away in little bits on cycling kit, fitness drinks and magazines.
I doubt I will ever cohabit or share finances with a man again. Lucky for me I am bisexual as there are a lot of single women my age in a similar boat, that might be the way to go in future..

The thing I struggle with most with is the healthcare (jabs, dentist, routine stuff), and homework. Its nearly the end of the holidays and he's not mentioned the school bag once.

I loathe that he criticizes his parents for living in squalor but leaves skid marks in the loo, doesn't "see" the compost on the kitchen worktop, and seems to have given up on the bins.

He's away for 4 weeks over the summer (work and hobby). I can't wait.

My h and I see different things. He sees my messiness (I'm quite untidy) but he doesn't notice dirt the way I do. Also he doesn't get household planning as well as I do. In bad phases he grumbles and tidies up after me and I sigh my way through endless shopping and food preparationsnd household planning stuff. In good phases I try harder to be tidy snd I delegate better on food preparation household chores. He has also gotten better at tge durt stuff im sensitive to. Ideally he'd get better at seeing ahead what needs doing but...while there's improvement. ..I'm still the motor for most of that. Although laundry and ironing get done without prompting now

As someone earlier said, generally women have moved forward but men have not. In many ways, why would they change when they don't have to. You see it in many posts on here where the woman is responsible for all this stuff - thinking about it, planning it etc. For me what has taken it's toll is this 'thinking' responsiblity. The classic 'is there anything I can do to help' - well if you look around you'll see it all! The article that a previous poster linked to is a good example of this - the woman was still planning and thinking about how she was going to manage everything.

I also don't buy this stuff about his job my job. Inevitably men seem to be in charge of putting the bins out and mowing the lawn - both of these are once a week activities at most. Laundry, cooking, shopping, homework, cleaning etc are pretty much full time.

So I feel for you OP. What's sad is that once we go down the route of 'no wifework' because you know he won't meet you halfway (or even quarter way) the relationship is pretty much dead.